Feeling lost and overwhelmed...what happened?

[CMF]

Wow, this was meant to be 'my' year. A new year, a fresh start, a year to focus on what i want to do and where i am headed but i have hit a brick wall and can't break through. Single mum 3 kids. My little one has more kinder sessions so i have 3 days with about 4 hours free. With kids at school/kinder, this was my plan and how i wanted to spend my time i was excited/positive up until last weeks:

Do a few odd jobs around the house, fix a few things, big clean up;

Join a gym, do yoga for relaxation, walk every day - take care of me

Do an online course or some short courses so i can think of going back to work next year when she starts school. I could do something i really enjoy, a new career.

Maybe do some casual work or start a little business from a hobby

How i feel now:

Don't know where to start,anxious, guilty for not doing anything with my free time yet

How will i juggle 2 teenagers and a preppie and work all on my own next year?

If i work next year who will look after the little one on school holidays? I don't want to use school holiday programs when she is in grade prep. The thought makes me sick.

Maybe i should sell the house, just get rid of the mortgage and rent and be free ( i have this thought every month around pmt time) but where would i go and would i be renting forever? I feel overwhelmed with mortgage and bills, just like everyone i guess. Am i running away from responsibility, am i lazy?

I feel i have to be doing something all the time, feel guilty if i take time out (i was fine first week of kinder, this started second week I feel guilty not working, Scared I'll get in trouble for not doing anything yet and for having free time. The course i wanted is too expensive but i can look at other options.

I feel like a lazy mum, bad example to set for my children.

I'm anxious and depressed. i look at others with their families and how they are happy and going out and going away because they can afford to.

Am i crazy for being like this? Am i a lazy person? I had it all planned out, what happened, why have i now fallen like this? I saw a positive future, upgrade my skills, get out there and be something now i cant see it anymore.

I've lost my direction. People have said to give myself time to adjust to having some free time and to take a break and then rethink what i want to do but i'm panicking, like i'm wasting my time and i cant get going. I don't deserve anything i have.

Thanks for reading

cmf x

[quirkywords]

CMF

I like the way you are honest and flexible enough to admit you may have over reacted. It is a difficult situation but I feel you know M is worth it.

[CMF]

Hi Quirky,

Thank you. I do know he is worth it and I know a lot of my thoughts are over reactions. His sis is nothing but kind to me and M spoils me. When M called me earlier I mentioned again I was overdressed , I wasnt the bday girl so I felt bad. He said better to be overdressed than under dressed and I I looked beautiful. His sis' bf is lovely, caring and thoughtful complete opposite to her ex. I'm lucky to be surrounded by beautiful, loving people.

[CMF]

wow, work is crazy busy. Today i was like the office counselor. One lost her sh@#, one was in tears, everyone is stressed but i'm going to sit in my corner and try to do my best. Went to M's tonight for his sis bday. Clearly her and her bf have become good buddies, maybe the three of them should live together. They can drink, watch footy, she can have all their attention. M commented her cake was great, i don't think he said that about the cake i bought him or his bday. Or maybe he did, can't remember cos he asked if his sis bought it at the time. When we left M mentioned to litle miss fish n chips tomorrow night but i don't want to. I cant be bothered going there again and I'm so tired. See what happens tomorrow, I'm really over them all.

[CMF]

In fact, when M made coffees he gave his sis and her bf their coffees first. His sis asked if hers was meant to be for me as he always gives me my coffee first, tonight i was third. I know it is trivial but the fact that she mentioned it means she noticed it too.

Guess I've moved down the ranks. Her and the bf are the new number 1's

I'ms sure the 3 of hen will be very happy together.

I'm so exhausted

[CMF]

Better day today. Decided to have M over for f & c so we could at leadt6have time without his sis. He and his son came over. Great dinner conversation then the kids hung out and M & I watched the footy. It was so relaxing, relaxed conversation, enjoying each others company. It was so nice to be just us. Not sharing him with anyone. Just he and I, (and our kids), as it should be.

[CMF]

Yay! M & I had a day to ourselves today. A weekend that didn't revolve around sis. We had alonr6time, lunch & movie. His son's 18th party is on a Friday night and I fear oll6be exhausted as mu6negative work colleague is draining me. He mentioned hesaesre and feels bad for me. Not his choice to have it on a Friday, his son wants it & it's school holidays. It was really thoughtful of M to consider me. We discussed maybe I can that day off or work from home so i'll do that.we went to the supermarket together...again. I joked that it's becoming a habit, like we're married. We laughed, he said yes, just need a ring and a church. Well, not a church but a ring hahaha.

The universe definitely responding this weekend 🥰

Cmf x

[quirkywords]

CMF

what a lovely weekend and so pleased you had an enjoyable time with M . Great to hear you sounding content.

[CMF]

Thanks Quirky,

I know when I feel/speak negatively about M it's not him, it's the circumstances/situations I'm frustrated with. I know I over think and create situations that don't exist. Haha, this morning whilst waiting for him to come over i pictured his sis making pancakes and them having breakfast together.. i started to feel annoyed/ upset thinking he'd rather do that than be with me. The truth is he had to take his son to school to help with an open day. There was no breakfast, he wasn't late to my house. All the things I made up my mind didn't exist.

Ah, the joy of overthinking lol.

[CMF]

Today was my Little Miss 8th birthday. M and 1 of h i s son's came over for coffee and cake. Is it weird that y he gift they gave her was from M, his son's, his sis and her bf and his mum? It wasnt6an expensive gift, which is fine. It was crafty and she loved it, but to be from all of them made me feel weird. It's like it's all of them and then me. Like we're separate. M and I still give separate gifts to our kids etc, don't know why but for him to give one with his sis and mum....not sure. It's not a big deal, but weird. I guess I'm trying to make he & I & our kids a 'unit's but ad always his sis is a part of it. Again, if she didnt6live there, would her name & her bf have been on thst card?

Will we ever be a couple without her?

[Guest_1584]

Hiya cm .

Well def' get where your coming from and with your unit together and all , it'll be beautiful to l can't believe the luck in that they all get along and take to each other too. What a blessing.

This pressy though let it go , it was really nice really. They all just think of you and your kids as part of the family and how nice is that. You guys can still have your unit , time time.

Take care. rx