I Choose To Survive (Battling anxiety, depression & avpd)

[Emmy.]

I believe that I wasn’t meant for this world. I feel misunderstood by those around me. I feel I am a burden. But I choose to survive for my husband.

So a little about me... I’m 35, married to my soul mate - he is my everything. No kids (yet... maybe ever due to my physical and mental health).

2013 is that year... that year that marks the before and the after. Experienced my first ever panic attack whilst away celebrating my 30th birthday. The attacks continued (still do) and in June 2013 my GP prescribed me with anti-depressants and referred me to a psychologist. My psychologist diagnosed me with generalised anxiety disorder (GAD) & depression. I was told I have no self-worth or self-confidence and a fear of rejection & abandonment. My world grew dark.. very dark. I wanted out!

Anxiety has always played its part in my life, possibly a genetic predisposition as there’s much history of mental illness within our family. I’ve lost my Pop & Uncle to suicide and my dear Grandma suffered many years with agoraphobia (something I’m developing tendencies of).

Then tragically in 2014 my mother died very suddenly, she’d not been ill. My world fell apart. I retreated from everyone and everything. Had to quit my job as my GP and psychologist were concerned I’d have a breakdown. Some days I wouldn’t leave the safety of my bedroom, wouldn’t shower, wouldn’t even brush my teeth! My husband had to help dress me on my really bad days.

Having made little progress with my psychologist I was further referred to a psychiatrist. He reviewed my medication, also diagnosed me with avoidant personality disorder (AvPD) and I opened up about self harm behaviours I’ve battled with for quite some time.

It’s been almost 5 years of battling my demons. I need to work on the past traumas that have caused this, but I’ve been told I’m not strong enough yet. I still see my psychologist & psychiatrist each month and still take my medications. I know this is just my life now.

I’ve come back to beyond blue as I’m needing a safe place to talk and some support... I’m not doing too well. Life is pushing down on me once again and I feel like I can’t breathe.

Thanks for taking the time to read this, it means a lot.

[Emmy.]

I found all the necessary paperwork to fill out him to become a service dog but there was a lot of different requirements he’d need to pass - I was unsure he would and thought the training would be too much. I’m hopeless, so slack and never commit to anything. It’s another thing I hate about myself - lack of commitment.

[Ggrand]

Hello Emmy,

I hope you are feeling okay today.

Emmy, your words to others here on the forum are so compassionate,kind and tender, I really think you are judging yourself so harshly, all I can see from what I hear is the total opposite of who you feel you are,

Your husband sounds really lucky to have you and visa versa, your husband loves you deeply for who you are, please darl, don't put yourself down anymore, look at yourself through your husbands eyes see what he sees in you, a loving supporting wife who he loves very much, and he is easily hurt by you being to hard on yourself, embrace his love and enjoy each other, go out, picnics, theatre, beach, just have fun together and make each other happy, life is too short not to.. I wish you could see you as he does and others do here.

Narcissistic well they are self centred, controlling, manipulative, and physically,mentally and sexually abusive, I was married for 38 yrs to him.. I wish my husband was as kind as yours is to give my love to..

Emmy, please darling, look after yourself and be gentle with yourself you are so deserving of doing this.

Kind thoughts,

Grandy.

[Music_Freak]

If you know the training tasks involved, could you maybe commit to 10 minutes for a week or month etc. and see how you go using treats as an incentive.

A weeks worth is only a little over an hour 🙂 I'm sure you can do that Emmy, I have faith that you can. After all YOU WENT TO HAWAII!!!

[Emmy.]

I’m so tired today. I want to reply to you Grandy and Narelle but I need to sleep. I’ll try to come back on later. I don’t know why I’m so tired.

Most days I’m tired. Probably just the depression? But do any of you really struggle to do continue to daily tasks over a long period of time. Like the little things. I hate admitting it ... I’ve never really admitted it... but I struggle and I don’t know if it’s laziness or part of my MI. (E.g. like today I was in the shower and I noticed my cleanser... I reached for it and realised I’d prob not used it in like 6 months. Same with my moisturiser after I got out. It’s like I just get in the shower and only have enough energy to do the essentials - soap, shampoo / conditioner and that’s it. It’s all the energy I have. And all the effort I want to put into myself. I’m clean but just not willing to make any extra effort). The shower is just one example. I don’t work, and we get a cleaner! Cleaning makes me feel overwhelmed and I break down in tears. Is that my anxiety or laziness? I just don’t know.

Anyway sorry I should be replying to you individually but I suppose I wanted to admit that. I hope someone can relate and people don’t judge. Don’t know where this has come from just something I noticed today.

[Music_Freak]

I used to think I was lazy too Emmy. My dad called me lazy, maybe that's why I believed it, I was conditioned to...but I think it is to do with depression - everything is exhausting when you're not functioning to your full potential. I have been known to do the bare minimun, it's not just you

[Ggrand]

Hello Emmy, MF,

I agree it's our depression that takes our motivation away, I used to be constantly busy cleaning my home, gardening etc, but once depression got its claws into me, I have no motivation to even make my bed daily, if I get up..

Its not laziness Emmy I think it's our depression.

Grandy

[Chloe_M]

Count me in Grandy.

i used to be so excited and ready for school, dancing, homework, seeing friends, seeing family, going out etc and now I'm just no into it. It's not appealing. I just want to stare at the wall and do nothing...

[Emmy.]

Thanks Narelle and Grandy. Sometimes I guess I just doubt myself and think it’s laziness. I’ll try not to be so hard.

Grandy it broke my heart when I read what your said narcissistic people are like. You deserved so much better from your husband and I’m sorry you had to experience that.

I judge myself cause of something that happened to be when I was younger. And I forever blame myself for that. My psychologist and psychiatrist tell me I was not at fault they groomed me and abused my trust but yeah anyway prob sharing too much. I just can’t seem to get past the shame of that. And now when I have found the love of my life he get the broken version of me. But everything I do, I do for him. So I am trying. We definitely have fun together but the anxiety restricts what we do cause of my panic attacks. And I don’t like being out of my comfort zone too much.

Thank you for always being so kind to me Grandy.

Narelle I totally should try to make the effort for him to become a service dog hey. I should think about how much more life I’d get back. Thank you for your encouragement. I’ll talk about it again with my hubby and see what he thinks. Imagine him coming to Hawaii with us 🙂

[Emmy.]

Ahh yes - staring at the wall. A favourite pastime of mine too. Chloe I’m so sorry that you’re having to experience depression and anxiety at such a young age. Hugs Xx

[startingnew]

Hi Emmy


the book club seems like a great idea. Having lots of ideas isnt a bad thing but take baby steps. A small group at quiet library with something your interested in sounds like a good step.
The end of april is when I lost my nan, itll be 3 yrs this yr. Doesnt really feel any easier though does it. Having a connection with the afterlife is really special. Many choose not to believe but like you I do and often see those smaller or co-incedental signs.
A close knit small family is better than a huge one that no one talks to one another in hey.


I was reading your post about feleing tired and strugling with the basics. Thats something I struggle with too. Its like a deep seated tiredness that rest and sleep doesnt help- is that the same for you too?
Im forced and on auto pilot most of the time with everything I need and have to do. When I do stop and hit a lower mood I barely move out of bed.


Hugs and hugs xoxo