Feeling lost and overwhelmed...what happened?

[CMF]

Wow, this was meant to be 'my' year. A new year, a fresh start, a year to focus on what i want to do and where i am headed but i have hit a brick wall and can't break through. Single mum 3 kids. My little one has more kinder sessions so i have 3 days with about 4 hours free. With kids at school/kinder, this was my plan and how i wanted to spend my time i was excited/positive up until last weeks:

Do a few odd jobs around the house, fix a few things, big clean up;

Join a gym, do yoga for relaxation, walk every day - take care of me

Do an online course or some short courses so i can think of going back to work next year when she starts school. I could do something i really enjoy, a new career.

Maybe do some casual work or start a little business from a hobby

How i feel now:

Don't know where to start,anxious, guilty for not doing anything with my free time yet

How will i juggle 2 teenagers and a preppie and work all on my own next year?

If i work next year who will look after the little one on school holidays? I don't want to use school holiday programs when she is in grade prep. The thought makes me sick.

Maybe i should sell the house, just get rid of the mortgage and rent and be free ( i have this thought every month around pmt time) but where would i go and would i be renting forever? I feel overwhelmed with mortgage and bills, just like everyone i guess. Am i running away from responsibility, am i lazy?

I feel i have to be doing something all the time, feel guilty if i take time out (i was fine first week of kinder, this started second week I feel guilty not working, Scared I'll get in trouble for not doing anything yet and for having free time. The course i wanted is too expensive but i can look at other options.

I feel like a lazy mum, bad example to set for my children.

I'm anxious and depressed. i look at others with their families and how they are happy and going out and going away because they can afford to.

Am i crazy for being like this? Am i a lazy person? I had it all planned out, what happened, why have i now fallen like this? I saw a positive future, upgrade my skills, get out there and be something now i cant see it anymore.

I've lost my direction. People have said to give myself time to adjust to having some free time and to take a break and then rethink what i want to do but i'm panicking, like i'm wasting my time and i cant get going. I don't deserve anything i have.

Thanks for reading

cmf x

[quirkywords]

CMF

I hope by the time you read this you will have had a better time than you thought you would.

I am sorry you are feeling negative anxious. I don’t like big events either.

I hope little miss is feeling better.

[CMF]

Hi Quirky,

just got home and yes, did have a good time in the end. Started a bit nervy, M's sis and by arrived after me and he went straight over to talk to them, leaving me on my own so I sat with my son. He sees them everyday, yet always gravitated to them. I was very tired but did mingle later on and surprisingly M stayed by my side. I was surprised. Little miss and I did leave before it ended, she was so tired but M understood and thanked me or having the energy to be there. It was a nice evening in the end and nice to catch up with people.

Cmf x

[CMF]

Few things that annoyed me that I want to get off my chest.

Just after I arrived his sis and bf arrived. M hung around with them for a bit and just left me. Such a lovely 3 some they make.

Hearing his sis telling evryone she made the cake. She made it with her cousin,wasn't just her and the night wasn't about her but she needed people to know.

There were photos projecting onto a wall and 1 included her pre weight loss. She commented to M 'who's that girl in the background, the chubba?' Again...not about her.

When we had our photos taken M asked me to hold his drink in the photo so it would at least look like I was drinking. Why does it need to look like I was drinking? I don't drink. I don't feel the need to drink. Accept it. End of story.

[CMF]

When does it stop?

Little missed called this Morning. His mum died yesterday. He is so lost, confused. Even though We haven't had the best relationship he is the father of my daughter and has lost his mother, my daughter's grandmother. He treated her badly a lot of the time we were together and I think he'll struggle with that. I had a good chat to him.he didn't know whether to tell little miss but he has to. He is so lost and confused and I have to help support him, despite every thing.

[CMF]

Oh the sis...grrrrrr

Went to M's as he had some friends dropping in. We were sitting talking about the party last night. M started going thru his phone to show me pictures of us. Sis walks in and wants to see photos of herself and her boyfriend. Omg,get over yourself. He's looking for photos of us, not her. Mind you, she was more interested in the photo of herself and M's son, asking M to send it to her. I'm sure when he does it will go straight onto social media with a picture of the cake 'she' made, just to make sure everyone knows.

[CMF]

Little miss vomited again last night. At M's she had wafer biscuits. I told her ' no more', adked how many she had. She didn't wanted to say and M laughed telling her jokingly he'll have to teach her how to lie to me. SIS bf then started mucking around with the kids and was flipping little miss upside down. I told little miss, if she vomited again ill6be dropping her off to him to look after. Sis heard me but it continued. By the time pizza arrived, which little miss wanted, she couldn't eat it. Was drinking water, saying the water filled her up, was going to the toilet. I knew she didn't feel well. Sure enough I'm up again at 3am showering her and cleaning vomit. I texted to tell him, to tell him I say things for a reason but they don't listem. They just don't get it. Everything to them is a joke. M acknowledged how tired I was as his son's bday. Told my older daughter he felt so sorry for me. I must have been so tired. Now I'm tired again but he thinks I love bring ANGRY. He can't underst and WHY I'm angry. His son and now sis bf always rev little miss up, I'm sick of his sis, now it's the bf too. The bf parked on the front lawn, in his son's spot I joked again that he'll move in before sis moves out. Too top it off, the friends that came over asked me what our plans were, if I thought we'd move in together. I didn't know what to say. He's financially tied up with his sis. She's lives with him. We have 4 kids living at home. How on earth do we live together. M used to talk about it a lot, had a plan, but none of it is viable. He loves company but He's got that now. Company all week and me for Sunday's. I'm torn between the wonderful man I know he is and the sadness this situation which he can't see, is causing me. For a long time I've felt I should go away and come back when he's 'single'

[CMF]

M was so understanding about hoe6i felt about little miss being sick. We had lunch there with their parish priest. Little miss stayed with me today. M was understanding however when the guests left his sis and bf sat in front of the tv. He was lying down asleep. There was no room for anyone else, he's right at home there, I'm not so I left. M & I were meant to go supermarket but I just wanted to get out. He asked if I was ok when and I left, was I just tired. Told him no, I just needed to get out. I'm really anxious. Little miss dad is so distraught over his mum's death. M made a comment to his sis about a road trip to Adelaide, in her car. We cant6all fit so guess it may not include me. Over lunch she mentioned how 'they' want to take M's boys to his dad's home town in Italy. Guess that doesn't involve me either. Maybe I'm over tired but I hate the set uo6more and more. Him, his and the bf.

[quirkywords]

CMF

I think who have gradually realised with M that he comes a job lot with sis and her bf, children, and ex.

I know it gets you down at times and frustrates you but M has many redeeming features and you know he loves you, is considerate and cares for you.

I understand the set up is far from the ideal you hope for, but I suppose you have to work out if it is worth the effort and the stress and anxiety you feel at times. Only you know the answer to that.

By writing your posts you can see a pattern and get a full picture of your life.

Take care

[CMF]

Hi Quirky,

You're right. Sadly he is so clueless or blind to the impact it all has on me. Tonight was a good example. We became members of our local movie theatre, his card arrived today & he told ms6he felt very special. I joked and asled do the gifts I give him not make him feel special. He asked can i give him a special Gold (my name) club card, that he'd be my best member. Told him he's be the only member and doesn't need a card, that I'm the one who needs a card. His response, I'd get a Platinum card. Well, that pretty much says it all i think, yet he doesn't even know it. A date day every Sunday doesn't make me feel like a 'Platinum' member more like a silver member, especially when sis & bf are around.

[CMF]

little Miss' dad lost his mum last week. He was extremely emotional last weekend and i was supportive as possible. Despite our differences, he needed support and i believe if you are in a position to help someone you should. He didn't have little miss last Sunday but wanted to see her Sunday night. She was hesitant to go as she was upset about her Nonna dying, but i managed to convince her and we went over, he invited me in also. I haven't been inside that house for over 5 years.His family was nice to me and we chatted a little, despite it being awkward. Tuesday night he rang as i was picking her up and asked us to pop past so he could say hello to her. His aunty was there so i encouraged little miss to go in and say hello, he invited me in also. Again i felt so uncomfortable. so many memories of that house, of our Friday nights together when my kids were with their dad. I felt so much for him until he hurt me so badly, but the memories are so strong. Tonight as i was just getting home he called as his uncle wanted to meet little miss so i went over again. His cousin was there whom i met once, we went inside again and he prepared food for me to bring home. He's been calling every night to see how little miss is, which is nice but it's becoming too much, the food, the invitations to come in. I think he would know how awkward it is for me, i haven't spoken to his family for so many years and have no idea what he has old people. Everyone has been so nice to me, like i saw them just yesterday. It's confusing and making me sad. He has been super nice, thanking me for taking little miss there to meet his uncle and for calling him last week o check in and let him know how little miss is feeling after the sad news but it's too much. The house, the memories, the hurt. It's too much. He is completely different to M, his is too controlling but very deep yet manipulative and too much to deal with. On the other hand he can be caring and not so aloof. I don't want to keep going there and going inside. I'm happy to take little miss to see him or meet family but that;s it. The hurt is still there, the memories still hurt me 😞