Feeling lost and overwhelmed...what happened?

[CMF]

Wow, this was meant to be 'my' year. A new year, a fresh start, a year to focus on what i want to do and where i am headed but i have hit a brick wall and can't break through. Single mum 3 kids. My little one has more kinder sessions so i have 3 days with about 4 hours free. With kids at school/kinder, this was my plan and how i wanted to spend my time i was excited/positive up until last weeks:

Do a few odd jobs around the house, fix a few things, big clean up;

Join a gym, do yoga for relaxation, walk every day - take care of me

Do an online course or some short courses so i can think of going back to work next year when she starts school. I could do something i really enjoy, a new career.

Maybe do some casual work or start a little business from a hobby

How i feel now:

Don't know where to start,anxious, guilty for not doing anything with my free time yet

How will i juggle 2 teenagers and a preppie and work all on my own next year?

If i work next year who will look after the little one on school holidays? I don't want to use school holiday programs when she is in grade prep. The thought makes me sick.

Maybe i should sell the house, just get rid of the mortgage and rent and be free ( i have this thought every month around pmt time) but where would i go and would i be renting forever? I feel overwhelmed with mortgage and bills, just like everyone i guess. Am i running away from responsibility, am i lazy?

I feel i have to be doing something all the time, feel guilty if i take time out (i was fine first week of kinder, this started second week I feel guilty not working, Scared I'll get in trouble for not doing anything yet and for having free time. The course i wanted is too expensive but i can look at other options.

I feel like a lazy mum, bad example to set for my children.

I'm anxious and depressed. i look at others with their families and how they are happy and going out and going away because they can afford to.

Am i crazy for being like this? Am i a lazy person? I had it all planned out, what happened, why have i now fallen like this? I saw a positive future, upgrade my skills, get out there and be something now i cant see it anymore.

I've lost my direction. People have said to give myself time to adjust to having some free time and to take a break and then rethink what i want to do but i'm panicking, like i'm wasting my time and i cant get going. I don't deserve anything i have.

Thanks for reading

cmf x

[CMF]

• M came for dinner. Just the 2 of us. We talked & talked & talked for hours about lots of things. I brought up Bali & what i told sis' bf. I asked if they'd had discussions. No. I told M how upset i was the night they left. He asked straight away what he'd done. I told him a & he said he wasn't trying to convince me to go with them but was pointing out alot of people have the wrong perception then love it. I stressed that I can't go on holiday with everyone all the time & we need to have our own holidays. He said sis & bf are going next May/June but we don't have to go & he won't go, that we can do something else.i told him it was hard cos of the timing. I felt he was already planning next holiday before he'd left for this one & I couldn't address the issue as he was going o/s so it sat with me. He was surprised how much it upset me. Later I thanked him for allowing me to be able to tell him how I feel. That it's important to discuss things & clarify/compromise. Told him I'll always be honest about my feelings.

[CMF]

Funny thing. M doesn't remember saying 'see listen to him'  when sis bf said he know loves Bali. He also doesn't remember saying 'let's do it' when sis said she wanted us to go with them after we'd hada big disagreement. I guess this shows me he reacts with a positive response whereas I need to think, process & overthink. He will just say yes to everything with her (as I've seen) then worry about it later.

Aaaahhhh...still learning lol

[CMF]

...and just like that she ruined it all. M bought me a lovely chain with a cross on his holiday. It is a short chain, he said so I can wear it with my other one. Today I wore them together. Went there fir dinner & she saw it. She commented that I'm wearing my new necklace & I've layered it like THEY wanted. THEY. It's how THEY want me to wear it. I felt my heart sink, a lump in my throat, I switched off. Once again she made herself part of our relationship. No doubt it was her idea to wear them together. I couldn't wait to get home & take it off. I don't want to wear it anymore. Funny thing is the chain is ahort, sits on my throat & chokes me a bit. Just like i feel around her. Choked.  He says he can live independently of her & hopes his actions minimise the issue.  So far his actions haven't.  I sat quietly at dinner, they chatted & she told stories about the trip & herself. Sounds like they had to share a bed at times. The Footy started & she yelled like a man. I couldn't wait for 1/4 tine so i could leave. She was looking at places here that serve pastries & drinks like they had overseas and said 'WE have to go there'. WE. Who is WE? Her & M?.

Hubby & wife had a nice trip & now back home together enjoying their 'married' life. 

[CMF]

She also told M she bought THEM something for the pool. It's a new pool vacuum as theirs broke. $1000. A gift for THEM, the married couple.

[CMF]

No wonder he didn't respond to my anniversary message. I was telling him what sort of commitment I want to OUR relationship.  That I want him to do these things with me not her ie holidays, decisions, make memories, more time together. Maybe he can't do that with just me.

[CMF]

So today was it. It came to a head. I just can't keep doing this & it all came out. He agreed he takes me for granted & doesn't know why he can't feel more invested in us. He wants to feel like he wants to see me more but he doesn't. He says I'm the best person he knows, I've saved him twice from bad break ups & been there for him with everything but agrees for some reason I'm not enough. My 5 year anniversary message flawed him. It was too much as I knew. He said he should have missed me more when he was away but he was swept up. He agrees I'm more invested than him & he doesn't know why he can't take that next step & agrees the last 5 years we haven't progressed & it's nor fair on me. He doesn't know what he sees for us, doesn't know what he wants. He agreed this trip was gonna be a turning point. I walked away, told him I'm sorry I wasn't enough for him. He said he sees little miss as a 'hand brake' stopping us from doing things but agreed she's my daughter & that's not fair.

I feel sick. What a waste of 5 years.

[randomxx]

Hi there cm , it's rx , l've just got an extra x now.

l'm glad l stumbled over your thread bc l lost everything but l'm sorry to hear about this turning point. But sadly there's always been something wrong with his ways, that much l could see.

l'd say hitting him with all that while he was on the other side of the world on holiday on one hand , wasn't the best timing sorry but yet on the other, it floored him soooo, that just shows how out of this he's actually been , again very sorry.

5yrs must be something , we're having a very similar thing and turn of events too and she's saying it's long enough and atm , she's done. l don't blame her l know l've been weird and l should be further in than l am. There were reasons and as you know she hasn't beene xactly stable right through either.

Anyway, where's your place again , l'm comin over. Big hug.

rxx

[CMF]

Hey

Don't feel like talking now but how funny you turn up on this day.

[quirkywords]

Wow CMF and randomx is there something  in the water , I thank you for being honest and for sharing.

 CMF it must be so frustrating to hear M saying he does not know so much about your relationship, after 5 years. What are you going to do.? Will you give him another chance. 

[quirkywords]

CMF. Thst little miss comment is so insensitive andI true.

If he does not know after 5 years what he wants  but says he knows it is unfair on you,

he is very confused. I am you have to cope with this,