I have completely died on the inside - am so incredibly depressed and lonely

[HeyJude]

Hi everyone - I a new to the site. I really need someone to talk to that can empathise and relate. I need to vent. My whole life has been hard, cruel at times, with an abusive childhood and I never really had a chance in life. I have been married twice and although was a good mother my first husband poisoned my children against me so we are estranged. My second husband is more caring but can't help me with the major depressions and anxiety I struggle with - he judges me and gets angry, saying it's bad behaviour.

People do like me but I just can't make close friends. I am the one who gets forgotten about...I am just so tired of walking this road alone. So, so tired. I know it is not normal, but I envy those with terminal illness. I feel for their pain very much though but I always think "why isn't it me instead - they have family, love, friends and a life. It should be me - I would not be missed at all (although I would worry about my daughter from my second marriage being effected).

I am currently doing some volunteer work and others appreciate me but do not realise how much internal pain I suffer. I have "no other family or friends to talk to". I don't feel I have any purpose in life, I feel helpless, irrelevant and hopeless. I am losing interest in most things. My husband thinks my depression is bad behaviour and can get angry, he doesn't understand - does not listen or talk much to me. I am the listener. I am the nurturer who looks after everyone - but I feel lost and in such great anguish and pain. I feel so utterly lonely. I was always there for others and never sought anything in return. It just would be nice to have my despair and pain eased for just some moments if just once someone could listen to me - just listen and not judge. If someone just cared. Not sure I see any point any more. I have absolutely no help. Anti-depressants do not work - I think this is all an accumulation of hurts, traumas, disheartenment and abuse over the years rather than a chemical imbalance which is leaving me feelings empty.

I have absolutely no zest for life. Feel dead inside. I find it hard to get out of bad.

[stormcloudz]

HeyJude

I can't respond at length right now, but just wanted to say that I really understand your dilemma and your pain. Kids can lose their way regardless of upbringing. They can also find their way back, in my personal experience. I am sending you my love and compassion for now.

[Juliet_84]

Heeeyyyy Juuudddee (I really like your name btw ☺️),

Your story really resonated with me. Like you, I’ve dealt with some really rough stuff in my life and at times thought I wouldn’t get through. Sometimes it felt like all I really ever wanted was a kind word, but rarely got one. I also never really met “my people” so I was often alone. Then I met someone who made it all worthwhile and fell head over heels in love. I thought that I never needed anyone else as long as I had him, but the man I loved also turned out to be abusive, which was devastating. I know it was frustrating for my sister to watch, as I too went back to him over and over. Unfortunately it’s like quitting smoking, you can only leave when you are ready, all you can do is be there when that day comes. I’m sorry that you are going through this with your daughter, it must be so traumatic for you, coupled with the fact you have to keep your worry inside so as not to worry your husband. You seem to do a lot for everyone around you, it’s very admirable when you consider everything you have going on yourself x

[HeyJude]

Hi stormrising and Juliet_84,

Thank for your understanding and compassion. It means a lot. So sorry that your love and trust was betrayed the way it was Juliet_84 - I hope now you are surrounded by others worthy of your love. I understand what you are saying and I do have to be patient - my daughter has been attracted to such men in the past which nearly claimed her life - it certainly has ruined her. I just have to hope she has the strength to realise she deserves better and to make a real at life. I am there for her as is my husband, but an acculmation over the years has left me feeling so very tired and drained from it all. I have to find a way to let go.

I did obtain my test results from my doctor whom told me I have severe Vitamin D decificency which causes chronic fatigue, depression, anxiety, brittle bones, insomnia and a host of other not so desirable other health effects. So that is explaining a lot. He has prescribed a very large dose of this compounded vitamin for me to start taking next week - so hopefully after a few months it should help with my depression. It is also associated with Hashimotto thyroid disorder so it may help that as well. Feeling so very tired and low presently. How are you all doing?

[stormcloudz]

HeyJude

I'm really glad your doctor identified that Vitamin D deficiency - that can really knock you around, especially when you are already dealing with the grief around your daughter. I'm so sorry, I know it's so painful to watch her go through this, and hard to know what to do.

Have you and/or your husband had any emotional support such as counselling or support groups for parents? There's so much to work through in these situations.

Sending you some hope and comfort.

[smallwolf]

HeyJude,

Whenever I come here I hear the sound of the Beatles song.

At least you now have an answer to some of the issues you have been having. And some form of recovery. Wishing you well in your recovery. I know that sleep is important. My psychiatrist spoke to me about sleep hygiene. She doesn't like that term herself, but that is what they call it these days. I would be constantly waking up, and then not able to get back to sleep. So I also have a pill to help me remain calm at night. Hopefully once you starting getting some good sleep, the other problems will be somewhat more manageable.

Not really sure what I can say to you about your daughter to make you feel any better. But I hope you know that I am thinking of you all, for strength and comfort and hope that you daughter know she can reach out to you.

Tim

[HeyJude]

Hello stormcloudz and Smallwolf for your kind words and comforting support. I have been really struggling the last few days feeling depressed - and with trouble sleeping. Hopefully when my vitamin D levels restore it should improve. I have nightmares every night and wake up wondering if I can face another day. I feel I have lost nearly everyone whom was close to me. I only have my husband and he is sick. I know I would not go on if alone and am feeling threatened. I just wish I could rise above this anxiety

[smallwolf]

HeyJude,

Sorry to hear about the nightmares. Are you able to relax afterwards? If not, here are some things I try...

• Focus on your surroundings. Start naming the things in your room.
• Calmly reassure yourself. Deep Breathing exercises.
• Try to sleep again. If you can't after fifteen minutes, do something relaxing.

I don't suppose that you tried virtual hope box? It can help with any of the above. You can also do a meditation before sleep. Not sure if that will help you? But it might be worth trying?

Hope you sleep better tonight.

Tim

[chrissy1]

Hi Heyjude,

i know where ur at, I’m not much better. I have sent post to u before, and u understood where I was at. It’s the pits, I know,but what can u do when I believe I have tried so many ways with no good results. (Depressed for 25yrs) I am so over it. So tired. Sorry I’m not being positive for u. You don’t need my crap, as well, I just want u to know ur not alone. The best we can do is one day at a time, don’t look to far ahead, only if u have something planned that is positive, is really good. Does help.

take care❤️

chrissy1

[stormcloudz]

Chrissy - sorry you are feeling so low at the moment, and thanks for your excellent advice, I'm going to take that on board too.‎

[stormcloudz]

HeyJude

How are you going today?

I have been thinking about what has helped me in the past, because I can completely understand why you would be scared of being alone.

I really feel that you need some additional support. There needs to be some people in your life who are looking after you (rather than the other way around). I have found a counsellor helpful at times - could you find a counsellor / psychologist? What are your thoughts on that? If budget is a constraint, a GP can organize a mental health plan that makes it a little cheaper. There are counsellors who specialize in the sort of trauma you have experienced, and who will be understanding.

I have also found a support group helpful at times. There is nothing like talking to someone who knows what you are going through, which is one reason why this forum is good. I know there are support groups in some areas for depression, carers of cancer patients, survivors of childhood trauma and other issues. Would anything like that work for you?

I know you feel so exhausted and low right now, but it would be good to build just a few extra support structures so you don't feel so alone. And we'll be here for you too. Don't forget the helpline when things are bad.

I hope the Vit D is starting to have an effect, and that the Hashimotos is stable. None of the above may be right for you at the moment, and if so, I just want to send some comfort and companionship.