Feeling lost and overwhelmed...what happened?

[CMF]

Wow, this was meant to be 'my' year. A new year, a fresh start, a year to focus on what i want to do and where i am headed but i have hit a brick wall and can't break through. Single mum 3 kids. My little one has more kinder sessions so i have 3 days with about 4 hours free. With kids at school/kinder, this was my plan and how i wanted to spend my time i was excited/positive up until last weeks:

Do a few odd jobs around the house, fix a few things, big clean up;

Join a gym, do yoga for relaxation, walk every day - take care of me

Do an online course or some short courses so i can think of going back to work next year when she starts school. I could do something i really enjoy, a new career.

Maybe do some casual work or start a little business from a hobby

How i feel now:

Don't know where to start,anxious, guilty for not doing anything with my free time yet

How will i juggle 2 teenagers and a preppie and work all on my own next year?

If i work next year who will look after the little one on school holidays? I don't want to use school holiday programs when she is in grade prep. The thought makes me sick.

Maybe i should sell the house, just get rid of the mortgage and rent and be free ( i have this thought every month around pmt time) but where would i go and would i be renting forever? I feel overwhelmed with mortgage and bills, just like everyone i guess. Am i running away from responsibility, am i lazy?

I feel i have to be doing something all the time, feel guilty if i take time out (i was fine first week of kinder, this started second week I feel guilty not working, Scared I'll get in trouble for not doing anything yet and for having free time. The course i wanted is too expensive but i can look at other options.

I feel like a lazy mum, bad example to set for my children.

I'm anxious and depressed. i look at others with their families and how they are happy and going out and going away because they can afford to.

Am i crazy for being like this? Am i a lazy person? I had it all planned out, what happened, why have i now fallen like this? I saw a positive future, upgrade my skills, get out there and be something now i cant see it anymore.

I've lost my direction. People have said to give myself time to adjust to having some free time and to take a break and then rethink what i want to do but i'm panicking, like i'm wasting my time and i cant get going. I don't deserve anything i have.

Thanks for reading

cmf x

[CMF]

Hi Mark,

Yes, she is a treasure. I think you are right, he may not know how to express it and he does struggle with other people's tears, he openly admits that as he doesn't know what to say. I was full of anxiety today and left work early. I went to his house and when i walked in he out his arms around me and asked what's going on, why was i so anxious. We sat and talked about the death and he gave me the comfort i needed yesterday. I know he loves me, he is wonderful and generous in every other way. We had some time together but of course his sis had to come home and interrupt it. I lost it, in a sort of joking way. Told him his bloody living arrangement needs to change as we never have any frickin privacy. His sis and bf have heaps of privacy, we get none. Told him i'm sick of it, it's been 2 & 1/2 years of her interrupting our lives. We did laugh and he told me not to get upset about it. I should have told him to come to my house.

Anyway, we didn't discuss last night, no need. He knew today what i needed and he was there for me.

I'm so exhausted

[Matchy69]

Hi CMF that post sounded more positive from you tonight.I have always had trouble expressing myself showing my emotions.I do have Autism but don't want to use that as an excuse.I think sometimes we need to except people the way they are when we know they do care but just struggle showing it in the way we expect.
Take care,
Mark.

[CMF]

So M thinks i like being angry haha. Told him I don't like it but i do like being honest about how i'm feeling and the way i feel towards things is different to the way he feels. for example, he thinks its ok that we are constantly interrupted when in the middle of a conversation or other things, he thinks it s ok that he knew i was upset a few days ago but when i went over there for some comfort he was too busy, left me sitting alone in his kitchen,m and didn't seem to care about how i was feeling when I just left. Anyway, we had a noce lunch and saw a movie today and when we said goodbye i told him i don't like being angry. We laughed about it and he said that ignorance is bliss I told him ignorance does not resolve issues. sweeping things under the carpet does not fix anything. I just don't know how he does it. I feel like I've been putting on a sort of happy face all day, trying to hint about things that upset me to start a conversation but he just ignores it so deep down I'm hurting a little. He just will not talk about things, chooses not to acknowledge that something is bugging me, just ignores it thinking it will go away but here i am, overthinking and feeling upset while he goes home to his happy family with no clue. I have mentioned a few times this week i am so sick of his living arrangement with his sis, so over it hoping he will say something but he will not engage in a conversation.

No wonder i feel angry all the time, i cannot talk to him about things, about us.

[CMF]

When i had issues with a work colleague he used to say to me ' you need to tell her, tell her how it makes you feel. You need to so something about it'. Yet here i am, trying to tell him how i'm feeling about things and i get nothing. No acknowledgement, no conversation, just him ignoring what i'm trying to tell him and then telling me i love being angry.

I just cannot get through to him.

[Matchy69]

Hi CMF it does make it hard when you can't have an open conversation and discuss the issues that are troubling you.That is an important part of any relationship that you both are able to discuss the things that are bothering you. This living with his sister seems to be really effecting you and your relationship.It is really hard when he didn't want to talk about it.Being angry is something none of us want to be.
Take care,
Mark.

[Tess2]

Hi CMF, I feel concerned for you as your emotional needs are not being met in this relationship, well not consistently. I feel M is lacking in emotional intelligence. But I don’t know him, you do.

And I am not sure that his sister moving out will be the answer you are looking for, as it all seems so complex and who is in and who is out is not clear always.

you take care of yourself

tess

[CMF]

Thanks Mark & Tess,

Yes, he does lack emotional intelligence and he admits it. He also admits he's easily distracted but I only see that with me so I feel unimportant. The fact that he said today I love being angry tells me he still doesn't understand why I was so upset during the week, which we never discussed, and why I was annoyed today for a reason I've mentioned so many times yet he still doesn't see or acknowledge. He denies it, saying I'm exaggerating . He knows he can be insensitive and has said I am so much more compassionate &understanding. That i have more emotional intelligence than him. He's admitted he sweeps things under the carpet, hoping they'll go away. He's admitted all this, he knows he's like this. He is a wondetful man,generous, loving, positive, affectionate. Is it a case of taking the good with the bad? I have many faults too,he never complains or mentions them or maybe he s 'sweeping them under the carpet? His ex was needy, told him they have no emotional connection and had 2 long term affairs that he s aware of. I wouldn't do that,but sadly I think I can see why she did. It is becoming more and more evident that he just doesn't pick up on people's feelings. That he doesn't understand people's emotions, that he doesnt want to have to deal with them cos he doesn't know how, therefore he ignores them. Ignorance is bliss he told me today. This is not real life. H e just blocks the hard stuff out. When his dad was very sick with cancer couldn't understand why he wouldnt get out of bed. He was peeved at him, saying he should get up and move around. He shouldn't just give up. This shocked me, I had to explain he couldn't. He had cancer and he couldn't get up anymore. M couldn't accept this, didn't want to understand . So it's an issue he has,not just toward me but with everything. It's an avoidance , a condition & I don't know what to do about it.

[CMF]

Yesterday Was the funeral for my cousin's daughter. Our was a long day and some info came out we didn't know about. I dropped into M's on my way home. Hehad offered to pick up Little Miss if I need but her dad was able to. M was there for me. I told him about the day, I spoke, he listened, he even shed a tear and offered a toast to my beautiful relative. He gave me support.

Thank goodness.

[Matchy69]

That was great m gave you the support yesterday when you needed it.It sounds like he might give you the support sometimes but could yesterday.I am sure it was an emotional draining day for you.How are you feeling about saying goodbye to your niece?It must have been so hard and emotional for you.I hope you can give yourself some time to greive.

Take care,

Mark.

[CMF]

Tonight is M's son's 18th party. Last night I had not much sleep as little miss was vomiting all night. I'm so tired. I'm not a fan of big functions. They make me a anxious as M drinks and socialises and I sit quietty somewhere. I won't even get a glance. I know am already feeling negative and anxious, will probably leave early as we are so tired. There is crap still going on with Our kids. He just sweeps it away and says they'll sort it. I have no patience for it and will lose my sh#@ if my daughter gets upset.

Not looking forward to it.