Feeling lost and overwhelmed...what happened?

[CMF]

Wow, this was meant to be 'my' year. A new year, a fresh start, a year to focus on what i want to do and where i am headed but i have hit a brick wall and can't break through. Single mum 3 kids. My little one has more kinder sessions so i have 3 days with about 4 hours free. With kids at school/kinder, this was my plan and how i wanted to spend my time i was excited/positive up until last weeks:

Do a few odd jobs around the house, fix a few things, big clean up;

Join a gym, do yoga for relaxation, walk every day - take care of me

Do an online course or some short courses so i can think of going back to work next year when she starts school. I could do something i really enjoy, a new career.

Maybe do some casual work or start a little business from a hobby

How i feel now:

Don't know where to start,anxious, guilty for not doing anything with my free time yet

How will i juggle 2 teenagers and a preppie and work all on my own next year?

If i work next year who will look after the little one on school holidays? I don't want to use school holiday programs when she is in grade prep. The thought makes me sick.

Maybe i should sell the house, just get rid of the mortgage and rent and be free ( i have this thought every month around pmt time) but where would i go and would i be renting forever? I feel overwhelmed with mortgage and bills, just like everyone i guess. Am i running away from responsibility, am i lazy?

I feel i have to be doing something all the time, feel guilty if i take time out (i was fine first week of kinder, this started second week I feel guilty not working, Scared I'll get in trouble for not doing anything yet and for having free time. The course i wanted is too expensive but i can look at other options.

I feel like a lazy mum, bad example to set for my children.

I'm anxious and depressed. i look at others with their families and how they are happy and going out and going away because they can afford to.

Am i crazy for being like this? Am i a lazy person? I had it all planned out, what happened, why have i now fallen like this? I saw a positive future, upgrade my skills, get out there and be something now i cant see it anymore.

I've lost my direction. People have said to give myself time to adjust to having some free time and to take a break and then rethink what i want to do but i'm panicking, like i'm wasting my time and i cant get going. I don't deserve anything i have.

Thanks for reading

cmf x

[CMF]

I can't help wondering what he's playing at, whst he's up to. Told M about it all. He was understanding & said they are just being nice and that the next week or so, while they are going through this,it may be uncomfortable for me but just something I need to do. If roles were reversed Little miss' dad would have said my ex is trying to get back together. He always thought that.

[CMF]

Friday night fish n chips with M. He was quite amorous. After dinner we snuggled up on the couch and watched some footy. Told him this is how every Friday night should be 🥰

[CMF]

Lovely day with M except his sis having to message him twice, sniffing donuts ( M commented just eat the damn thing) and he then said sister instead of wife when telling me something. I commented how amorous he's been lately, he said cos he loves me and loves seeing me happy, which I have been this past week. I guess I've never thought that when I rang about work, or I'm upset, he finds it hard to be amorous. Something for me to be aware of!

Any way, friend of his has been with her bf 1 year and pretty much living with him. She can't understand how M and I don't spend any nights together, he told her we're cool with it, which we are, plus we have still have dependant kids in yr12 & little miss. As we were talking I told him about his friends asking me what our plans are. M & I have a bet going, he reckons within 5 years we'll be living together. Today he said to me when year12 is done, we can start to explore our options.

Didn't expect that. Nice to see he is thinking about us. I'm in no hurry to move in together, I'd just like to be able to go to his place & not have his sis & bf in my face all the time. That would be a nice start 😊

[CMF]

Interesting night. Went to M's for dinner, it's his son's bday. As we sat down to eat his mum was on her phone. His sis commented she's like a teenager and I sarcastically/jokingly said that's where M gets it from. Well, that started things. He denied it, I told him he is often on his phone/looking at it when with me. His son and sis said with them hes never on his phone and if he is it's with me. Talk about ganging up. I pointed out when he's with me there's often a call or a text (from them) or cycling messages. They need to remember, I'm with him once a week not everyday like them. His son said calls are important, I pointed out calls can be returned and it's rude to let them interrupt a conversation which is then lost. If a call is important they'll leave a message. His son said they could be work calls. Told him they're not for work. M thanked them for backing him up but theyre not with us so they don't see it. Its not ALL the time. Often it's them, but when it is it's annoying, especially when I get 'oh sorry honey, hang on'. Clearly they dont get that. Anyway, couldn't wait to leave.The footy started, they got loud. I'm exhausted ¬ feeling 100%.

[CMF]

He's right, it's not all the time. Its only when the 2 of us or special occasions ie NYE dinner, Valentine's day, when I drop in for coffee, when we are out for lunch on a Sunday hahaha.

[CMF]

So I think when I'm tired on a Friday I might suggest M come to mine for dinner. I really can't handle all of them when I'm tired and not 100%. They're too much, too loud. Him, the sis, the bf & it's not fair on him cos I get nearly like last night & leave early. It was meant to be a family night for us &the kids, not us with sis & bf. It's meant to be about us,not us and them. He has dinner with them all the time, we never have a dinner night. To top it off, sounds like he's oñ his own tonight. So again, when I go they're there, when I'm not there he's alone. Can't win.

[CMF]

Today we have a bday at 2pm with his family. M and I are going out for lunch beforehand and he's suggested to be at his around 11.30am. I don't want to get there that early and have to hang around with them. Not again. I want to get there 12.30pm, grab a bite, go to the bday. I feel bad for him that I don't want to hang around there, he has no idea. I'm guessing the sis and bf will be there, but I can't ask. If they weren't there is have no issue. M will have his bike ride, I usually wonder around a shopping centre. That's my thing, my(only) relax, alone time before I go there. I don't know how to tell him. He has his time, I need mine. It all comes back to only having 1 day a week as our time and not wanting the others in my face...again. I don't want to hurt his feelings.

He just doesn't understand Im sick of it. Over it. I have to make it about me wanting some 'my' time, he'll understand that but I wish he understood the real reason. As always he thinks if he ignores it, it will go away, cos I have said it many times.

[quirkywords]

CMF

hello. I am replying to your comment to the statement Ms son said in the 30 April post.

Hope that ic clear.

When say something in front of his sis, and son about M even if it is true that will back him.

M could have smiled and laughed and said I know but I am trying to improve. I think by thanking his sis and his son and not acknowledging what you were saying, it was not fair to you.

It really put yoi an awkward situation. I realise you Love and when you are alone things a re great but one a day it is nearly like a long distance relationship in some ways.

In a long distance relationship if you only see each other once a fortnight or once a month or every weekend, the couple enjoys seeing each other and makes most of the time together.

I suppose if you could see a change in things it would a bit easier.

[CMF]

Hi Quirky,

You are exactly right. It is a bit like a long distance relationship even though we live 10 mminsaway.i did go there at 12.30pm today, at lunch I told him I just need some 'me' time and he understood. The Universe must have been listening, sis & bf weren't there and not at the bday. Had I known I would have gone there earlier. We had a lovely lunch, nice afternoon at the bday then did a supermarket shop. He was amorous again. Funny thing is, in the supermarket he stopped to respond to a text message. I jokingly told him 'see, on your phone again' we laughed but I'm glad it happened as I could make a point. He had a few messages so his sis can go take a flying leap, saying he's only ever on his phone with me. My point was that 1 day a week and there are always messages sometimes unnecessary ones from her, so she can stick that where the sun don't shine. It was a lovely afternoon. The difference when her and the bf aren't there is amazing. I'm happier, which makes him happier and the love we have is so evident. I knoe5he can't kick her out but I hope he can see/feel the difference too. I'll have to work on the Friday night thing. I might just be honest and tell him when I'm so tired I can't handle all of them, plus he has dinner with them all the time I wanted Friday nights to be about us.

[quirkywords]

Cmf

I am glad you had a better day. I think many people don’t realise how intrusive phones are. Years ago I saw a family of 5 out to dinner and there was no talking as there were looking at their phones. Looked ridiculous.