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I Choose To Survive (Battling anxiety, depression & avpd)

Emmy.
Community Member

I believe that I wasn’t meant for this world. I feel misunderstood by those around me. I feel I am a burden. But I choose to survive for my husband.

So a little about me... I’m 35, married to my soul mate - he is my everything. No kids (yet... maybe ever due to my physical and mental health).

2013 is that year... that year that marks the before and the after. Experienced my first ever panic attack whilst away celebrating my 30th birthday. The attacks continued (still do) and in June 2013 my GP prescribed me with anti-depressants and referred me to a psychologist. My psychologist diagnosed me with generalised anxiety disorder (GAD) & depression. I was told I have no self-worth or self-confidence and a fear of rejection & abandonment. My world grew dark.. very dark. I wanted out!

Anxiety has always played its part in my life, possibly a genetic predisposition as there’s much history of mental illness within our family. I’ve lost my Pop & Uncle to suicide and my dear Grandma suffered many years with agoraphobia (something I’m developing tendencies of).

Then tragically in 2014 my mother died very suddenly, she’d not been ill. My world fell apart. I retreated from everyone and everything. Had to quit my job as my GP and psychologist were concerned I’d have a breakdown. Some days I wouldn’t leave the safety of my bedroom, wouldn’t shower, wouldn’t even brush my teeth! My husband had to help dress me on my really bad days.

Having made little progress with my psychologist I was further referred to a psychiatrist. He reviewed my medication, also diagnosed me with avoidant personality disorder (AvPD) and I opened up about self harm behaviours I’ve battled with for quite some time.

It’s been almost 5 years of battling my demons. I need to work on the past traumas that have caused this, but I’ve been told I’m not strong enough yet. I still see my psychologist & psychiatrist each month and still take my medications. I know this is just my life now.

I’ve come back to beyond blue as I’m needing a safe place to talk and some support... I’m not doing too well. Life is pushing down on me once again and I feel like I can’t breathe.

Thanks for taking the time to read this, it means a lot.

193 Replies 193

Emmy.
Community Member

Hi Grandy. Thanks for saying you can relate to my post, I’m sorry that you can relate but it’s nice to know I’m not alone in those feelings.

I don’t know what I did to be blessed with such a loving supportive husband. I do feel he deserves better and always tell him I’d understand if he wanted to leave. My husband just cries and tells me he wants me. My psychiatrist tells me I try to self sabotage the relationship sometimes because I feel undeserving - I really need to stop doing that. As it’s affecting my husband. I hate my mental illness for the effects it has on him. I’m not the girl he married. He reminds me of our wedding vows and says he knows I’d support him if the role was reversed.

Sorry to hear that you lost your husband four years ago. And sorry that he wasn’t a nice husband. I’ve never experienced people that are narcissistic so not sure what they are like, does that mean when people are wrapped up in themselves? Grandy it must be hard to be estranged from your sons - do you see much of them or talk to them?

I’ve seen that thread you asked about. I think I commented on it. My answer was obviously no. So that’s why I say I choose to survive for my husband. Cause if it wasn’t for him I know I would not be here. Hard to admit and hard for people (my family) to hear but it’s the truth.

Emmy.
Community Member

Hi Smallwolf. I like the sound of your happy place. There’s something so beautiful about stone buildings isn’t there. Thanks for sharing with me.

Guest8901
Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

Good morning Emmy. We met briefly in the Cafe a few days ago, so hello again.

I have been filling in some time and trying to distract myself through the early morning, so have read some of your thread.

Like many others here, I am saddened by your situation. I am only on my mobile phone now, as I am away from home. So I will read further when I get home, and will write a more detailed response then.

I note that you have a little doggy companion. I do too, and dont know what I would do without her.

Talk more in a day or two.

Mandy 🐶

Chloe_M
Valued Contributor
Valued Contributor

Hi Emmy,

I finally had time to check out your thread. I read your first post, I had goosebumps and my eyes were watering 😢 You have been and are dealing with a load heavier than most people's, it's not fair. But then again, life isn't fair. Which is why we need to be strong. And you are the epitome of mental strength. You are a role model Emmy, and very important. Don't you ever forget that. You give support and speak words that I know come directly from your heart. I'm glad you've come back to BB. I wasn't here when you were before, but I reckon they would have missed you.

😘 Chloe

Emmy.
Community Member

Hi Mandy. Thanks for reading my thread. Hope you’re doing ok - you said you were trying to distract yourself this morning.

My little dog is everything to me. He’s what you call a “Velcro dog” so follows me everywhere (even to the toilet - lol - too much information). No but seriously I’d be lost without him, especially in the evening when my husband is at work. It gets lonely. I was considering registering him as a service dog as my psychiatrist thought it would be a good idea... so I could take him on planes, into movie theatres, shops - anywhere I have panic attacks. Just lots to organise so I’ve put it off.

Do you have a thread of your own where I can come say hi.

Hope you have a good day. Emmy x

Velcro dog - that did make me giggle, although that might have been the visual I got of having a dog stick to everything that helped.

I think the service dog idea is great - could you make a start on organising it, perhaps?

Buddy follows me to the bathroom too, sometimes he sits on the toilet mat and sometimes he just does a lap and walks out again,,,he's a strange cat!

Emmy.
Community Member

Aaww Chloe thanks for coming and finding me ❤️ Sorry to have made you cry. Yeah life is hard but for some reason I’ve been given this life to live. Sometimes I wonder if we keep coming back to learn different life lessons. Probably a bit heavy. But we are all struggling in our own ways. There’s a quote I love ...

“We’re all in the same game, just different levels. Dealing with the same hell just different levels”.

Thank you for your kind words Chloe - it’s really touched me. You don’t know how much. ❤️ X

Chloe_M
Valued Contributor
Valued Contributor

Hi Emmy

I like your user picture, its literally me.

Same with me; this life kills me but for some obscure reason it is the burden i was given to carry. So i will carry it as best i can.

I actually found it quite refreshing to cry, i needed to let it all out. Hope you have a good day,

Chloe x 😄

Emmy.
Community Member

Quote was meant to read

“We’re all in the same game, just different levels. Dealing with the same hell just different devils.”

Emmy.
Community Member
Sometimes it’s good to have a cry... let it all out. Xx