Feeling lost and overwhelmed...what happened?

[CMF]

Wow, this was meant to be 'my' year. A new year, a fresh start, a year to focus on what i want to do and where i am headed but i have hit a brick wall and can't break through. Single mum 3 kids. My little one has more kinder sessions so i have 3 days with about 4 hours free. With kids at school/kinder, this was my plan and how i wanted to spend my time i was excited/positive up until last weeks:

Do a few odd jobs around the house, fix a few things, big clean up;

Join a gym, do yoga for relaxation, walk every day - take care of me

Do an online course or some short courses so i can think of going back to work next year when she starts school. I could do something i really enjoy, a new career.

Maybe do some casual work or start a little business from a hobby

How i feel now:

Don't know where to start,anxious, guilty for not doing anything with my free time yet

How will i juggle 2 teenagers and a preppie and work all on my own next year?

If i work next year who will look after the little one on school holidays? I don't want to use school holiday programs when she is in grade prep. The thought makes me sick.

Maybe i should sell the house, just get rid of the mortgage and rent and be free ( i have this thought every month around pmt time) but where would i go and would i be renting forever? I feel overwhelmed with mortgage and bills, just like everyone i guess. Am i running away from responsibility, am i lazy?

I feel i have to be doing something all the time, feel guilty if i take time out (i was fine first week of kinder, this started second week I feel guilty not working, Scared I'll get in trouble for not doing anything yet and for having free time. The course i wanted is too expensive but i can look at other options.

I feel like a lazy mum, bad example to set for my children.

I'm anxious and depressed. i look at others with their families and how they are happy and going out and going away because they can afford to.

Am i crazy for being like this? Am i a lazy person? I had it all planned out, what happened, why have i now fallen like this? I saw a positive future, upgrade my skills, get out there and be something now i cant see it anymore.

I've lost my direction. People have said to give myself time to adjust to having some free time and to take a break and then rethink what i want to do but i'm panicking, like i'm wasting my time and i cant get going. I don't deserve anything i have.

Thanks for reading

cmf x

[quirkywords]

CMF

It seems with M the more things change the more they stay the same.

You love him but the amount of time he spends with time spent talking or texting her wears you down,

This constant feeling of being overlooked is exhausting.

Then you have some time alone and you feel wonderful then the cycle starts. This is a brief summary and I may have quite wrong.
You seem to be a kind sensitive person who does not like to make a fuss or is reluctant to speak her mind.

[CMF]

Hi Tess and Quirky,

You are both right. I have spoken up and will again if I need to.

As long as she lives there nothing will change. I'm sure if she didn't live there things would be different. When she lived in her own place m did not even realise what her relationship with her ex was like. I was really down and out a few nights ago about work and little miss' dad who is just a jerk. M called and we had a good talk, he made me feel better, supported me, helped me see things differently.

One day she'll move out.

cmf x

[CMF]

So last night was great. Little miss and I went to M's gor6fish n chips. Just him and her home, he just got back from school camp. When we arrived she was on her phone with air pods, so hard to tell. Little miss started talking to her. His sis commented that she was on the phone, but its6ok when she does it ehen im5 on the phone with M. During dinner M & her were talking. Little miss wanted to t well M something and interrupted . M politely adked her to wait as he was talking, but it's ok when his sis interrupts us talking. Final straw was M and I having a coffee in the kitchen, she was on her laptop in the lounge. M and I were talking and in the middle of our conversation she came in, put her laptop on the bench and started playing a song she wanted to show us. That killed the conversation with M as his attention went straight to her and then she hung around and started telling him how her bathroom sink is blocked and she needs to call the plumber. That was my cue to leave. All good for her. Her bf slept over while M was on camp and we heard all about his cooking, but I can't have a 10 min conversation.

Did I mention she yelled out an update on her car while we were in the kitchen talking?

[Guest_1584]

She's really starting to get on my nerves , sorry not much help l know.

[CMF]

Well I had a little chuckle tonight. M's son has a new GF. A few nights ago they went out, then back to M's but it was quite late and M was in bed, his sis at her Bf's. M's son and gf decided to go upstairs to the side bedroom and have some fun. When she went home next morning she noticed someone had been in there and told M he needed to talk yo6hod son (she didn't know exactly what they got up to). It was absolutely wrong of them to do that in her room,but the principal of boundaries is the same as what I put up with. They invaded her space, she invades our space when she interrupts our conversations and takes over. So I have another example I can use to explain boundaries to him. I'm still giggling...maybe it's a bit of karma 😊

[CMF]

So she's stepped in as the lady if the house. She's taken the upstairs bedroom with ensuite. She walls around like queen of the house, taking over the mother role yet she told M to talk to his son. She's happy to tell his son what to do when it suits her. His son sis I and 19, has a gf. M has me, yet she is the one with wall the privacy and freedoms. She's not liking his son in her space...interesting.

Now I'm overthinking...

[quirkywords]

CMF

Has anything changed since Sis has got a BF..?

I think you felt if she had a BF ages ago things would change.
quirky

[CMF]

Hi Quirky,

No. I just finished talking to M about it . Today she did it again. She was at the dining table, M in the laundry so i purposely sat in the kitchen away from her so I could talk to him. We were engaged in a conversation and bang! She jumped up walked into the laundry, shoved her phone in his face and started talking about her body building comp with him. I just sat there, feeling angry. So I shut down. He said later when I do that he withdraws too. Pointed out he's never mentioned that before and I can't sweep under the carpet like him.We went to a bday and he kept talking across me directly to her. When we got back I left but messaged him to say if there is a situation where it's the 3 of us it's best I don't go. We exchanged a few messages then I called. Told him it is quite consistent that when I sit and talk with him she interrupts every time. I kindly pointed out that it's almost like she wants his attention on her not me esp as I'm only there a few hours a week and what she interrupts with can wait till I'm not there seeing as they live together. He says families are like that. I'm not like that. He agreed im not the barge in type. He said he'll try and be more aware and that I should speak up when it happens but why should I be put in an uncomfortable situation? Told him I'll point it out to him later when it happens but that's just gonna put a dampner on my day. I told him It's consistent, annoying and makes me feel I don't want to go there. She needs attention, always talking about herself and posting on social media. I honestly feel that when I'm there and his attention is on me, she has to interrupt and divert it to herself cos it's always about her when she does and she starts a conversation with just him and her. He laughed it off but I think it's true. She loves attention, she's a strong personality. Even though She is lovely to me, and generous, if I really spoke up we would clash. Anyway, despite talking to him I feel crap. I did point out if she didn't live there, we wouldn't be talking about it. I dont get to spend the night, we have a few hours a week and I don't want her to be on it every week. I'm sure when she's upstairs in her bedroom with her bf M doesn't barge in and interrupt and to talk about himself. Maybe we should hsve our coffee in his bedroom? I really think she subconsciously wants his attention on her not me.
Sick of it.

[Guest_1584]

Hiya cm.

l've always tried to think past that idea with her bc she does always sound like she's good to you and actually likes you around , and so a lot of her stuff could go either way so l've tried to keep it positive. Buttttt, that one , no two ways about it , nothing either way about that . And if we added it to all her other stuff l reckon your about right in all that sorry to say. She's worn out my forgiving over looking for positive sides haha , well if it was me anyway.

lt's a strange thing from a sister isn't it especially her age, and she even likes him looking at her physically , just weird. love to know what a shrink would see in all that. Mind you and sorry to say but m doesn't exactly help the situation either.

Anyway , last the kids got to wreck her bed .

rx

[CMF]

Hey rx.

Yeah, I feel a bit sick. It just dawned on me when i was talking to him and thinking back on the pattern. It could be completely wrong but it is a pattern. She treats me like a sis, but this thing she has with M is too much. She def loves attention, always talking about herself, how people can't believe she wasn't born overseas cos she speaks 2nd language so well, how she was in Bali and had to show them how to make a coffee. How she told her friend how to use his pizza oven. Posting on FB her $3000 ring she bought from Tiffany, her $120000 car, her body building. Def loves attention. Someone pointed out that she's sort of 'in love' with M. She's helped him thròugh a lot during the divorce, but again, it's impressive to him. Her car impresses him, her fitness impresses him. It's a bit sickening. What frustrates me is that if she didn't live there, none of this would happen. M & I would have more privacy, less interruptions, I wouldn't feel like I'm visiting a married couple. He can't see it. I know he adores me,but when she's there she takes over and dominates everything. She even comes up in conversation when M & I are out, or she messages him. She has no regard for our time. She always gets what she wants. She loves bragging about how she lives with 3 men, she loves how she 'saved his house. Her bf lives with 2 guys, she'd love that already telling us how they speak their language and she can pick up what they're saying. Everything revolves around her and what she can do/buy and everyone has to know about it. M is oblivious to it all as he's not on social media so doesn't see it. He just thinks she's amazing. She couldthe reason I feel like walking away. Her obsession with attention and his attention is too much.After my last relationship and my ex pandering to his ex gf who couldn't move on I promised myself I wouldn't fight for someone's attention again
If M can't see how she's interfering, well...