Feeling lost and overwhelmed...what happened?

[CMF]

Wow, this was meant to be 'my' year. A new year, a fresh start, a year to focus on what i want to do and where i am headed but i have hit a brick wall and can't break through. Single mum 3 kids. My little one has more kinder sessions so i have 3 days with about 4 hours free. With kids at school/kinder, this was my plan and how i wanted to spend my time i was excited/positive up until last weeks:

Do a few odd jobs around the house, fix a few things, big clean up;

Join a gym, do yoga for relaxation, walk every day - take care of me

Do an online course or some short courses so i can think of going back to work next year when she starts school. I could do something i really enjoy, a new career.

Maybe do some casual work or start a little business from a hobby

How i feel now:

Don't know where to start,anxious, guilty for not doing anything with my free time yet

How will i juggle 2 teenagers and a preppie and work all on my own next year?

If i work next year who will look after the little one on school holidays? I don't want to use school holiday programs when she is in grade prep. The thought makes me sick.

Maybe i should sell the house, just get rid of the mortgage and rent and be free ( i have this thought every month around pmt time) but where would i go and would i be renting forever? I feel overwhelmed with mortgage and bills, just like everyone i guess. Am i running away from responsibility, am i lazy?

I feel i have to be doing something all the time, feel guilty if i take time out (i was fine first week of kinder, this started second week I feel guilty not working, Scared I'll get in trouble for not doing anything yet and for having free time. The course i wanted is too expensive but i can look at other options.

I feel like a lazy mum, bad example to set for my children.

I'm anxious and depressed. i look at others with their families and how they are happy and going out and going away because they can afford to.

Am i crazy for being like this? Am i a lazy person? I had it all planned out, what happened, why have i now fallen like this? I saw a positive future, upgrade my skills, get out there and be something now i cant see it anymore.

I've lost my direction. People have said to give myself time to adjust to having some free time and to take a break and then rethink what i want to do but i'm panicking, like i'm wasting my time and i cant get going. I don't deserve anything i have.

Thanks for reading

cmf x

[CMF]

My daughter and M's son were extremely close but had a fallout cos my daughter is dating his son's friend and his son forbade it. A few weeks ago the boys were hanging out and doing some not good things. the Bf told my daughter that M's son was also participating. I mentioned it to M who says he knew about it but his son did not do anything as he always says he wouldn't despite all his friends doing it. I asked M if he thought his son would tell him if he did participate, he said yes. M has always said that this son is like his mother and would probably cheat on his partner (which his friends also believe he is doing as he is behaving stupidly lately). M asked what i thought. i told him i don't know and i see no reason for his friends to lie about what M's son has been doing. We also no that M like to live in denial, his wife cheated on him several times and one affair for 5 years and M was oblivious. Anyway, my daughter was annoyed that i told M but i pointed out that even though they no longer talk i still have a duty of care. If something were to happen, and his son ended up in hospital, i would feel awful for knowing what he may be doing and not telling M. At least this way i know i have made him aware of what might be going on. I hope m would do the same for me but I'm not sure he would. His attitude is to keep out of things. I might need to bring this up as turning a blind eye, sweeping under the carpet etc is not always a good thing, especially where the safety of our kids is concerned.

I'm really good at creating situations in my mind that may not even happen. Tonight M is going to his son's graduation and ex wife will be there. Will be an interesting night as she is still bitter and M wants to bury the hatchet. I can picture M at the even and sis messaging him, stirring the pot cos we know she likes to have a dig now and then. this aggravates me. Hopefully she will let M enjoy the graduation of his son without interferring and sending her stupid text messages. She seriously needs to move on herself, which I have told M but of course he lets it go.

I guess i'm a little worn out this week

cmf x

[CMF]

Have anxiety again. My teenage d has it really bad. She finished her exams last week and is at a loss. Missing school, her teachers, her friends, playing music. I have anxiety cos there are so many expenses coming up. I keep reminding myself that I work full time now. I'm in a much better situation than I was years ago where lived to the very cent each week.i need to remember that while there are expenses now once paid I'll catchup again . it's just the cycle. I just keep going over and over things, bills, car service, Christmas...I'm always scared I'll run out of money but that is my past life. Single mum. Not working. I'm in a much better place now. Need to remember that. I'm very blessed to have what I have, the Universe has looked after me when I've put things out there.

Just want the anxiety to go away.

Cmf x

[quirkywords]

CMF

I find worrying about bills seems to be with some of us for life. now I am no longer working I worry about things.

I think as long as it does not unduly worry you , making sure bills are paid is a good thing.

I had an ex partner who spent all his money on drink and my money on expensive restaurants with his friends and then said I worried too much when people would ring up demanding he paid his bills.

[CMF]

Thanks Quirky,

My ex used to leave all his bills to the last minute or just pay them all late ie let them accumulate for months then have a heap to pay. I just don't get it.

I had a couple of appointments booked this week but I cancelled one for now as I had anxiety and knew I couldn't do everything. We an also return to the office now. It will be staggered so I've requested from next week or later. I'm a little nervous about that too.

Seeing my teenage daughter with anxiety is breaking my heart. We went to the Dr yesterday and will get some counselling for her. Dr said it's very common for kids to go through this when they finish year 12.

I really hope 2022 brings us some normality and routine.

Cmf x

[Guest_1584]

Hiya cm

your ex sounds like the old me in the bill department. But l've tried really hard this last 12mths to turn a new leaf , first time in my life l've been on top of the bills.

Sorry about your daughter , believe me l know all too well and much much more. My d has slipped back into depression and anxiety, so much has happened for her, poor thing, it's so hard and heartbreaking isn't it. But yeah , same as yours in the regard of what to do which has been going on 19mths for her now.Unfortunately that's only part of things but lt's huge for her nonetheless. She won't see anyone either anymore , not for that or the other issues, but she's put so much pressure on herself with the career side of things.l'm starting to wonder just what they do to them at school these days with them coming out of it like this it's just terrible.

We keep saying , well anything we can think of actually but mainly that it doesn't matter. She can always just get some work and when something comes later on she can lool at course then , or never. You can train and study at any age now and a lot of people have no idea on a direction as yet when we leave school. l wish she'd just take the pressure of herself and not worry.

Weird isn't , some don't have a clue or care , others get like this, really sad.

rx

[CMF]

Omg,had alovely weekend with M but he said something last night that triggered me badly. It brought back something from over 20 years ago. He doesn't know and didn't mean it but I've been anxious all day. I know it will pass but I feel so sick. Isn't to return to the office tomorrow. I hope some normal routine helps.

Cmf x

[CMF]

Incomming rant. I'm very tired haha.

Had another nice evening with M last night. Him, me 2 of our kids, dinner at his...but he just kept mentioning his sis. She picked up a gift for him, she ordered a new Kettle for them, she took his son out for dinner and the renovation show we were watching had a house exactly like hers (had to hear this about 5 times). OMG ,sis,sis, sis. I'm starting to wonder if he can do anything for himself lol. She bought us tickets to a show for Xmas. I asked where it was as I wanted to book dinner. He said he'd ask sis as she knows where everything is. Told him no. He had the tickets with the address,look it up yourself. To top it off, I usually wait for him to call at night cos when I call he's busy. It got late Thursdsy night and I hadn't heard from him so I called. He was still at work cleaning up as they had graduation. He hadn't told me so back into the habit of forgetting to tell me stuff, even though we talk every night. It's no big deal but if he's knows it will be a late one would be nice to tell me. I'm sure I'm worthy of late, I am his partner...or is sis the partner?

[CMF]

Feeling annoyed. Last Saturday M was sleeping over when he got a call to say his son had been in a motorbike accident on a friend's farm and was taken to hospital with a fractured pelvis. M had to leave and we cancelled our Sunday plans as we waited to hear if he could come home or needed surgery. He needed surgery. Last night we were on the phone butas I was taking I could hear him saying yep, yep and trying to hurry me. He wanted to go watch some TV and relax. He messaged me this evening to say his son was home soi called on my way home. He was helping his son shower but we spoke till I realised he wasn't listening. He said he had to go help his son out of the shower. This is fine, I have no issue with it but would have been nice if he called back later. I feel I'm always pushed aside when he's busy but when hes6with me he has time for others. I feel he's too busy for me lately. We have a movie concert this Saturday. I won't bother asking if he's staying over as I'm sure he'll want to go home for his son.

Lucky he has is wifey sis to help out.

[quirkywords]

CMF

I have just caught up on your posts and a lot is happening. I hope Ms son is recovering.
i can see why M wants to help his son but hurrying your call up so he can watch tv is not respectful.

[CMF]

Hi Quirky,

I guess we take the good with bad. Today our kids received their ATAR. My daughter did extremely well, his son not so well. M had tears of joy for my daughter, he was so happy. He and his son came over to celebrate. He picked up a cake and couldn't stop praising my daughter.He is always happy for others. I felt sad for his son but M did sit him down and explain he can feel upset and angry but needs to take responsibility for his results. He procrastinated and avoided study, it was very stressful for M. It was nice they came over to celebrate. Tomorrow M is looking after little miss for me. He does have a generous heart.

Cmf x