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Feeling lost and overwhelmed...what happened?

CMF
Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

Wow, this was meant to be 'my' year. A new year, a fresh start, a year to focus on what i want to do and where i am headed but i have hit a brick wall and can't break through. Single mum 3 kids. My little one has more kinder sessions so i have 3 days with about 4 hours free. With kids at school/kinder, this was my plan and how i wanted to spend my time i was excited/positive up until last weeks:

Do a few odd jobs around the house, fix a few things, big clean up;

Join a gym, do yoga for relaxation, walk every day - take care of me

Do an online course or some short courses so i can think of going back to work next year when she starts school. I could do something i really enjoy, a new career.

Maybe do some casual work or start a little business from a hobby

How i feel now:

Don't know where to start,anxious, guilty for not doing anything with my free time yet

How will i juggle 2 teenagers and a preppie and work all on my own next year?

If i work next year who will look after the little one on school holidays? I don't want to use school holiday programs when she is in grade prep. The thought makes me sick.

Maybe i should sell the house, just get rid of the mortgage and rent and be free ( i have this thought every month around pmt time) but where would i go and would i be renting forever? I feel overwhelmed with mortgage and bills, just like everyone i guess. Am i running away from responsibility, am i lazy?

I feel i have to be doing something all the time, feel guilty if i take time out (i was fine first week of kinder, this started second week I feel guilty not working, Scared I'll get in trouble for not doing anything yet and for having free time. The course i wanted is too expensive but i can look at other options.

I feel like a lazy mum, bad example to set for my children.

I'm anxious and depressed. i look at others with their families and how they are happy and going out and going away because they can afford to.

Am i crazy for being like this? Am i a lazy person? I had it all planned out, what happened, why have i now fallen like this? I saw a positive future, upgrade my skills, get out there and be something now i cant see it anymore.

I've lost my direction. People have said to give myself time to adjust to having some free time and to take a break and then rethink what i want to do but i'm panicking, like i'm wasting my time and i cant get going. I don't deserve anything i have.

Thanks for reading

cmf x

5,142 Replies 5,142

Hi there cm and quirk.

l'm sorry cm to and of course, you do whatever you need to.

 

Hi there quirk , yeah l'm a bit gobsmacked to at that comment, what a way to think and he has kids himself.

But hearing you guys talk about 5 yrs yeah l suppose it is a lot of time isn't it, so no wonder l guess it was my gf marker too. But ldk , even with all her troubles , it's just flown so fast it only feels like 1 or 2yrs.

rxx

Hi random and cmf

Cmf just checking how you are going? At lot has happened in the last few days. 
5 years is a long time and I have been following your thread from the start and followed you. 
I remember being so happy when you met m again and you seemed so happy. You had problems with m’s sis over the years. 
I hope you are ok. 

I hope CMF sees this.  I've been offscreen for a while so must have missed a lot.  I am so sorry for our mate CMF.....darling if you're reading this I am sending love and so much strength to you.You are extremely brave.  I have watched you suffer and try to work this odd, even a bit sick...relationship he has with his ghastly monster sister and felt your pain......Much love is coming to you from Forum friends but wish we could do more.....hugs and more hugs CMF....you warrior woman!  xxxxxxx

CMF
Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

Hi friends, 

Big day.  I was catching up with M to talk about it all. I had a long letter as I didn't feel I could say everything. This morning I has an epiphany. When we broke up M said he should have wanted to see me during the week but he didn't.  I realised sis wasn't to blame for the issues, he was. He didnt allow me to have what i needed in the relationship, more time with him. It wasnt a full relationship.  So when i was with them i felt frustrated & like she wasn't giving us space,  but it was M not allowing me that.  We both agreed today, he hadnt realised what was missing for me caused the issue. When he was overseas he had a very emotional experience in 1 town he had visited with his wife & where his son was conceived. He rembered when he went o/s in 2008 with his mates he really missed his wife. He wanted to feel the same about me. He told me he never wanted his marriage to end. Anyway he realised he hadn't fully healed from the marriage breakup & couldn't fully open his heart. Wow, everything made sense.  We talked so openly for nearly 2 hours. There were tears. We held each other for ages & he said we'll keep in touch & he'll still ask my advice on things cos I'm so emotionally intelligent.  He's proud of how I've handled it all & is so sorry for hurting me. I have apologised to his sis, explaining what happened. She was very grateful. My letter made him cry, and laugh 😃.  I feel we have a different connection & a different version of 'us'  I'm heartbroken bur it was healing. I don't think he has been so open before. We texted all arvo. We have so much love & care for each other.

It's been so emotional & healing even though I'm so heartbroken 💔. He said going o/s always changes him & even though he wished I could have gone it opened some wounds for him. I guess things work out the way they're meant to.

Let the healing begin.

CMF
Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

He didn't want come home yet, wanted to extend his stay a couple of weeks cos his boys are still o/s but he didn't cos he knew I was waiting for him to come home. He didn't want to do thst for me. He was happy to see me & does love  me but knows he can't give me all I need in a relationship. He didn't want to keep dissapointing me. 

CMF
Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

I think i was in denial & still am. I always thought if sis wasn't there he'd want to be with me more or that when she goes he'd want to be with me more. I said that years ago & i put in my letter that maybe when she's gone hell realise he misses me. He said he'd be the same whether she's there or not. I thought she kept him from me cos she filled the void. That's why i waited to see what it would be like without her. He kept himself from me.  He said to him she's just 'there'. She has no impact on whether he wants to see more or not. If he wanted to see me more he would have. Maybe there really isn't that for him? It didn't bother me not seeing him during the week but I blamed her when i was lonley & thought it would change. Maybe i really didn'twant to face the truth? Now I feel really heartbroken.

CMF
Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

I should have realised when she used to go away on holiday he didn't spend more time with me, but at least our weekends were uninterrupted.  He had his boys too. I didn't want to take him from them. Maybe the writing was on the wall all along & I refused to see it? I said I won't open my heart up again. Maybe that's what hurts & makes me feel lonely? Denying myself finding happiness?

CMF
Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

He was more honest with me than I was with myself. He was being him.i didn't want to see it. Yes we love each other but he can't be what I need. I still have hope that he'll realise. Maybe 3rd time lucky.  Maybe he really doesn't have that for me.

quirkywords
Community Champion
Community Champion

CMF I am sending big hugs. 
your very well written posts and insights are educational and eyeopening and so moving.

The way you describe your 2hr chat with M is so raw and honest. I hope you can keep in contact as there is so much love there.

 

 

CMF
Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

Thanks Quirky, 

I have so many emotions to express. I've send him so navy messages and asked permission to express them to him as I feel he may help me heal. His marriage break up must have been so hard. I can't imagine. He's been supportive & allowing me to express myself. He said 'let it out'. His responses are a bit shorter. Maybe he wants to disegage a bit, maybe he feels bad, or maybe its just me overthinking. When we met & I gave him the letter I assured him it was not an attack.  He said if I need to attack him it's fine. Guess he's accepting the hurt he caused.  He agreed today after my long message that we def have a connection & he's always here for me. I want to give him space & not text so much but I'm scared of losing the connection.  I'm not ready to completely let go. Not yet.