feeling so lonely and isolated

[hope4joy]

hi everyone, I feel kinda guilty posting here because I haven't been active on the forums for a month or two. I guess I just need to vent and reach out a bit as I can't seem to stop crying today. i guess the main thing is i feel overwhelming loneliness. its horrible because my life outwardly is going so well, in terms of doing things and studying in an area that i love. but it seems my loneliness is something that always comes and haunts me, or plagues me or is just my reality in life. i'm okay with being alone and spending time by myself. but i struggle to maintain many close friendships. its like i'm getting worse at it the older i get. and i seriously have so few people in my life that matter and hardly anyone i can ring up and ask to catch up with. and it seems i al always the one initiating contact with others, no one really makes an effort to spend time with me. i keep having something go round and round in my head, something that a friend said to me that at a certain point in her life she realised she didn't like who she was and she decided she had to change. in many ways i think i'm a caring, funny and sensitive friend, i'm good at encouraging people and being kind. but i suck at meeting my own needs and i think i often don't really share my mind or heart, i sort of withdraw. and when i'm stressed or sad or whatever then i pull back further - when this is when i most need support. sometimes i can feel really awkward in group social situations at night, and feel so out of place, and not know how to make small talk. i'm just so tired and distraught at not having a full loving life. am i a horrible person? what can't i seem to hold on to friendships? i was thinking to ask my one close friend for her honest feedback on why i suck at friendship cause sometimes it is much more obvious to other people, but i don't want to freak her out or put strain on our friendship. so yeah. i guess just many many tears of alone-ness. and the sad thing is i don't know how to solve it. maybe i am just a horrible person who is destined to be perpetually alone? and it is horrible that this was the trauma of my childhood - from about age 7 to 12 or so i lived in a home with an alcoholic dad and older sister and spent so much time in nature climbing trees and swimming - on my own. maybe i never learnt how to properly be around people and its gonna hinder me forever? sorry to be so self absorbed right now 😞 thanks for reading

[Neil_1]

Hi there hope4joy,

Welcome back to Beyond Blue, thank you for posting and what a lovely positive name you’ve given yourself.

Things are going very tough for you and from what I can read, it seems like you’re trying to largely battle all of this on your own.

I can’t quite read anywhere where you’ve been to a GP or to any counselling; perhaps medications to assist you? These are usually the first ports of call – well, perhaps after coming here.

But when we suffer from these kinds of issues, you are not on your own with the struggle to maintain close friendships – it is very difficult to do so, however, I do like your idea of chatting to a close friend; someone who you trust and feel safe with.

When we’re young and we suffer trauma and other awful situations, it is true that they can very much come back to haunt us as we get older; or that they were always there, but only when we’re older that we’re able to recognise it.

I’m wondering whether you work at all?

Do you have close family?

You mentioned about being a horrible person – that is what these issues WANT us to believe, but it simply not the case. You are not a horrible person, you’re just someone who has these mongrel symptoms, that none of us want, and as such you fight day in, day out to try to suppress these feelings. This is where I believe that we need additional help to try and work through these negatives so we can include and get some positives into our life.

Would love to hear back from you.

Neil

[hope4joy]

Hi Neil,

thank you so much for your caring reply, it brought me to tears to know that somebody cares.

im not really sure what else to write here. I do have a psychologist I'm seeing weekly and a GP although I don't chat to her much about mental health. I've found uni really disappointing and stressful this year which has impacted my mental health considerably. I'm at this horrible point where I can't do a major essay because my cognition is so bad, I'm constantly crying and in my emotional brain.

You asked about medication - I've tried it in the past with limited success but have an appointment next mon to see what my psychiatrist suggests. Often the side effects outweigh the small benefit for me. At times like this though I wonder if I am better on mess. It's awfully confusing. The last one that worked made my hair fall out amongst other things.

so yeah sorry to be so glum. I'll just re read your reply and see if I missed something. The way you writes make me think you know too well the battles with mental health/illness Neil?

I do work but just casually, I love my job actually, I'm a support worker. And I study full time. As to family no I don't have anyone in my city.

i guess it's just scary Neil when you feel yourself on a slippery slide downhill and not able to prevent it. I even swore at a friend the other day which I've not done before, shows what stress can do.

anyway enough from me, thanks for your support. How are you tracking?

[Neil_1]

Hi Hope4Joy,

And keep hoping and keep fighting – there will be joy and light – cause it isn’t always darkness that surrounds us. Though we fight and struggle there are times when sunshine does appear – ok, it might not be for very long, but for those times that it does, for me, it makes all my fights efforts, all worthwhile. I guess that’s a little snippet from me, which I know you asked a little; and that’s really awesome of you to do so – it tells me what a wonderful person you are; to be dealing with your own troubles, but still be lovely enough to find out how someone else is doing.

With regard to writing – and being here, you are free and able to write whatever you want. Hmmm, maybe if I asked more direct questions, that could help – so you’d have actual things to answer. :)

I really feel for you with regard to your Uni and essays that you are to do. I stopped school at end of Year 12; but then went to TAFE for a year to study secretarial studies; but nothing as major or as intense as Uni – I’m just not made that way to be able to do something like that.

Do you feel that you’re in this constant dark pit or are there times (say, in a day or even are there days in a week) where you feel that little beam of sunshine come through and you feel a bit uplifted? If yes, are you able to capture those times and perhaps dedicate them to some effort on your Uni project?

Oh boy, that was an unfortunate side-effect from your last medication. The thing is, there are so many medication options out there, so I really hope that your psychiatrist is able to prescribe another kind – and for them to let you know what the possible key side-effects might be. With some, there aren’t many at all – but it really does depend on the individual.

I found that I had to keep trying till I found some that gelled with me. The thing is with meds is that they are only one part of the mechanism to help combat the symptoms we experience. We need to have other things in place, just as you have with professional help. But also to reach out and search for things that you enjoy – hobbies, sport, physical activities, eating properly, drinking loads of water.

Hope to hear back from you.

Neil

[hope4joy]

Hi Neil,

Thanks for your reply, its really nice to be able to pop back in and write and say hello. I've thrown myself into work these last few days. I work casually and normally just do two shifts a week but I need to save at the moment and decided to say yes to whatever came my way, which made for working about 15 hours over the weekend, which is huge for me. I know it is distracting - to avoid uni and my feelings - but I feel I needed it and it was a good call this time around. Plus logistically its nice to now have some money coming in. I work with children and I really like the companionship and silliness... i do a lot of impromtu singing and dancing... which is good for my spirit. For some reason around adults i'm all stiff and tense and anxious, but around kids i can relax, be myself and have a little fun. its still tough feeling tired, but there are plenty of nice moments too, and some outrageously funny ones too... mostly through the dancing!

but yeah, its sounds like you're a real optimist Neil. that is quite something, a precious attribute to have. Has mental health / illness/ been part of your life for a long time?

i was on my morning walk the other day (i've re-started and they are helping my mood... i have a knee injury so had to stop for a good few weeks) and i was thinking what it would be like to live a life without mental illness. It brings tears to my eyes just typing it. To think how amazing me and life could be without this constant struggle, constant burden. Sure there are good times but they are also framed on either side by tougher times. And i know that everyone has their difficulties in life. I just hate that all i can do it to "survive" life so often... not flourish or go forward... just get by. I have BPD too which means I am super sensitive in all my relationships and disassociate really easily under stress, esp if i'm depressed. But sorry this is all starting to sound very negative.

Yeah I think you're right that it is important to cultivate hobbies and positive activities alongside the medical-care side of things... because they are what bring joy into life.

Hmm, i'd like to hear more from you but am not sure what to ask. Maybe one thing to ask is if you have any hobbies or things that more often than not bring little flecks or big pools of joy into your life Neil?

I might stop here for now,

Kind wishes.

[Neil_1]

Hi H4J,

Thanx for your latest response and it was pleasing to read about your work with children and how impromptu activities with them can and does take place. I think you find it so easy in front of children, is that it might be that they haven’t developed that judgemental side yet? Whereas with adults, we (or perhaps not the global we, but let’s say, a lot of us) are concerned with what others might think of us, if we do something a bit spontaneous which is not something that is normally done. I hope that makes sense.

Whereas if you do something “out there” and silly in front of children, more often than not, you’ll probably receive laughter from that.

Hmmm, an optimist? I can’t say I’ve ever had that term used towards me before – most terms are usually unprintable! 😉 ;)

Yes, I’ve had my illness for a long long time and have suffered from PTSD for about 25 years and I believe it’s as strong and nasty now as it ever has been – despite years and years of counselling, self-help arrangements; so I just manage it as best I can each day, and have my meds that I take each day and night as well.

Getting out and about is awesome and it really can have such a positive effect – on our mood, on our inner feelings and wellness, and not to mention that the more one does it, the more easily you’ll be able to do it and perhaps even extend to longer walks, etc.

My children mean the world to me (18yo son and 15yo daughter), so having them close by is a great help for me. Even, just knowing that they’re close by, without even having one-on-one communication – just knowing they’re happy and safe in our home and doing whatever it is they enjoy, is great.

I also attend my gym 6 days a week; keeping fit is crucial for me; and lifting weights is also a fantastic release for me.

Music also is a good escape for me – well, not an escape but different tunes is good to occupy the mind.

I love almost all sports, so that is another biggie for me – a bit old to play anymore, but love the following etc.

Neil

[hope4joy]

Hi Neil,

I think you're right, kids and some teenagers don't have that judgemental side yet... and I can feel so free and safe in their company... free to be myself. I hope I can bring that more and more into my life with everyone... my psych reckons its possible at least! Its certainly a long road recovering lost parts of ourselves from childhood trauma/ early experiences. And yes, kids just laugh so easily! That is very rewarding and enjoyable for putting on silly antics! Its really lovely to hear that you have children - a son and daughter - and that they mean so much to you. I know what you mean about the companionship just from someone being nearby but not needing to talk or interact necessarily, but just having their company. I guess thats another reason i've thrown myself into work, so i need not be alone. But i just had to cancel my plans and work for today as I've landed the flu. And I know if I rest early on I can often reduce the duration. I hate the way my mood drops when I'm sick and I can get sad that I need to take care of myself (no one else is here to do that) but i'm just reminding myself that this is why my mood is a little lower, so not to buy into it. I find that can help a lot at times. There's not always a reason for mood, but it helps me when i can put it down to something and not react or freak out so much.

Well yeah I think the way you talk about your experience with mental health is very positive, well that is how its come across to me! And I don't mean your experience necessarily, more your attitude. It seems like you help so many people on here which is a wonderful thing.

You mention that you go to the gym a lot. My equivalent is morning walks and yoga. I've noticed that because I've been busy at uni and with a knee injury i stopped going to yoga much and it really impacts my mood. The high intensity exercise (I do a very dynamic yoga) seems to help me in check by burning off excess unwanted emotions! I wonder if its also why i've gotten sick - as i find yoga increases my immunity. So i'll be back into it as soon as i'm over this cold... for now its resting in bed mostly for a day or two.

What sort of music do you like Neil? I listen to a fair bit - from pop ballads to folk to calming instrumental mostly. I like songs with empowering positive sort of messages... I limit how much sad music I listen to cause it really impacts my mood.

How has your week been? Hope to chat again soon 🙂

[Neil_1]

Dear H4J,

Thank you for your latest response and wow, thank you so much for your kind words, re: my attitude to mental health, etc; that really meant heaps to me.

I’m sorry to hear that you’ve picked up the flu – that’s never a good thing and as you rightly say, it not only can bring you down, it does do that as well. When we’re not feeling all that flash when we’re well, then to score an illness on top of that, that just plummets us way further down. It makes everything feel so much worse, and yes, as you said, your whole mood drops.

I hope you’re able to knock it on the head before it becomes too full on for you. Rest if you’re able to is a great thing and loads and loads of water. Trying to flush all the gremlins out of the body. Vitamin C and if you don’t mind, garlic is another good thing. Anyway, that’s enough from Dr Neil for the moment.

That’s awesome about the yoga and the walking – two very healthy things not only for the body, but as you’d be aware, the mind as well. Healthy body, can really mean or help to promote a healthy mind.

My music is fairly varied, I think, but if you ask my kids they’d say not. They’re really into metal, my son especially, big time; which I just can’t get; the growling of supposed lyrics is way too much for me. The heaviest I like to listen to is “Disturbed” and I do really like them. But I really enjoy the 80’s, 90’s and 00’s.

Hmmm, good question about how my week has been – I guess that depends on when the week starts? So being cheeky, I’ll say the week starts as of Monday, and so I’ll say my week so far has been going not too badly. How ‘bout yours?

Neil

[hope4joy]

Hi Neil,

I'm listening to 'the sound of silence' by disturbed as i type this, I always like to hear new things... although i have heard this before. beautiful vocals. and yes i agree, heavy metal is about the only music genre i can't get into... it just doesn't make sense to me! and sometimes i find jazz a bit hard too, although sometimes i can get it.

Thanks I've done all i can to rid the cold and it is getting better, just a little cough and runny nose left. Going to yoga a few days was hard but really helped clear out my lungs. I have been eating loads of garlic, lime juice, salt-gargles and eucalyptus inhalations... whatever i can think of.

i worked 11 hours today - no break - so feel pretty tired. my mood is also pretty low... just loneliness i guess. i'm putting almost all my energy into uni - i just need to get through the rest of this uni semester. one more big assessment then i'm done. i've started new anti depressants a few days ago, so hopefully it works.

i'm not really sure what to write, to be honest i'm just so flat. i find it hard to accept that this depression will be with me for a long time more, i hate it. sorry to be so bleak.

i hope your weekend is going well,

Christina

[white knight]

Hi Christina. It has been a while

Your kindness and openness is your asset. Uniqueness your gain. From memory you have BPD. By chance my younger cousin has it to.

She is often on Facebook and is almost screaming out for understanding. So I replied to her today. I said...

To get others around you to understand you they have to be very kind, very much a listener and very perceptive. It is rare. So in my case with mental issues I am slowly surrounding myself more with others that have similar issues or possess a unique quality or understanding which includes some patience.

In return they would get my efforts. This means that my everyday knock about bloke I'd being slowly squeezed from my life. Why,? Because such friendships in my experience rarely work. Why won't they?

Because "birds of a feather flick together". In your case having a girlfriend that needs you at times when low means she will try to be around when you need her. I say try because sometimes we are to unwell to return the favour. So we need to be understanding.

Talking about music...my wife and I are in our van in Carnarvon WA while it'd raining. We are searching YouTube. Our fav ones are

Elvis I'll remember you

Elvis unchained melody

Gerry and the pacemaker's ferry cross the Mersey

Leon Burger Sarah

Hope you like them.

Your depression. We had car trouble in NT. Our friends left us ..no abandoned us when we hsf car troubles. I had depression for 10 days about it. We are no longer friends.

Its hard. We feel so low that we have no projection that we will be better soon. So have some faith it will come good.

As for your ad's. I lost my answer to your other thread. After many attempts I found one that worked. It also had the least side effects. So your psych might say something, sometimes we need to let it fly over our heads.

Have faith. You are a wonderful kind person. There aren't many better.

Tony WK