Feeling lost and overwhelmed...what happened?

[CMF]

Wow, this was meant to be 'my' year. A new year, a fresh start, a year to focus on what i want to do and where i am headed but i have hit a brick wall and can't break through. Single mum 3 kids. My little one has more kinder sessions so i have 3 days with about 4 hours free. With kids at school/kinder, this was my plan and how i wanted to spend my time i was excited/positive up until last weeks:

Do a few odd jobs around the house, fix a few things, big clean up;

Join a gym, do yoga for relaxation, walk every day - take care of me

Do an online course or some short courses so i can think of going back to work next year when she starts school. I could do something i really enjoy, a new career.

Maybe do some casual work or start a little business from a hobby

How i feel now:

Don't know where to start,anxious, guilty for not doing anything with my free time yet

How will i juggle 2 teenagers and a preppie and work all on my own next year?

If i work next year who will look after the little one on school holidays? I don't want to use school holiday programs when she is in grade prep. The thought makes me sick.

Maybe i should sell the house, just get rid of the mortgage and rent and be free ( i have this thought every month around pmt time) but where would i go and would i be renting forever? I feel overwhelmed with mortgage and bills, just like everyone i guess. Am i running away from responsibility, am i lazy?

I feel i have to be doing something all the time, feel guilty if i take time out (i was fine first week of kinder, this started second week I feel guilty not working, Scared I'll get in trouble for not doing anything yet and for having free time. The course i wanted is too expensive but i can look at other options.

I feel like a lazy mum, bad example to set for my children.

I'm anxious and depressed. i look at others with their families and how they are happy and going out and going away because they can afford to.

Am i crazy for being like this? Am i a lazy person? I had it all planned out, what happened, why have i now fallen like this? I saw a positive future, upgrade my skills, get out there and be something now i cant see it anymore.

I've lost my direction. People have said to give myself time to adjust to having some free time and to take a break and then rethink what i want to do but i'm panicking, like i'm wasting my time and i cant get going. I don't deserve anything i have.

Thanks for reading

cmf x

[CMF]

Today the subject of solar panels came up. M mentioned that the roof above his sister's room is perfect and they can have enough panels that they won't have a bill to pay.

Yep, he's not planning n moving anywhere.

[Guest_1584]

Just talk about all that stuff cm , find out what his ides are for you and him , where and which house and all.

We've been talking about it 12mths , one thing we def' want is a bit warmer and steadier climate than where l am.

[CMF]

Hey rx,

We have spoken. We both agree that when our kids finish yr12 this year we can start to explore options. Neither one of us has a big enough house for us and our kids, but with all the improvements going on at his place I can't see him wanting to move. We have joked about living in a big house near his area, but why spend all that money on home improvements unless you wanna be there long term? Next time I may just tell him I'm sure he'll be happy there for a very long time. I did ask once how it would work seeing as his sis owns 1/2, he mentioned a way he could have the house back in just his name. Even so, she wants to build her dream home where the family home is...3 doors down. No thanks. I know I overthink, he doesnt think about things at all. You're right though, I'll just have to bring it up. Funny thing is, I don't even know if I want to live together anymore. Is that normal? Our whole relationship his sis has lived there (moved in 1 month after we got together) so I feel I've lost interest in the idea cos I'm so over it. Feel we're just going thru the motions, not growing. Talk about same crap every day, go out on a Sunday. I have no idea what he'd be like to live with. I don't even feel at home there anymore, but her bf is. I exclude myself, leave early when they're there. I just really over it. No matter how wonderful he is, I'm sick of it. I tell him,he brushes it off. I don't even know if I care. I feel myself feeling bored and extracting myself at times, sometimes purposely not doing things and disagreeing just to be not like them.

[Guest_1584]

That's funny but not funny l know but l'd do exactly the same just to be different too,.

Anyway though yeah right , l can well understand then in that case. Probably not even worth worrying about right now then hey. Roll along for now and see how your feeling more first of all then l guess . No use worrying about cart before the horse for awhile hey.

l feel for ya though l mean unless l actually just happened to really like everyone else and fitted in and really liked being around them , which would be a million to one shot anyway for me , like my privacy and "our" time too much , treasure it, l'd be exactly the same.

[CMF]

funny but not funny...hehehe i like that 🙂

Yeah, I don't know why it's all bothering me. I really think i am just soooooo over he arrangement he has cos i can't even drop in there and relax. There are too many people in this relationship. He just doesn't think about things so what is the point of us? I'm so over it i and not sure what it will be like to live together that i don't know if i'd want to. I really have no idea how we would live together. Maybe his sis will live in his house and we will rent somewhere? she's taken over anyway. Then again, what do i do with my place. I noticed yesterday how gidy his bedroom is. the bed is always ade, i is clean yet the rest of ghe house has crap everywhere...all hers. If he's talking about solar panels and having no bill to pay he's clearly thinking long term. He likes people around, i like peace and quiet, wold we even get along or would i hate it? This is the thing, i sill have no idea. His sis and bf have been together just over 6 months and have really gotten to know each other cos they are together all the time, M and i get about 5 hours a week...and still interruptions form her.

Figgin over it. Nothing to be excited about. Not sure this is how it should be. This Thursday we are invited her for dinner for her bf's covid 40th bday (41). He has no family here, I don't see my family either but they didn't do that for my bday. I guess they did all come to my place, then again, he practically lives there, Thursday noght must be his night to sleep there. Whatever. he said part of the reason he quit uni was to make more time for us, he could pop over during the week. Hasn't done it once. Having too much fun with sis and her bf i guess.

i was so down last night and so flat today. i just don't care anymore.

feel like telling him i'm over it.

[CMF]

So sick of trying to get people to to understand. At work imconstantly sending things back to people cos they're not filled out correctly. I've mentioned things to M several times but it goes unheard. I don't want to go for dinner Thursday. He s more part of the family than I am. I'm slowly fading away. Make less effort cos of the set up. Feeling I can't see us progressing. M's cycling seems to be his priority. Always has to get a ride in at every chance.i just get Sunday...after a ride.

Hating everything at the moment. Feel miserable. Don't know why I bother. I might make an excuse for Thursday night. I don't need to be there while they celebrate and drink. I'd rather curl up in front of the tv alone like every other night.

I might just fade out...

[Guest_1584]

We really need that coffee.

l'm feeling much the same , feel so lost since we started having this break thing. lt's like first l had a future and now l don't , or l at least don't have a bloody clue now that much l can say for sure .

Anyway , cm , don't be so hard on yourself about all this m stuff , yaknow. There aren't too many people that could fit into such a friendy friendy type thing. Although a lot of couples are pretty social l guess but l dunno about an ongoing 24 7 threesome like that and especially not the sis so in your face , reckon that'd push the best of them too far. And 5hrs a wk , nahhh, no wonder your feeling the things you are with it.

Me personally , l use to party up , too much if anything , never day in and out socially though just spats . And l still needed far far more me time than anyone l know so when l was done l was really really done. But these days , well apart from living in the deadest town in the world anyway , l love our us time and me time and l keep what people are around at a real distance - probably why there's no one around anymore haha. The few that are are well trained. Thing is , gf is exactly the same and it's one thing l hugely treasure about us if anything she's even more so than l am if that's even possible..

But she is just naturally like that as l am myself , but m , l know your getting fed up with it but he just isn't . Some people known a few , they just can't exist without other people everywhere , they don't even seem to need us time or me time, it always just amazes me but that seems to just be how they are. ln a way and l know you don't wanna deal with it right now and fair enough , but it'd be really helpful to know just how he sees life for you two in the future.

Anyway , sorry not much help. But big hugs . rx.

[CMF]

Thanks rx

You were a big help cos you undetstand. He would say he sees us together in a big house with our kids. When we're old and they move we'd still have a family lunch/dinner every weekend. If I ask how/where he thinks we'd live he wouldn't know. He wants new bedroom furniture but is waiting till we live together so I can choose it cos he likes my taste. Says he'd leave the interior decorating of the house to me. He has plans but doesn't know how/where. I've to l d I can't see it. I can't see anything till she moves out cos I can't see what 'us' is anymore. I'm a big thinker, he isn't. Have an issue at work, he asks how I'm going to fix it whereas vice versa I'd help find a solution. He thinks things but not how. We're very opposite and it's becoming very apparent.

[CMF]

M sometimes calls me on our way home from work. It annoys me cos it probably means he is too busy at night to call me - a show to watch, sis and her bf there, too much fun to be had.

Whatever.

[Guest_1584]

Haaa that's funny , sorry cm , wonder if he knows your onto his little trick. But of course it's not funny at all either and you want real , and time, l know.

Well he's half thought about the future anyway but again l know . Sis will be gone soon enough though surely , well unless they all decide to shack up together , sorry , but it wouldn't surprise me . Can't believe sis just dumps one 10yr guy and just struts herself straight of into that a few mths later, l mean it sounds like it's gonna end up a keeper too.

lt can be so damn frustrating that need , to feel real , seen, known ,understood, l know.

Well it wouldn't surprise me if we're kaput at my end, she's acting so strangely. lf l didn't know better or be told better you could say , like only a few wks ago she loves me as she does her own son and she has never felt like that , ever. Yettttt, it's almost like l';m getting the slow fade lately. lf we do talk or message it's very short and not so sweet, and yesterday she didn't even answer until late last night , first time ever.lf she had the time and mental capacity right now l'd swear she was seeing someone else and politely fading me out , but l don't see how that would even be possible.

Sooooo, maybe big turning points for me too , just don't know. But l do know how your feeling . rx