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I Don't Even Know Anymore...
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Hey, guys,
I've been drifting around in the social sector of Beyond Blue but decided to post on here. The title really says it all. I'm unsure of everything and anything.
My name is Emily (or Em or any other nickname you wanna call me) and I'm fifteen years old, yes I'm still a baby. I don't really know what's going on with me, but I can tell you, I've been through a lot. From bullying, body image issues, sexual assault twice, friendship issues, online issues, relationship issues, losing loved ones, random and so few panic attacks, self harm and what I can only describe as an eating disorder yet not professionally diagnosed - I've had a good share of what life has to offer.
My issue, at the moment, is this. My friend (A) was dating this girl (B). B, had been lying about some serious issues, a lot of which I've had experience with. It is believed that B isn't telling the truth and for good reason, but there must be a reason for the lies - right? Anyway, A and B broke up a few weeks ago and A made this group chat online with my friendship group for support because he was all over the place. Anyway, basically it turned into a place to plan attacks on his ex girlfriend. I'm not like that. So, me being me, went and said something to a teacher because I can't let something like that happen. Like, yeah, she did something horrible but at the same time, she doesn't deserve to get treated like that. Word has gotten back to my friends that I told the teachers and now I'm about to lose everyone so today is fun.
I get it was a bad move on my half, and pretty disloyal to my friends, but my morals will always win.
And bloody hell, now random people are messaging me and I've made a right mess of myself.
And I'm gonna lose everyone that I care about and I'm gonna be alone again and I'm frustrating more and more people. I'm awesome at relationships, did I mention that? Seriously, all my friends are avoiding me now.
Why do I do this to myself, argh...
And this is one of the many reasons I hate myself.
It's taking me so long to write this post because I'm dealing with it as we speak.
There's so much more I wanted to say on here but my life has just been consumed by this...dark cloud known as social media and loneliness. I went against my parent's advice by bringing this up with my teachers when I should've just left it but I didn't want to be involved and I can't let bullying happen, especially when I know B isn't coping.
Why do I do this to myself?
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I love Plath! And Frankenstein! I've also read both Jane Eyre and Wuthering Heights! 🙂 I loved studying texts in English at school. A lot of the time we got to study books/poets that I had already read and loved, and often analysing them made me love them more and greater appreciate them!
I really like and agree with your view on monsters, and it's something that I thought of more when I read Frankenstein. It's interesting, because we fear what we don't know or understand, which I guess is important and useful in our survival, but so much fear in this world (leading to dislike/hatred/negative perceptions), arises from this fear of the unknown. Even mere external differences, like skin colour, or religious practice, or the fact that something is small and eight-legged (hahaha). We (humans) are in this constant quest for progress, and gaining knowledge and understanding, but so many don't try and take the time to understand each other!
I also really enjoyed reading the things you wrote! Like Mary, I like your use of metaphors. I remember it was at one of my lowest moments with depression that I wrote my first poem that wasn't for school haha, and since then I've written a bit, whenever I feel like I need to.
I think I may get a little of how you feel about posting on other threads to help people? (or I'm way off!) It's something that I had a lot of trouble with, worrying that I would say the wrong thing/make things worse (because that's always what seems to happen when I try to help in any situation hahaha), and just thinking - who am I to offer support and love and 'advice' when I've gone through barely anything, to think I can even help, to say that I understand how it feels when really, I will never know?... But I know that if I were the person, I would appreciate anything, and just knowing someone has heard me would mean so much!
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Will someone hug me...and hold my hand...and kiss me...and sit with me...and cuddle me...and watch movies...and just be there for me...?
its been a bad day...
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Consider yourself held. Sit with me and watch a film. Which one will we watch? I am here.
Mary
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Hi BenignSky,
Sorry for my delay in-between posts, haven't been on the forums for a couple of days.
How are you? How was your weekend?
You said you are not good, what is wrong?
My best,
Jay
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Hello Em
Are you feeling better? Did you enjoy the film we watched a couple of evening ago? Good.
Can you tell us what i am not good. feels like? Has anything happened in the past few days? It would be lovely to read some of your poetry or other writing.
One more week of school holidays, or at least it is in Qld. Not sure what the other states do. Are you on holiday?
Love hear from you soon.
Mary
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Hey Em,
Just dropping by to say hello. I hope you are doing alright.
James
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I've been better lately, but I still get sad. I'm on my holiday break, so everything feels a little better for me, but I missed a shift at work and I got yelled at by my boss, so of course, I cried, because I'm an idiot haha. My friends still aren't talking to me, and Jordan is...just too busy. He got his tattoo today though.
Yesterday I took a self-love day. I woke up early, I was outside with my dogs, I did some cleaning, I went for a walk, I bought some presents for a friend, I donated some money, I bought myself some new shoes, I have been having coffee by myself, I caught up with a friend. I took a day for myself, and shopping is something I hate.
I had Christmas in July too, got all my presents early. I got a German dictionary and a German phrasebook and they're both so good. I haven't had time to read yet, but I've been sleeping heaps. It's raining right now, and I love the rain. I have an assignment to do though for English.
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Wow, it's an hour later, and I feel horrible.
It's so weird! I can be so happy and in a blink of an eye, I can lose it, and I'm down in the dumps and I feel all those negative emotions crawling up out of me. I leech negativity. I'm such a sour and dark person. No wonder no one wants to be around me. I'm a pessimist, always jump to the worst conclusions. Everything is in my head, I make it up. I do, I seriously do. I conjure up all these things and believe they're true for what? Attention? Because I like being sad? I over analyse? I don't know what it is.
It's weird. My emotions are conflicted. I'm sad and hurt, but I'm guilty and angry with myself. I'm selfish, but I know I'm not asking for much, yet I feel I am. My heart and mind are at war with each other once again. Once again and again and again. Why can't I just be normal for once? Why do I have to be so messed up and confused and so sad and hurt all the goddamn time?
I hate that I get attached to people. I hate that I care so much. I hate I love so much. I hate I expect the same from people. I hate that I expect someone to care about me as much as I do them. I hate how I just want to talk all the time. I hate that I can't be quiet. I hate that all I do is talk about myself. I hate that even when I ask about other people, they still don't want to talk to me. I hate how hard I try.
Yet these are all the things I love about myself too. Because if I didn't do it, who else would? And I like to think that people don't like me because I'm too kind and clingy than someone who doesn't care and is unattached. Maybe that's what people want though? I have no idea.
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My word Em, that was a huge vent. Great stuff. I think you are quite normal. We all have these self-doubts and sometimes all it takes is a word or look and we are beating ourselves up over it. We are gregarious, that's what makes us human. Being with people and talking about shoes and ships and sealing wax, and cabbages and kings, and why the sea is boiling hot and whether pigs have wings.
The world is out there ready for you to explore. There are people to meet and talk to and find out differences. If your school friends don't want to know you, find some other friends. Did you say you had a job? How do you get on with the people there? Many people enjoy having a bright bubbly person around. It makes us all feel good.
Remember you do not need to fix everyone's problems. It's better that they fix themselves otherwise someone can be so dependent on another that will be unable to function on their own. Listening is a great skill to cultivate. Listening to the underlying message which is often there.
Do you want to go to uni? If so, what do you want to study? Do you have dreams of working in a certain industry or occupations. Tell us what you hope to do.
Mary