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feeling so lonely and isolated

hope4joy
Community Member
hi everyone, I feel kinda guilty posting here because I haven't been active on the forums for a month or two. I guess I just need to vent and reach out a bit as I can't seem to stop crying today. i guess the main thing is i feel overwhelming loneliness. its horrible because my life outwardly is going so well, in terms of doing things and studying in an area that i love. but it seems my loneliness is something that always comes and haunts me, or plagues me or is just my reality in life. i'm okay with being alone and spending time by myself. but i struggle to maintain many close friendships. its like i'm getting worse at it the older i get. and i seriously have so few people in my life that matter and hardly anyone i can ring up and ask to catch up with. and it seems i al always the one initiating contact with others, no one really makes an effort to spend time with me. i keep having something go round and round in my head, something that a friend said to me that at a certain point in her life she realised she didn't like who she was and she decided she had to change. in many ways i think i'm a caring, funny and sensitive friend, i'm good at encouraging people and being kind. but i suck at meeting my own needs and i think i often don't really share my mind or heart, i sort of withdraw. and when i'm stressed or sad or whatever then i pull back further - when this is when i most need support. sometimes i can feel really awkward in group social situations at night, and feel so out of place, and not know how to make small talk. i'm just so tired and distraught at not having a full loving life. am i a horrible person? what can't i seem to hold on to friendships? i was thinking to ask my one close friend for her honest feedback on why i suck at friendship cause sometimes it is much more obvious to other people, but i don't want to freak her out or put strain on our friendship. so yeah. i guess just many many tears of alone-ness. and the sad thing is i don't know how to solve it. maybe i am just a horrible person who is destined to be perpetually alone? and it is horrible that this was the trauma of my childhood - from about age 7 to 12 or so i lived in a home with an alcoholic dad and older sister and spent so much time in nature climbing trees and swimming - on my own. maybe i never learnt how to properly be around people and its gonna hinder me forever? sorry to be so self absorbed right now 😞 thanks for reading
102 Replies 102

I don't know what to say but I send you hugs.
I know the feeling of loneliness as I don't have many friends and feel like I chase people more than they chase me.
I am naturally shy and quiet so that makes it hard for me to attract people.

Neil_1
Community Member
Hi Christina

Whoa, an 11 hour work day (and no breaks), that does not sound good at all – and not good for anyone, let alone if you’re doing it tough on so many different fronts. I hope that was just a one off work wise.

How long till your big assessment is done and over?

Not sure if you were inundated with rain on the weekend; where I am, we had 44mm on Satday and then 76mm on Sunday; Sunday was just steady rain all day. But nothing as torrential as other areas received.

No need to apologise at all either … being low and down and bleak – it’s all part of who we are, which is not good; as we know. But we’ve gotta keep striving for the positives and you just never know when they will turn up.

Neil

Hi Christina and Neil,

I just have to say how inspirational I've found your exchange. I'm new, but just reading the way you two have been communicating gives me hope. Clearly you two are wonderful, caring people. Christina you sound lovely, and I have been where you are, I hope the sunshine breaks through the clouds and brings you warmth real soon.

All the best.

Hi Tony,

thank you for expressing such a heartfelt reply. I popped in here yesterday at a real low point and cried so much after reading your reply, and the kindness of another member. I wasn't able to reply just then. And it gave me so much energy. I am really struggling to finish my last assessment and such kindness, well it gave me a burst to keep going, and I got a draft together this afternoon, which I so needed.

And yes thank you, perspective is important. It is hard to imagine that depression will ever lift once it sets in, but time and time again it always does. So maybe I can believe that even if i don't 'feel' it to be true.

I'm now playing the songs you suggested and am quite excited to be listening to Elvis, I've not heard much of him. Unchained melody is wonderful! Music is a magical thing. I'll now go and read your reply again...

Hmm, its powerful what you say about needing to build up a network of people around oneself that really cares. I'm glad you've having this more and more in your life. Its horrible the way if we were used to being treated badly as a child/ young adult, that we then keep replicating this... and don't realise that friendship can mean so much more. I have two really special friends I met through different psychology courses and I love them so much. I can be me around them. But you're right, there are many times we can't be available to support each other, or to be a good friend, because of our own mental illness. But the good times are worth it.

I think for me another common thing in my best friends is an interest in art/ beauty in the world - because that is how I see the world - all in a play of light and shapes and 'artworks' everywhere. And a sense of humour/playfulness - I have a very strong inner child and play nurtures this part of me.

What about you Tony, what aspects do you think are most important in your dear friends?

And I'm sorry to hear about that friend letting you down and abandoning you when your vehicle broken down... that sounds really thoughtless. So many people these days can only think of their own interests, it is a special find to find truly generous and caring people.

(I like the Leon Berger song too, esp with the scratchy record sound in the recording)

As to my songs, one that has given me a lot of inspiration this year is this track on youtube:

John Butler, Dan Sultan & Missy Higgins - From Little Things Big Things Grow

I guess it gives me hope.

Kind wishes to you Tony,

Christina

hope4joy
Community Member

Hi Mister M,

I appreciate you popping by here. Yeah, its a tough gig sometimes keeping friendships. Lets hope we just continue to get better at it as we get older! And in the short term, it is lovely to have this community to help break the isolation and to share those painful lonely moments with too. I always feel so embarrassed to tell people in person that I'm feeling lonely, I somehow take it as my failing. When really they'd probably just feel concern or empathy for me. I hope you're still managing to plough through the last of this semesters workload Mister M, we're almost there.

Take care,

Christina

hope4joy
Community Member

Hey Neil,

its nice to hear from you 🙂 Yeah I think such a long day is overdoing it, looking back. I'm needing to save up lately so have been working a bit too much and weekends are a much better rate of pay. I have another long day next sat, 6:30 till 5pm, and something on that night. But i've arranged to have an hour break in the middle, so that ought to help a bit. Its hard finding balance.

And yeah, we had lots of rain here. It was beautiful really, in that there wasn't any damage in my local area. I find heavy rain and storms soothing and sort of cleansing. Actually I find the same with the beach and rivers and water in general, it somehow can help me let go of emotional pains and become lighter and freer. And I think I just like mother nature going a bit nuts and asserting herself on our very orderly lives. Of course its no good if people are hurt/ stuff is damaged. Did you fare okay? How do you find storms?

And thanks for accepting my bleakness and blackness. And also the reminded that the good and bright is always just around the corner, at least in small doses.

As to uni assessments I got an extension, so it is now due on June 15th. So not long to go at all. My psych reckons my mood will pick up after this pressure is over.

Whats happening in your world Neil?

Christina

Hi QldMouse,

thank you for such a heartfelt reply... thanks for sharing the beauty inside of you.

And i'm intrigued by your profile name. I have a dear friend who goes by the name of Mouse... though not of the Qld variety! But I wonder, what is the meaning for you? No worries if it is too personal.

Yes, lets hope the sun breaks through soon. How are you doing QldMouse?

Christina 🙂

Hi Christina,

What a great reply, set of replies actually to several responders.

If we evaluate this for a moment...your pattern over the last few days is not uncommon for us all.

Firstly we are low, even desperate so in your case, or my case when in a remote town we seek help. We post here, why? What are the basic reasons we do so? Because we are from the same flock, we can relate. And we are compassionate.

Then you get several replies all of which have their own unique qualities.

Then to your credit you follow every word and reply.

What has happened? A few things

Change of focus

Time since feeling down

Attention you desperately needed. Guidance. Friendship.

Imagine you are dizzy from problems. You spin around in the middle of an intersection. Collectively posters here stop you spinning and point you to the right road. It is you however that takes that first step to feeling better. You might return to that intersection again but you'll know which way to face for that journey forward because you've been there before.

That's my theory but its far from perfect.

What I do know is that we are all humans and as humans two of the greatest gifts one can give to another is an ear and a helping hand.

I wish I could wipe your tears, sooth your drained mind and cushion lives bumps for you. Such level of care is in a lot of people. Find them, nurture their friendship and have faith in life for it's positives.

But be aware people are also near you that will turn against you. Just like my friend that deserted us on a remote outback road.

Discard them as quick as you can and keep going on your journey. Its sad that some people are so nasty but we cannot help them. We are too busy with our own kind.

Like you

Tony WK

Neil_1
Community Member
Dear Christina,

Great to hear back from you and thank you so much, not just to me, but to everyone who you so thoughtfully replied back to. In you doing that, I sense what a wonderful caring natured person you are – when someone reaches out to you, you reply back to each one individually. That really stamps you as one of those people who are so kind and compassionate – and you’re doing this all the while, while you’re still struggling with your own issues. Mega kudos to you.

And the posts have been coming in and it’s been awesome from both sides – your responses as well as the others who have been writing to you.

I noticed in one of your responses to Tony about how you see the world – in lights, shapes and artistry; and dare I add in colours as well. That is an amazing quality to have and I had a psych once upon a time say to me, “Can you perhaps look at things in your life for the beauty that is there?” I told her back that for a lot of the time I already do that – more so in colour, I love the colour of different things. I also do check out cloud formations a lot and to see what different pictures, patterns that produce – that can be never-ending.

For me, I love storms – although not the real violent ones, those ones with damaging winds, etc; but just a regular kind of storm, with good rain and masses of lightning, really enjoy those. I’m a bit nerdy when it comes to weather, as am always on the lookout for how the weather will be, what’s coming, etc etc.

My world continues to keep on going; have my work, I attend my gym 6 days a week, trying to keep as fit as I can – though if I were to win Powerball or the like, then I would be able to concentrate 100% on my fitness and really ramp things up. Ahh, dreams. But for the moment, it’s just the same old, same old, wow, when you read it like that, that sounds ultra boring.

Ps: to QldMouse – I really enjoyed reading your response as well.

Neil

Thank you Christina,

I find getting positive, lovely comments like yours quite shocking. My bad, it is not what I'm use to.

I was scrambling for a nick and Mouse was taken, maybe by your friend? So I put Qld on the front and bingo, got passed that screen. Was not in such a great frame of mind when I did it, so it means "Mouse" not "Man". Scared, timid, feeling small ... you get the picture.

How am I doing? thank you for asking. I'm ok, hanging in there, had some good help in another thread.

You are clearly an amazing lady, I suspect your close to my daughters age and she is also amazing. Be proud of yourself and the power you have within you. You can conquer the world, and it definitely needs more people like you and Neil in charge!!

(waves at Neil). Really enjoyed reading your posts.

Thank you awesome people.