Feeling lost and overwhelmed...what happened?

[CMF]

Wow, this was meant to be 'my' year. A new year, a fresh start, a year to focus on what i want to do and where i am headed but i have hit a brick wall and can't break through. Single mum 3 kids. My little one has more kinder sessions so i have 3 days with about 4 hours free. With kids at school/kinder, this was my plan and how i wanted to spend my time i was excited/positive up until last weeks:

Do a few odd jobs around the house, fix a few things, big clean up;

Join a gym, do yoga for relaxation, walk every day - take care of me

Do an online course or some short courses so i can think of going back to work next year when she starts school. I could do something i really enjoy, a new career.

Maybe do some casual work or start a little business from a hobby

How i feel now:

Don't know where to start,anxious, guilty for not doing anything with my free time yet

How will i juggle 2 teenagers and a preppie and work all on my own next year?

If i work next year who will look after the little one on school holidays? I don't want to use school holiday programs when she is in grade prep. The thought makes me sick.

Maybe i should sell the house, just get rid of the mortgage and rent and be free ( i have this thought every month around pmt time) but where would i go and would i be renting forever? I feel overwhelmed with mortgage and bills, just like everyone i guess. Am i running away from responsibility, am i lazy?

I feel i have to be doing something all the time, feel guilty if i take time out (i was fine first week of kinder, this started second week I feel guilty not working, Scared I'll get in trouble for not doing anything yet and for having free time. The course i wanted is too expensive but i can look at other options.

I feel like a lazy mum, bad example to set for my children.

I'm anxious and depressed. i look at others with their families and how they are happy and going out and going away because they can afford to.

Am i crazy for being like this? Am i a lazy person? I had it all planned out, what happened, why have i now fallen like this? I saw a positive future, upgrade my skills, get out there and be something now i cant see it anymore.

I've lost my direction. People have said to give myself time to adjust to having some free time and to take a break and then rethink what i want to do but i'm panicking, like i'm wasting my time and i cant get going. I don't deserve anything i have.

Thanks for reading

cmf x

[CMF]

I catch believe he'll be home in 2 days.  I don't know what to expect to be honest. 

[quirkywords]

Cmf

sis bf must see something in her which means she can change. 
yes time has gone quickly.

[CMF]

Hi Quirky my dear friend, 

She is a good person, just overbearing.  M says he has seen bf put her in her place when she's tried to control him. She really likes him so wouldn't want to rock the boat I guess. 

In 24hrs they'll be on their way back. They arrive Saturdays night but I forgot they'd be leaving Friday. Wow, holiday over. 5 weeks gone by. I feel excited & a little nervous. The Bali thing on my mind. M did say he'll be back & will have to figure our what to do with his life now that he has left teaching. Will he have a travel bug now? Will he go off on holiday with sis if she plans it? Will he be happy to stay put for a while? I guess that's what they me when he sounded keen to go to Bali with them the night before they left for Europe. If he starts a new job he might not be able to take a holiday yet. I guess he wasn't thinking about that, as expected.  He's so used to having so many holidays throughout the year, he might not know what's hit him.  Then again, it could all fall into his lap nicely & he can do what he wants when he wants. Wouldn't surprise me. Anyway, shouldn't make myself anxious about it yet. I'm pre empting a disagreement when I bring up Bali & I shouldn't.  I should be manifesting a positive outcome. Surely after this big trip he'll understand my want for our own holiday & what I want instead of doing what sis wants all the time?  

[CMF]

I just saw a great little video on overthinking.  It said if you're attached to someone you whole day & mood can be affected by how they react to something you said or did. Wish i saw it before i sent my anniversary message but glad i saw it before i need to bring up Bali. By overthinking & thinking of all the negatives it affects your mood & that is what you create. Instead, tell yourself 'what if it works out great' & think of positives. I know it's not rocket science but glad I saw it when I did.

[CMF]

Yeah. Really overthinking the Bali thing. Thinking he, sis & bf have been discussing & planning. Thinking they are convincing him & cos he can't say no to her he will go anyway if I don't. Thinking she's getting into his head on this trip they've been on. 

Making me anxious. Stirring up alot especially after the last big fight when he said he hope moving forward his behaviour will minimise my triggers.  It's very confusing when his actions don't match his words.  What do I believe?

[CMF]

Wow. They are getting ready to fly to Rome to come home. He said he's excited.  That was nice yo hear. Maybe it will make him think twice about holidays with/without me. I'm sure having sis in his face 24/7 would have been alot.

[CMF]

According to her bf she can't wait to get home too.

[CMF]

Point form.

Surprised M at the airport. The look on his face was priceless.

I slept over for 1st time. I didn't assume i would but took a toothbrush. He did assume which was nice.

My suggestion weeks ago that he go home, rest, unpack & come over next day offended him 😀

Lunch at his mum's & he checked straight away the time suited me. I can't go anyway cos little miss has soccer presentations but thoughtful of M.

He clearly missed me. 

I asked which side of bed he wanted, he said up to me. He said it's always what I want. Told him if that's the case there will be some changes 😲

Sis annoying, telling me M snored when they had to share a room, talking about herself, saying it's good THEY got to travel together, saying THEY are gonna buy a place in Como. Whatever.

On the drive to the airport Sis' bf brought up again that we need to go to Bali with them. Told him straight out M & I have been together 5 years & NEVER had a holiday together. Told him M & I discussed it & I told him we can't always holiday with EVERYONE all the time. Bf agreed & said that's fair enough. Hopefully it gets back to sis.

M is so honest.  He asked how i was without him & clear I survived & he said he missed Mr but travelling & busy you don't think about it as much. He said if I went away & he was left here would be different,  he'd feel it more.

I realise that when I feel he doesn't care i could be projecting.  Maybe it's my feelings he's picking up on.

He wants to come & help in my garden as my guys been sick. Gardens a mess. First thing he wants to do for me ❤️

I hope it's time for positive change 🙏

[quirkywords]

Cmf

what a lovely post full of love and hope. 
i knew he would have missed yiu and it sounds like he has realised how much he wants you in his life. 
i think sis bf will be an ally for you hopefully.

take care enjoy today. 

[CMF]

Thanks Quirky,

I never thought of her bf as an ally but he seems to understand. M said he wished I was there with him & I said he owes me a holiday. He agreed. Sis' bfcis like meas m said. He was unsure which way to go to the airport, was confused with parking, listens to same radio station. He gets it. He understands that m & I should have a holiday alone. I wonder if he sees how overbearing she is around m & his boys & no one stands up to her? M has alot to think about re work now. He told me something he's considering.  I think sis suggested it butcl either way he thinks he'll be good at it & asked what I thought. Guess my anniversary message maybe did hit home 

I need to learn to block her our & stop dragging her into us. I hope he can too.