Feeling lost and overwhelmed...what happened?

[CMF]

Wow, this was meant to be 'my' year. A new year, a fresh start, a year to focus on what i want to do and where i am headed but i have hit a brick wall and can't break through. Single mum 3 kids. My little one has more kinder sessions so i have 3 days with about 4 hours free. With kids at school/kinder, this was my plan and how i wanted to spend my time i was excited/positive up until last weeks:

Do a few odd jobs around the house, fix a few things, big clean up;

Join a gym, do yoga for relaxation, walk every day - take care of me

Do an online course or some short courses so i can think of going back to work next year when she starts school. I could do something i really enjoy, a new career.

Maybe do some casual work or start a little business from a hobby

How i feel now:

Don't know where to start,anxious, guilty for not doing anything with my free time yet

How will i juggle 2 teenagers and a preppie and work all on my own next year?

If i work next year who will look after the little one on school holidays? I don't want to use school holiday programs when she is in grade prep. The thought makes me sick.

Maybe i should sell the house, just get rid of the mortgage and rent and be free ( i have this thought every month around pmt time) but where would i go and would i be renting forever? I feel overwhelmed with mortgage and bills, just like everyone i guess. Am i running away from responsibility, am i lazy?

I feel i have to be doing something all the time, feel guilty if i take time out (i was fine first week of kinder, this started second week I feel guilty not working, Scared I'll get in trouble for not doing anything yet and for having free time. The course i wanted is too expensive but i can look at other options.

I feel like a lazy mum, bad example to set for my children.

I'm anxious and depressed. i look at others with their families and how they are happy and going out and going away because they can afford to.

Am i crazy for being like this? Am i a lazy person? I had it all planned out, what happened, why have i now fallen like this? I saw a positive future, upgrade my skills, get out there and be something now i cant see it anymore.

I've lost my direction. People have said to give myself time to adjust to having some free time and to take a break and then rethink what i want to do but i'm panicking, like i'm wasting my time and i cant get going. I don't deserve anything i have.

Thanks for reading

cmf x

[CMF]

Yeah, I know you're right RX.

I'm confused in the fish n chips night now
I started it do we could do something as a 'family '. Him, me, the kids. We alternate houses. 3 weeks ago I didnt go there as I was unwell. Last week he mentioned nothing so I invited them to mine. This week would be his turn but again no mention. He loved his footy, maybe he'd rather watch that? Maybe hes6just busy and forgot? Either way , I feel its taking too much effort now, and that hurts.

[quirkywords]

CMF

if you learn the art of not over thinking let me know.

It can be hard not to read too much into things .

I am glad your daughter liked her gift.
Some people don’t plan ahead . I am sure fish n chips night will turn out ok.

[CMF]

Hi Quirky,

It did work. We went there and had Vietnamese food. We're all a bit over f & c. His sis wasn't home - bonus. We talked and laughed, I was feeling so good & he us amazing with little miss. I couldn't help but notice again all the stuff his sis leaves lying around. Coats hanging off bottom of stair rail. Things on the stairs, floral decorations from her bday party 2 weeks ago sitting on a chair. Everywhere you look it's her stuff. She goes up and down the stairs to her room, take the crap upstairs already. It's crazy.

[CMF]

I wonder if M notices I'm different when sis is ori. sn't around? When she's around I shut down a bit, I'm quieter, fade into the background. When shes6not there I'm more open, Speak freely, relaxed.

It's so nice

[CMF]

Tonight we went to Mass with M as he was reading. Afterwards we got puzza and ate at his house. Dis the wasn't home again! It was so nice. He did feel the need to tell me where she was, don't know why but how good is it when she's not around. I can actually see what 'WE' would be like. See how it feel to go to my partners house without another time woman there all the time. See how it feels to be a couple,not the three of us.

Oh how I wish for that.

[quirkywords]

CMF

I am glad you had a good time with M.

I think you are always a couple but need time and space .

Hopefully you will get more time with M.

[CMF]

Dropped into M's for a coffee tonight. Sis not there again. Wow. The Universe is definitely responding.

I could get used to this.

[CMF]

Omg. Dinner at mine with M lady night and out for dinner tonight with M and kids. What's happening? All this time, 2 weekends in a row, and no sis in sight haha! Bring it on I say. I joked with him, telling him we've seen each other 3 days in a row last 2 weekends, been supermarket shopping together...getting serious lol. Asked if he can handle it, he asked if I can handle it. We had a good laugh. Omg it's so good when his sis isn't in our faces all the time. M mentioned he can't believe how much she's becoming like their dad...not in a good way. She's little harsj in her responses and approach at times, even his son commented. I'm glad he sees her flaws too, not just going on about how amazing she is. I think M is enjoying not having her around all the time just quietly.
Cmf x

[Tess2]

Dear CMF,

it is great to hear that things are going so well for you and M. But try to stop focussing on his sister and what she is or isn’t doing. He is with you that is all that matters

tess

[CMF]

Hello dear Tess,

Thank you and I know you are right. I give her way too much of my mind dpace6. I know deep down I'm a little jealous of her always bring with M, like she's in MY spot but I do need to remember they are siblings with a good relationship and always will be

I've been living this Fri, Sat, sun time with M, sometimes with our kids. We're happy, that's what count.

Cmf x