I Choose To Survive (Battling anxiety, depression & avpd)
I believe that I wasn’t meant for this world. I feel misunderstood by those around me. I feel I am a burden. But I choose to survive for my husband.
So a little about me... I’m 35, married to my soul mate - he is my everything. No kids (yet... maybe ever due to my physical and mental health).
2013 is that year... that year that marks the before and the after. Experienced my first ever panic attack whilst away celebrating my 30th birthday. The attacks continued (still do) and in June 2013 my GP prescribed me with anti-depressants and referred me to a psychologist. My psychologist diagnosed me with generalised anxiety disorder (GAD) & depression. I was told I have no self-worth or self-confidence and a fear of rejection & abandonment. My world grew dark.. very dark. I wanted out!
Anxiety has always played its part in my life, possibly a genetic predisposition as there’s much history of mental illness within our family. I’ve lost my Pop & Uncle to suicide and my dear Grandma suffered many years with agoraphobia (something I’m developing tendencies of).
Then tragically in 2014 my mother died very suddenly, she’d not been ill. My world fell apart. I retreated from everyone and everything. Had to quit my job as my GP and psychologist were concerned I’d have a breakdown. Some days I wouldn’t leave the safety of my bedroom, wouldn’t shower, wouldn’t even brush my teeth! My husband had to help dress me on my really bad days.
Having made little progress with my psychologist I was further referred to a psychiatrist. He reviewed my medication, also diagnosed me with avoidant personality disorder (AvPD) and I opened up about self harm behaviours I’ve battled with for quite some time.
It’s been almost 5 years of battling my demons. I need to work on the past traumas that have caused this, but I’ve been told I’m not strong enough yet. I still see my psychologist & psychiatrist each month and still take my medications. I know this is just my life now.
I’ve come back to beyond blue as I’m needing a safe place to talk and some support... I’m not doing too well. Life is pushing down on me once again and I feel like I can’t breathe.
Thanks for taking the time to read this, it means a lot.
How did your appointment go today Smallwolf. They can be exhausting hey.
Thanks for letting me know the name of your tread I’ll go search for it.
How are you finding being on the anti-depressants? I’ve been on them for 5 years now. Lots of changes - onto my third different one now. I was also on an anti-psychotic one for a while too 😞 So don’t be scared if these ones you’re on don’t suit you or you get told they need to be changed or the dosage needs tweaking. Sometimes it can take a while to find the right one. Keep talking with your GP about how your feeling. Sorry I should be putting all this on your thread hey. Anyway I’ll go find you 🙂
Thank you for the compliment about the title. Just how it is. I choose to survive this, not for me, but for my husband. Who knows maybe one day it’ll be for me. But I can’t see that ever happening.
Your not full of yourself saying you want your story to give others hope. It’s lovely! It’s says a lot about you.
I like the idea of making it through and coming to rolling hills with flowers and a soft breeze. Sounds idyllic.
Do you have a happy place? Somewhere away from home that you feel safe. For me my happy place is down by the lake near where I live. There’s a beautiful park out on a point, surrounded by water. One side is always calm and peaceful.. the other side choppy, ruff and windy. There’s beautiful old Norfolk pine and moreton bay fig trees that grow along the edge of the lake. Theres a small beach area where you can paddle in the water. It’s magic there! Sometimes I can have the whole place to myself. I find it hard to leave the house (another thing I battle with is agoraphobic tendancies) so its nice to have a happy place which isn’t just home. Because home has become my safe place but also my prison.
Anyway this is going off topic lol so I’ll stop now and search for your thread.
Chat again hopefully. Emmy.
Have you gone for your drive yet Narelle? My psychologist taught me to ground myself in the car, feel your bum on your seat, your hands on the steering wheel. Imagine “confident Narelle” sitting next to you in the passenger seat. Talk to her and let her encourag you.
Thanks for saying you love my poem... simple but how I feel. I wrote it a while ago but it still rings true!
I like to valid
people esp those who have gone through life bein constantly
invalidated and put down. I find for me it helps to talk it out,
sounds similar to you. Love your poems btw, your very talented.
Ever thought on joining a poetry group?
“ if they had the
power to take I away how can I ever get the power to get it back”
oh Em, because you are you and not what everyone thinks you are or wants you to be.
Be who you want to be.
'no one can make you feel inferior without your consent' Eleanor Roosevelt
when learning to play an insturment, you start with learning the notes, nd what they mean and work up to it. Theres no right and wrong way to learn and no set pace either. Piano is hard but worth it once you get the hanf of it. I learnt piano for a bit, learnt the notes and some songs that didnt really require the 2 lines. I didnt get to the 2 lines. Thats advanced, start with beginner stuff ❤️
oh yes little critters can be quite stubborn someimes cant they....until you bring out the treats lol.
Yes I do believe they have that 6th sense when somethings wrong. My horses are like that however when its fear it also makes them on edge too. Upset though they tend to hang around like a bad smell lol.
You could buy some hom dvds for tai chi then when your up for it join a group. Or get private lessons to start with.
Hows your day been?
Just tagging if that's ok..
Your poem Emmy, is very sad and soul touching. I can feel your hurt and pain through your poem.. I like the ending you done after your husband suggestion.. Please do hold on to faith and hope..
I hope it's okay if I read your thread and I can also try to support you..
Thanks SN for all your suggestions - you’re very clever aren’t you. Really like the idea of a poetry group... just wonder how i’d find one. Can always start with google hehe. With the piano lessons first lesson he was trying to get me to play with too hands lol...maybe I needed a different music school 😉
Totally know what you mean about animals having a sixth sense. I swear my dog can see “spirits” sometimes. Shortly after my Mum passed away he’d be standing in one spot staring at, what seemed like, nothing wagging his tail vigorously. I often wonder if my Mum was around. It still happens occasionally from time to time but not as much as just after she died.
Day has been ok. Did a few chores around the house and had my sister over for dinner. Which was nice. But lots of overthinking things... so exhausted from that - you know how it is. Constant hey! What about you, how’s your day been. I’ll go and check in on your thread. Xx
Hi Grandy. Nice to meet you. Thanks for stopping by my thread 🙂
You said “just tagging” - sorry I don’t know what that mean? But whatever it is I’m sure I’d be ok with it lol.
I don’t believe the ending I wrote for my husband. I hope one day I can believe it.
You’re most welcome to read my thread, of course. All welcome here. Lol. Do you have a thread of your own that I can go and visit and say hi. Emmy x
HI Emmy (i havent written on my thread yet- im rather slow!)
with the groups, email places like your local community centre as they might have groups there, another way is typing into google 'poetry groups (your area) ' and good old facebook.. you can put up an advert for your local area asking if anyone knows of anything. im sure youll find something.
ah yeh i think you need a new music school. theres no way i could just play with 2 hands! it took me ages to learnt he notes properly and to play a song! i learnt through school from yr 7-9 so had a while to practice.
i was talking to someone else about spirits and our loved ons abit earlier today. i do beleive in them and have often been left clues like feathers, certain smells and sounds. they are around even though we cant see them.
ah yep chores are tiring. i hope you enjoyed dinner with your sis. it sounds good. do you have a good relationship with her?
also- 'tagging' often means they want to be here but unsure what to say at this point in time so its like commenting so they are updated when others post.
Thank you very much, tagging just means moving your thread into my threads so I can find you easily,
I have read through your thread and can relate to a few things your struggling with, the feeling of no self worth, agoraphobia and not worthwhile.. but I'll leave that at that.
Emmy your husband sounds like he loves you very deeply and cares a lot about how you feel about yourself, I think that is really someone who is a very special person..I feel your husband sees you for the beautiful person you are and who I can see from reading your posts.
I also have agoraphobia, I only leave my house on Tuesdays unless it's a really bad emergency.. My bedroom and home is my life..I'm widowed 4 years now ( not a nice husband at all). Narcissistic..and my sons 3 have estranged themself from me for something that I am responsible for over 34 years ago..I feel quite alone, unwanted and unloved. But I am trying hard to help myself with the help of these wonderful people here...enough of me now..
Your opening post is very sad Emmy and it touched you have touched my heart.. Just curious if you have been to the thread,," do you love yourself thoughts your thoughts are welcome..well I think that's the right title..lol I forget things easily..old age I think..it's a good thread with lots of good suggestions and people's insight..just a thought..
I feel that you are being very hard on yourself, your words show a very caring and kind person.. .
I have two threads but my main one is. Alone, depressed and sad..but please don't feel obliged at all...
I sincerely hope that one day you will believe in yourself and the second ending of your poem..
Be gentle with yourself, you are a very important person..
Kind and peaceful thoughts.
Back again. I answered some of your questions on my thread.
In relation to the anti depressants I have been on them for about a week. Then the dreams started. I brought these up with my psych and GP. The dreams have not returned... luckily.
I will be seeing my psych and GP weekly for a while. And will be keeping them informed of all things related to my mental health.
My reasond for continuing and surviving includes tomorrow, family, wife. And many other items.
My happy and safe place is a park bench at Uni. It might sound odd but there are other stone buildings that I can see from that space which provide me with great comfort.
I just had a look for a group I may be interested in going to and I found a book club at the local library I may consider joining. The problem with me is that I want to join so many different groups (really want to learn how to embroider) but I don’t have the courage or confidence to go. And sometimes I find it hard to leave the house.
How interesting that you were speaking with someone today about spirits and agree with you about our loved ones leaving clues. I have a real connection to kookaburras since my Mum, they seem to always be around at significant events in our family. Next month will be 4 years since she died 😞
I have a really good relationship with my sisters. I have two older sisters (I’m the baby lol). And we have gotten a lot closer since losing our Mum. I have a really small family so with my Dad and sisters we’re really close (plus my brother in law, two nephews and hubby of course).
Thanks for letting me know what “tagging” is.