Finally opening up

[Guest_0087]

finally took the plunge to beyond blue. Think this is my last attempt to try and get somewhere. I will try be brief so as not to make this hard for anyone.

Have struggled with depression for some time, and each time I tried to overcome it, it has just gotten worse and there seems to be no end in sight.

I lost my best friend to my depression. She no longer talks to me and we no longer interact. We used to talk every day for years, now, not even a hello.

My family have never understood my depression and never supported me with it. They keep making it about themselves and I have to some how find some sort of way to deal with it. I battle with my parents every day and it oftens ends in me crying.

All my social circles have moved on, and most found me too 'different' or slightly 'weird' so they no longer interact with me. In a sense, I have no friends. I do everything by myself and when I do interact with those people, they all treat me very differently. They don't know how to talk to me or say anything to me, and so I am often the odd the one out.

My work has been hell of late. In fact, about two years ago, I lost out on a job opportunity I spent years working for and had to move countries for. They didn't even have the decency to tell me I didn't get the post after all. But my current job started off well. Everything was good. It was starting to get me back some semblance of hope, but as with everything retail, the pressure tells, and now after receiving warnings and being told that I have the attitude of a child, I am basically working on auto pilot. I have no desire to go to work, and can't get a job that I really want, because after more than 5 years of trying and about 300 applications being rejected, you lose the will to apply.

And now to most recently. I just lost the girl. I loved her and I lost her. I try to get her out of my head and I just can't. It is hell.

I have no one, and nothing to keep me going. The virtual hugs only do so much, and I don't think they can keep me going. I am mentally and physically exhausted. Through all of these things, I can't sleep. I don't want to get out of bed in the morning. I have nothing that keeps me going. All the things I loved, I hate. I have no motivation to do anything. I find nothing of interest anymore. TV programmes i loved no longer excite me. No desire to watch movies or do anything. Like i said, I don't know where else to turn, but was told to give this a shot.

[Guest_0087]

I did call the company and spoke to them directly before applying for the role. I even spoke to other people who work there and could put a good word in for me.

It is quite socially exhausting. I am currently sitting in my room by myself whilst everyone is downstairs. I just can't deal with all that socialising and being around all those people. I think I just enjoy the little ones company more than the adults, but sometimes the little ones can be quite tiring to keep running after and chasing.

That is one of my fears. Not being able to find someone else. I am not the most 'suave' and easy talking people so don't really know how to talk to girls. Took me long enough to ask out my ex and tell her how I felt. Even with her though, sometimes I would just be too nervous to do what I was supposed to do. I missed soo many opportunities with her it hurts. Sometimes I don't think I will ever be able to move on. Feels like a very lonely world.

haha, isn't that why we love the games and the sports we do. They some how manage to keep us coming back for more and more, and we keep giving in.

[BballJ]

Hi zimbos05,

That is good you called the company, it doesn't always work obviously but it is always worth it to keep doing it. Hopefully it works out for you and you find one soon.

I understand what you are saying about not socialising, it can be difficult when you just don't feel up to it, the little ones can make us smile without even talking but and this is always a good thing. How did the rest of the day turn out for you?

I get the fear and most guys have it, it is never easy talking to girls so I do not discount how you are feeling at all. Just remember you did end up winning your ex over initially and I bet you probably at the time thought you never had a chance. We always have a chance.

My best,

Jay

[Guest_0087]

Hey mate

Hopefully something on the work front works out. Like my counsellor pointed out to me today, it could be because I am not being challenged enough and I need to work in a bit more of a challenging role, so maybe I just need to do that rather than looking to just quit.

It was ok. I didn't have the best of weekends. It was probably one of the worst in more recent times. I really did not cope with a lot of things too well and I just kind of kept falling in to a rut and worse state. The socialising was not the best. I really did not want to socialise with too many people, but getting to see my cousins twins today was a bonus. I really enjoy hanging out with them so try to keep that going.

I always tend to have it more though. Never know what to do with my hands and sometimes I say something really silly. My mind just works over time. I can barely keep eye contact. Anxiety is not at all fun when it is in overdrive. I do think about that sometimes, but then think that what if that was my shot and I won't get an opportunity like that again.

Hope your weekend was a lot better??

[BballJ]

Hi zimbos05,

I think that is 100% correct what your psychologist said, maybe you do just need a challenge in your role, is there a chance to ask for this at work?

That is ok, I think we all have those times when we do not want to talk or socialise with too many people, I think it is ok to have down time. What made your weekend one of the worst in recent times but?

The nerves I think will always be there, gosh I would still get those feelings if I was single, it is never easy but I think you should always try and keep in the back of your mind that you only get one chance to make a good first impression, that relates to business and personal relationships. The nerves are just in your mind but I do know when anxiety is spiking it can hard to think clear.

Weekend wasn't too bad, quite boring actually, didn't do much.

My best,

Jay

[Guest_0087]

I definitely need the challenge and I intend to try and find that. I think I need to start getting out of these ruts. Every time I seem to find some sort of momentum out of it, I fall back in to it. I know I am an emotional and somewhat dramatic person, but I do have a something I need to work on.

I just fell in to a bit of a social rut. Missing my ex, didnt want to be around people, seemed like people didnt want to be around me. I could not find anything stimulating to keep me going on the weekend, or find anything to do. I think my eczema is also resurfacing and my health issues kind of got a little bit worse. My mind also started going a bit in to overdrive depression and I wasn't having the best sleeps as I kept panicking and have nightmares.

When I get nervous, my eyes tend to water as well, and I can develop a bit of a sweat. It definitely was not this bad and it has definitely developed over time and gotten worse. I have been trying to address it for a long time, but I think it has now become a whole issue rather than just one thing. It's been years and years of leading to the point where I am, I wonder if I can ever get back to the type of person I was, or find myself happy and new, without the health issues or any problems. From being a highly regarded sportsman with all the potential and talent, to not even being to run a 100m without struggling. Being a smart creative and inventive kid in school to failing one year of uni and really struggling to graduate, and not having the creative mind I once had. That is a major wonder, and often a common answer is no.

Weekends where nothing happens always feel like a bit of a let down though. You always feel like you have missed out on a opportunity, well at least I do.

[BballJ]

Hi zimbos05,

I think the challenge will do you well. Momentum is a give and take sort of thing anyway so not unusual to take steps back after you have been moving forward. It's just the key is to remember you can move forward each time you take some steps back. Just because you went back doesn't mean you can't go forward again.

That's ok, I have those moments too, when my anxiety is spiking and just struggle to be around others when I am not in the greatest mindset. My weekends can be a little light on as I do not have many friends which can be tough.

I think you can always get back to the person you once were but at the same time, that person wasn't as strong as you are now so I don't think going back to that person is what you need, at the end of the day, that person got to this point and you do not want that again, you want to take everything good from it and implement it into your current life and combine it all and move forward as one. You're current situation is not your forever situation, you can always change for the better. Like I have said before, from when you first joined these forums to now, you have made a big step forward to being a stronger person.

My best,

Jay

[Guest_0087]

I had a constructive meeting with my Team Leader today. I seem to do well at my job, but am just struggling to turn in the right numbers, which is no good and is affecting me a fair bit. So hopefully if I can turn those numbers around, then I can get the Assistant Team Leader role that we were talking about today.

Don't worry. I don't have many friends too, if any. It was one of the things I tried to keep quiet on here because I did not want to seem so sad. I have people I would call friends, but i don't feel the same love from them and they also don't tend to treat me that way. A lot of them still treat me like I'm the same person I was so many years ago and they always make these stupid and silly jokes about me, then when I behave in a certain manner, they carry on like they don't understand what has caused it.

I like what you said there. The person I was got to this point, and I don't want to be at this point, so I have to be better version of that person. So well put too. I hope I can learn from people like you and develop those skills to be that better version. I guess when I say back to the person I was, I mean the person without sad and depressive thoughts. The creative thinker without the health issues, and with the sporting prowess.

[BballJ]

Hi zimbos05,

That sounds like a productive meeting with the team leader, I think letting them know about how you are going and what you can work on is a good thing as it gives you now something to aim for, focus on getting your numbers up and them hopefully it leads to a good team leader role.

Yeah I like to keep it quiet too but at the same time, it is the reality of my life and I think a few people struggle with friends and the end of the day it is a reality and it is what it is, I understand what you are saying, almost if you don't make the effort, it's hard to keep in contact with many of them.

Glad you related to my thoughts about being the person you were, I think what you said at the end is 100% relatable to what I said in my previous post, you just need to take all the positive good things about your past and combine them with the person you want to become. You can do it I have no doubt about that.

My best,

Jay

[Guest_0087]

Yeah, it was a good meeting. I plan on showing my worth by learning and taking note of things and taking some initiative. Other than that I really need to get my figures up, so I need to try and start hopefully getting some sales, and hopefully if all of that falls in to place, then I will be on the right track towards those leadership roles.

Not having friends can be quite defeating. We are a social species after all and to not have those people around you. It is quite disheartening that we have these flashy phones and so on and yet they do not even so much as buzz from a friend message for days. You get peoples numbers and so on and then it just never works.

I definitely related, and liked the way you put it. I feel I have to take small steps. I started yesterday by telling my ex that I was falling for her again and that I dont want to hurt her or anything, so I'm going to take a break for a bit and just not be in contact. It sucks already not being in contact with her, but if I can't be with her, then I need that bit of a break I think to hopefully try and start getting myself back.

Then need to start working on everything else again. Keep having run ins with my family. Had another one today, and this time no matter what I said to my brother, it just seemed like he was not listening. He was more listening to respond rather than to understand. The pain of having to sort of second break up with my ex to having the day I did. It is really hard not having anyone you can count on.

[BballJ]

Hi zimbos05,

I do hope you get the leadership role, I think it will do you a world of good.

This is where I think you need to cut all contact with your ex, you can never truly move on if you are still speaking to them. I know deep down you are hoping they will come around and want to be with you again, but they do say once you break up once it is hard to get back to where you were. You felt like taking space from her today was like a second break up, that should tell you that just speaking with her is not a good idea. I honestly don't think you can get to the happiness and the level you need to be at as a person if you still speak with them. I am sorry if I am coming across as harsh, it isn't my intention but trying to be real with you about your situation and just what I think. It seems you made the most progress when you went overseas right? I think that was because your mind was elsewhere and not focused on her.

Sorry about the run in again with your family, I think they are inevitable when you live with them, they do ease up when you move out however.

My best,

Jay