Dealing with a cheating ex

[There]

Hey everyone,

I’m completely new here and needing support. My ex broke up with me 6 weeks ago. I’m feeling completely lost and empty. He came into my life after my marriage broke down (another story) and helped me get back on my feet. We had so much contact, loved doing the same things and spent so much time together. We were long distance for 6 months before I moved for him and a great job opportunity. I’d been in Vic for 11 months when he decided to break it off. He’s a very supportive person who likes to help people. So I wasn’t worried when he was helping a couple of female friends. We began to have an issue when I asked for some reassurance (he had increased phone usage and turning phone on silent - my ex husband cheated on me also, so I realize that I could be hyper sensitive to that) about these ladies and I suggested that it could be in the form of meeting them or anything that was comfortable to him. He got defensive and 3 days later broke up with me saying that he wanted space, it was him and he needed to deal with his issues and fix himself. He led me on a little bit saying things like he wanted to check in, he wasn’t sure if we were over or not etc. fast forward 4 weeks later and he’s seeing one of the girls (the one he works with and not his typical type of woman he likes). I’m finding this so hard to deal with. I have no motivation, I feel empty and just so hurt. I actually don’t think he was that honest in our relationship (I’ve since found out some other lies he told me at the start of our relationship). My head knows that he is bad for me as I’ve also come to realize from self reflection that he actually isn’t that supportive and is very selfish, doesn’t truly communicate (only on his terms or when he wants/needs something). My heart just wants him to come back and work on things with me and I know that’s not going to happen. I’m so down he has just moved on and I feel like he didn’t value our relationship at all. I’m crying all the time and sometimes I don’t even know why. I feel like I have no friends here in Vic and everything I do or want to do reminds me of him because it’s the things we used to do. I’m terrified of running into them as I know he would still be doing the things we would do together (with or without her). Just feeling so lost.

Thanks x

[Croix]

Dear T(here)~

I'm not in the least surprised you are feeling lost. Your marriage breaking up must have been a huge thing in your life and to find someone there for you who promised to support you and help you get though it all would have seemed truly great. Now 15 months later you have found he was not the person you hoped.

These last six weeks would have been so hard to live though. I can well understand that sort of split feeling, your heart really wants to see him return, but your common sense is telling you what he is really like.

It is very easy when in a vulnerable state to simply accept people as they present themselves and unfortunately there are those that take advantage. So being terribly upset and distraught is very natural.

In someways it's a real pity you have moved interstate. Have you considered moving back? I realize you also came for a job, what do you think? Actually if there is anyone such as a parent or family member who can give you support I'd suggest you get in contact now. Trying to battle on on your own would be very hard.

I found when I was suffering from from grief and alone my work took over a big part of my life and became both occupation and distraction. Is it the same for you?

Please feel you can come and talk here as often as you'd like

Croix

[There]

Hi Croix,

Thanks for your response. I’m not too far from my family (6 hr car drive). I’m lucky I have the family unit I do. My sister in law has been a god send. I don’t think I could’ve got this far without them. I live with my cousin which is great but also hard as she always says she has no feelings. Sometimes it’s hard to talk to her and I get the feeling she gets sick of me talking about the break up. She suffers from mental health issues and I’m scared I’ll trigger her. I’m just always so sad and I get frustrated that he isn’t feeling the same because he is happy with his new woman.

I took the marriage breakdown better than this break up and I suspect I have some residule feelings left over from that. My ex husband created a fake Facebook profile, lied about who he was and catfished a girl 12 years younger who he has a child with now.

I found comfort in my ex who I thought understood me, and understood my emotional baggage. When it came to really supporting me and when I needed him the most he cut and ran. All I wanted was for him to be there for me. I look back now at the kind of person he is and realise that everything he does is for himself, communicates what he wants, supports when he wants all on his terms. I’m a laid back giving person so it was me giving and him taking kind of relationship. We were planning a life and future together with his son. Now he is with the woman he emationally leaned out for and I wonder if he will ever realise how good we were together.

I don’t think I could move back as I’d feel like I’d be taking more steps back. I go to work (love my job) but find it hard to concentrate and feel like I’m just waiting till 5 then I’m so exhausted from trying to hold it together all day. My mind can’t stop ticking and I have these moments of anxiety and panic that he’s not there for me anymore. I didn’t have this feeling with my ex husband. I just want him back and I know that’s not going to happen. Trying to cope with that is the hardest part.

Thank you for listening Croix. I appreciate your time and thoughts.

J

[Croix]

Dear J~

Thank you for replying. I would imagine you are feeling more this time around because it is on top of the last time. Even if you felt you were taking the marriage breakup well you would not be human if you did not have deep feelings about it. Betrayal, being devalued, grief, loss and even possibly some self doubt all hit hard.

He may be happy with a new woman, however I don't envy her position. I would be surprised if his ways changed much. Then it will be another.

Maybe it might help to regard the whole thing as one incident, now closed. The breakup, the false start with this unscrupulous person and all. I suspect it precisely because of your giving nature and vulnerability he hooked on to you, and that is simply bad luck. It could just as easily have been with a worthy person. My wife and I met each other during a period of great grief and vulnerability for each of us, and we are still together in love after 20+ years.

I'd also think now the next person you have a serious relationship with (and I'd hope you will at some stage) is going to have to work extra hard to gain your trust. A good measure of their commitment.

At the moment I'm not surprised work is taxing, even if a good position. Emotions of this intensity are absolutely exhausting. Is there any possibility of easing off the pressure at work for a few week, lighter duties or shorter hours?

Having a supportive and loving family is a great thing. My partner was a very great support when I became ill - something that was very hard on her unfortunately, but it got me though to the stage where I could return care and affection. So I'd imagine even if a long drive away knowing they are there in the background is pretty good.

It may be that talking frankly to your cousin about what she wants in the way of boundaries might help you both, getting rid of any uncertainty as to what you should say, and keeping her out of areas she does not want to go into.

Croix

[There]

Thank you again Croix for your words. You have a different perspective than everyone I’ve spoken to. I’ve never thought of it as one incident. Maybe that is the way to look at it? 

Since he broke up with me I’ve come to realise he only communicates, supports on his own terms to benefit himself. He was married also, we met soon after our marriages ended but I’ve since found out he emotionally lent out on her too (he lied about that) and I don’t think he’ll ever change. It baffles me how he was married for 15 years. 

I’ve been worried how to handle a future relationship because my trust has been broken so much by the one person(s) who is meant to always have my back. I used to give out trust so easily and now... I can’t even think of trusting someone which is the one thing I hate that I’ve had to learn from these situations (or this situation to think of it as one). 

Im the lead in my department, I don’t think I can ask for less work and I’d feel so bad doing less when everyone is doing more. 

As for my cousin, that might be the best option. I’m actually so scared that she’s going to want to move home. She’s not making great money and is trying to get another job but she hasn’t been able to get anything yet. I’ve asked her to look into recruiters but she hasn’t wanted to get into that. Maybe a frank conversation is best?

Thanks again Croix

J

[Croix]

Dear J~

Thank you. Well in your shoes I'd be worried about a future relationship too. As you say your trust has been terribly shattered and I'd suspect that it is not something you are going to recover from all by yourself. That's why I mentioned my own marriage, which has been successful in combating another sort of distrust - that the one you love will pass away. Not at all the same I know, however it makes me think that rebuilding is a two-person venture.

If someone loves you they will make an extra and sustained effort to make you feel secure, not out of duty, but from a basic desire to make you happy - to cherish you - as they will understand your background. Something I'm sure you too would give in the right circumstances.

Good luck talking with your cousin, while I can understand you do not want to overwhelm her with talk of your ill-fortune most people do want to help - as they can - and gain satisfaction and feel good from doing so. A balance I guess.

Croix

[White_Rose]

Dear J

Hello and welcome.

I see Croix has already talked with you. Good stuff. My experience has been different to his. Not in marriage/partner/boyfriend but in another situation. I emerged battered and hurting. Huge betrayal of trust making me disinclined to trust anyone again. It has been taking its toll of me emotionally and that often rubs off on my physical health. Not surprising really.

Having that dreadful feeling of loss for the person you once thought the light of your life is so hard. So what can you do? Well you can avoid places he is likely to be. Seeing him with someone else will be painful. Croix has said it is one incident in your life and this is true. Because you are still so close it seems to fill your world. In time this part of your life will be less intrusive and more easily managed. Sadly it is a matter of time and I know how hard it is to wait.

You commented about being fearful of being in another relationship. I can appreciate that. May I suggest that you not consider meeting someone at the moment. Not sure how long after your marriage break up you met this man. I suspect not long as you have commented how much support he gave you and helped you through a tough time. I also feel there are men who look for vulnerable women. He may not realise he does this but it sounds like it. He can be the safe haven and you will be so grateful that he cares that you will not notice his lies and cheating.

It's not a pretty picture I know but I also speak from my experience. Again not the same situation but a similar outcome. Perhaps you can find your own strength and learn to be self sufficient. When you are satisfied with yourself, feel confident and worthwhile, able to take charge of your life and its inevitable disappointments, you can find another partner, or more probably, he will find you. The person who is in control of herself is always attractive to others.

You have received two hard knocks. You are aware this latest relationship will not work if he wants to return, even though your heart wants to get together again. Your head is wiser and is warning you. Someone once told me to listen to my body, and while there are two part operating opposite each other, listen to the voice that is telling you to act in the best way for you.

Yes, this is one incident and will fade eventually though not without hurt. You will recover. I hope you continue to write in here.

Mary

[Ruby3]

Hi T(here)

just read your post and although I probably don’t have any good advice I just wanted to let you know that I am going through something very similar.

My husband Walked out on me and my son at New Years saying he needed space and wasn’t sure he wanted to be with me anymore, fast forward a couple of weeks and I discovered he’d actually been cheating for months.

I feel your pain, I’m angry, lonely, miss him etc. my friends are also getting a little fed up with me talking about it but how can we stop? It feels as though our whole life has stopped?

anyway, if you ever want to talk I’m here and I understand how you must feel.

Hope you’re ok

nikki

[There]

Hi Croix,

I hope you are right. I hope I can eventually find someone that will want to emotionally grow with me not just cut and run when things get rough, which isn’t often - I’m pretty easy going! Which I have also worried if that’s my problem. I don’t make enough fuss over little things like others. I’m genuinely happy to let others decide if they have a preference because I want them to be happy, people pleaser I guess you’d call it but in the wrong circumstance (like with my ex) he walked over me a bit and it’s my fault for letting that happen. I feel you’re right, it’s a two person thing.

I’ve had a chat with my cousin. Not about the fact I’m scared she’ll leave but she crashed Friday. We were able to talk about it when she was ready and she knew it was coming. I hope I can be as much of a support for her as she has been for me. I’m feeling a bit better about our relationship.

Thanks again - J

[There]

Hi Nikki,

Firstly I’m so so sorry you’ve had to go trough that. I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. The thing I found when my husband left was the first’s were the worst. First birthday, first Valentine’s Day, first Christmas, etc. please be prepared for that. Have a friend around or try and do something to get yourself out of the house and not thinking about it, which is bloody hard.

How do you feel? If he said he wanted to come back would you? I’m 6 almost 7 weeks out with my break up (not my ex husband) and knowing all I know, I would but I know I’m my heart it would be so hard.

I’m just finding the day to day grind hard. Knowing he’s not a phone call away, knowing I’m not seeing him and knowing he’s out doing and being all the things he was with me, with her. That’s the hardest part for me. How are you?

Please feel free to vent here (as I will) because it is all consuming. Your world has just crashed down and unless you’ve been through it, you don’t understand. I have friends who give me ‘tough love’ which sometimes is good but other times I just want to try and hash it out, work out why this or that happened and I need the people who knew him to help me with that. Don’t ever apologize for talking about it too much. You’ve lost a piece of you, it’s hard to try and find something to fill the void.

All I can say is be kind to yourself. Try and do things step by step and take each day minute by minute because sometimes that’s all you can do. I see a psychologist and I find that helps with getting a different view on how people tick.

I’m here for you Nikki. We can get through this together if you like?

J x