Feeling lost and overwhelmed...what happened?

[CMF]

Wow, this was meant to be 'my' year. A new year, a fresh start, a year to focus on what i want to do and where i am headed but i have hit a brick wall and can't break through. Single mum 3 kids. My little one has more kinder sessions so i have 3 days with about 4 hours free. With kids at school/kinder, this was my plan and how i wanted to spend my time i was excited/positive up until last weeks:

Do a few odd jobs around the house, fix a few things, big clean up;

Join a gym, do yoga for relaxation, walk every day - take care of me

Do an online course or some short courses so i can think of going back to work next year when she starts school. I could do something i really enjoy, a new career.

Maybe do some casual work or start a little business from a hobby

How i feel now:

Don't know where to start,anxious, guilty for not doing anything with my free time yet

How will i juggle 2 teenagers and a preppie and work all on my own next year?

If i work next year who will look after the little one on school holidays? I don't want to use school holiday programs when she is in grade prep. The thought makes me sick.

Maybe i should sell the house, just get rid of the mortgage and rent and be free ( i have this thought every month around pmt time) but where would i go and would i be renting forever? I feel overwhelmed with mortgage and bills, just like everyone i guess. Am i running away from responsibility, am i lazy?

I feel i have to be doing something all the time, feel guilty if i take time out (i was fine first week of kinder, this started second week I feel guilty not working, Scared I'll get in trouble for not doing anything yet and for having free time. The course i wanted is too expensive but i can look at other options.

I feel like a lazy mum, bad example to set for my children.

I'm anxious and depressed. i look at others with their families and how they are happy and going out and going away because they can afford to.

Am i crazy for being like this? Am i a lazy person? I had it all planned out, what happened, why have i now fallen like this? I saw a positive future, upgrade my skills, get out there and be something now i cant see it anymore.

I've lost my direction. People have said to give myself time to adjust to having some free time and to take a break and then rethink what i want to do but i'm panicking, like i'm wasting my time and i cant get going. I don't deserve anything i have.

Thanks for reading

cmf x

[CMF]

Hi Quirky,

Yes. It is hard when we feel emotional.

We had a lovely day today. Nice drive & lunch. Great conversation. I brought up sis' bf's comment about not wearing a mask. I started by telling M the bf had upset me. M was shocked and I could tell he was concerned I had felt upset. I told him what happened and that I felt his behaviour was disrespectful, selfish & didn't care about potentially infecting others. It was the way he laughed about not wearing a mask. M agreed. Also mentioned that I didn't like how he upset sis by stirring her up. M agreed he is a big stirrer and goes to far. Doesn't know when to stop. Told M that I just saw another side of the bf that I didn't expect. I also apologised for feeling that way but M said no apology needed. I felt that he sees it too, but it's up to sis to sort it out. It's her bf. I find the bf too much at home which is fine if it's just him & sis but it's M's home too. They seem to have a relationship where they pick at each other. Not long ago I was upset at how sis made fun of him. I guess if they're happy like that it's their business. I worry it may turn to disrespect. Glad M & I aren't like that.

Anyway, more open, honest conversation which is good.

Cmf x

[CMF]

We had a pool day at M"s today. I've had bad anxiety last 2 days. M's friend has a new gf who also cycles & from what M keeps telling me she is amazing. They were there when we arrived. I've met her twice now and get a weird vibe from her. She clearly likes being with the boys talking about cycling. Her and M's friend were sitting together, I was nearby with little miss. M was near me & I started to talk to him about work. He seemed like he didn't want to talk to just me cos he had others there. I've felt this before. M then sat with them. The 3 of them chatting,me the odd one out as usual. I moved away and just sat looking at my phone. Obviously they have lots in common. M even noticed her new cycling shoes. More people arrived, sis' friends. I chatted with one about school as our kids go to school together & I could feel & see sis watching & listening. My anxiety started to kick in bit later & I again moved away . I wanted to go. When we left M walked us out & I told him about how anxious I was and why. I really felt like throwing up. He was understanding,reassuring & comforting. He did make me feel better. We were chatting for a while when surprise, surprise sis comes out to throw rubbish out. I could be wrong but I felt she was checking up on us to see why we were taking so long. She stood at the bin the whole time until I drove off then walked back with M. As I said, could be wrong,but it doesn't take that long to throw rubbish out, she just hung around at the bin. I'm sure she asked what was going on & M filled her in. She does the same when his boys are on the phone with their mother cos they put her on speaker. Sis listens in then reports back to M.

Nice day but not a great day.

Cmf x

[Guest_1584]

Ahhh cm , you've got your house though , that's huge.

Funny reading the other one , one things pretty clear from that sis's stuff is def' sis's stuff. No way she suddenly needed to take rubbish out and the way she stood around .

Very odd sis that one.

rx

[CMF]

Bit anxious lately.

Very annoying 😔

[CMF]

Could be wrong as I often am. M hasn't slept over last few weeks as his son had vce exams. He knew if he wasn't home son would play games all night. He's finished now and has graduation this Friday. M has also been cycling Sunday mornings with his friend & his new gf. As his son has finished and graduation is Friday night I asked M if he wanted to come over Saturday night. He paused and checked the weather. I can't help feeling he checked the weather to see if it was good enough to go cycling with his mates Sunday morning (apparently it raining). He cycles Saturday too and more now we're out of lockdown & into spring. He always hesitates if it's a Saturday sleepover. I asked why he had to check the weather, he said just to see what it's doing but it was right after I suggested coming over. I wasn't suggesting a picnic. Maybe he was checking so we could think about what to do Sunday?

Anyway, I'll have to ask. If 3rd wheeling with his mate & new amazing gf is more important then so be it.

Cmf x

[CMF]

I was wrong. I had told M we need to celebrate our kids finishing school one night. He thought I wanted to do this on Saturday and was checking the weather to see if we could go out. He didn't think I meant to sleep over but we cleared it up and he is.

[Guest_1584]

l wonder if m and sis talk about their relationships , l wonder what sis is thinking about your 3rd wheel.

Such a shame you don't feel more at home with his people him being such a people person. But it's also very understandable yet another miss amazing getting on your nerves . Well she must be single anyway if she's hangin out with a male bike group so she might not be all that amazing between the lines.

ex

[CMF]

Hey rx,

I hardly know the girl. She is M's friends gf. Don't know if he and sis talk about it. I don't think so.

Having a bad week. Lots of training for work for a system that has now been put on hold till next year when we will be busy & trying to learn it. Such a let down. People I work with who are just lazy & incompetent. Colleague whom I feel is trying to hold me back. Still working from home. I'm so agitated. It has been cold & raining so much. 2 nice days then rain, rain, rain. Feel like nothing good is happening.

[Guest_1584]

Oh right well at least she's spoken for then haha.

Sounds nearly as bad as my wk, mth , 3mths actually. l haer ya believe me , feel lik l'll crack up if l'm not careful. nf this weather , l know , thank Gods we at least got a nice few now , can't believe it almost summer. Hope you can find some relief from everything and hope you can let it all out with m . l'm so missing that support .

2 days to go , soon soon.

rx

[CMF]

Yeah, been a crazy week & I'm getting cranky with M...just cos I do. I'm trying to be aware of it though as he hasn't done anything wrong.

TGIF

CMF X