Feeling lost and overwhelmed...what happened?
Wow, this was meant to be 'my' year. A new year, a fresh start, a year to focus on what i want to do and where i am headed but i have hit a brick wall and can't break through. Single mum 3 kids. My little one has more kinder sessions so i have 3 days with about 4 hours free. With kids at school/kinder, this was my plan and how i wanted to spend my time i was excited/positive up until last weeks:
Do a few odd jobs around the house, fix a few things, big clean up;
Join a gym, do yoga for relaxation, walk every day - take care of me
Do an online course or some short courses so i can think of going back to work next year when she starts school. I could do something i really enjoy, a new career.
Maybe do some casual work or start a little business from a hobby
How i feel now:
Don't know where to start,anxious, guilty for not doing anything with my free time yet
How will i juggle 2 teenagers and a preppie and work all on my own next year?
If i work next year who will look after the little one on school holidays? I don't want to use school holiday programs when she is in grade prep. The thought makes me sick.
Maybe i should sell the house, just get rid of the mortgage and rent and be free ( i have this thought every month around pmt time) but where would i go and would i be renting forever? I feel overwhelmed with mortgage and bills, just like everyone i guess. Am i running away from responsibility, am i lazy?
I feel i have to be doing something all the time, feel guilty if i take time out (i was fine first week of kinder, this started second week I feel guilty not working, Scared I'll get in trouble for not doing anything yet and for having free time. The course i wanted is too expensive but i can look at other options.
I feel like a lazy mum, bad example to set for my children.
I'm anxious and depressed. i look at others with their families and how they are happy and going out and going away because they can afford to.
Am i crazy for being like this? Am i a lazy person? I had it all planned out, what happened, why have i now fallen like this? I saw a positive future, upgrade my skills, get out there and be something now i cant see it anymore.
I've lost my direction. People have said to give myself time to adjust to having some free time and to take a break and then rethink what i want to do but i'm panicking, like i'm wasting my time and i cant get going. I don't deserve anything i have.
Thanks for reading
I've was crying all night. So upset about an argument with my older daughter few days ago. She's gone to stay at her dad's. It's her 18th this Friday. This lockfown is taking such a toll. I'm heartbroken. I've messaged her to apologise.
M was supportive today as I cried. He doesn't do well with tears but he listened, he validated my feelings, he was understanding.
It was nice.
I'm so done. I'm so tired. I'm so sick of how we have to live. I'm exhausted with work, life. Covid. Had an argument with daughter again tonight. I've been patient all week. She leaves dishes everywhere. Is moody, annoys little miss. I booked her for AZ but her dad is pushing her to get Pfizer. He booked her in at Sheparton! That's a couple of hours away and a Covid hotspot. Crazy. We got an email from school, she has assessments next week and must have Covid test before attending. Today is M and my 3rd anniversary helps. Owing over to celebrate but BOOM! It all fell apart. I was busy with work, flowers arrived from him AND at same time got a msg to say im a tier 2 contact must get tested and isolate immediately. I emailed work tried to locate testing site & rushed out before they closed. M called. I ranted about everything. Pouring rain, they refused as too full went to a walk on clinic. Closed.. frustrated, angry. Told daughter her bf cannot come over and cancelled with M. Got home told daughter well both go in the morning. She cracked it, too early, didn't want to get vaxed on her own do asked her dad to take her then telling me pfizer better for her. I cancelled it. She sat in her room in the dark, everytime I went in to talk to her she snapped. Came out for dinner tried to email testing tines she kept snapping then stormed off. I lost it again. Told her I'm trying to help her. Trying to be patient but I'm not a door mat. She needs to look at how she speaks to me. M didn't call again. Just bloody text messages. Why is he never supportive or understanding when I need it? Yet he feels for others struggling but tells me we need to soldier on.
I'm so tired. Mentally, emotionally so exhausted 😢
Damn what a run you've had then eh. And there's nothing worse is there when on something like a Fridy late arvo you rush out and go to all that trouble , in the rain , tired , had enough, trying to do the right thing and what do you get.
Kids can be so hard can't they , ex and l only yesterday we just having a chuckle and thanking the Gods we only had one. But why on earth would he send her to Sheparton of all places right now . But yeah , whata yr of this crazy bs , and l suppose your d must've had her share too trying to finish school in this mess. Sorry you've been having a few run ins too , my d and l had a big fight the other day too. l was that pissed off at her she's a good hearted girl but so lazy and sloppy as hell round the house just leaves crap all over the place and my God it just wears you out not only living with it but having to be on their case about it every damn day too doesn't it, or this , or that, or something else.
lt's been an exhausting crazy bloody yr though alright that is for sure. l feel like l'm going half mad at this stage with everything else that's happened on top of it. But l really feel for the parents like yourself too having to switch to working at home, kids being home and some how managing all that and schooling too, must be a nightmare.
We're about 3yrs too but as you know a bit up in the air so there's been no anniversary with the situation and her being up there we weren't too worried or fussed she was much the same as me about it.
Anyway hope the wkend improves for ya .
I was so happy to see your reply cos I feel do lonely. I called M cos I was so upset about d. Could hear sis in background of course then heard her and bf say goodnight. I know M was looking forward to a nice evening but I guess life is full of disappointments. How many times have I been disapointed/interrupted by her. How many times have I had to suck it up? Oh that's right, for 3 years. Haha don't feel so bad now.
Yeah, we are working, schooling, living all in the same space every single day. No break. Although older d is in her room most of the time,but still, work/home/school is all one space.
I'm so defeated.
Ah pleasure em .
Was nice to see you around ut yeah shame it wasn't a better situation eh.
But oh man l could just imagine , and the same space thing. My d's been sleeping bc she's home so much so that's really helped her moods. But l work at home to so ad in all her mess and here 24 7, ummmm, it ain't exactly helping right now. Poor buggers had a helluva run though too last 18mths and now she hasn't even got a car, gotta try and find more patients. Story of a parents life eh. Could only imagine how it must've been for you and now with a few tangles thrown into the mix .
You are right though it is and you've sure been patient with that bloody sis of his , and him to actually.
Hope for some wkend reprieve eh.
We got my d another car this wk but it will take a few wks to get it here and rwc and what have you , but hopefully things my end in that department will get a bit easier.