feeling so lonely and isolated

[hope4joy]

hi everyone, I feel kinda guilty posting here because I haven't been active on the forums for a month or two. I guess I just need to vent and reach out a bit as I can't seem to stop crying today. i guess the main thing is i feel overwhelming loneliness. its horrible because my life outwardly is going so well, in terms of doing things and studying in an area that i love. but it seems my loneliness is something that always comes and haunts me, or plagues me or is just my reality in life. i'm okay with being alone and spending time by myself. but i struggle to maintain many close friendships. its like i'm getting worse at it the older i get. and i seriously have so few people in my life that matter and hardly anyone i can ring up and ask to catch up with. and it seems i al always the one initiating contact with others, no one really makes an effort to spend time with me. i keep having something go round and round in my head, something that a friend said to me that at a certain point in her life she realised she didn't like who she was and she decided she had to change. in many ways i think i'm a caring, funny and sensitive friend, i'm good at encouraging people and being kind. but i suck at meeting my own needs and i think i often don't really share my mind or heart, i sort of withdraw. and when i'm stressed or sad or whatever then i pull back further - when this is when i most need support. sometimes i can feel really awkward in group social situations at night, and feel so out of place, and not know how to make small talk. i'm just so tired and distraught at not having a full loving life. am i a horrible person? what can't i seem to hold on to friendships? i was thinking to ask my one close friend for her honest feedback on why i suck at friendship cause sometimes it is much more obvious to other people, but i don't want to freak her out or put strain on our friendship. so yeah. i guess just many many tears of alone-ness. and the sad thing is i don't know how to solve it. maybe i am just a horrible person who is destined to be perpetually alone? and it is horrible that this was the trauma of my childhood - from about age 7 to 12 or so i lived in a home with an alcoholic dad and older sister and spent so much time in nature climbing trees and swimming - on my own. maybe i never learnt how to properly be around people and its gonna hinder me forever? sorry to be so self absorbed right now 😞 thanks for reading

[hope4joy]

Hi Tony,

I enjoyed reading your theory and I can see the truth in it, and that with time patterns become stronger and more familiar and then more automatic so that we spend less and less time waiting at the intersection. Its hard because depression and other states encourage us to be alone and to isolate, whereby we get bogged and stuck in the same headspace, when what we need most is like you said, someone to listen and someone to help out. I guess we're lucky that we can be such good friends to others, and that in time we'll have more of these types of friends ourselves. I think you're right, you can often see more of a person's character when the chips are down, and how they respond. I think for me what I need is to become more active in friendships and to let people know how to meet my needs sometimes - i can still be very passive at times and expect them to know what i'm needing or how i'd like them to be when i'm upset. This is a work in progress at the moment!

Its very nice chatting to you Tony 🙂

Christina

[hope4joy]

Hi Neil,

thanks so much for sharing about how you see the world - through colours - and cloud formations. Yes- this is it! Seeing the world in terms of beauty. Sometimes when I'm driving along and I see the most vibrant flowers (often the rich pink purple bougainvillea) I have to stop my car and take a quick photo or video! Smart phones are so handy for that. When I'm feeling good this experience is even richer, although it never truly leaves me. Do you have a favourite colour that really delights you? I find I go through periods of being attached to a particular colour... often it is red/pink or green. I am also very partial to smells - anything natural - like lemon-scented gums or the bark of stringy-barks are two delightful scents. And now perhaps I'm sounding quite odd! But i do find these simple things so enjoyable time after time.

And its good to hear that life is carrying on smoothly for you Neil. I guess anyone's routine would seem boring because there is so much repetition... and I think thats okay. What did you mean by saying you'd invest more in your fitness if you won the lotto... what sorts of things would you like to do? Me personally would get an hour massage every week... that would be bliss!

Wising you a good day,

Christina

[hope4joy]

Hi QldMouse,

thanks so much for your reply and for explaining where your profile name comes from. I'm sorry to hear about you feeling timid. I know the feeling when life and everyone in it seems so overwhelming and frightening. I think I'm perpetually a bit anxious and hyper vigilant, but hope I can turn this down over time. Is your anxiety a new thing or something that has been with you a long while? And sorry if you've discussed this in another thread, my energy is still quite low so i'm just staying in a couple of threads at the moment. That sounds quite bizarre, like I'm a sewing machine or weaving frame or something! 🙂

And shame isn't it that we can so easily give compliments but find it hard to receive them. Thank you for you kind words QldMouse, you're a kind generous person to offer them. And how nice to hear that your daughter is such a great person. Perhaps she has been inspired by her parents! 🙂

Wishing you a good day QldMouse,

Christina 🙂

[QldMouse]

Hi Christina,

Thank you for your lovely comments and kind words, yes you are sure correct about compliments and I would say wise advice. We do seem to get much better at giving it and compassion to everyone except ourselves.

I asked my therapist about that and she said "why do you think that is" ... it must be a different plane of existence from the rest of us?

I certainly understand your hyper vigilance, are you forcing yourself to get out into clubs and groups? It is super scary but it works, I've discovered I actually can solicalise. Who knew?!?!

My anxiety and poor self image go back to childhood, and I'm in my late 50's so ... yup. I'm just starting to feel that I have some value, but its hard. My few relationships from my mum onwards have all reinforced my low esteem, fear and shame. Sorry to distract your thread, but if your anything like me you'll go to any lengths to change the subject and not talk about ourselves.

Hasn't the weather improved!! 🙂

Be well, be happy, and continue to be wonderful.

[hope4joy]

Hi QldMouse,

Yeah I hear you about how change can take an awfully long time, and that it is a step by step thing. I'm in my mid 30s and have had the realisation that I needed help/ to change since I was 29. It was like before that I had no self awareness and was asleep and just caught on the merry-go-round of life and then suddenly a light switched on and I entered my body again and realised how much pain and difficulty I had in life. So its been all sorts of counselling things since then, kind of like peeling back the layers of an onion analogy. Sometimes I wonder if it will ever stop - and I guess we can probably go on learning forever. But I don't feel like i'm ready to stop counselling yet because I still have such a negative view of myself at times and I still struggle in meeting my own needs and taking up space in friendships, which ultimately can make them feel very unsatisfying and cause me to not invest much time. Gosh I'm not sure if any of this makes sense QldMouse!

So yes your comment that I'm happy to change the conversation quickly is very astute! And part of it for me is that I don't know how to hold a space, I just say whats wrong in one sentence or a few and then don't know what else to say. I'm not good at repeating myself or going around in circles out loud... which is what my friends seem to do when they want help on something... although I can in my head.

With being hyper vigilant, um well sadly I have that all the time. Its sort of how I approach life mostly. But I agree with you that forcing oneself to socialise does work, especially when habits kick in and it feel natural. Sometimes i struggle most with going to events at night but if I get into the habit of it, it becomes much easier and I sort of just go on autopilot - which in this case is helpful! It sounds like you're making big progress with being sociable. What sorts of social events do you like to go to?

And don't be sorry to share about you here, the threads belong to everyone and its nice to chat and share. I'm just wondering, did something prompt you to start making these changes recently? Its great that you are starting to see value in yourself... that is very much a step in the wholehearted direction! It reminds me of one of my favourite TED talks (I'm not sure if you know them, they are conferences of inspiring people help around the world, and recorded and online for free) by Brene Brown about how vulnerability is the key to living a wholehearted life.

[hope4joy]

And yet feeling vulnerable can be excruciating and something I usually run away from. Yet it is what leads to joy and wholehearted-ness. Hmm, I'm having trouble explaining it QldMouse.

Wishing you a good day - and yes the weather has improved markedly - its almost like summer again!

Kind wishes,

Christina 🙂

[QldMouse]

Hi hope4joy,
The more that I look at your nickname, the more it resonates with me. We all hope 4 joy in our lives don't we.
Wow, your mid 30's you lucky lady, your almost in your prime!! What a great time you must have ahead, my life didn't kick into high gear about then and it was twenty years of rollercoaster. I suspect there have to be some dips to make the peaks in life dramatic, but I really hope you have great peaks of joy ahead of you.
Oh brother do I understand the first paragraph, sorry sister!! It makes perfect sense. I'm pealing the onion layers off but wish it didn't cause so many tears. Have you seen "Shrek"? When Donkey and Shrek are talking about layers ... Can't get that out of my head.
Wow, so much of what you say/type is so familiar. Changing the subject, yes you get very good at not addressing the "how are you" or worse the "how are you really" question. You are so right, other people spout their issues over and over until you can mouth the story yourself. I also do a rubbish job of explaining my challenges. Interesting but havn't a clue what that means.
With being hyper vigilant, um well yes, er ... I have always been that way. My early life was a bit violent at times so it was important to know where all the bolt holes and exits were at all times. I still have triggers that I can't seem to reprogram. At times I have driven myself to events, but not in the past year. The last few years have been a steady decline, I thought a period several years ago was rock bottom, but 2015 beat it hands down. This year has really been up and down, so sadly no I'm not making progress. Sorry if I mislead you, it is so much easier to give advice than take it isn't it. 😞
Did something prompt me, not comfortable sharing that but things got a bit dark and I scared myself. Taking deep breaths, yes I've moved on from that a wee bit but have a long way to go I know. At times you just get so tired, then so tired of being so tired. I've seen several people saying that here.
It is funny you mention Brene Brown. She is hilarious on TED isn't she. I got a reading list from my therapist and "The Gifts of Imperfection" was underlined and highlighted. I have it, but find it a tough read. Her TED talk was interesting, but I have a bit of aversion to religion. My mother was very religious and it didn't stop her causing me great hurt and harm. So I suppose I have another issue there.

..../

[QldMouse]

Feeling vulnerable is excruciating, and even though your twenty something years younger I think I could out run you to get away from it!! I hope it leads to joy and wholehearted-ness. No your not having trouble explaining it, not at all. Your coming in crystal clear. I've read your posts and just keep nodding and going ah huh, yes, yup, oh
yeah. How many others I wonder are out there doing the same thing, the thing I'm liking here is that I now think there are quite a few.

Thank you so much for this.

Go enjoy the return of summer and have a wonderful weekend. 🙂

(cheeky double posters aren't we!!)

[hope4joy]

Hi Qld Mouse,

I'm just popping by quickly to say hi!! I look forward to reading your post and replying soon. I've had my head in my studies... am on my very last assessment... due wed but i'll try to submit it tomorrow... and wow, then i've made it through the semester! Off to my psych app now. Chat soon,

Christina 🙂

[Neil_1]

Hi Christina

Wow, Tuesday today, so you’ve got one more day left till the end of your semester – this must be a wonderful feeling to have. I hope you’ve done really awesome with all that you’ve submitted, etc.

And then to read QldMouse’s mentioning Shrek and layers … that is always a crack up, as that is one of my fave movies. Just love it. So many quotable lines out of it. 🙂 An absolute feel good movie.

Colours? I do like orange; and I really enjoy a spectacular sunrise or sunset. They are awesome.

Boring can sometimes be a real stress reliever … as in, if it’s deemed as a stock standard routine and you feel comfortable and at ease with everything, then it can be ‘just nice’ or ‘just good’. No particular need for spectacular or living on the edge type of excitement. But hey, these times I think have their place as well, but just not all the time.

Invest more in fitness, in that, well for (a) I wouldn’t need or have to work again and that then draws me to what I would do. Well I’d do everything that I could to get fitter and build myself up more. Cycling, running, buy a kayak or canoe and get more fitness that way – anyway for the moment, just a pipe dream, but still something to dream about. 

How about you, have you ever thought about what you’d do if you won a massive Lotto prize? Apart from your weekly massage! ;)

Neil