Feeling lost and overwhelmed...what happened?

[CMF]

Wow, this was meant to be 'my' year. A new year, a fresh start, a year to focus on what i want to do and where i am headed but i have hit a brick wall and can't break through. Single mum 3 kids. My little one has more kinder sessions so i have 3 days with about 4 hours free. With kids at school/kinder, this was my plan and how i wanted to spend my time i was excited/positive up until last weeks:

Do a few odd jobs around the house, fix a few things, big clean up;

Join a gym, do yoga for relaxation, walk every day - take care of me

Do an online course or some short courses so i can think of going back to work next year when she starts school. I could do something i really enjoy, a new career.

Maybe do some casual work or start a little business from a hobby

How i feel now:

Don't know where to start,anxious, guilty for not doing anything with my free time yet

How will i juggle 2 teenagers and a preppie and work all on my own next year?

If i work next year who will look after the little one on school holidays? I don't want to use school holiday programs when she is in grade prep. The thought makes me sick.

Maybe i should sell the house, just get rid of the mortgage and rent and be free ( i have this thought every month around pmt time) but where would i go and would i be renting forever? I feel overwhelmed with mortgage and bills, just like everyone i guess. Am i running away from responsibility, am i lazy?

I feel i have to be doing something all the time, feel guilty if i take time out (i was fine first week of kinder, this started second week I feel guilty not working, Scared I'll get in trouble for not doing anything yet and for having free time. The course i wanted is too expensive but i can look at other options.

I feel like a lazy mum, bad example to set for my children.

I'm anxious and depressed. i look at others with their families and how they are happy and going out and going away because they can afford to.

Am i crazy for being like this? Am i a lazy person? I had it all planned out, what happened, why have i now fallen like this? I saw a positive future, upgrade my skills, get out there and be something now i cant see it anymore.

I've lost my direction. People have said to give myself time to adjust to having some free time and to take a break and then rethink what i want to do but i'm panicking, like i'm wasting my time and i cant get going. I don't deserve anything i have.

Thanks for reading

cmf x

[CMF]

Slow fade...that's the term I was looking for. I don't know for sure if that's why he calls on the way home, could be cos he knows ive had a tough day and cares but he always calls when close to home. Maybe doesn't want to be on the phone too long? Strange. When he has his appt at his sis clinic after work he doesn't call on way there. Might stop taking the call and call him back later...on my terms.

He does have thoughts about the future, we never have enough time together to talk about it and I don't want to get there to find it won't work. I do want to be seen, heard, understood. I've told him a few times i can see the bf moving in there before she moves out. Her place should be free in October although M said when her tenants lease is up for renewal she's gonna move it to another agent. That means another year but I'm sure shed be wanting to shack up with the bf, after all she's 41 and wants kids. Wouldn't surprise me if she did all that at M's after all it's her house too. If she's not gone in October I will be. It will be 3 years of this BS. If I told him he'd say ' what's the solution. Cop out. He'd never stand up to her, she owns him now.I'd be the one to go. I am easy going but I'm not gonna sit back and just be walked all over by them. Don't know what to do about the bday tomorrow.

I'm sorry about your situation. Seems you've hung on long enough & the uncertainty makes it so hard. I really get that. Pros & cons I guess. Slow fade, happiness. Gotta weigh it all up.

Cmf x

[quirkywords]

CMF

will you tel| what you will do in October if his sister is still living with him or do you feel you have discussed it enough already with him?

[Guest_1584]

Really feel for ya cm , there just shouldn't be all that crap involved your future together .

Mind you , my situation is just as up in the air.

[CMF]

Hi Quirky,

I'd like to ask if he thinks she'll move out. In fact I think I'll bring it up, see where things are at. Not cos I wanna move in, just cos I don't want her in my face another year. He doesn't see the issue, just laughs and says 'what's the solution?'. She owns him. I need to start getting the feelers out.

Hey rx,

I'm glad you can see it too. Doesn't matter how nice she is, it's crap. As I said, don't even know what it's like to be 'us'. Will she be dropping in all the time? Will she still be texting when we're out on a Sunday?

He's very excited about his new concrete. Told him he'll never want to move (hint, hint) He sort of hesitated then said he's excited it won't be muddy this winter. Im feeling better today but was flat on the phone not much to say. I've ranted about work last 2 days, he didn't ask tonight. He asked what's wrong, said I sounded bored. Told him I'm bored every night (hint, hint,). He said it's good to be bored, chilling in front of tv. How would he know? Guess it's good when you don't have to do it every single night. We'll go to the bday tomorrow, he said hopefully I won't be bored tomorrow night. He has no idea.funny how he s a big believer of speaking up. Doing/saying something to change situations that cause unhappiness, like at work, yet when I've told him how his situation affects me (many times) he laughs it off. 'Ignorance is bliss' he says.

It's bliss until it ruins a relationship. Bit like his marriage perhaps 😔

[Guest_1584]

Yeah he certainly likes to see no evil speak no evil doesn't he. l really don't envy ya but then l don't myself either right now so there we go don't worry. But yaknow , she is nice and very good to you the rest is just sounds like her just being her don't think there's any bad intent, maybe she's American , over share deluxe haha. lt is a bloody tricky one though owning half the house to boot.

He is at least picking up the changes between you two though , dunno if he wants to know though.

[CMF]

He doesn't want to know. If he did there would be acknowledgment, discussions, reassurance but I'm left hanging every time. I love that he is always positive but ignorance, sweeping under the carpet (his words)...painful for me but that's his style.

Doesn't matter how nice she is, she's impacting on us/me. I'm am in such a better mood when she's not around. When she's there I fade into the background, say nothing. No point cos she'll listen in, interrupt, change subject to her, takeover.

I think I'm worried that she'll always be glued to him, even when she moves out. She lives attention from anywhere. I don't know what they were like before, if she's become like this since his wife cheated and left. I know she helped with the kids a lot but did she always text him, drop in and need his attention.

See, I don't really know what I'm get when she's gone. Is it gonna be worth the wait. I have no doubt how much he loves me...but still...

His Mum has no respect for our time, even said it to u s once, but sis...all about her

[CMF]

Correction...His Mum has MORE respect for our time. She's a sweetheart.

[CMF]

Now that they've done this work on the house & he s talking solar panels I'd like to know where he sees our future. I'd like to know what he thinks is great about US.

I know he won't be able to answer. If he asked me questions it would put doubt in my mind but it won't for him cos 'ignorance is bliss '. Ignore it, it'll go away.

Yep, ignore me and I'll go away.

[Guest_1584]

God yeah he's a sweeper alright.

l think he hopes to stay in that house tbh, he's just still sweeping.

But your frustrations and questions and wanna knows , needs too , are all 300% legit , l hear myself and my sitch in it all so much too, damn it.But yeah he does love ya for sure , but he's also just bamboozled.

Gotta run for now but have a good day anyway hey , well try too.

rx

[CMF]

Decided not to go to the bday. Can't handle them. It's too much. I'm also pretty sure I have an ear infection . Pain in my ear for 2 days now and too busy at work to take a day off so I'm sitting at the Dr as we speak.

Told M. All I got was 'fair enough 😥