Feeling lost and overwhelmed...what happened?

[CMF]

Wow, this was meant to be 'my' year. A new year, a fresh start, a year to focus on what i want to do and where i am headed but i have hit a brick wall and can't break through. Single mum 3 kids. My little one has more kinder sessions so i have 3 days with about 4 hours free. With kids at school/kinder, this was my plan and how i wanted to spend my time i was excited/positive up until last weeks:

Do a few odd jobs around the house, fix a few things, big clean up;

Join a gym, do yoga for relaxation, walk every day - take care of me

Do an online course or some short courses so i can think of going back to work next year when she starts school. I could do something i really enjoy, a new career.

Maybe do some casual work or start a little business from a hobby

How i feel now:

Don't know where to start,anxious, guilty for not doing anything with my free time yet

How will i juggle 2 teenagers and a preppie and work all on my own next year?

If i work next year who will look after the little one on school holidays? I don't want to use school holiday programs when she is in grade prep. The thought makes me sick.

Maybe i should sell the house, just get rid of the mortgage and rent and be free ( i have this thought every month around pmt time) but where would i go and would i be renting forever? I feel overwhelmed with mortgage and bills, just like everyone i guess. Am i running away from responsibility, am i lazy?

I feel i have to be doing something all the time, feel guilty if i take time out (i was fine first week of kinder, this started second week I feel guilty not working, Scared I'll get in trouble for not doing anything yet and for having free time. The course i wanted is too expensive but i can look at other options.

I feel like a lazy mum, bad example to set for my children.

I'm anxious and depressed. i look at others with their families and how they are happy and going out and going away because they can afford to.

Am i crazy for being like this? Am i a lazy person? I had it all planned out, what happened, why have i now fallen like this? I saw a positive future, upgrade my skills, get out there and be something now i cant see it anymore.

I've lost my direction. People have said to give myself time to adjust to having some free time and to take a break and then rethink what i want to do but i'm panicking, like i'm wasting my time and i cant get going. I don't deserve anything i have.

Thanks for reading

cmf x

[CMF]

I'd like to accept as he is a great person. Tonight is dinner at mine. If my daughter's busy his son doesn't usually come, even though he s always welcome. Tonight my daughter's home but needs to study so will retreat to her room. Told M, sort of hoping his son wouldn't come just so we could have some time but alas, he is coming. I feel disappointed but then again I hope it's cos M feels normal. Here's the thing. If he thought we had issues would he discuss with me or just break up? I think he really just accepts me faults and all. I hope they don't eat and leave early, hope we can watch some footy. I'll be peeved if they leave early although that's what I do if his sis is there. I use the excuse if getting little miss home. So I really shouldn't complain cos I do it. Look at me, thinking he's bringing his son to leave early when my daughter studies. Not very nice of me at all. He s song is coming cos I invited him, we have great conversation. Looks like sis has house to herself. Of course, she gets every thing.

[Guest_1584]

Haaa, that's great , have a nice night hey.

Don't think he'd discuss them unless you prodded him too , don't think he'd break up either he'd probably just out up with it at this stage by the m sounds.

You enjoy eh.

[CMF]

Lovely night. M's son had something on later so I thought m was gonna leave early to take him and go home. I was getting edgy. Straight out asked 'are you gonna go?' he said only to drop him off and come back. I was upbeat all night, got rid of the negative mood. We watched footy, relaxed. His boys have something on tomorrow so I invited him for dinner but they are having pizza cos sis wants to eat after her comp. He invited us there. He's taking sis to her comp as bf is working...interesting. thought he'd be there to watch, the rest of us have been spared. I joked that he'll miss his bike ride, he said he'll squeeze 1 in lol. Sunday we have nothing on for a change. Day for us...finally. time to reconnect. Can't wait. He really doesn't do anything bad to me.. We're both tired after work and kids with homework. I'm not peeved that he doesn't come over, I'm peeved/jealous that they're with him. I create drama that doesn't exist. I know that. I leave early, he doesn't do that. He drops in sometimes when he's riding. That's thoughtful. Ok, he may lack sensitivity,but he admits it and he's same with others but he has tried to be aware if I remind him. We didnt catch and up last Friday but he called Saturday morning and came by in the arvo. I know I have high expectations of others, it's why I get disappointed. I need to drop that. None of this stuff bothered me in the past, it's just been a long time now. Maybe I should ask him to start sleeping here sometimes? I want to take sis some flowers tomorrow night, congratulate her for her effort. She cares for me, prepared me a plate of food last night, is generous with gifts & other things. I don't want to feel how i do & know it's caused lack of time together. Only I can change that.

[CMF]

Ok, my doubts and negative thinking starting up. I invited M for dinner tonight but he, sis & bf had plans for pizza cos that's what she wants after her comp after 3days of starving herself. Therefore he said I should go there for pizza. I said yes but doubt creeping in. He had specific plans with them, I'm only now included cos I invited him here. Awkward. Clearly the threesome have a bond, no one 3rd wheeling, so I feel crap again is it my mind just playing games with me?

Am I causing a drama and excluding myself for no reason? I feel anxious. We don't normally do anything on a Saturday so what's the big deal?

Oh I don't know.

[CMF]

Ok. So she got a 2nd place medal. Photos on FB. One of her & M, her in her 2 piece outfit, his arm around her hip almost on her back side. Maybe he didn't want to touch bare skin.

I could be over reacting but first thing I noticed is where his hand was. Creepy 🙁

[Guest_1584]

Ahhh cm cm.

l can easily understand the first post there and realizing the tings you did about sis and m and the good will. l mean ok me me but she does have a good heart too

But l can well understand the next one too bc it is a weird situation between them all especially with m not even kinda realizing it , well now that you've pointed things out 2000 times he's kinda aware but only just. And it keeps going back to them anyway. Not too many women wouldn't have problems with all that and it taking all your time away from you two. They've even said here through your thread. Unless you just happened like bf , to just fit it all , and he's right there she's right there so they lose no time together anyway .

The photos yeah l can well see , l'm far from a prude and eh l dunno if l mentioned it but would you believe l have 6 sisters , sorry , couldn't resist . but l'd feel very weird touching any of them anywhere in a bikini , especially some tiny briefy body building thing , don't even wanna think about that one.

l think everything your on about if perfectly understandable myself.

[CMF]

Lovely day with M. Alone time, lunch, movie. As I was waiting for him to come over I was just overthinking every thing. At I dinner last night her and bf were chatting about their plans today. No one looming, l listening, butting in. Today she had a post comp photo shoot. She had ti6send photos to M straight away whilst we were having lunch. Couldn't wait till tonight. I asked if he thought they'd move in together soon. He thought I meant his place and said no idea, may be, but it will be into her place. Obviously, I told him. I pointed out her tenants lease will be up early October , he said it's end of September. That was it. Nothing else said, next topic. Oh well. He said it was a great weekend, Friday, Saturday, Sunday and we're out tomorrow night too with our kids. Looking forward to that.

Oh well. I'm just a bit tired.

[CMF]

Well, if the sis and bf aren't enough, M's son has asked if his gf can move in for a while as she is not getting along with her parents and can't handle it anymore. They were together for a couple of months, split, he sleazed onto my daughter's friend when he started seeing his gf again and now they love each other. She's 20. I'm starting to lose it.I told m it's not my business but it won't be short term. What is 'short term'? If she doesn't get along with her parents it's not gonna change. M told his son he has to think about it and of course talk to his sis as she own the house too. I told M everyone will be living there except me. He asked what i meant, who else is living there. Told him again i'm sure sis' bf will probably move in and he said no, he thinks they'd prefer to live on their own...he THINKS. As soon as he finished saying that he laughed that maybe the bf will move in as he had mail delivered there. I lost it. He reckons it's something eh ordered for his sis. OMG it's like a bloody half way house. Always people sleeping over, coming and going and even if he doesn't like it he just allows it. Will be interesting if sis says no to the son'[s gf. What will the son do. It is m's but of course because of the living arrangement his sis has to be involved in the decision.

I'm so sick of it. It's becoming like a bordello. Why canp;t we just have a normal relationship, not all this bs going om all the time.

Secondly, there is talk of restrictions again. I told m i may not be able to go to his house gain fi they limit the number of visitors. He said 'booooooo'. Told him his sis could always go to her bf's house. After all, why should i be the one always restricted cos she has her bf there, which means i could tip them over their numbers. I mean, she does rule the roost and m would never say the her no, my gf is coming over tonight, cos they don't care about the number of people allowed, as long as she gets everything her way.

I'm just so sick of it all. Everything is controlled by her.

[CMF]

Teenage daughter has told me she wouldn't live there either. That if we want to live together we should get our own place, not his house. I once asked M what if we live together and it's not working, he says we'll just live separate. Talk about confusing. I'm not gonna be the Sunday date while he does what he wants during the week ie dinner st his mum's, catching up with sis and bf, cycling, while I'm alone every night. I'm not gonna be a part time thing or live out of an overnight bag. To top it off, cannot get a conversation going cos he is just blase, doesn't know, not sure etc etc

[CMF]

How many sarcastic comments do I need to make? How many times do I need to drop a hint? How many times to I need to ask a question to start a conversation. How many to.es do I need to do these things before he realised I'm doing it for a reason? I'm trying to get him thinking, trying to work out where we're at. Trying to make him realise that I'm questioning things, that im sick of things but he either ignores or really just can't take the hint. He doesn't get me. After all the times I mentioned I'm sick of his living arrangement, the times I've told him, he doesn't get it, doesn't see my frustration. To top it off I feel like a b@#ch for being like that. I make comments like ' everyone will be living there except me' but he doesn't take the hint that im trying to lead into a conversation. I get zip, nothing. I don't want to live in a house with a revolving door. We may not be compatible living together but I can't get a conversation happening. He wants new bedroom furniture but waiting till we live together so I can choose it. What about my furniture? There are ideas but no thought process.