unsure what to do

[Wednesday]

Hello,

When do you know a relationship is over?

[JessF]

Hello Wednesday, it's difficult to know how to respond to your post without more information. Going from your title, it sounds like you are wondering whether you should leave the relationship you are in. Is that right?

[Starwolf]

Hi Wednesday,

A simple answer to a simple question ? When you can't carry on any longer without further damage being done and there is no hope for change.

Are you at the end of your tether ? Please feel free to vent/share your feelings if you wish. These forums are a safe place to do so.

[Wednesday]

Hello JessF and Starwolf,

Thank you for getting back to me. I don't know where to start. I am tired of trying to make things work. He is a nice man but after a long time I haven't been able to get a good relationship with his adult children and it causes us ongoing problems. Tonight he is going to his daughter and her family for dinner but I am not invited. He is extremely anxious and I have major depressive illness, not a great combination.

I also have chronic illnesses and he is about to retire. Our focusses our different I need to find a way to survive or give up and he wants to travel. My illness and medications stop me travelling and to be honest it's not a lot of fun either. I spend most of my day resting and often can't move easily, so walking any distance is difficult. We seem to be on different paths.

I feel like I'm imploding. That I am a rotten person, it's hard to find myself in all of this. I don't recognise myself anymore. I am more and more isolated. I stopped inviting people over because he is not comfortable. Needless to say I am not making new friends and with everything it's too hard for old friends, most of which live interstate.

[Wednesday]

PS. Yes I am wondering if I should leave the relationship.

[JessF]

What a sad situation, Wednesday, I'm so sorry you're feeling like this.

Well, my take is, relationships when they're working are supposed to enrich your life, not shrink it, and it sounds from your post as if that has been happening. You have been compromising your own life to make this relationship work, and it's resulted in you losing ties with other supports and friends in your life. I see myself in this situation, I have been in relationships like this too. You want to make it work, so you put your time, love and energy into it, but then when things start to go wrong, you find yourself adrift.

I think the positive thing is that you know what has gone wrong, and you can see that you want different things out of life.Have you had this conversation with him at all? Getting everything out on the table should help clarify things one way or the other.

[Wednesday]

I try to talk, but he says that we should just value the good times and focus on us.

I find the family stuff incredibly hurtful and can't seem to rise above feeling rejected. He says he makes lots of compromises, he probably does, but I find them hard to see.

He says that I am not reasonable and I don't understand. When I try to understand and ask questions he closes down and doesn't want to talk about our problems. He also tells me how I am feeling. For example you don't like travelling. I do like to travel, but can't and find it incredible frustrating. I'm trying to keep out of hospitals apart from my regular treatments. I had my children young and this was meant to be my time to do what I wanted, but I physically I can't.

His anxiety seems to rule our life. We spend a lot of time talking about things that create anxiety in him. As with anxiety a lot of these things are quite small but trouble him greatly. I don't want to be his mother.

[Starwolf]

Thanks for the feedback.

It seems that efforts to improve the relationship are one-sided. If it is the case, things are unlikely to change. Have you thought of both of you attending a counseling session ? Sometimes, when face to face communication is too daunting, putting your feelings into a letter can work out better. It can be carefully thought about, edited , read at leisure and read again. No emotional blurting out to be regretted later. Writing also helps clarify thoughts to ourselves.

I agree that staying together is difficult if you're both on a different path. Depression and anxiety on both sides don't make it any easier.

You are not a rotten person, just someone unhappy, with a lot to cope with and an important question on your mind. Only you can make such a momentous decision. Your well being is important, you deserve peace of mind and quality of life. Nothing wrong with wanting this for yourself.

I suggest you navigate these forums and check the relationship section. Many of us are unfortunately caught up in similar situations and uncertainty. Comparing personal thoughts and ideas with other people's can be informative and inspiring.

Welcome on board.

[JessF]

Not being heard is difficult, and it sounds like you feel very drained rather than fulfilled by your time together at the moment. I can understand how the family situation makes you feel rejected as well, it's hard not to take things like that personally. How do you think he feels about your future? When he says, 'focus on us', what do you think that means?

[Wednesday]

I think he wants everything. He would be happy continuing this way.

He doesn't cope well if things are not perfect. If we go out and something goes wrong, this can be as simple as not getting a parking spot where he wants to park, it will spoil the day and we have to go home, everything gets cancelled.

By focus on us he seems to mean we won't talk about his family or any issues (other than those he wants to discuss i.e. a work issue). He'll see them when he wants to and get sad if he doesn't see them, which he blames me for. Above all we're not to discuss anything that makes him uncomfortable. He likes the support I give him. Whatever he is doing must take priority at all times. If he ask for help with something I am to drop whatever I am doing and come to his aid.

He worries about his health, though he is fit and healthy, any pain must be cancer. My job is to give him rationale response to his anxieties.

We did try counselling. I had an interesting childhood and have worked really hard to manage its impact, unfortunately rejection is one of my hot buttons. Anyway in the counselling session (in my opinion) he sounded articulate and well educated and I sounded like I was avoiding the effects of my past. I wasn't I was just trying to talk about the reason we were there and conscious of the cost. I get my past hence the depression from an early age. I know and am honest about my hot buttons.I've come such a long way from that little girl.