Feeling lost and overwhelmed...what happened?

[CMF]

Wow, this was meant to be 'my' year. A new year, a fresh start, a year to focus on what i want to do and where i am headed but i have hit a brick wall and can't break through. Single mum 3 kids. My little one has more kinder sessions so i have 3 days with about 4 hours free. With kids at school/kinder, this was my plan and how i wanted to spend my time i was excited/positive up until last weeks:

Do a few odd jobs around the house, fix a few things, big clean up;

Join a gym, do yoga for relaxation, walk every day - take care of me

Do an online course or some short courses so i can think of going back to work next year when she starts school. I could do something i really enjoy, a new career.

Maybe do some casual work or start a little business from a hobby

How i feel now:

Don't know where to start,anxious, guilty for not doing anything with my free time yet

How will i juggle 2 teenagers and a preppie and work all on my own next year?

If i work next year who will look after the little one on school holidays? I don't want to use school holiday programs when she is in grade prep. The thought makes me sick.

Maybe i should sell the house, just get rid of the mortgage and rent and be free ( i have this thought every month around pmt time) but where would i go and would i be renting forever? I feel overwhelmed with mortgage and bills, just like everyone i guess. Am i running away from responsibility, am i lazy?

I feel i have to be doing something all the time, feel guilty if i take time out (i was fine first week of kinder, this started second week I feel guilty not working, Scared I'll get in trouble for not doing anything yet and for having free time. The course i wanted is too expensive but i can look at other options.

I feel like a lazy mum, bad example to set for my children.

I'm anxious and depressed. i look at others with their families and how they are happy and going out and going away because they can afford to.

Am i crazy for being like this? Am i a lazy person? I had it all planned out, what happened, why have i now fallen like this? I saw a positive future, upgrade my skills, get out there and be something now i cant see it anymore.

I've lost my direction. People have said to give myself time to adjust to having some free time and to take a break and then rethink what i want to do but i'm panicking, like i'm wasting my time and i cant get going. I don't deserve anything i have.

Thanks for reading

cmf x

[CMF]

Felt bad so we dropped in for coffee & cake after the Dr. We sat and I could see the fun they have. She's had the week off and been cooking all week for them, they watch shows together. M & her bf going to her body building comp this Saturday morning. I knew it was on, they know I'm not into it but M said nothing about going. I sit alone every night but he s being fed and having fun. She's got her bf and her brother. I have no one. When I left he showed me his new concrete/drive house front. It looks great but made it more apparent he won't be moving from there in a hurry. So where does that leave me? Us? He has so much fun with them during the week he doesn't think or care that I'm alone. During 1 argument he said he can't fill the void for me but that's not what I want. I want him to want to be with me.

I'm so sad and confused. He calls me bella but he calls his sis that too so it means nothing. I sensed he was peeved at me when I got there, don't think he asked about my ear but the others did, I can't remember. Everyone else showed concern he just said 'look after that ear when I left. He went into the kitchen to do I don't know what, hang around with his sis and mum. Sis offered me food as I hadn't eaten but I didn't feel hungry and I heard him say ' 'no she doesn't eat anything' which is crap. I just don't eating too late and sometimes don't eat when on my own, just have a snack. His sis body buildings diet requires her to not eat much and dehydrate last 3 days. I don't hear him criticize her. We finished off in a better mood but I came home so sad, just knowing how much time they spend together and how little we spend. He did say from next Tuesday there will be somewhere for me to park my car ie the new concrete. I'm sure there won't be as sis bf will be there. He always manages to squeeze in a bike ride, why can't he squeeze in time for me. Will I always come 3rd or 4th ?

I feel sick and sad.

[Guest_1584]

Ahh cm cm , sorry for the sad.

Your not crazy any woman would be feeling all the same unless she just happened to love the happy threesome too. Unfortunately he does , she does , bf does , it'd be nice to have really except, well not eveyone else is gonna feel the same hey.The 5hrs thing though is ridiculous that should be days not hrs,

He's feeling the strain too. Buttt, it's what getting to know each others and seeing how you both fit is what times all about l suppose yeah.

[CMF]

This started last weekend. Last Friday night we didn't catch up cos he had something at work. He was gonna come past Saturday night after we went to Mass, we were having dinner after Mass. He w went for a ride and dropped in around 4 for a cuppa. I asked if he wanted to come have dinner later, he declined. Who passed up an opportunity to have dinner with their partner. Only my kids and I were home. If his sis wasn't there and he asked me for dinner I'd jump at it. When I messaged goodnight he commented about the footy. I asked if that's why he declined dinner, he said no. I just don't get it. I made heaps. It hurts, especially after hearing tonight about all the cooking his sis did by his week for them. Is my cooking not good enough?

[Guest_1584]

Nah it's not the cooking he just wants to get home to his threesome, go figure , l'd have jumped at it too.

[CMF]

I don't know if the others were even home. It was cold but still...

He said he wants me to help choose plants for the new front garden beds. I'm sure if sis gets wind of it shell5be all over it and she'll go out and buy them. God forbid he let me choose them.

[Guest_1584]

Yeah , or l suppose just get home or something who knows. But Gees , all l can say is no wonder my partners have always been weird about my sisters bc guess what , l've got 6 of them. Yep , 6 !

lt'd be really nice for you guys to do things like the garden or anything like that together, it's so couplish isn;t it stuff like that.

Anyway , have a nice sleep hey.

[CMF]

Not much sleep.

I know you have 6 sisters, but at least they don't live with you.

He knows I'm off but won't ask. Just ignore, it'll go away. I mean, there's nothing he can do about anything, what's the solution?

Few weeks ago I couldn't find tissues there. He said to me, sorry honey, it's not like your place , sis said sorry, I try. So seems he tells her all i say thats meant yo be kept personal. All I hear is where sis and bf are going, what they're doing. Why would I care about that. Het bf is so nice. He hugged me. Asked how older daughter is, told me to look after myself. M didn't do any of that. I know, he feels the tension but it's caused by the way he is.

I'm so agitated . Wanna crawl under a rock. Our lives are so different, family set up, support. We're on 2 different sides of a fence.

[CMF]

Sent usual Goodmorning texts. Didn't ask how my ear is. I'm sure he'll check on the concrete though. He's always been likr this, comes across insensitive if anyone's struggling with anything. He doesn't know how to react. I had to pull him up on it once. Tell him what I'd do. Guess a leopard doesn't change it's spots.

[CMF]

Trying to be positive. I have annoying habits too, he NEVER complains. Wish he would sometimes so I can improve myself. I once had to push him to tell me something that annoys him about me. Otherwise I just feel I'm picking all the time.

[Guest_1584]

Well that was nice to hear , someone actually remembers something you say in a forum , the sisters l mean. Most forums you could be in 20yrs and still having to tell the same stuff over.

So what are we gonna do with you then eh anyway. l'd suggest or say this or that hope it doesn't appear some sweeping from me too butttttt, we know by now we won't change the m man sooooo, it's a toughy. And we know it all comes down to how much you have left in the tank now to go on trying to train him , except him, or depart . And that sis probably isn't going anywhere anytime soon and even if she does it'll probably be 2 doors down and m will always be m and in her life and vise versa with sis, bf to by the sounds now.

lt's a real rock and hard place for you sorry to say but you know all that anyway l know , so l'm not much help l'm afraid at this stage. Sorry it's all becoming so draining and disappointing , me l think l'll just turn monk haha, seems like the smartest solution for me at this stage.

rx , with a big hug.