Feeling lost and overwhelmed...what happened?

[CMF]

Wow, this was meant to be 'my' year. A new year, a fresh start, a year to focus on what i want to do and where i am headed but i have hit a brick wall and can't break through. Single mum 3 kids. My little one has more kinder sessions so i have 3 days with about 4 hours free. With kids at school/kinder, this was my plan and how i wanted to spend my time i was excited/positive up until last weeks:

Do a few odd jobs around the house, fix a few things, big clean up;

Join a gym, do yoga for relaxation, walk every day - take care of me

Do an online course or some short courses so i can think of going back to work next year when she starts school. I could do something i really enjoy, a new career.

Maybe do some casual work or start a little business from a hobby

How i feel now:

Don't know where to start,anxious, guilty for not doing anything with my free time yet

How will i juggle 2 teenagers and a preppie and work all on my own next year?

If i work next year who will look after the little one on school holidays? I don't want to use school holiday programs when she is in grade prep. The thought makes me sick.

Maybe i should sell the house, just get rid of the mortgage and rent and be free ( i have this thought every month around pmt time) but where would i go and would i be renting forever? I feel overwhelmed with mortgage and bills, just like everyone i guess. Am i running away from responsibility, am i lazy?

I feel i have to be doing something all the time, feel guilty if i take time out (i was fine first week of kinder, this started second week I feel guilty not working, Scared I'll get in trouble for not doing anything yet and for having free time. The course i wanted is too expensive but i can look at other options.

I feel like a lazy mum, bad example to set for my children.

I'm anxious and depressed. i look at others with their families and how they are happy and going out and going away because they can afford to.

Am i crazy for being like this? Am i a lazy person? I had it all planned out, what happened, why have i now fallen like this? I saw a positive future, upgrade my skills, get out there and be something now i cant see it anymore.

I've lost my direction. People have said to give myself time to adjust to having some free time and to take a break and then rethink what i want to do but i'm panicking, like i'm wasting my time and i cant get going. I don't deserve anything i have.

Thanks for reading

cmf x

[CMF]

So to continue on the theme of not being told things . M k just replied to a text and apologised for not replying earlier. He's had parent/teacher interviews all night but leaving soon. I replied that i didn't even know he had them. Such a simple tjing but I'm so peeved off. Why didn't he bother to tell me? Oh that's right, his 'family life is with his sis. She would know so why repeat it to me. Guess I don't have to know day to day things, the things you mention when on the phone the night before, or on a text in the morning. Guess he thinks it's not important to me but these are everyday things I want to be a part of
I'm peeved and hurt. Told him goodnight. I can feel another 'chat ' coming up. Sick of it. Sick of life. I'll just stay in my little corner and mind my own business

[CMF]

so apparently he did tell - lol. He was venting a few days ago about how much work he has to do and told me at the end about parent teacher interviews. I don't remember but at least he did or had intentions to haha.

[Guest_1584]

Hiya cm

l know you have 2 things on that stuff to deal with the sis thing and but l guess it comes down to patience . My ex just couldn't grasp it , l dunno why seems so easy to me, 20 yrs, but another 7 since because she still leaves out important stuff about my daughter all the time which is all we really contact about these days butttt, she still just can't seem to do it.

But funny thing , my daughters a very bright girl , but she complains how mum will go on about bs but not tell her important stuff well , yesterday ex is telling me how frustrated she gets with my daughter because she's so vague . There's some karma haha.

And yep , as bright as she is my daughter leaves big stuff out alllll the time too. A 100 times l've had to chase her up over things , so it looks like l'm stuck with not finding out shyt without digging for it.

Not sure who's getting the karma haha.

[CMF]

So I'm on the phone with M and can hear his sis talking in the background. I assume it's ti him as i can't hear anyone else in the conversation and M I is quiet, probably lustening to her.
Annoying. Seriously.

[Tess2]

Dear CMF,

i really feel for you and how this relationship is playing out. You need to put yourself first here for a while

tess

[quirkywords]

CMF

Have you thought how you would like to change the feeling you are not told things or are last to know? Is there something you can do or say? I know you have tried talking to M before.

[CMF]

Hi Tess and Quirky,

Tess, not his fault and i could have been wrong. Their household is busy and noisy.

Quirky, not really. He has been keeping me posted more and i make sure to write in my diary!

Last Sunday i was quite cranky when i got there. i was a little stressed as i had worked 6 days and had heaps to do. I got there thinking he may be ready to go out but has was still in cycling gear and they were getting ready for pancakes. I had rushed to get there and hadn't finished what i needed to do. Anyway, he knew i was cranky and when i mentioned it later he just said 'i know' but he made no big deal about it. I always admit when i am cranky, or make a wrong judgement. He knows i do it but never makes a big deal about it, lets me get my rant out.

So last night things blew up between his sis and her bf. She has had enough for a while but him not coming to their mum's 70th was the last straw. Apparently last night they had an argument about his behaviour and he stormed out. She has blocked him on her phone and does not want to hear from him. I guess that's the end of that. I don't know how she put up with it for 11 years. He has always gone out with his friends on the weekend. they never go out together, or talk about the future or kids (which she wants). He is never there for her and only turns up to have dinner once a week. I am so lucky. Despite things annoying me, M and i always talk about things, we go out for a beautiful lunch Sundays and spend the day together. I often pop over for a coffee on Saturday arvo and we support each other.He is already making suggestions for my 50th in June. He always tells me how much he loves me, there is never any doubt about how he feels. I mentioned to him last weekend he may need to have a chat with his sis about her relationship as she is clearly not happy. He said he didn't want to as she would cry and he cant handle tears very well, but he did talk to her last night after the argument and storm out. I feel for her, I'm sure she must see M and i and wish she had something like us.

[Tess2]

Hi CMF,

so pleased you are feeling better about it all. Relationships that come not in the flush of youth can be more difficult as there is more to negotiate. Still take care of yourself

tess

[CMF]

wow,l we finally had the house to ourselves for most of the afternoon. M's sis was away for the day and his boys went out. We went out for a nice lunch then spent quality time together and relaxed by the pool. Can't remember the last time we did that without worrying about someone coming home - oh, yes i do- it was before his sis moved in and his boys would spend an arvo with their mother. I told M i couldn't believe we actually had the house to ourselves for hours with no one walking in, he mentioned how good it is that his son now has his licence . Funny thing is, I was thinking more that it was good his sis was away for the day. I can understand his kids being around but i find it annoying when his sis is. The biys used to spend the arvo with their mum now and then but it rarely happens now. No effort from her and no interest from them. I still can't believe we were able to relax and enjoy each others' company at home. I was starting to feel that maybe i wouldn't like to live with M but i realise now i was feeling that way cos i never get to experience a good dose of time alone at home. I'd forgotten what it is like to relax and not have to worry about anyone walking in, I'd forgotten how much i missed it and how important it is for us to grow as a couple. No wonder i feel at times we are sort of not moving forward, growing together in the relationship. We are great together but not having quality, uninterrupted time is making me feel stagnant. My feelings were right. Sunday date day is great, but sometimes private alone time is needed. 'Private" being the operative work here.

[CMF]

First of all I'm tired. Really tired, emotional and highly strung. I expressed my desire for extra hours at work but now i can't seem to get a day off.Not complaining, i'm very grateful, but i'm tired. Couple of hours today became 5 hours. Rush to pick up litle miss, rush to parent teacher interviews for miss teenager, rush to get diner, take my son to work, make cakes for M's bday, rush to his house for his bday. I was exhausted by the time i got there. they were still having dinner. We didn't get asked for dinner despite him thinking it was just little miss and i, but if his sis was still with her bf he would have been there as it 'Wednesday. Bit weird. His older son is great with the kids but always revs up little miss. He pretended he was going to throw her in the pool, she was almost in tears. Had to say something. She kept squealing, they kept asking her to please stop but he was making her do it,chasing her around.His sis made a cake as a practise one she want to make for her 40th. It was all about the cake, the great cake. I know M was just being grateful but i felt like crap, left out. The cannoli I made sat there, they kids had one and m said they were a hit, but he hadn't tried one yet. He did eventually and liked them but it was the cake. Miss teenager then went for a walk with his boys, at 9.30pm i was ringing as i wanted to come home. I questioned why they would go so late and his sis said that the son doesn't think before he suggests something. Then he was mucking around with little miss again whilst i was tryng to get her ready to come home. I lost my patience till miss teenager said its not her fault and yes i had to agree, his sis heard. Next week i have a course for work. I have to drop off little miss extra early to get to head office where there is no parking. It is frustrating and stressful plus i have to cover the other girls shift 'Wednesday so she can go but she selfishly will not cover for me Thursday so i can get a lift. No one gets it. Catch a tram M says. If i do that i will not get back to work till 3pm and that is a waste. I'll still need to take little miss early, need to drive to the tram, leave my car, get tram back and drive to work. It's all easy when you are not the one who has to do it. It is an inconvenience for me as a single mum with no one who can help so early in the morning. I'm tired, i'm teary, I'm frustrated. Sick of people who have ti easy and don't get it. Over it.