feeling so lonely and isolated

[hope4joy]

hi everyone, I feel kinda guilty posting here because I haven't been active on the forums for a month or two. I guess I just need to vent and reach out a bit as I can't seem to stop crying today. i guess the main thing is i feel overwhelming loneliness. its horrible because my life outwardly is going so well, in terms of doing things and studying in an area that i love. but it seems my loneliness is something that always comes and haunts me, or plagues me or is just my reality in life. i'm okay with being alone and spending time by myself. but i struggle to maintain many close friendships. its like i'm getting worse at it the older i get. and i seriously have so few people in my life that matter and hardly anyone i can ring up and ask to catch up with. and it seems i al always the one initiating contact with others, no one really makes an effort to spend time with me. i keep having something go round and round in my head, something that a friend said to me that at a certain point in her life she realised she didn't like who she was and she decided she had to change. in many ways i think i'm a caring, funny and sensitive friend, i'm good at encouraging people and being kind. but i suck at meeting my own needs and i think i often don't really share my mind or heart, i sort of withdraw. and when i'm stressed or sad or whatever then i pull back further - when this is when i most need support. sometimes i can feel really awkward in group social situations at night, and feel so out of place, and not know how to make small talk. i'm just so tired and distraught at not having a full loving life. am i a horrible person? what can't i seem to hold on to friendships? i was thinking to ask my one close friend for her honest feedback on why i suck at friendship cause sometimes it is much more obvious to other people, but i don't want to freak her out or put strain on our friendship. so yeah. i guess just many many tears of alone-ness. and the sad thing is i don't know how to solve it. maybe i am just a horrible person who is destined to be perpetually alone? and it is horrible that this was the trauma of my childhood - from about age 7 to 12 or so i lived in a home with an alcoholic dad and older sister and spent so much time in nature climbing trees and swimming - on my own. maybe i never learnt how to properly be around people and its gonna hinder me forever? sorry to be so self absorbed right now 😞 thanks for reading

[hope4joy]

Hi Qld Mouse,

It is so lovely to pop in here and find your reply, and threefold at that! Its like getting an old fashioned letter in the post! There is a party happening downstairs so I'm not sure i'll get to sleep tonight, but at least the music is nice! So its a good opportunity to sit and write. I've got all sorts of thoughts going through my mind so I might just offer a scrambled sort of reply.

Firstly I'm sorry to hear about the abuse from your mum, and how much it has affected you. I think being hurt by one's mum is one of the worst things that can happen to someone, as the mother is meant to be a protector and guide and full of unconditional love. And that you are only unpacking this now, well that doesn't sound crazy at all. We humans are so adaptive and normalise un-normal things ever so quickly - be it a physical injury, or emotional or psychological. And when kids, we put incorrect meaning on us being flawed or bad or wrong in someway that has caused our caregiver to act that way. Yeah its very messed up business. I have a similar fear of people to you, predominantly women. I think mine was mostly from being bullied by my sister and friends at school. Its coincides perfectly that when my home life went chaotic thats when the bullying started - its like people can detect weakness and they exploit that - an unsavoury part of human nature to attack the weak. But I guess this is pretty heavy going. I appreciate you sharing and I'm glad you've found such a helpful psychologist. It is weird though, I know that you've lived more years than me, but I also feel like the last few years have really accelerated my depression and anxiety - and it has driven me to seek help. I do often think about how one moves forward. I think some things need to be discussed and processed, some new skills and ways of thinking need to be learnt. I also feel that I am responsible in some way to have a positive outlook with lots of gratitude - to try to create a better day every day. I wish I could just process everything and go back to clean slate so to speak and be done with mental illness but unfortunately it doesn't seem that clear cut. I guess it reminds me of the saying "accept the things i cannot change, courage to change the things i can and the wisdom to know the difference". It is confusing to know what basket to put some things as times. and when to 'fake it till you make it'. Ahh anyways, enough on that!

[hope4joy]

Its really nice to hear how you describe management/leadership and providing opportunity and guidance for younger staff to flourish - and your daughter too by the sounds of it. Being a mentor is a special place - to empower people - helping them find their own strengths. Good on you Qld Mouse.

Oh yeah the flower of my profile pic is an everlasting daisy. They're one of my favourite flowers and when I see them growing wild near the side of the road (or other flowers) I'm inclined to stop and pick a small bunch to hang from my rear view mirror. They last a good few years. And I guess to me that image is sort of bursting with joy and possibility.

And speaking of Americans often seeing their wildlife as pests, I was browsing meetup groups in San Jose earlier tonight and there were a few shooting clubs on there! Did many of your colleagues/ friends over there own guns? Or maybe that is something one doesn't really talk about. I do find the gun culture a bit scary - I got emailed about a shooting near my uni the other day, just as a warning to stay away from a particular area. I don't want to go in with stereotypes but I don't want to be naive either. And it sounds like the bay area has a lot of great people too.

Woodpeckers, I'd never thought of them - WOW. I'll definitely look out for them. And great story about one pecking away at a street lamp and actually making progress, now that is hard core pecking!

I hope you can find some things Qld Mouse that will bring you joy now. Its great to have rich memories of experience. It sounds like your therapy might help you uncover and direct you to things that will bring more fulfilment to the current time. Have you any ideas of a hobby you might be curious to start? Like pigeon racing? Or geocaching? Or teaching English to new migrants. Or,,,,,? It seems like there'd be a lot of things you be good at.

You hit your mark in describing the immigration staff as 'people'. Too right, bring it back down to basics and yeah, it isn't so intimidating. I can easily be polite and respectful, and will make sure I don't try to crack any jokes! Yeah I guess we're all just people hey. All just trying to do our best. Its good chatting Qld Mouse.

My pool re-opens tomorrow so I'm looking forward to a swim, and I'm meeting a friend from uni to go to an art talk. Have you got any nice things happening over the coming days?

Kind wishes,

Christina 🙂

[QldMouse]

Hi Christina,

Lovely to hear from you again, yes it is like getting letters from friends. I used to write my grandmother, she was the one person in my life that was always there for me and was an amazing women. A fiery red head until in her 80's she went grey in hair but not in heart. As a young girl she rode motorbikes at a time when it was frowned on for women to drive cars. Anyway, I used to slave over getting a few pages written to her, into the post and then bang. A couple of days latter there was a dozen pages that took hours to read. Then I'd slave away getting a few more pages together, into the post, bang another novel from grandma ... She was amazing. I so miss her.

I can relate to your bulling, yes me too and I had the mean sister. You are so right, it is like a group of bullies can sense someone vulnerable and take advantage of that. But those years are behind us now, those people can not hurt us anymore. I know my sister has not had a great life even though we don't communicate. I still believe in karma.

That is interesting your comments about cleaning the slate, it is similar to a discussion I've had with my therapist. I am very pleased that your on your path at a young age, the long you hold onto things the worse it is to carry. It makes me happy knowing that your this smart at your age, I wish I had been. I can't get your oportunity out of my head, did I mention how great a time I know you'll have.

Ah yes the gun culture, it is hard to understand for us but is so deeply ingrained in US society. And it does very by state, even down to the right to carry concealed weapons. CA is a mild state but places like Texas of course, Arizona and New Mexico, the confederate states, New Hampshire, etc its common for people to carry their guns. You may wind up in a restaurant where they ask people to check their guns, and people calmly hand over their firearms ... little old ladies pull their pistol from their handbags, and swap them for a claim check like we do for coats at swanky restaurants. First time I saw that I was planning my run for safety in my head.

[QldMouse]

My bad I'm hitting the double posing thing again, tisk, tisk.

You must try shooting at a gun range for the lesson in empowerment, don't knock it until you try it. I went shooting with some friends once, and one of the group in the party was a pair of newlyweds. The tiny
bride pulled out her gun and put five rounds into the bulls eye of the target. The proud groom turned to us and happily proclaimed "And that guys is why there will be no infidelity in this here marriage" ... words fail you. That is the culture.

We went back there later, and the owner of the range had gotten in targets with Kangaroo's on in my honor. What nice people!! Let me tell you Skippy had a real bad day. Sorry Skip.

Or those stories where police are in a gun fight with bad guys and run out of ammunition, passers by proudly offer the police their ammo and guns to finish the job ... It cracks me up.

In the movie "the Sentinel" with Kiefer Sutherland, Michael Douglas and Eva Longoria played secret service agents. Michael and Kiefer in an interview related the story from the day they went to the real secret service for gun training. They were doing the macho thing while Eva waited quietly for her turn. They both turned in disappointing scores, then Eva tottered up on her delicate heels, took the stance and shot a perfect score. She grew up in Texas with big brothers, she has been shooting all her life.

You just can't judge people on appearance, you will always do yourself an injustice that way. Everyone has a story you can't see.

While making light of the gun culture, it is very real. But not that different to being in an unsafe place anywhere. It sounds like you are a very smart, very aware, very traveled young women and I expect there were places at Uni or around the city you felt unsafe. Trust your gut and your instincts.

Oh, just be prepared immigration people carry guys too, in fact most people at airports carry guns. Probably the cleaners and the florists ... kidding, or maybe not!

All said in done, they are all people and no doubt they all have their stories too.

Good to hear your going to christen the new pool and be an art critic!!

I've got to get over the man flu I've had the last week or so, then maybe look outward again.

All the best.

[hope4joy]

Hi Qld Mouse, and to others popping in here

I think the forum has swallowed our last couple of posts Qld Mouse!! I distinctly remember you reassuring me about immigration and that they are just people and nothing to fear, just be polite, friendly and helpful. I got an email from the forums saying that they couldn't upload my post because it was too long - so maybe that somehow re-set things. So I'm not sure where we were up to, but here is as good as any place to start again.

What day is your first session back with your psychologist, if its okay to ask? I'm thinking you're very much looking forward to counting down the day? I've been in that situation many a time and a week, let alone a month can seem excruciatingly long. In a way though it was good that she was away for so long because it meant that we got to meet you and you now have a place here on the forums to reach out and connect and chat. Its interesting how uncomfortable and 'negative' situations can bring a lot of good. Last week I got a shock with one of my grades with it being much below what I'd hoped for. I was devastated and cried but then decided to seek clarification from the tutor about why i'd gotten that grade, in terms of what i could do better next time. In return I got a very long encouraging email pointing out my strengths as things I might want to try to develop! It made a lot of sense and is something I can refer back to - so a big positive came out of it! I'll get my overall grades this Friday I think.

I think i'm finally through the worst of it Qld Mouse - with this episode of depression. I woke up happy yesterday, and then had some triggers during the day but ended up happy to fall asleep. It is like I've found solid ground again. A big fear for me in going away was that I would miss out and be forgotten and be left behind by my cohort. This morning I wrote a list of all the things I'll do to reconnect when I'm back - and aside from getting a cat/dog which I'm not sure about, all the others are realistic and something I'll be able to do. I also updated my website last night (first time this year!) and suddenly saw value in a lot of the works I've made this year - when before I thought they were all hopeless. So it is great to now see things more objectively and more positively. I think its a combined effect of my anti depressants working but also from me continuing to do things that matter to me an sticking with my course. I nearly dropped out Qld Mouse...

[hope4joy]

But my psychologist she supported me and encouraged me to drop one subject and not the whole course. So knowing I've achieved that, plus with anti depressant chemicals in my brain, plus knowing I haven't done anything to sabotage my life/ nothing to regret, means I can more easily get to a better place emotionally. It scares me terribly to write it, that I am feeling happy, and I am so afraid of being back in that dark place. But I also want to share the good and I think that's important too. Ah shucks I'm rambling Qld Mouse. I'm now thinking of that woodpecker you told me about, on the lamp post! Where is your mood at today Qld Mouse, how are you travelling?

Kind wishes,

Christina

[hope4joy]

Also Neil, I'm not sure if you're still dropping into this thread? How are you going? And the gorgeous dogs?

Kind wishes, Christina

[QldMouse]

Hi Christina,

I'm confused as well, I also got the email to say my posts had been pulled, and I looked and they were gone and I edited them down and now they are back. I think the lessons are;

1. The mods are very kind (thank you) and give you leeway but don't push the envelope, share the space,
2. Remember the rules, keep to the point, and don't be so wordy (yes speaking to myself mainly here)

You do have to have some less than perfect grades to make the great one's shine you know. You can't do everything perfectly, it is just not possible. Sounds like you've given it a good try though!!

Reading the above, it strikes me that you sound excited. I'm excited just reading it!! So happy for you!!

I'm still battling man-flu so a bit sorry for myself. Spent most of the last 48 hours in bed but feel better for it.

Have got a very busy week with head and body medicals, so short on time sorry. Everything is Thursday/Friday appointment wise. Yes, bit nervous.

Enjoy the week and having the pool back. (1469 characters left!!)

[hope4joy]

Hi Qld Mouse,

sorry to hear you've been sick. Me too, I just got over my cough when I caught it back again! I've had a strange husky voice for a week now... hopefully it comes back soon! Each day its getting a little better. I seem easily prone to getting voice infections and loosing it, at least one time per year and it makes me wonder if my throat chakra needs strengthening, i think that chakra is all about express oneself truthfully from the heart. and yes, I could do with more of that in my life! I guess thats why i like the forums so much, as here I feel safe enough to be myself, with little moderation, although at times thinking a bit about how i say things to try to not to upset people.

Time is suddenly flying Qld Mouse! I'm meeting a uni lecturer today to get my overseas subjects all sorted, and I think that work is throwing me a surprise party this Friday which is ever so sweet.They want me to start early with no reason given. My mum is arriving on Sunday to stay for two weeks for both leisure and to help me in finalising things. And it is three weeks today! Well I fly out on Wed the 27th, so a think that means three weeks and one day or something. But yes, I am feeling excited! My mental health has improved just in the nick of time, and I've had lots of support on here and from my psychologist about my fears. And I know trust that I will come back to the people and things I'm leaving here. I've decided to commit for one semester and leave it open for the second. So yeah, its all falling into place Qld Mouse. I've still got issues to work on - namely learning how to build up more close friendships and ideally a happy healthy relationship too, and somehow I think the US will help with that. Being away gives so much perspective and will show me the way forward. I hope to make lots of great friends over there. Yeah, its exciting. Thanks for being excited for me! Its nice that my trip might help you remember your good times overseas.

As to word count, I'm not much for rules, I think that however many words it takes is what it takes - be it very short or a novella! People are welcome to skim read. Sometimes there is so much power in just getting it all out on paper (computer screen, you know what I mean!).

Wow so Thurs and Fri are big days for you. Do you write a list of dot points you need to cover? Or just go free-style and cover what you miss in the next appointment?

Loads of kindness,

Christina 🙂

[QldMouse]

Hi Christina,

Your posts make me smile, thank you. I really need a good smile.

Being sick does suck doesn't it, glad to hear your over yours, I'm now mostly over mine and resurfacing.

A surprise party (clearly not a surprise!!!) but that is fantastic, they must think highly of you that is such a nice thing to do. I hope you are pleasantly surprised, and have a great time. Wonderful to hear your mum will spend the next few weeks with you. It does sound like everything is falling into place and that is just awesome.

I agree, there is nothing like a bit of distance to aid perspective. Issues can't get to you if they can't swim the Pacific and it is a very big ditch to cross. Just think, there is a whole continent of people to meet for the first time and make a great first impression on each other. 🙂

Ah rule huh, I'll bet you walk on the grass as well you progressive thinker you ... who knows where that will take you. Hint: read Sir Richard Branson's biography "Screw it, just do it". I suspect you with find a few things to relate to and laugh at.

Yes tomorrow I have my next session. Stomach is cramping, head spinning, heart rate on the climb. I hope my therapist had a really good break because I have my notes and verbal tsunami in preparation. I have to write stuff down ahead of time, even then I go off the rails and forget to cover stuff I really wanted to cover. And lets not forget the good old "how do you feel about that" question, a sure way to dive down a rat hole and say hello to Alice and the mad hatter. Or was I the mad hatter? Hmmmm. An hour is so not enough at times, and she is very kind and lets me run on too many times.

Stay well and wonderful Christina, my thoughts are with you ... and the squirrels and woodpeckers!!