Feeling lost and overwhelmed...what happened?

CMF · ‎20-02-2017

Wow, this was meant to be 'my' year. A new year, a fresh start, a year to focus on what i want to do and where i am headed but i have hit a brick wall and can't break through. Single mum 3 kids. My little one has more kinder sessions so i have 3 days with about 4 hours free. With kids at school/kinder, this was my plan and how i wanted to spend my time i was excited/positive up until last weeks:

Do a few odd jobs around the house, fix a few things, big clean up;

Join a gym, do yoga for relaxation, walk every day - take care of me

Do an online course or some short courses so i can think of going back to work next year when she starts school. I could do something i really enjoy, a new career.

Maybe do some casual work or start a little business from a hobby

How i feel now:

Don't know where to start,anxious, guilty for not doing anything with my free time yet

How will i juggle 2 teenagers and a preppie and work all on my own next year?

If i work next year who will look after the little one on school holidays? I don't want to use school holiday programs when she is in grade prep. The thought makes me sick.

Maybe i should sell the house, just get rid of the mortgage and rent and be free ( i have this thought every month around pmt time) but where would i go and would i be renting forever? I feel overwhelmed with mortgage and bills, just like everyone i guess. Am i running away from responsibility, am i lazy?

I feel i have to be doing something all the time, feel guilty if i take time out (i was fine first week of kinder, this started second week I feel guilty not working, Scared I'll get in trouble for not doing anything yet and for having free time. The course i wanted is too expensive but i can look at other options.

I feel like a lazy mum, bad example to set for my children.

I'm anxious and depressed. i look at others with their families and how they are happy and going out and going away because they can afford to.

Am i crazy for being like this? Am i a lazy person? I had it all planned out, what happened, why have i now fallen like this? I saw a positive future, upgrade my skills, get out there and be something now i cant see it anymore.

I've lost my direction. People have said to give myself time to adjust to having some free time and to take a break and then rethink what i want to do but i'm panicking, like i'm wasting my time and i cant get going. I don't deserve anything i have.

Thanks for reading

cmf x

Guest_1584 · ‎13-01-2020

Hiya cm .

No worries it is true , it's not just you. l've dealt with it and been around it all myself , the mind just boggles l know.

Yeah l wonder , should do it , that peace sounds pretty good to me.

Keep rollin eh.

rx

CMF · ‎29-01-2020

Hi all, me again,

Feeling a little anxious today. One of my work colleagues asked if we could swap our Tue/Thur as she is organising her uni timetable. So i will be working Mon,Thur, Fri. I am happy to help her out so she won't have to change subjects , and she thanked me so much, but i didn't really want to swap the Tuesday, wanted to swap the Friday. It's a l good, maybe its the universe? It means i will only have one day with the the one that drives me crazy doing all her personal stuff and not answering the phones etc.Why is it always me chopping and changing for others , she will never swap for anyone. Maybe it's a blessing in disguise? I am trying to be positive. Little miss started back at school today too. I continue to hear about things from other people instead of M. Apparently next week there is a surprise party for his cousin who got his Doctorate, M hasn't told me and his sis has booked a venue for her 40th. It's not till March but others know about it yet i don't. He did mention a week or so ago where she was looking to book but it wasn't confirmed, so why do others' know? Last week he told me something that he thought he already had then realised it was his sis he told. I feel like i get the 'off cuts'. Anyway, i think it is my anxiety talking again. When he does eventually tell me i will point out that i heard from someone else, who was surprised i dint know, and ill tell him it annoys me. His sis told me something a few weeks ago, nothing big, but asked 'didn't M tell you?" It is frustrating, why cant he have the conversation with me like i have with him. I guess he feel its not important stuff but i'm sick of hearing 'oh, don't you know?"

Oh well, whatever.

quirkywords · ‎31-01-2020

Hello me again,

I know someone who always says why wasn’t I told, I am always told last etc and honestly it can be hard to tell everyone at the same time.

There was a mini family together a few years ago people thought I wouldn’t come to the city so I wasn’t invited. just one of those things.

I am so glad you had great meal with M and a great holiday with his family.

Quirky

CMF · ‎02-02-2020

Had a beautiful dinner at a friend's home tonight. Surprise, surprise, whilst talking about M's study the next few years i hear that he may go to the Philippines as part of his course. Do it, do it, everyone is saying but I know nothing about it. D o I feel unimportant? Yes. I mentioned it in the car on the way home. He apologised, thought I saw the letter on the table. Even if i did I wouldn't read it and I want him to tell me, not find out by reading his personal mail. I guess he told his sis and discussed it with her and thought it was me. 3 in the relationship. Told him I feel I always hear things thru conversations with others. He sounded annoyed, said it's been a couple of things, not always. I pointed out the upcoming functions I heard about from his aunty. He thought I knew, that I was there. Told him I knew nothing about them. I can't believe he doesn't realise he hasn't had these conversations with me. I'm know it's not on purpose but I'm sure he's confused about whom he's in a relationship with. I feel not important enough to remember if he's told me.

CMF · ‎02-02-2020

Today we are going out for his mum's 70th bday. I feel like I don't want to go. I may find out more things I haven't been told about. That will really peeve me off. If conversations start a bout trips, functions and everyone knows but there's been no conversation with me I'm gonna be really hurt.

quirkywords · ‎02-02-2020

CMF

I can feel your frustration about left out of the loop.It is annoying you but you know it is unintentional.

Do you have whats app, so maybe everyone can be told at once and M doesn't have to be confused. I know you want to be told personally.

I know you like Ms mum so I hope you enjoy the birthday meal with her. Have a an enjoyable day.

Quirky

CMF · ‎02-02-2020

Hey Quirky,

He is so wonderful and loves me so much. i know that. I am trying to see the 'funny' side - that he is just being him and it definitely not intentional. He has alot on his mind i think, back at work, starting further studies, working out how he is going to do it all etc.

The lunch was beautiful, his mum looked so happy. On a sad note, his sis' boyfriend did not come as he does not like to get up Sunday mornings and blamed her for organising a lunch. He could not make the effort and she made it clear she has had enough. After 11 years he could not make the effort for their mum. M was disappointed and said to me that he thinks the guy just does not know ow to be in a relationship,how to give a little and not go out with the boys every 'Saturday night. He came to the beach for a night on our holiday, she told me she actually did not invite him to come, he just turned up. I don't know how or why she has put up with it for 11 years. She is 40 and supposedly wants to have kids. Since moving in with M she never sleeps at her bf's anymore and the rarely go out together. It's not my business but I feel she has wasted 11 years of her life. On another note, as i have mentioned before, unless something changes with her ie marriage, she will have no intention of moving out of M's (which is also hers now). She has the'happy family' set up. I've told him I'm not going to do this for 10 years, just go out on a Sunday while they play families during the week. I'm always gonna feel like the third wheel while she organises all of them.

Interesting times ahead.

Guest_1584 · ‎02-02-2020

Ahhh, cm cm.

Damn. She is supplementing seen the exact thing with my sister , a least m's has a bf though , well atm , or it'd be worse. Not much help l know sorry.

My ex always forgot to tell me things , often very big things, it really affd us up in a serious way quite a few times too. She didn't mean to she always meant well and tried, it was just some weird thing she just never got the hang of for some weird reason.

Such a shame she's living with him , take away a lot of his need , some platonic sister thing almost fills the void. Weird .

Sorry l don't have some magic bullet , hang on , bullet , hmm, sorry couldn't resist she's frustrating me too.

rx

CMF · ‎04-02-2020

Hey rx,

Yeah, i can see you know where i'm coming from. I know his sis means well. Gonna be an interesting year. I can see i may be speaking up alot about the situation. M told me on his way home tonight that he has so much work to do when he gets home. He doesn't know how he can do it all and study as well. Sort of wonder where i will fit in. i know he will make time for me but i can see how busy he is going to be...for the next 3 years. His sis is busy next 9 months with her sport body building thing and I think has told her bf no more Wednesday night dinners as she will be training. Said it is about her now. She has a point, but i still don't know how she has spent 10 years with a guy who does out every 'Saturday night with his mates and doesn't spend time at family functions cos he has to do what he wants ie sleep in. I just don't get it. I'm sure he will still turn up for the dinners as he likes M, but M is busy with work/study and won't have time to baby sit her bf, especially if she is not there as she is training. Not fair on m if that happens as i know he is too nice to say anything. You're right rx, 'some platonic sister thing almost fills the void' and yes, it is weird. I don't know why she doesn't just end it, she is clearly not happy and hasn't been for a while, but if she does what then? She will be living with m forever, how can he ask her to move out when she owns half the house now? I'm not in a hurry to move in but i want him to understand how i see the situation. I have told him, i think he sees my point and has an idea how to pay her out but it all feel like such a long journey. I thought eventually she's get married and move out with her bf but i can see that will not happen. One step forward, two steps back. If we get to a point where our kids are all out and i can sleep over i don't really want it to be with her living there. I want privacy.

Aaaaaahhh...interesting times...

CMF · ‎05-02-2020

Ok, anxiety kicked in again and feeling really down. Confused about the days as I changed work days and have tue/wed off now so 2 days of work ahead. Feels like a long week. I feel like giving up. Throwing in the towel on everything. Wish I could hide under a rock.