Dealing with a cheating ex

[There]

Hey everyone,

I’m completely new here and needing support. My ex broke up with me 6 weeks ago. I’m feeling completely lost and empty. He came into my life after my marriage broke down (another story) and helped me get back on my feet. We had so much contact, loved doing the same things and spent so much time together. We were long distance for 6 months before I moved for him and a great job opportunity. I’d been in Vic for 11 months when he decided to break it off. He’s a very supportive person who likes to help people. So I wasn’t worried when he was helping a couple of female friends. We began to have an issue when I asked for some reassurance (he had increased phone usage and turning phone on silent - my ex husband cheated on me also, so I realize that I could be hyper sensitive to that) about these ladies and I suggested that it could be in the form of meeting them or anything that was comfortable to him. He got defensive and 3 days later broke up with me saying that he wanted space, it was him and he needed to deal with his issues and fix himself. He led me on a little bit saying things like he wanted to check in, he wasn’t sure if we were over or not etc. fast forward 4 weeks later and he’s seeing one of the girls (the one he works with and not his typical type of woman he likes). I’m finding this so hard to deal with. I have no motivation, I feel empty and just so hurt. I actually don’t think he was that honest in our relationship (I’ve since found out some other lies he told me at the start of our relationship). My head knows that he is bad for me as I’ve also come to realize from self reflection that he actually isn’t that supportive and is very selfish, doesn’t truly communicate (only on his terms or when he wants/needs something). My heart just wants him to come back and work on things with me and I know that’s not going to happen. I’m so down he has just moved on and I feel like he didn’t value our relationship at all. I’m crying all the time and sometimes I don’t even know why. I feel like I have no friends here in Vic and everything I do or want to do reminds me of him because it’s the things we used to do. I’m terrified of running into them as I know he would still be doing the things we would do together (with or without her). Just feeling so lost.

Thanks x

[There]

Hi Mary,

Thank you for posting here. I really appreciate it.

I’ve thought about avoiding the places we used to go but then I’m avoiding doing the things that I like doing. I love going to the old cinema and watching trashy movies like we used to (there’s only one cinema that plays the old stuff near where we live). I don’t want to stop being me just because I might see them, that’s not fair. Not sure how I’ll go but I can’t hide. I can’t change what he’s done or who he’s left me for but I can choose to ignore them if I see them. I’d hope they’d do the same.

The marriage break up and finding my ex (let’s call him Mr. M) was only a few months. Same for him and his ex wife. Although my ex hubby (Mr. H) and I had been emotionally apart for a very long time. Still doesn’t spare the shock and pain of your husband cheating on you. I think he knows that he likes women he hasn’t to ‘save’ as the woman that he’s left me for (he would say otherwise) he was helping her out of an abusive relationship with a man who she has children with I suspect that Mr. M will soon get tired of her and move onto the next one, like he did with me. He’s not very compromising at his core (and quite selfish) and always said the relationship he had with me was the easiest one he had ever had and I was so easy to love.

I feel you’re right Mary. I’m going to work on myself, get fit, healthy and happy and someone will come along or I will go looking when I’m ready. The road to being ready sucks though and it can be lonely.

I hope things are ok with you, please feel free to share here if you feel like you want to.

J x

[Ruby3]

Hi J

i really appreciate your reply. To have someone going through the same thing helps immensely.

Your feelings are the exact same as mine. And the sad thing is that yes I too would take him back if he asked (not that he ever would) which I hate because he’s humiliated me and I could never ever trust him again but he was genuinely my best friend.

I too find the hard things being the little things, my son will do something funny and I can’t text him to tell him or I’m scared because I hear a noise in the house and he’s not there to comfort me. I constantly think about what he’s doing with her over and over, what is it that she has that I don’t?

I recently posted my own post and said that the only way I can describe it is that I feel like I’m dying inside. I smile and do all the ‘right’ things but it’s just a front. Is that what you think?

nikki x

[Guest_1584]

Hi there , sounds a bit like my sitch but l'm sorry it's all gone down.

First divorce then someone new then that went to shyt and here l am. Much much more to it all of course but yaknow. No moving interstate though for me but one of us would've had to had moved a little bit further , ummm , across the world actually. we split 4mths ago now so still very much so missing our bubble.

l'm in vic to , damn . You've had some rough times there too and l'm sorry about it all.But that's a good idea focusing on you for awhile , l hope it helps a bit. Me damned if l know , still figuring it out. l'm stuck in a big house on my own and with the joy of all the bills and repayments too lucky me but l'm thinking l should move later in the year.

So your not alone , but we are alone too , so many people going through all this stuff l've sadly found out.

But we'll soldier on l guess eh. Hope your ok.

rx

[White_Rose]

Hello J

Thanks for your post and for offering me the opportunity to share. I left my husband 18 years ago and a year later fell into a huge depression. Move on a few years and I am OK about him. The most difficult part is that I see him regularly at family gatherings such as Christmas and the grandchildren's birthday parties. I manage that mostly although I simply ignore him at times. Thanks for asking.

So pleased you are going to work on yourself. I went back to uni to complete a masters degree in ethics. Completed most of it but became unwell and sadly did not finish it. Like you I worked on my health and well-being. I tried various groups around and found activities I enjoy. I attend an Anglican church every week and have a couple of jobs I do there. The friends I have made there are wonderful and accept how I can get down. I meditate, member of a book club and a group of ladies comer to a study group at my home. I enjoy sewing and embroidery, reading and talking to people on Beyond Blue. Have four children and eight grandchildren who I sew for quite often.

I was involved in a car accident a few weeks ago and my leg was injured. Now getting around with the help of a walking stick and I am getting better, though some days are not so good. Overall I am winning.

I agree with you about the places you like going. I think I meant don't go because you went there with Mr M unless you enjoyed it particularly,, such as the cinema.

I think this post is more about me than you so thank you.

Mary

[There]

Hi Nikki,

Yes, same head space here... I was feeling like that until the last couple of days. Somethings clicked in the last 2 days for me... I can’t change it, I can’t do anything about it. That’s it. It’s so freaking sad but it is what it is. It’s hard to accept because I had so much hope about fixing us. This has taken a weight off my shoulders.

I too think about all the same things (what’s he doing, who’s he with, what are they doing etc.) and I know it’s not healthy but I can’t help it, just like you. I have tried to start catching myself mid thought - let the thought finish and then turn it back around onto me ‘but what am I doing’ ‘what do I like about myself’. It’s their fault and pattern within them, not us. You’ve done nothing wrong. He should have talked to you, treated you like an equal, supported you. I know it’s super hard specially when it feels like you’ve lost a piece of you.

I have found I put both Mr. M and Mr. S on a pedestal and looked at only the good. Not the bad. Try and think of some times where he shut you down, didn’t support you... some of the negatives to balance out thinking and trying to claw onto the good.

I don’t have any children so I feel that adds an added complexity to your situation. I can’t even being to understand how that feels. Mr. M had a son and I miss him terribly but have recently worked out that he didn’t have my back when it came to parenting.

I’m finding I hate that she won. I have these stubborn feelings that I’d try if he came back just because I’m too stubborn to let go. I know it wouldn’t work and I deserve someone better who will give me as much as I give them. Again I don’t think Mr. M will come back because he can’t admit he was wrong due to being extremely selfish (and he says he never goes back). How I wish I was the exception to that rule.

How are you going? How are your family and friends treating you?

One thing I’ve found that has helped me is reverting back to the music and familiar things I had all to myself when I was younger...

J x

[Ruby3]

Hi J,

glad to hear you’ve had a bit of a breakthrough in terms of getting your head around it. I think I kind of have too but I still find the nights very hard.

I know what you mean about feeling like ‘she’s won’ I feel that way too. But when I really sit and think about the level of betrayal he has inflicted on me and my young son I figure she’s won the same treatment too when he gets bored of her?

my family have been great although they live in the uk so it’s hard for them to help as much as they would like and unfortunately I have lost a couple of friends due to them feeling like I’m too ‘emotionally exhausting’ which is disappointing and hurtful.

I wish there was a support group for people going through this kind of pain. Specifically relationship breakdowns because although it amazing to be able to speak to people here it would be great to meet people who are experiencing the same pain?

nikki x

[There]

Hey Randomx,

thanks for finding my thread. Sorry it’s all happened to you too. It sucks big time. Can I ask was the break up due to the move? I hate missing the bubble, that’s a perfect way to put it.

How are you doing? That must be hard in the house and bills. I have the home Mr. H and I used to own and I find it such a strain even though I rent it out. Just sucks money!

I guess that’s all we can do, one foot after the other and get through the daily grind. I can’t help but just miss him.

Hope you’re doing ok.

J x

[There]

Hi Mary,

Thank you for sharing. That must be hard having to still see each other but I’m glad you can make your decision on how you interact with him.

It sounds like you have a lot of people around you to care about you. I really think that’s important specially if you have more down days than up at times. Wonderful you have so many family members and grandchildren! Sometimes they just are the best at lifting you up. I have nieces and they are just so innocent and wonderful!

Sorry to hear about your accident but glad you aren’t more injured. It would be easy to let that get you down. You sound like a very strong person Mary.

Thank you for sharing and your support.

J x

[There]

Hi Nikki,

Thats great you’ve had a bit of a break through too. So positive. Nights are hard for me too. Sometimes I just can’t switch off. I leave my laptop going all night with TV playing because if I lie in the quiet my head just gets so loud. He used to spoon me every night and whisper that he loved me and all sweet things. I really miss that.

Thats true, they have won the betrayal and being treated like we were. One thing I have to remind myself often is that he’s not changing for her. He’ll still be uncompromising and self centered, just like he was with me.

I’m so sorry to hear you’ve lost friends. Don’t think that’s your fault. They might not be able to cope and it’s their loss. Doesn’t hurt any less though.

I totally agree with you! I wish there were support groups for relationship break downs. It would be so helpful to meet and support people in the same situation. Or maybe more of an instant chat type situation.

How have you been today? I’ve been missing Mr. M terribly today.

J x

[Guest_1584]

Hi j.

Terrible today l hope your doing better and God how sad is this, we're here and not having valentines with our someone. How are you doin ?

Anyway yeah we sold ours and there wasn't much in it or it would normally be ok so starting over from scratch took 4yrs pretty well and still going, nother story l guess.

But anyway nah , ask away , it kinda helps ll think , do you think talking helps ?

Ours was so complicated . tbh , l'm still not sure, and just 2wks ago l did the dumbest thing just to ice the cake. l did a sketch portrait of her you see, well it was still here, l love the picture but l had to send it back to her in sanfrancisco now 2wks ago. Well it got there yesterday and l so heard from her today, valentines day, of all days. Sh@t !!!!. Great timing rx , just great.

But, she had a contract over there and was living there but she could fly for free and could come back here to see me. But with the divorce and now the house, l couldn't afford to go there and pay all my crap here as well, so that all caused all kinds of stuff for a start.and all that really hurt us badly along the way, and pit too much on her. l know it wasn't fair but my hands were just that damn tied. Eventually she was moving over was the plan. But l also had to cancel some of her trips which really caused some grief all round too.

So all that was huge and l'm not sure if it's what caused other things too or if she just had other serious personality issues coming out as well.But as beautiful as she normally was , she could also be a real bad tempered little shyt as well and would come out with all sorts of things. ln the end it got too much and so nearly 2yrs and we broke up. In her defense though , she'd had a very rough time too with her ex before and then my let downs with her visits and stuff, the agony of being so far apart and not being able to be together, l'll never really know now l'm afraid just what was really what as we just couldn't get enough real time together to know.

But sadly it all took it's toll in the end.

Hope your ok. x

Rx.