Feeling down due to fatigue & undiagnosed health issues

[Elizabeth CP]

I haven't been using the forums much apart from a couple of responses to others posts. I stopped as I was too busy & trying to keep up with the forums was becoming too stressful. In September My husband went to Europe which was great although tiring due to the pace of the tour we did. Unfortunately a few days before returning home I fell heavily on concrete steps hurting my right side. I continued on relying on icepacks to manage the pain. I couldn't sleep because of the pain when lying down. The last day I came down with a bad cold which developed into a chest infection later on. The pain eased after 6 weeks & I recovered from the chest infection but have ongoing problems with fatigue & abdominal discomfort. My GP arranged pathology tests. The blood tests are normal but urine isn't. Today I was sent for a ultrasound of kidneys & bladder. Next week I have a gastroscopy & colonoscopy. My stress levels seem to be escalating out of proportion each time I see the GP & get sent for more tests. Prior to my accident my mental health issues were settling down but the last week it is much worse. I have lost my temper a few times in the last week without much provocation. This is not normal for me. I have been on a diet for several months but I am now finding it really hard to stick to it I just want to go & eat food I know will make me feel worse. The diet is a healthy one which I normally find easy to stick to because the food is satisfying.

I just want to get back on track & feel in control of my life & not feel so stressed & down. I also feel guilty for feeling this way because There is no confirmation of a serious illness.

[Elizabeth CP]

Thanks Pam, I struggle knowing how much support to provide for my son but this time I was left with little option. DIL going on holiday & psych teams wanting to hospitalise my son which meant grandkids taken by DHS. I have always supported all my children when needed but find it much harder with this son because of the DIL. I have in the past remained more distant to his kids compared to the rest.

Guilt & worry have been an issue since I was burnt out leaving me feeling guilty for not helping more. To cope I have tried to make it up to my parents & others by doing what I can to help & feel useful. Being bullied at school also played a big part in affecting my self esteem. As my husbands health deteriorated I have needed to do things which I have never felt competent to do which has added to the worry. I set goals but things seem to go wrong making them hard to achieve.

Thank you Karen for your kind words & suppport

[Doolhof]

Hi Elizabeth,

Feeling like you are being stretched and over extended can certainly exhaust a person. I would just like to congratulate you for all that you are able to achieve!

Sometimes when my mind is totally frazzled I will try and do a Sudoku puzzle. My brain can not think on all those negatives rattling around in my head and the puzzle at the same time.

Gardening helps me as well, though it does still allow the mind to roam around where ever it likes. When I have a sense of achieving something I feel better about myself.

Is there a little something you can do that will provide a sense of morale boosting when it is completed? Doesn't have to be a big thing at all. Sometimes doing the dishes can be a huge achievement.

Sounds like a walk is a bit of a struggle, what about a dance around the kitchen table while no one is looking? Grab a couple of scarves and think of belly dancing for an Egyptian Prince.

Hope you find some distractions that help you and also replenish you too!

Cheers from Dools

[PamelaR]

Awwww Elizabeth you are having a hard time of it atm.

It kind of fits together doesn't it, your worry about how much you can do for your family and what you could do during the fire.

If I remember correctly, your mum was in control and made you stay inside. Again, before we discuss this, I really hope you talk with your therapist about all this because, my thoughts are just that thoughts! So -

• your mum wanted to do the best by you. Which is generally the role of mums. In the instance of the fire - I wouldn't have hesitated to make sure of your safety. That would have been paramount. The guilt you have for that is common - you were not in the centre of things with others who were experiencing all that trauma. But you did experience trauma. Watching what was happening, not being able to help. You've done your 'share' of caring and traumatising. Have a think about addressing your guilt about this incident with your therapist? Find out what you can do to move on from this incident and let it go?

• of course you want to be the best mother. You have visions of how your mother saved you and what I see is you trying to save your son and his children in the same way. The circumstances are different though. He is older, he has his own life, wife and circumstances. That is the huge difference. You were a child when the fire happened. He is an adult. Again, this is a major thing you ought to think about discussing with your therapist.

Hope I've helped in some way Elizabeth.

[Elizabeth CP]

Thanks Dools & Pam,

I think that I have been really overdoing things so when I stop I have no energy to do anything. Today my son came with the grandkids. They decided to go to a nearby playground after lunch but I was so exhausted I stayed home just sending my husband with him. I tried reading & doing a suduko but was too tired to concentrate.

Pam My memory of my mum at the time of the fire is her making sensible decisions often on the spur of the moment to manage the situation. At the time I was so convinced I was going to die I did nothing except responding to very specific demands by my mum. I never expected to be able to fight the fire but I do feel guilty that I didn't collect photos & other keepsakes to carry out of the fire. The other huge issue is the comparison between my mother's calm logical way of dealing with a very stressful situation with no experience & my reactions in stressful situations since I've been an adult. I believe that I would put everyone in danger so this makes me feel like a failure.

I feel bad that I can't look forward to spending time with my son & his family in the way I do with the rest of the family. I invite his family to family activities but tend to hope that his wife won't come

[PamelaR]

Dear Dools

Awww, you are feeling like you are not as good as your mum. IMO that is a tall order!! People are so different and have many different skills, experience and abilities. While you mum was able to make quick decisions in a stressful situation, to me means this is her strength. No everyone can respond to emergency situations in the same way, i.e. making quick decisions. I know that from my own experience when there was an disaster in the building I worked in and where I was responsible for the facility. The feedback I received was not what I would have liked. But, I learnt from that experience.

From your experience as a child and seeing what you perceived as your 'mother's' logical way of handling things' was just that. Your perception as a child. It also related to something very 'physical/environmental'. You seem to be trying to compare your experience as a mother providing your son and family with support in the same way. However, this is based on relationships and social issues - not physical and/or environmental. So to me you may be trying to compare apples with oranges.

My view is you are hard on yourself and need to be kind to yourself. You may never have a good relationship with your DIL. And that is okay! There is no 'rule' that says you must have a good relationship. What is important is that your provide the love, kindness and caring to your family. It doesn't mean you have to accept their behaviour.

Hope I've helped you is some way Elizabeth

[Croix]

Dear Elizabeth~

You have set yourself impossible standards. How a child looks at a parent, how a member of the public looks at a firefighter, all one sees is the outside. They do not see the fear or doubts or indecision, only the end result, and what they see is highly colored by their ideas.

You obeyed your mum, that was your task, not running around pick up things to save. You did right, it is that simple. You will never be in the exact same position she was, for a start she did not have the legacy of the fire in her mind as you have throughout your life.

As PamelaR says, different people have different strengths, you know yours, they are as necessary as any your mother ever had.

DILs can be a real problem and you are coping. There is no good solution with a person like that. I'm sure your son appreciates the lengths you go to.

Throughout all your posts I've come to regard you as a very capable person.

Croix (who is getting far too serious:)

[PamelaR]

Sorry Dools and Elizabeth for any confusion I may have caused.

Had a bit of oldtimers. My post above Croix's was incorrectly addressed to Dools.

Baaahh.

Kindness to you all. (Croix included 🙂 )

[Doolhof]

Hi PamelaR, And All,

No need to apologise, simple enough to do Pamela.

One thing my psychologist is trying to teach me is to not be so self judgemental and critical.

Not an easy thing for me to do or to try and change. I keep reminding myself often that I can control my thoughts and actions to a certain degree.

Letting go of my own thoughts and beliefs about my inadequacies will go a long way. Each of us can only be the person we are and work on being better at being ME.

We can admire qualities in others, and then consider our own strengths and work on those. We can not be someone else.

The morale of this post, I am ME and you are You and we are all special in our own way! Warts and all.

Cheers from Dools

[PamelaR]

Thank you Mrs Dools. I know what you mean about 'self critical'. Part of my ongoing battle with PTSD (I'm realising from Sara's and Amanda's post that I have C-PTSD although it has never been talked about in those terms).

Hi Elizabeth. Just wondering how you are today? Have things settled? The news reporting about the fire is awful, so I can't even imagine how you feeling.

Kind regards

PamelaR

[Elizabeth CP]

Thanks Croix, Dools & Pamela,

I read your posts and appreciated them. I am unsure how to reply. I have found it difficult having so many reports on the radio re bushfires stirring things up. Today I had to see my GP to get a new referral. I've changed GPs so hadn;t told her before about my MH issues. I found it difficult having to explain what has happened in a short visit. It just stirred things up.

It is easy to to say I should be less self critical but not so easy after doing this for so long.