feeling so lonely and isolated

[hope4joy]

hi everyone, I feel kinda guilty posting here because I haven't been active on the forums for a month or two. I guess I just need to vent and reach out a bit as I can't seem to stop crying today. i guess the main thing is i feel overwhelming loneliness. its horrible because my life outwardly is going so well, in terms of doing things and studying in an area that i love. but it seems my loneliness is something that always comes and haunts me, or plagues me or is just my reality in life. i'm okay with being alone and spending time by myself. but i struggle to maintain many close friendships. its like i'm getting worse at it the older i get. and i seriously have so few people in my life that matter and hardly anyone i can ring up and ask to catch up with. and it seems i al always the one initiating contact with others, no one really makes an effort to spend time with me. i keep having something go round and round in my head, something that a friend said to me that at a certain point in her life she realised she didn't like who she was and she decided she had to change. in many ways i think i'm a caring, funny and sensitive friend, i'm good at encouraging people and being kind. but i suck at meeting my own needs and i think i often don't really share my mind or heart, i sort of withdraw. and when i'm stressed or sad or whatever then i pull back further - when this is when i most need support. sometimes i can feel really awkward in group social situations at night, and feel so out of place, and not know how to make small talk. i'm just so tired and distraught at not having a full loving life. am i a horrible person? what can't i seem to hold on to friendships? i was thinking to ask my one close friend for her honest feedback on why i suck at friendship cause sometimes it is much more obvious to other people, but i don't want to freak her out or put strain on our friendship. so yeah. i guess just many many tears of alone-ness. and the sad thing is i don't know how to solve it. maybe i am just a horrible person who is destined to be perpetually alone? and it is horrible that this was the trauma of my childhood - from about age 7 to 12 or so i lived in a home with an alcoholic dad and older sister and spent so much time in nature climbing trees and swimming - on my own. maybe i never learnt how to properly be around people and its gonna hinder me forever? sorry to be so self absorbed right now 😞 thanks for reading

[hope4joy]

Hi Neil,

thanks for your description of Tess. What it brought to mind when you described her getting all fluffed up and looking gorgeous, is when a dog suddenly finds a patch of delightful grass and rolls around on their back, goosing around and looking ever so cute. And yes 17 is impressive! I've presently got Charlotte asleep on my lap. Everyone else has gone out for the night so i appreciate her keeping me company. Animals are beautiful. I was googling last night about animals in California - and am delighted to hopefully see raccoons, skunks, coyotes, bobcats, mountain lions... wow! I remember seeing my first (and actually only) red squirrel in Germany... quite special really, it was in the cemetery where my grandparents are buried - and it was so incredibly beautiful. Like that colour when people dye their hair electric red/orange. Anyways I'm being lost in remembering, shall read the rest of your message!

And apologies for the delay - I've been in Sydney to apply for my visa. Very intimidating passing through so many levels of security, but my interviewing officer was so nice. So I'll keep him in mind as my stereotypical american.

And you are so right Neil - in Sydney I knew my stuff, in regards to how to travel. I've navigated so many airports, public transport systems, strange foods (found the best Japanese bakery in Sydney! pumpkin danishes and donoughts filled with red bean paste). Yeah it was tiring. But I coped with the stresses (I think the anti d's really help with that). And I'm getting stronger. I think the depression really weakened my body, but I've been swimming again recently and today I finally felt some power in my body again - like starting to get strong - so that felt good. Not simply surviving life and barely holding on, but actually trying to flourish and grow and enjoy.

By the way, how was Japan? I've not been there before. You should feel proud you still travelled overseas when coping with mental illness at the same time - that's a pretty big feat!

And thanks for your encouragement Neil, I hope I do enjoy lot of it. I've started that when i start getting anxious - and sometimes its in the panic attack range, I'm going to keep researching things I can do over there and explore, to shift my attention from fear to interest as much as I can. That's why I looked up the animals last night. I also learnt the federal min wage is $7.50! Yikes. And in California $10. We are so lucky.

[hope4joy]

wow Neil, you have such an art for seeing the positive in things - thank you. I really appreciate the support from you and everyone on this thread/ these forums. I just decided that when i hit a down moment when I'm away reading this thread will be a good thing to do. Its really nice to get a helping hand.

How are you doing Neil? And the kids? And the dogs?

Kind wishes!

Christina

[hope4joy]

Hi Qld Mouse,

so lovely to hear from you. Attitude and experience hey? That's a really nice way to put it. I'm always drawn to 'old souls' for my friends and I think you're right, action is so much more powerful than theory.

[interlude, Charlotte keeps yawning and I keep getting wafted with cat breath.... the joy of fish... not!]

Yes I've started to think what I can join while over there. I'd like to help out at an animal shelter if I can, or some other type of volunteering. Groups with people are a whole heap scarier, but I will see what I can find that might suit me. I've even thought of blogging for my uni - well my psychologist suggested blogging as a way to stay connected - and the exchange team is looking for a few people to blog just 4 or 5 times a semester. Not quite sure. Any suggestions Qld Mouse? Or anyone else reading this?

And thanks for sharing more of your impressions and experiences in the US, they sound colourful!

What's been going on for you Qld Mouse? How's your week been?

And just...

• to test
• those
• buttons
• again 🙂

Kind wishes, Christina 🙂

[QldMouse]

Hi Christina,

Well done, you sound like a great traveler. Sydney, train network, and came up with great food. Germany? sounds like your passport would be a little worn but well loved.

Great to hear about your swimming, yes exercise is amazing for clearing the body and the mind, I like to walk when I need to get away and I always feel better. Go figure.

Blogging is a great idea, people you would not believe come out of the woodwork and comment. I did it ages ago and maybe should again. my psychologist suggested coming here as a way to stay "together" while she was on holiday, when I started I was coming apart a bit, but as usual she was right. It has helped me and especially our chats. People here give me faith in the world again.

I can only think that you blogging for the exchange team will help the encourage people, I'm expecting a big pile of fun things in your blog.

Only a few weeks until summer for you eh? So exciting!!

Neil, you do have a great talent at finding the positive, Christina is right and a tip my hat to you sir.

[hope4joy]

Hi Qld Mouse,

Just dropping by quickly to say hello, and thanks for your encouragement. I feel very foggy and flat today and its a bit hard to get my thoughts together. Unfortunately my pool is being renovated this week so I can't go swimming! I'm not sure I'm up to trying somewhere new. Although I could go to the afternoon yoga class. I agree that walking is great too, perhaps I'll just do that. I hate feeling this way, but what can one do. I guess its always a shock when i've had a few good days in a row and then suddenly feel flat and down. Best get active and get out of the house.

Kind wishes to all,

Christina

[white knight]

Hi Christina.

I cone and go with threads. Especially when travelling.

Anyway when I'm a bit down I Google

Maharaji prem rawat the perfect instrument

And "sunset" by him to.

It will uplift you.

Tony WK

[QldMouse]

Hi Christina,

It sounds to me like you are doing very well, I think you will suit the upbeat, can do Californian vibe and it will be a great time for you.

Shame about the pool, but the upside is when you get back into it that it will be cleaner!!

Oh I hear you about the fog, it is the reverse for me. Most of my days are down and foggy and hard, then every now and then I have a good day and its like a blast of goodness and I so want it to continue, but it doesn't. I'm on a mission to try and find things that make we happy, and I find it a very hard search. One more week and I get back to therapy, and I'll bet that is going to be a big session.

Happy trails to you.

[hope4joy]

Hi Tony WK,

Do you like those 'white knight' chocolate bars? They are filled with a chewy mint centre a bit like a minty, so probably terrible for one's teeth. But quite delicious, I used to eat them as a kid. I can't help but think of them when I see your profile name, as well as white knight in the true sense.

I didn't realise you were traveling around Australia. How long have you been on the road for? Do you have an end date or is it just when you fancy being settled for a bit? I've done a lot of travelling in Australia. In 2011 I drove from Brissie to SA, then up to Alice, then Darwin, then back to Katherine and across to Derby and on to Perth. I love the Kimberley country - gorgeous red gorges and those wonderful bottle trees, it was very special. And the drive from Port Augusta to Alice - well especially around Woomera, that was scary! Such as arid landscape with strong winds and magical salt lakes. But then a detention centre in that landscape - so isolated - it nearly made me vomit, I felt so ill that our government could place people in such a remote area, it just felt inhumane. I used to work for immigration so it was also impacting at a personal level. Have there been any memorable moments in what you've seen and experienced in the landscape?

And yes, no worries about the coming and going thing. I've gotten so much better with that sort of ambivalence as I've become more well emotionally. Often I see once in a blue moon or infrequent contact as a blessing, rather than seeing it as a lack. To appreciate the contact rather than try to put rules around the friendship.

I watched the tracks you suggested, I particularly like the sunset one. Reframing our experience is so powerful. I've been thinking about it a lot lately. That I don't want to waste my life away looking at what I'm lacking. I can feel a lot of grief with what I've lost to mental illness. I want to be content with my lot and not wait for some future time when I'm better. I find it hard at times, especially if my mood is low and I've not got much on. I found deep loneliness excruciating. I know I can get through it, but it feels like I'm on the periphery of life. I just checked my diary tonight and there are 3.5 weeks left till I fly to LA. I really hope I can live this time to the best of my ability. It scares me terribly to be leaving my supports and cocoon here, but I also feel a great experience awaits.

Kind wishes to you Tony WK,

Christina 🙂

[hope4joy]

Hi Qld Mouse,

its always nice to hear from you, and see the lovely ears and whiskers you have! 🙂

Thanks for your encouragement. Lately when I feel afraid about my trip my default is to think about seeing raccoons! They were my favourite animal as a child, so hopefully I can get some good video footage and snaps and experiences with them while away. Sort of the Australian equivalent of a possum it seems, although perhaps a bit smarter, more clued in and bigger. There really should be more raccoon characters in cinema.

And hey, it makes me feel sad to hear how tough it is for you at times. And how the bright light happy days are the rare ones at the moment. It can and will change again Qld Mouse. It sounds like you've also been without therapy support for a month or something recently? Which is ages. My psychiatrist is a regular holiday goer/ conference attendee and it really mucked me up to be having frequent breaks of anywhere up to six weeks. I really like it that my psychologist is more reliable and available more often, it makes me feel safer. Is your first session next week Qld Mouse? It sounds like you get a lot from the sessions? What sort of therapy are you doing? I hope its okay to ask these things. I have noticed that you sometimes skirt my questions and just encourage me instead. I know that practice too! But really, please share here freely. We're all in this together.

Sorry if you have shared this before Qld Mouse, but what sorts of things did you used to enjoy? I remember you saying that your daughter brings you a lot of joy.

Well I got my visa today! And its looks pretty official. I also checked the calendar and it is only 3.5 weeks to go! I'm working three days next work so it'll fly by, then my mum will stay for two weeks or so, and then its but a few days and I fly off. I've been ready to cancel the trip lately. Its sort hard to do something like this when my depression is still with me each day in some form or another. But I'd hate to regret not going. I've decided I'll commit for one semester and then I can decided whether I want to come home or stay on for another semester. It just makes it more manageable. I heard from a friend in my course who is also going on exchange and she said she is scared about it - which kinda helped me, that it is normal to be afraid. And I need to keep remembering that I will have lots of supports over there. My psychologist is helping me find a therapist over there, I think I need that support.

[hope4joy]

oh gosh Qld Mouse, where did all the words go? Suddenly I was at the limit. Serial poster 🙂

What were your experiences like getting through immigration on arriving into the US? I feel a bit afraid of homeland security and that I might get grilled? Was it intimidating?

I hope this finds you in a little blast of goodness Qld Mouse.

Kind wishes to you,

Christina 🙂