Feeling lost and overwhelmed...what happened?

[CMF]

Wow, this was meant to be 'my' year. A new year, a fresh start, a year to focus on what i want to do and where i am headed but i have hit a brick wall and can't break through. Single mum 3 kids. My little one has more kinder sessions so i have 3 days with about 4 hours free. With kids at school/kinder, this was my plan and how i wanted to spend my time i was excited/positive up until last weeks:

Do a few odd jobs around the house, fix a few things, big clean up;

Join a gym, do yoga for relaxation, walk every day - take care of me

Do an online course or some short courses so i can think of going back to work next year when she starts school. I could do something i really enjoy, a new career.

Maybe do some casual work or start a little business from a hobby

How i feel now:

Don't know where to start,anxious, guilty for not doing anything with my free time yet

How will i juggle 2 teenagers and a preppie and work all on my own next year?

If i work next year who will look after the little one on school holidays? I don't want to use school holiday programs when she is in grade prep. The thought makes me sick.

Maybe i should sell the house, just get rid of the mortgage and rent and be free ( i have this thought every month around pmt time) but where would i go and would i be renting forever? I feel overwhelmed with mortgage and bills, just like everyone i guess. Am i running away from responsibility, am i lazy?

I feel i have to be doing something all the time, feel guilty if i take time out (i was fine first week of kinder, this started second week I feel guilty not working, Scared I'll get in trouble for not doing anything yet and for having free time. The course i wanted is too expensive but i can look at other options.

I feel like a lazy mum, bad example to set for my children.

I'm anxious and depressed. i look at others with their families and how they are happy and going out and going away because they can afford to.

Am i crazy for being like this? Am i a lazy person? I had it all planned out, what happened, why have i now fallen like this? I saw a positive future, upgrade my skills, get out there and be something now i cant see it anymore.

I've lost my direction. People have said to give myself time to adjust to having some free time and to take a break and then rethink what i want to do but i'm panicking, like i'm wasting my time and i cant get going. I don't deserve anything i have.

Thanks for reading

cmf x

[CMF]

Hey rx

I think I deleted messages  6 months after we originally split ie after I td him where to go & what I really thought of him after what he did. I got rid of cards & photos this year so 2 years since we originally split. I really want nothing in my life to do with him. It is so liberating, like cleaning out cupboards & getting rid of stuff that no longer serves you or add value to your life.

I really have no respect or concern for him or anything to do with him.

[CMF]

It finally happened. I crossed paths with M. Little Miss & I were walking down a shopping strip & he was sitting outside a Cafe with a cycling mate. M was facing toward the footpath, his mate was talking alot. I saw him from the corner of my eye then looked properly.  He was facing the footpath but looking down. As we passed I looked the other way as I had no interest in making eye contact & felt a pang og anxiety. He was still there when we came out of a shop so we kept walking & crossed to the other side of the road as I needed to go back that way & didn't want to walk past again. I don't know if he saw us as we were approaching for a while before I noticed him. When I think about it he was looking down & not engaged with his friend who was talking alot. He looked puffed out or a bit serious which I thought from cycling but they clearly had been sitting there for a bit as his friend was in the middle of a conversation & talking alot, so I wonder if the serious look & looking down was cos he saw me? If he did say something I already knew I was going to just keep walking. He hasn't seen me with my long hair either. Even if he did see me after having told him exactly what i think of him i dont know if he'd have the guts to say hello or anything especially in front of his mate. Oh well. Who knows. I hope he did see me & I hope the look on his face was cos it reminded him  what I thought of him.

[CMF]

My girls and I were sitting at the park across the road from home this afternoon.  A cyclist came past and we looked straight at each other. We all agreed it looked M. He doesn't normally cycle at that time but it was weird. Looked alot like him & just stared at me. I sometimes wo her if he ever cycles down my street . Don't know why he would but gee it looked like him. Why would a cyclist be coming down my street and stare at me? It was weird.

[randomxx]

Hiya cm , long time hu. Was gonna see if l could find you and check in on ya but luckily with this last post here notifications decided to work and here you are.

Gees, how longs it been since you broke up anyway ? Must be bizarre being in the same area , never know who's round the next corner. l suppose luckily there to l don't have to worry she's 12hrs away mind you l prob wouldn't mind anyway but just sayin. Sounds like he might've seen you but covering, be handy having a yapping mate in those times.

Hope your not hurting yourself holding on to all that anger, mind you dunno how l'd be feeling myself and handling it either.

Nothin much on that front happening for me l'm afraid, no one specials popped up at all. GF ex and l still touch base now and then but that's about it, dunno if that's a good thing or bad.

How's things going with the new friend anyway, or is it more or just friends? Nosy aren't l eh ha ha.

All the ebst

rx

[randomxx]

ps, gf ex seems more lost than ever sadly and still changes like the weather. Not only within herself but her ideals just flip flop all over the place.

Don't know if it's just that she's single and on her own so much or whether she'd be her old self from yrs ago , stable, if we had've gone ahead way back when but prob lucky l didn't buy that ring l think bc even from back when you and l were talking, she's about twice as bad these days. 

[CMF]

Hey rx,

Great to see you again. I'm not angry anymore. I really don't care but def don't want to see him. S is good. He is so supportive and helpful. I had bad anxiety last weekend & he talked me through it & helped me calm my mind. He is so intelligent & down to earth. Are we more than friends? I guess so but not going down the path of a full blown relationship with all the bells & whistles. What we have works for us. 

Sorry to hear ex gf is struggling but I think you're doing the right thing. It was in limbo for so long.

Are you still caravanning it? What else is new in your world?

Hugs

Cmf

[quirkywords]

I am enjoying your latest posts.

That was weird about M. He is like a ghost who keeps turning up in your life although after a long time. Hope you are ok.

Rx big wave to you and all those reading. 

[CMF]

Hello Dear Quirky, 

So lovely to see you too. How are you?

Yes I agree. He isn't fully gone for some reason. I know we don't live too far apart but we don't frequent the sames places as we have such different interests.  It really looked like him cycling past last week but he doesn't cycle in the late afternoon,  unless he had a change of plan and why cycle down my street which is a quite street and we never see cyclists in lycra.  He used to cut through my street when we were together. It was probably not him but pretty gutsy of him if it was. Whoever it was we looked straight at each other. I don't know why a stranger would do that. I'm just spewing cos I looked terrible due to the anxiety I was suffering 😂

[randomxx]

Hiya cm and you too, wave to quirk as well , hope your doing ok quirk.

Anyway, that's good cm, so bad for us carrying our anger but l know we have to work through it in our own time and way too 1st.

Yeah sort of back from vanning just a few mths now buttttt, l'm taking off again in a wk or 2 - need a holiday ha ha.

But eh,that sounds nice with S then if your both content who cares. Gf ex had something like for a long time and we've even talked about maybe just kinda committing to something like that. Tell you what she's been as you know a long time all over the shop and she's a lot worse now. Buttt, one things for sure, she's there, anytime, anywhere, no matter what she's going through it's dropped then and there her support and just being, blows your mind butttt, more buts. As ya know too well too she's also in most other ways as unreliable and scattered as it gets so yeah, unfortunately it's been done awhile now.

No one else has taken my interest as yet soooo, we see. Solos got it benefits to 🤔

Glad your doin ok.

Big hug.  rx

[CMF]

Yeah,  it is nice having someone without the pressure of a fullon relationship. I don't know how i did years of M & sis but I was unhappy for alot of it trying to convince myself it would get better.

Oh well.