I Don't Even Know Anymore...

[BenignSky]

Hey, guys,
I've been drifting around in the social sector of Beyond Blue but decided to post on here. The title really says it all. I'm unsure of everything and anything.
My name is Emily (or Em or any other nickname you wanna call me) and I'm fifteen years old, yes I'm still a baby. I don't really know what's going on with me, but I can tell you, I've been through a lot. From bullying, body image issues, sexual assault twice, friendship issues, online issues, relationship issues, losing loved ones, random and so few panic attacks, self harm and what I can only describe as an eating disorder yet not professionally diagnosed - I've had a good share of what life has to offer.
My issue, at the moment, is this. My friend (A) was dating this girl (B). B, had been lying about some serious issues, a lot of which I've had experience with. It is believed that B isn't telling the truth and for good reason, but there must be a reason for the lies - right? Anyway, A and B broke up a few weeks ago and A made this group chat online with my friendship group for support because he was all over the place. Anyway, basically it turned into a place to plan attacks on his ex girlfriend. I'm not like that. So, me being me, went and said something to a teacher because I can't let something like that happen. Like, yeah, she did something horrible but at the same time, she doesn't deserve to get treated like that. Word has gotten back to my friends that I told the teachers and now I'm about to lose everyone so today is fun.
I get it was a bad move on my half, and pretty disloyal to my friends, but my morals will always win.
And bloody hell, now random people are messaging me and I've made a right mess of myself.
And I'm gonna lose everyone that I care about and I'm gonna be alone again and I'm frustrating more and more people. I'm awesome at relationships, did I mention that? Seriously, all my friends are avoiding me now.
Why do I do this to myself, argh...
And this is one of the many reasons I hate myself.
It's taking me so long to write this post because I'm dealing with it as we speak.
There's so much more I wanted to say on here but my life has just been consumed by this...dark cloud known as social media and loneliness. I went against my parent's advice by bringing this up with my teachers when I should've just left it but I didn't want to be involved and I can't let bullying happen, especially when I know B isn't coping.
Why do I do this to myself?

[BenignSky]

You make me smile, even the tiniest bit.

Your rabbit is so, so adorable. How old is he?

P.S I'm glad I could help, even a little bit

[White_Rose]

I wish I had a couple of dollars for everyone who said their troubles were small when compared with others. I would be so rich. You problems are as important as those of anyone else. Never forget that. You are important, in fact vital, to the world. No one knows what you will contribute, including you.

In ten years you may have a family of your own, find a cure for some illness that is currently untreatable (maybe 20 years for that). Who knows. So we want to help you on your journey, to believe in yourself, to help others. So talk to us about anything you want, tell why you are hurting and how we can help you.

You make a positive contribution to anyone you talk to. Because you care for others it's hardly surprising you get emotional when you read something sad. So do I. If we didn't care we would not be writing on this forum. So yes, chat about your life to others and listen to their stories. It will help everyone.

Tell me about the subjects you study at school. My favourites were history and English. I quite liked sport and played for my school. Not keen on maths but surprisingly I did well in this. I loved reading, still do. I always wanted to go to university but left school at 16. I did go to uni in my 40s and completed a degree in communication. Had a ball. By then I had four children and worked full time.

Tell me a little about yourself. Looking forward to your stories.

Mary

[BenignSky]

Hey, Mary,

I'm going on exchange to Germany next year for six months and while over there, I'm hoping to do charity work and volunteer my time to help teach English or do odd jobs for people, without payment of any kind. I've been given the opportunity of a life time, and I won't be able to pay them back.

I love History, but I'd rather just read it in my own time. I've always been an English nut, I'm currently studying Frankenstein by Mary Shelley, but unfortunately it's the play, not the novel. I love writing and poetry, and I really want to read Sylvia Plath and Gibran. I love sport too, and health and biology. I have a natural knack for the human body and understand processes. I'm also quite good at retaining information. I do like to sing too, but don't have the confidence in my voice or my appearance to do anything about it, haha.

- Em

[james1]

Hey Em,

He's...hmm,, he was born in February so I suppose that makes him about 4-5 months now, eh?

Ah a shame you're reading the Frankenstein play rather than the novel itself. I really liked the novel and the gothic genre in general. Dracula is quite interesting, at least the beginning. I found it gets a bit silly towards the end, lol. Have you read it?

Sylvia Plath's poetry is...confronting to say the least. But interesting!

James

[White_Rose]

Hello Em

You can always read the book on your own. It may give you better insight into the play. I encouraged my children to read Tolkien, Lord of the Rings and C S Lewis, The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe series. So when these books were turned into films we all went along to see them. Afterwards we sat in the cafe and pulled the films apart. Why did they put that bit in, it wasn't in the story? Why did they miss that huge chunk? Needless to say we had a great time in our discussions.

What a great opportunity to go to Germany. Do you speak German? Will you keep a journal of your travels? It's always nice to look back and remember the details. My eldest daughter learned German at school and we had an exchange student stay with us for a some weeks. It was an interesting experience. The headmistress of the school my daughter attended had agreed for the exchange students to go to school there. She allowed them to wear civvies as school uniforms for a few weeks would be expensive. Our student was unhappy because she could not wear jeans to school, something she had been used to doing. The headmistress said all the exchange students had to wear skirts. My word our student was cranky.

I love singing, usually in the shower or when no one is at home. I also write poetry. I write Japanese Haiku style poetry which I thoroughly enjoy. Would you like to include some of your poetry in your posts? I would very much like to read it. I have a couple of books of Leunig's poetry that I enjoy.

I have a large history library and enjoy reading. What do you write about? When I was younger I wrote fairy stories but I have no idea where these got to. I certainly don't have them now. I do have all my school reports though why I kept them I'm not sure. Could do better was a frequent comment.

I read a post you wrote on another thread and thought it lovely. Please carry on writing.

Mary

[BenignSky]

Aw, he's still such a cute little fluff ball. Little baby bunny, haha.

I read Flowers In The Attic a few years ago, which comes under gothic horror, and that was a very...weird book to say the least. I have Wuthering Heights and Jane Eyre in my book case which I'm hoping to read over my break (thank God school ends tomorrow, except I have an assignment over the holidays). I'm sad that I can't read the novel, I might borrow it out at school tomorrow. I like the gothic scene too; I have always been largely fascinated by the creepy and gorey and murderous gloom, yet I've always been an idiot for romantic elements, even if it's not romance itself. Edward Scissorhands, for example. Yeah it had romance but gosh it was so touching. And no, I haven't read Dracula, though I did a research project on Vlad the Impaler which Dracula was based on. I'd be interested to read it. I'll have to look for that one too, haha.

I've heard it's confronting, but if my school uses it in our English classes etc, can't be that bad, aha. I love Edgar Allan Poe too; he was very talented. My teacher was asking about monsters (Frankenstein) and what we think of them. Every person said scary and tall and dark; how about agile, vacant, misunderstood? How about maybe they metaphorically represent the misunderstood personas every human has who just wants to fit in but can't because they are deemed 'unsightly' to be integrated into society? I don't believe many things are bad. Yes, if I were confronted by a demon or something, I would probably be terrified, but when we see things that aren't 'normal', of course we freak and isolate the abnormality. It's time we accepted that you know?

That was a very long answer to a very short post, haha.

I'll be quiet now.

- Em

[BenignSky]

Hey Mary,

That's so cool, I wish I could do that. Unfortunately, my family never really has time to read, unless we are flying or something, so I can't do those analyses of movies and books etc. It sounds like fun though. I like discussing books and different meanings certain passages can have. In class, I think differently to the rest of my peers, so I can interpret the book in different ways that most people wouldn't consider. No one understands my thoughts though. I'm a little too eccentric and wild with my ideas.

No, unfortunately I don't speak German, but that's what I'm hoping to do over my holiday break. I still have to wait for a host family to choose me, aha. Do you remember whereabouts in Germany your host student came from? I'd love to live in one of the many small villages, particularly down south towards Switzerland, Black Forest and Bavaria. I'd love to go see the Neuschwanstein castle in Bavaria. I wouldn't mind being up north, where it's colder and close to Denmark. I'd like to be near the borders so hopefully it's easy for me to cross over and stuff haha.

Haikus are awesome, but I have a lot of trouble writing them. I wouldn't call what I write poetry, more free verse in prose (?). It's usually personification, but I haven't written in a long time. I only write for school, I don't have time for anything else, which sucks because I was told I was a very good writer. I loved writing (mostly romance, especially over the last three years seeing as my romantic interests grew) and I would write journalism and short stories and poetry and snapshots and all sorts of stuff. Now I have nothing to inspire me. I'm in the middle of writing down my dreams for Jordan, because he's appeared in a number of them, haha.

I'll post one day, when I can find a piece of writing or a small piece that I find good enough (I'm majorly critical, ha).

- Em

[BenignSky]

A snippet of two different pieces.

"When he called my name, I melted. He transformed me into a puddle. A mixture between milk, honey, and the baritone from a cello, his voice was a temptation that only kissed the ears of most, but resonated deep only in my heart. His voice varied; his morning voice was weak and lazy, a sexy rasp that made me blush."

"Icy tendrils slither down the back of my neck, my senses heightening, alerting me to the utter rebellion I’m performing. My body convulses, each step bringing new waves of nausea. I shift my gaze from my quivering feet to the scene in front of me. Blankets of fog swirl in between my feet, playing a game of tag. Granite and sandstone tombstones protrude from the ground haphazardly. Some of them are carved into beautiful angels or the Christian Cross. Others have the appearance of men hunched over.
I creep past each headstone, trying to keep the beam of my torch in a straight line. A squelch rings louder than the bass at a music concert and I squirm. An invisible hand smothers my mouth in a millisecond, sickening, rotting air assaults my nasal passageways. I gag and stumble away from the odour. The malodorous stench is a plastic seal, wrapping around my lungs, suffocating me. I snatch at the nearest headstone and breathe, opening my lungs to the scent of wet dirt, clay and death. My torch beam is snuffed out.
My bones turn into lead, sticky with superglue. My eyes flick back and forth, my heart flip flopping like a fish out of water. A twig shatters behind me, jarring me to the tickling sensation in the pit of my stomach. I gulp, and swivel my head upwards. The moonlight spears through the cloud, cascading down on tree branches,
the tips of the branches lethal claws. A brisk wind snaps the scene into motion, those claws seeming to creep closer to me.
Another crunch resonates behind me, and I spring into action. I ditch my torch and allow my feet to scurry through the cemetery. Howls sound in the distance and tree branches snag and rake my hair. The moon slinks back behind the clouds and I’m shrouded in darkness once again, but my feet refuse to stop. My toe stubs something hard and I’m plummeting forward. A sickening thud tells me I’ve stopped my descent. I roll my tongue in the inside of my cheek. Dirt and the coin like taste of blood floods my tastebuds. My eyes flicker close and black encroaches my vision, the signs of a deep sleep.
A deep sleep into which I fall."

[BballJ]

Hi BenignSky,

There is no perfect advice and I have seen you on other threads and I think the support you offer is great, just be yourself and just talking to people I find helps them the most, just knowing someone is there, willing to listen to them is mostly what people want. I don't have any qualifications, I just want to help people who are suffering like I was and still suffer to this day.

Regarding the psych, were you holding back information from them, not telling them the whole story? I found it hard to open up to my psych straight away about my feelings but when I did, they were able to help me. It's good you are booked for another appointment in July but try to get the most out of them as well, it's all for your benefit.

My best,

Jay

[White_Rose]

Em, that writing is good. Have you showed it to any of your teachers for comment? I love your metaphors and similes. You have certainly evoked a graveyard at night with all its traps and snares. May I make a suggestion (or two)? Try not to use so many adjectives in in any one sentence. The reader can get overwhelmed by too much information and lose the thread of the story. To make the writing snappy or to give a sudden fright, use a very short sentence. It gives impact and jolts the reader into awareness. E.g. "I shot him" instead of "I saw the man lurking behind the bush and I shot him".

I hope you don't mind my suggestions. I think you have a creative mind and thoroughly enjoy your writing, spilling all the emotions attached to a scenario onto the paper.

What do you find difficult about writing Haiku? I made a mess with the syllable at first thinking it was 7/5/7 then realising it was 5/7/5. I had to go back and rewrite the verses I had already written. Here are a couple of mine.

Alone in my garden.
My friends turn their faces to me,
And smile in the sun.

On white winter rock,
Gecko basks in warm delight,
Head up hails the sun.

I wrote those when I was not very happy. I find writing verse make me concentrate on the subject and the hurt part of me fades away for a time. In spite of how I felt the verses are quite light I think.

I am a member of a book club. We meet monthly at different homes. The host chooses the book for discussion. I think I must be a bit like you as I was told my comments were always interesting because they were different. So you are not alone.

Our exchange student came from Nordhessen I think. She gave us a tourist book of that area. Other than that I cannot remember.

What do you do, other than go to school, that means you have no time to read. It's one of the greatest pleasures of life. When my children were young we spent most of Saturday taking them to various activities. My sons played hockey in the morning while the girls were at ballet, then the girls played netball. Amongst all this we did our grocery shopping. Then the boys started playing club hockey which meant Sundays. They also played cricket. The girls changed from netball to hockey. Full on days.

Mary