Feeling lost and overwhelmed...what happened?

[CMF]

Wow, this was meant to be 'my' year. A new year, a fresh start, a year to focus on what i want to do and where i am headed but i have hit a brick wall and can't break through. Single mum 3 kids. My little one has more kinder sessions so i have 3 days with about 4 hours free. With kids at school/kinder, this was my plan and how i wanted to spend my time i was excited/positive up until last weeks:

Do a few odd jobs around the house, fix a few things, big clean up;

Join a gym, do yoga for relaxation, walk every day - take care of me

Do an online course or some short courses so i can think of going back to work next year when she starts school. I could do something i really enjoy, a new career.

Maybe do some casual work or start a little business from a hobby

How i feel now:

Don't know where to start,anxious, guilty for not doing anything with my free time yet

How will i juggle 2 teenagers and a preppie and work all on my own next year?

If i work next year who will look after the little one on school holidays? I don't want to use school holiday programs when she is in grade prep. The thought makes me sick.

Maybe i should sell the house, just get rid of the mortgage and rent and be free ( i have this thought every month around pmt time) but where would i go and would i be renting forever? I feel overwhelmed with mortgage and bills, just like everyone i guess. Am i running away from responsibility, am i lazy?

I feel i have to be doing something all the time, feel guilty if i take time out (i was fine first week of kinder, this started second week I feel guilty not working, Scared I'll get in trouble for not doing anything yet and for having free time. The course i wanted is too expensive but i can look at other options.

I feel like a lazy mum, bad example to set for my children.

I'm anxious and depressed. i look at others with their families and how they are happy and going out and going away because they can afford to.

Am i crazy for being like this? Am i a lazy person? I had it all planned out, what happened, why have i now fallen like this? I saw a positive future, upgrade my skills, get out there and be something now i cant see it anymore.

I've lost my direction. People have said to give myself time to adjust to having some free time and to take a break and then rethink what i want to do but i'm panicking, like i'm wasting my time and i cant get going. I don't deserve anything i have.

Thanks for reading

cmf x

[quirkywords]

CMF

I have a friend who is the sister and many years ago when brother was first married she needed him. He told her that whatever she said would have to be told to his wife. She felt let down but new isster in law was now a part of her life. She has had ups and downs but she worked out how she could be a sister without resenting her sister in law as her brother had time for them both.

I know you are in the opposite position but its great you have had time alone with M and know you are happy.

[CMF]

Well, so much for the goodness. Had a feeling it wouldn't last. Had Easter dinner at mine and saw all the annoying things re surface.

I'm confused and upset.

[CMF]

M's oldest son is being irrational and not very nice to my older daughter They were the closest of freinds however my daughter and one of the son's best friends have formed a connection and really like each other. They have been hanging out and have kissed (my daughter's 1st kiss so very special). My daughter told me she really , really lieks him. M's son says she has betrayed him, that he's being protective cos it's his 'step sister' and he is intruding on them, making hurtful comments to her and just being an a- hole. Everyone, including m,has told him he is being a jerk and none of the boys in the friendship group want to be around him. Meanwhile he has split with his GF, is still using ehr a s friend with benefits and hooking up with my daughter's best friend. M had a go at him last week, telling him he is a hyprocrite and what he is doing is no different to my daughter (except he has 2 girls going and my daughter is not using anyone). M said he can't stand to be around
him atm. M's younger son is stuck in the middle and said the older one is walking a very fine line, that no one wants to be around him anymore. It is causing my daughter anxiety and tears. He ruined easter dinner for us because of his stuid behaviour, I have spoken to M about it several times ans he just says 'they'll work it out" Well today was the last straw. i told m he needs to sort his son out or i will. told him i'm sick of his behaviour toward my daughter, that he is causing her anxiety and upsetting her. M said all he can do is talk to him and hopefully he will take it on board. He knows damn well he won't take it on board as he never does, hence the frustration m feels with him. I'm s sick of M sweeping things under the carpet, not really dealing with things, thinking they will just go away. I feel we are not in the same place in our relationship. i see us as one with our kids, i feel he still sees me as separate when it comes to the kids. My daughter values M's opinion on her and the friends but m asks why? Says it has nothing to do with him.This tells me he doesn't care. i know he doesn't like to get involed in things but this is out kids we are talking about, our lives. To top it off, everytime i heard sis' conversations at dinner it was all about her as always and of course m had to tell me how one of the desserts she made was the best she's ever made. WOW...nothing's changed.

Stupid, stupid me.

[CMF]

OMG, I'm shaking. I woke this morning to the news my cousin's 18yo daughter had died after an 8 year battle with cancer which required a leg amputation when she was 10. I went to work feeling so upset and teary. My colleague did my head in as always. M messaged me at lunchtime and i had a little vent and told him i may go over for coffee after work but remembered he has dinner at his mums on Wednesday's,he said he's going at 6.30pm and to go over anyway. I got there and he was busy with a friend who was quoting on some work he needs done, we chatted, he made coffee, his sis took little miss to feed their cousin's dog. M went outside to see his friend off and i st alone in the kitchen, drinking my coffee.When little miss got back i left, said goodbye to m at the front ang got in my car. He came over, opened the car door and told me about the quote for the work he needs done. No mention of how I'm feeling but said he'd call later. On my way home i messaged him told him not to call as i was so upset. I also told him that in future if he's busy to let me know as i didn't go there to sit on my own. He said sorry, that his friend was later than expected and i pointed out that's fine but when he left he was still more interested in telling me about the fence than how i was, his response was that he knows how i am, told him he has no idea how i am. His response was 'ok then' I can't believe he is so insensitive. Loving but insensitive. I want to tell him where to go. Not to mention, the sis' BF goes to the family dinner but M has never asked me, even when he knows I'm on my own at home or just have little miss. To top it off, his boys are away, yet after 2 & 1/2 years i still don't count. So glad they are a happy family. i want to tell him where to go at this moment. Tell him we are just not on the same page. He still does not 'get me', he will see this as me attacking him, like his ex wife. He said he knows how i feel yet he still can't show me he cares.

Am I over emotional? I wish he had more sensitivity. I don't need to be babied, just want to know he cares when I've had a sad, rough day. I want him to show he cares, not just in text messages.

At this moment i almost hate him 😞

[Matchy69]

Hi CMF I am so sorry for that terrible news you got this morning.That is so tragic for someone to lose their battle with cancer.I can understand you being shaken by this news and just want you to know that we care and support you on here.
Take care,
Mark.

[CMF]

Thank you Mark,

I feel sick. My partner knows he is insensitive and I'm at breaking point. When things are good they're great but his insensitivity is breaking me. I was upset with his son's treatment of my daughter, yet he sent me a pic of him working with a friend, smiling like nothing was going on. He's done this before. I've told him I'm upset about something & he sends me happy pic like nothing's going on. It's killing our otherwise good relationship. I'm stuck, I don't know what to do. Im6hurting, angry. Can't deal with it anymore. Im6surrounded by selfishness, yes its6selfish and he admits it but laughs about it. Admitting it doesn't make it ok. I cant6deal with him, his sis, his son, it's too much. They are too full on for me. I can't take it anymore.

[CMF]

He doesn't pick up on emotional cues.he can't see when someone is hurting and doesn't know how to deal with it. Probably not his fault but I'm upset cos he can't read me. We've discussed this before but it doesn't change.

Can it change? Is it a disorder? I can accept if he doesn't have the agility to pick up on things but is there I fear I will keep hitting this wall.

[Matchy69]

Hi CMF it is really hard when people in your life don't show us the support you need and do the opposite and make feel they don't care at all.It sounds like you just need to be recognised taken seriously instead you seem to belittled. Your husband is suppose to be there for you when you need him and at the moment he isn't and you need him to be.He seems to have his own way of dealing with you when you are upset and struggling .Even just a hug would go along way.It is really hard for people to change.Their is obvious good points and things your husband does for you.But seems like you are just going around in circles with him and not moving forward.
I hope you can do something nice for yourself today.
Take care,
Mark.

[CMF]

Hi Mark,

He's actually not my hubs a nd, we don't live together but dated 30 years ago and have reconnected. He doesn't belittle me but yes, we do go in for circles c o s of his lack of ability to pick up on emotional cues. A hug would have been great, but I got nothing emotional back. He did put his arm around my shoulder and squeeze when I left but I wal need away and got in my car. That's when he came over, opened the door and started telling me about his fence/landscaping. I was all d'oh wow ' and interested but I didn't care and was coveting up my hurt in front of him. When we got home my 8 year old asked if I was ok and didn't leave my side. She knew I wasn't right but he thinks cos a few text messages during the day he knew how I felt. He had no idea the depth of my pain yesterday.

[Matchy69]

Hi CMF it is amazing how your 8y.o picked up on you not being right and needing someone.Sounds like a strong connection and bond you have.
Maby your friend has picked up on how you are really feeling but doesn't know how to show you he does care.The way he changes the subject maby is his way of dealing with it and trying to take your mind of things.That is who he is.The best indicator of future behaviour is past behaviour.
Take care,
Mark.