I Don't Even Know Anymore...

[BenignSky]

Hey, guys,
I've been drifting around in the social sector of Beyond Blue but decided to post on here. The title really says it all. I'm unsure of everything and anything.
My name is Emily (or Em or any other nickname you wanna call me) and I'm fifteen years old, yes I'm still a baby. I don't really know what's going on with me, but I can tell you, I've been through a lot. From bullying, body image issues, sexual assault twice, friendship issues, online issues, relationship issues, losing loved ones, random and so few panic attacks, self harm and what I can only describe as an eating disorder yet not professionally diagnosed - I've had a good share of what life has to offer.
My issue, at the moment, is this. My friend (A) was dating this girl (B). B, had been lying about some serious issues, a lot of which I've had experience with. It is believed that B isn't telling the truth and for good reason, but there must be a reason for the lies - right? Anyway, A and B broke up a few weeks ago and A made this group chat online with my friendship group for support because he was all over the place. Anyway, basically it turned into a place to plan attacks on his ex girlfriend. I'm not like that. So, me being me, went and said something to a teacher because I can't let something like that happen. Like, yeah, she did something horrible but at the same time, she doesn't deserve to get treated like that. Word has gotten back to my friends that I told the teachers and now I'm about to lose everyone so today is fun.
I get it was a bad move on my half, and pretty disloyal to my friends, but my morals will always win.
And bloody hell, now random people are messaging me and I've made a right mess of myself.
And I'm gonna lose everyone that I care about and I'm gonna be alone again and I'm frustrating more and more people. I'm awesome at relationships, did I mention that? Seriously, all my friends are avoiding me now.
Why do I do this to myself, argh...
And this is one of the many reasons I hate myself.
It's taking me so long to write this post because I'm dealing with it as we speak.
There's so much more I wanted to say on here but my life has just been consumed by this...dark cloud known as social media and loneliness. I went against my parent's advice by bringing this up with my teachers when I should've just left it but I didn't want to be involved and I can't let bullying happen, especially when I know B isn't coping.
Why do I do this to myself?

[BenignSky]

You just feel like that there's something wrong with you, or you're not allowed to love/be loved. I've never had anyone come up to me. It's stupid, I know, I'm fifteen and young and should be out living. There's just so much pressure and expectation and when you're completely surrounded by couples and touching day in and day out you just...yeah.

It just sucks because people have told me the things I wanted to hear and used me for sexual stuff or for their own comfort or power. I feel dirty and horrible constantly because of it. I honestly believed they thought I was beautiful and that they wanted me.

Stupid.

First of all your bunny is adorable and I wanna play with him. He's so small and fluffy and awwww. Makes my heart flutter.

Secondly, I wish you could actually sit with me. Thank you, though, I do appreciate it. It means so much to me.

Ive gone off writing baha. I convinced myself I wasn't good enough. The only stuff I do write is love notes to Jordan who will never see them, or never believe them. He's got a girlfriend anyway and I'm not gonna get in the middle of that.

I wish I could read what you write. I like your writing style, and what you have to say.

sorry for late reply - work haha.

- Em

[BenignSky]

It's so cold in Melbourne right now. Cold weather and rainy days don't help my loneliness situation. Why I love autumn and winter so much is because you don't have to be social in those months and it's so cold that the only way you can warm up is by curling into someone, especially when you're going to bed or wanting a movie marathon so you just stay in and binge and cuddle and blankets and laugh and it's lazy days. I love cold weather because it's intimate. So my loneliness gets a lot worse when it is cold, and it's night time.

I wanna cuddle and snuggle so bad.

[james1]

Hey Em,

Have you got a onesie? I have a sheep onesie and I love getting into it and just lounging around doing nothing. It's my way of retreating from the world for a while, but then I have to eventually get up and go do some grocery shopping, run, whatever. I'm such a dreamer, it's actually dangerous for me to dream too much, lest I get lost in it, haha.

How are you today? Do you have your psych appiontment today?

James

[BenignSky]

Hey,

Yeah I do, it's a blue elephant and way too big for me, it's warm as though. You're good for running haha, and I work at a supermarket, ha. Dreaming is fun.

And nah, my psych cancelled on me. People are joking about everything I've been through. I'm a joke and have been labelled messed up by my peers. It's great. I feel wonderful about everything today.

[james1]

Oh that totally sucks about your appointment. When is the next one? It would be good to have one sooner rather than later. You're having a real shocker this week with people 😕 And school is not helping.

Will you have much over the long weekend to help you relax and unwind?

I am going up to the central coast so that will be nice. My sister will be taking care of the animals while I'm away.

[BenignSky]

I don't know when the next one is. She's hard to book with and work and homework is getting in the way.

Yeah. I'm not coping. I am fragile and ready to kind of collapse.

And no I won't. I'm working all weekend and Monday and I've got homework so I'm stressed. I have 1 and a half lesson to learn a unit then do a CAT on it. In 1 and a half more lessons.

I'm glad you get a break, that'll be good for you. What pets do you have?

[BenignSky]

Oh and hey, obviously that's me in my profile picture too, just to prove that I'm human too, haha.

[BenignSky]

I.
have.
hit.
the.
wall.

[james1]

Hey Em,

Did you send that last night? Night times are the worst 😞 What do you do to try and distract yourself at night?

I used to go for an emotional run around the block as fast as I could then I'd go home, shower if I could bother, and just mindlessly either watch YouTube or play on my XBox. I'd go to sleep when I was actually tired so I wouldn't have to stay awake forever. It doesn't work for everyone, but it helped me to not think too much at night.

I'm a bit worried about how your psych meetings seem to be a little low on the priority at the moment. Your work and homework can wait. Your mental health cannot.

If you can't get in with this psych, are you able to find someone else with more time?

I'd hate to see you suffer in silence and a psych can really help put a plan in place for you.

And yes, hello 🙂 Your photo is trippy! On the side, and on an angle!

I have my rabbit and a bird (cockatiel), and my dad has a dog (maltese x silky terrier). I'd love to get a husky and galah, as well as a turtle. And two rats. So apparently I need a bigger apartment and more time 😛

[BenignSky]

Hey, James,

Yeah, I did. At around 10:00pm, then I slept, then I was up at 2:00am doing homework until 5:00am, then I had a quick nap before waking up for school. I just sit and look at the ceiling. If I read, I get tired so I try to sleep but then I can't sleep because my mind wakes up when the lights turn out. I'm a completely different person at night, and it's like that's the time I really wake up.

You're lucky you can run haha. I wish I could do that, but I have to go to bed at around 9/10 because my parents tell me to go to sleep, you know? So I can't do anything at night. But it is true, you shouldn't go to bed if you're not tired, but when you have a set schedule, kind of hard not to disagree with it haha.

I'm trying to work around things but she's either booked or doesn't work the days I'm free. I'll be okay, I'll get through it. Jordan is talking to me again, little bits but something, so I'm feeling a little better because of that.

Haha, well, my photo wasn't meant to be like that, but that's how it came up on the profile thing so that is how it is.

Aw, gorgeous, and rats are beautiful, I love them so much. And turtles are so cool! I have a turtle soft toy 🙂