I Don't Even Know Anymore...

[BenignSky]

Hey, guys,
I've been drifting around in the social sector of Beyond Blue but decided to post on here. The title really says it all. I'm unsure of everything and anything.
My name is Emily (or Em or any other nickname you wanna call me) and I'm fifteen years old, yes I'm still a baby. I don't really know what's going on with me, but I can tell you, I've been through a lot. From bullying, body image issues, sexual assault twice, friendship issues, online issues, relationship issues, losing loved ones, random and so few panic attacks, self harm and what I can only describe as an eating disorder yet not professionally diagnosed - I've had a good share of what life has to offer.
My issue, at the moment, is this. My friend (A) was dating this girl (B). B, had been lying about some serious issues, a lot of which I've had experience with. It is believed that B isn't telling the truth and for good reason, but there must be a reason for the lies - right? Anyway, A and B broke up a few weeks ago and A made this group chat online with my friendship group for support because he was all over the place. Anyway, basically it turned into a place to plan attacks on his ex girlfriend. I'm not like that. So, me being me, went and said something to a teacher because I can't let something like that happen. Like, yeah, she did something horrible but at the same time, she doesn't deserve to get treated like that. Word has gotten back to my friends that I told the teachers and now I'm about to lose everyone so today is fun.
I get it was a bad move on my half, and pretty disloyal to my friends, but my morals will always win.
And bloody hell, now random people are messaging me and I've made a right mess of myself.
And I'm gonna lose everyone that I care about and I'm gonna be alone again and I'm frustrating more and more people. I'm awesome at relationships, did I mention that? Seriously, all my friends are avoiding me now.
Why do I do this to myself, argh...
And this is one of the many reasons I hate myself.
It's taking me so long to write this post because I'm dealing with it as we speak.
There's so much more I wanted to say on here but my life has just been consumed by this...dark cloud known as social media and loneliness. I went against my parent's advice by bringing this up with my teachers when I should've just left it but I didn't want to be involved and I can't let bullying happen, especially when I know B isn't coping.
Why do I do this to myself?

[james1]

Hey Em,

Sorry I just read on the cafe that you're seeing your psych tomorrow.

Do you think it will be good to talk about what's been happening recently? I sometimes actually ask my psych how she thinks she can help me, when I'm feeling so demotivated. It helps me to know that someone knows what's happening, when I have no clue.

James

[BenignSky]

I just need something physical and know that someone cares. "If people care about you, they'll make an effort to keep you in their life." No one cares about me, honestly. No one has made any effort with me. I tried rekindling my friendship with a friend, I hadn't spoken to her since she got back from her holiday, and she brushed me off, wasn't excited to see me, completely dissed me. No one is here for me. It's horrible and it sucks so much.

I wish I could hold your hand - you know how long it's been since I've had physical contact with someone? And I don't mean bumping into someone but intentional like "here I am look we are touching" contact. When you see everyone else hugging one another and crawling over each other and being stupid together and you're on the outer edge having no one do any of that with you, you feel like something is wrong with you - that you're disgusting and wrong.

Yeah, I think I watched it ages ago. I like the quote, because it does certainly capture how I'm feeling. I give myself to everyone and everything and I always put in 100% effort into all that I do - I got Above on an assignment and I'm redoing it because it wasn't my best work. I have stayed up all night taking care of my friends who have been in bad places, and talking to them, so they know someone cares and someone loves them. I'm always there for people, I'm always encouraging them, I'm constantly complimenting people because I know how far a kind word can go but no one is there for me. Everyone is so fake in this world. I can be there for everyone and give them all that I have, but when I need someone, when I'm up at night contemplating as to why I'm here and weighing my self-worth on how happy I make people and how much stress I cause people, and when I message someone asking for help, everyone is suddenly too busy.

No, that's not what I want, but that's what it is. My needs and wants don't matter to anyone. No one listens to me, no one wants to discuss things with me about anything and everything. Whenever I'm happy no one cares, whenever I'm sad, no one cares except to get the gossip then they leave. I just want someone to pay attention and tell me that they care about me, you know? I mean, is that so bloody hard to ask for?

I've never really had a best friend or someone I can rely on and that's really hard when I see all these people with friends they've known since they were little, or they just have this connection that I want.

[BenignSky]

Continuing on from the last post, sorry, ran out of space.

I always put myself last because I just don't care anymore. I honestly couldn't care less. I don't value myself. My priorities? Family, my friend in the US and animals, school, homework, work, housework, etc etc. I'm at the bottom of the list.

It's not even about someone loving me, but more along the lines of knowing my love for someone can make them so happy, it's insane. It's not even about me. I can't be selfish, I might like to talk about myself, but I'm not selfish. I've given up seats for people, moved groups so friends can be together and I'm the one alone. I've done so much and always put everyone else above me, because I don't see myself as valid. No one else sees me as valid so why should it matter?

I've gone to the counsellors before and they've done absolutely nothing. I've tried talking to them about stuff, but no one gets it. It feels like they're talking down to me. My school is reactive, not proactive. Even then, when crap happens, they still don't do anything, it's ridiculous. It angers me. There's so much fault in this process, and there's so much they can change but they never listen.

Yeah, my family knows how much I've been going through with my assault, and I bring up friendships and loneliness with mum and stuff, but they don't know how empty I feel on the inside.

Right now, I'm in class and no one is sitting next to me. At all. I've been sitting alone all day today. How can I not feel lonely?

[james1]

Hey Em, I care about you. And that's not just me-caring-about-everyone caring about you, but I would love to see you find your version of happiness.

Sometimes we can find ourselves quite isolated and alone and it's hard to know why, so we blame ourselves. But rather than seeing it as a matter of being "not enough", it can be more helpful to look at it from the perspective of, "what brings me happiness which is entirely in my control?"

That is not to say we discount emotional connection entirely though.

One of my happiest moments last year was when I was chatting to this lovely lady, also around my age, on the ferry from Manly to Circular Quay. I don't know her name or anything, but we were two strangers who happened to sit opposite each other and had enough in common to chat on the ferry then also on the train. We never had any intention to meet up again or anything, but that connection was built and I was happy.

That bit of happiness came about because I decided I needed to get better at talking to strangers. I wanted to just be able to say hello to a stranger on a train. It had nothing to do with making myself more appealing to others - it was just a thing I wanted to get better at, for myself.

Is that maybe something you could consider with your psychologist beside you? What do you want for yourself, which is entirely in your control?

I honestly think that once we start to focus more on these things, we find ourselves surrounded by people more like us, and thus more supportive and kind and understanding of who we are. Until then, we are a bit of an enigma to everyone and people don't know what to do with that.

James

[BenignSky]

It just feels like no one cares. And I am so close to just giving up on everything and anything. I am so close to the end of my tether. I literally just bolted from class because people were joking about sexual harassment/assault/rape and when I pulled them up on it, they were joking about how I was 'triggered'. This is a week after I opened up to my whole cohort about all the stuff I've dealt with and how they need to be careful. It annoys me and angers me to no end. There's no respect for mental illness and traumatic experiences and racism. I've been in the bathrooms crying. You know what's disturbing? The fact that men are making these jokes about women. Women are making these jokes about women. It's disgusting. There's no respect. There's nothing. No one knows how hard it is.

What brings me happiness is making other people happy and being around other people. But I can't control how they feel and how they choose to approach me, you know? What else brings me happiness...animals. That's what, but I can't volunteer at shelters or keep my pets with me when I'm at school. Jordan makes me happy, but he's not in a good place right now and refuses to let me be there for him and of course unrequited love. I don't have time to read, but that makes me happy, so you know.

Sorry, I'm a little angry right now, and I think it's showing through my typing.

I don't know what I want for myself. I honestly have no idea, I don't care. I just want to make others happy. That's my aim in life. I know what it feels like to be unloved, to feel so horrible and worthless and feel like you're not enough for anyone, and I never want anyone to feel like that, so I will give them my all so that they don't have to feel like that. Even if it uses everything in me. No one should feel unloved and worthless.

So I'll give all my love to everyone I meet.

[james1]

Hey Em, it's wonderful and sweet that your aim is to make sure others don't feel unloved, but love is a two-way street. Just as it's selfish to accept and not give love, it is also difficult to give love, but not accept it.

To accept someone's love and care is another way of showing that you love them. But this is sometimes the hardest thing to do, and is something psychologists can help us with.

It might be that nobody around you right is being supportive. Your peers at school sound like they really have no clue. But that doesn't mean that people don't care. Your parents may not know how empty you feel on the inside, but that doesn't mean she doesn't care. It might even be possible that she cares the most, yet you are turning that away by habit, without even thinking.

Learning to accept love is just as important as learning to give live - something you do very very well, from the posts I've seen you give to others on the forums.

So it is okay to feel angry and to tell us. This is a safe place for you to just be you. There is no need to show me or anyone here love, because this is a place for you to be you, and us to share understanding, and I get you.

Your psychologist is there to help you, and we are here to support you.

James

[BenignSky]

If someone asked me to hang out with them, I would say yes in a heart beat but no one seems to want me to hang out with them. I'm so willing to accept love, but no one seems to be wanting to give at the moment. How can I accept something that isn't there, you know?

I would accept anyone's love.

Mum is too busy with her job, my brother is stressing about year 12, and dad has no empathy and emotion - it's not they don't care, they're just too busy to pay any attention to me. It sounds clingy and awful but you know...

I want a hug. I just want a hug, and to hold someone's hand. That's all.

I'm so tired.

[james1]

Hey Em,

I am not saying this is you, as only you can know, but sometimes we mistake friendship and desire for love and care. For example, I have a friend who is a lovely person to be around - lots of fun and makes you feel good about yourself. But she also isn't one to talk about anything close to heart. I couldn't count on her if I was having a terrible day. Equally, I have a friend who I almost never talk to. Maybe once every few months, and it used to be once every few years. But I know I can count on him - if only I made the effort to reach out and let him know I'm feeling rubbish.

You said your mother is too busy to pay any attention to you. I get this. I thought the same of my ex - no surprise then that we broke up when I started to withdraw because I thought she couldn't help me.

In truth though, all I needed to do was just tell her that I was really struggling and I needed her. She would've been there in a heartbeat, if only I gave myself that chance.

You absolutely deserve the chance to receive love and care from the people around you. But they don't know how much you're struggling, and they never will, unless you tell them directly and without any compromise.

When it comes to our mental health, we can't rely on others to know what to do. We need to tell them - parents, friends, doctors...it's super tough, but we have to break our habits to break the grip mental illness has over us.

It is okay to be tired and not want to challenge these thoughts right now. That can be a tomorrow thing. But it is important to keep in mind that we are individuals in this world, no matter how much we want to be with someone and to be someone. You have so many wonderful qualities as an individual, it would be great to see you learn how to use them for your own benefit, and not just others'.

James

[BenignSky]

I understand what you're saying, I do, and I agree with you. Just when you're so tired and out of it, you just give up and don't want to deal with anything. You want to curl up and ignore everything. Last night instead of doing homework I just stared at my bedroom wall for four hours. Didn't move. Except to eat of course.

There's this stupid idea that I have that for me to be considered worthy, I need someone to love me. It's this ridiculous and awful idea I have implanted in my head.

It gets so lonely. It hurts.

[james1]

Hey, it's not a stupid idea. I think it's a painful idea to hold on to, but it makes sense. You've had a pretty rough time growing up, so it's there now and unfortunately you're suffering a lot because of it. Loneliness hurts. It hurts even more when we base our worthiness on other people's appreciation of us.

Okay. So I've just uploaded a photo of my rabbit to prove to you that I am actually human. I am actually talking to you. And I do want to help you and sit with you.

Do you find writing helps you with your loneliness? I used to write a lot when I felt really upset. I dunno. I guess that was the romantic in me trying to live up to the sad reclusive writer image, hah.

James