Dealing with a cheating ex

[There]

Hey everyone,

I’m completely new here and needing support. My ex broke up with me 6 weeks ago. I’m feeling completely lost and empty. He came into my life after my marriage broke down (another story) and helped me get back on my feet. We had so much contact, loved doing the same things and spent so much time together. We were long distance for 6 months before I moved for him and a great job opportunity. I’d been in Vic for 11 months when he decided to break it off. He’s a very supportive person who likes to help people. So I wasn’t worried when he was helping a couple of female friends. We began to have an issue when I asked for some reassurance (he had increased phone usage and turning phone on silent - my ex husband cheated on me also, so I realize that I could be hyper sensitive to that) about these ladies and I suggested that it could be in the form of meeting them or anything that was comfortable to him. He got defensive and 3 days later broke up with me saying that he wanted space, it was him and he needed to deal with his issues and fix himself. He led me on a little bit saying things like he wanted to check in, he wasn’t sure if we were over or not etc. fast forward 4 weeks later and he’s seeing one of the girls (the one he works with and not his typical type of woman he likes). I’m finding this so hard to deal with. I have no motivation, I feel empty and just so hurt. I actually don’t think he was that honest in our relationship (I’ve since found out some other lies he told me at the start of our relationship). My head knows that he is bad for me as I’ve also come to realize from self reflection that he actually isn’t that supportive and is very selfish, doesn’t truly communicate (only on his terms or when he wants/needs something). My heart just wants him to come back and work on things with me and I know that’s not going to happen. I’m so down he has just moved on and I feel like he didn’t value our relationship at all. I’m crying all the time and sometimes I don’t even know why. I feel like I have no friends here in Vic and everything I do or want to do reminds me of him because it’s the things we used to do. I’m terrified of running into them as I know he would still be doing the things we would do together (with or without her). Just feeling so lost.

Thanks x

[Ruby3]

Hi j

how are you feeling? Did Valentine’s Day make you sad like it did for me?

i got into a bit of an argument with ‘him’. Although he was hesitant to talk because I believe he was out with ‘her’

I’m seeing my psychologist today. Hopefully that will help me make more sense of everything.

Just can’t help feeling like I’m dying inside.

Do you have any contact with your ex at all? I wish I didn’t but have to for my son. But whenever we talk he makes me feel like I’m hasseling him and makes it clear he wants nothing to do with me. Which is so hurtful, in November we talked about another baby and now he detests me. I’m not sure I’ll ever understand this.

Hope you’re ok and am grateful to have you who seems to understand my feelings. Let me know if I can help you in any way.

Nikki.

[There]

Hey Rx,

Yep yesterday was hard. Knowing that he would be doing all the sweet things with her that he would’ve done with me was pretty draining. I still keep track of when he would have his son (if nothing has changed in those arrangements) and my therapist says that is a bad thing to do 😞 but he would’ve had him last night. So I sit there and think of what we would’ve done. It sucks. I just wish he was the person that he said he was. Hope yours wasn’t too bad. You couldn’t have known that it would arrive on Valentine’s Day. Be kind to yourself.

thank you for sharing your situation. Finances and distance always make relationships harder I think. Specially since you were both so so far away from each other. Really hard. I think your situation is hard too, because it’s the distance that has come between, it’s not either of you not wanting to be together if I’m reading that correctly? At least Mr. M cheated emotionally on me (not that he thinks he did) so it gives me a reason to feel anything other than love towards him. I feel shame and disappointment towards him. Would be so much harder if I didn’t feel that.

How are you coping? I find weekends hard, I have to plan those and make sure I’m always busy.

J x

[There]

Hi Nikki,

Yesterday was s**t. I went to a movie with my cousin and all I could do was try and look for him. As if he would’ve been there and if he was he would’ve been there with her. I just missed him terribly. I hope your day wasn’t too bad.

Im glad you’re seeing someone to help you. I do too, I actually see 2 different ones at the moment. I find they help a great deal. Do you find that? I found when my ex hubby left my psychologist was fantastic. He was uncomplex and she gave me answers that he couldn’t. However, Mr. M is a very complex human. One psychologist says he’s a narcissist and the other says he’s just very selfish. I really hope they can give you some answers.

I luckily don’t have any contact with my ex hubby or Mr. M. I can’t imagine how hard it would be and men are always so cold when they don’t want someone in their lives. I’m so sorry you have to have that added into your pain. I think people like us who can’t understand why someone would cheat don’t understand the type of person that does cheat. It’s not our values and our beliefs so it’s hard to comprehend.

I hope you told your psychologist that you feel like you’re dying inside. I was feeling like that and when I had my breakthrough I made the decision to focus on myself not him. It’s hard to redirect your thoughts but I’ve found it’s helping when I can and I can’t/don’t do it all the time but trying is the best thing.

I feel the same Nikki, it’s nice to have someone who understands my pain and the feelings that I have. You have been helping me just by chatting 🙂

I didn’t cry today (yet) will be the first day since the split. I often wonder when I won’t think about him constantly or when I drive past the hotel we stayed at everyday. It’s those reminders that really suck big time. I want to come home and find him waiting for me. Do you have these thoughts?

How have you been sleeping? How has your son adjusted to everything? (If you don’t mind me asking, completely fine if you don’t want to talk about him here). What plans do you have for the weekend? I find planning my days and making sure I’m busy helps.

J x

[Guest_1584]

Hi ya jx. And thanks for that and glad to see you up and about. You too nikki.

Sounds like a rough day for you yesterday but hey , you made it through right, annnnd he didn't pop up at the movies either , gotta be a bonus.

Mine was pretty damn crap too , really threw an axe into the emotional works with her popping up . We didn't talk , she just sent a symbol of ours so to speak, l spent the whole day staring at it. Not smart , oh well.

yEAH, being held back by only finances and distance were a special kinda torture all unto themselves believe me and it's even worse these days almost because you can be skyping literally in bed with each other as if right here yet across the world , it really just rubs salt into the wounds 2/3 the time tbh.

And although in my thread l don;t think many would've agreed with me but over time lately l'm realizing and almost sure it was all those , so hard , causing her to go a bit bananas . She did so much for us and she could hold up her end but l just couldn't manage it at mine, damn. Not a wonder she was going off , really.

l think it's that he doesn't care J , my ex w married hers and you don't reckon that's been a roller coaster because l still see her for my daughter.

But they go through all kinds of crap themselves and guilt and l dunno what else and l wouldn't be surprised if with him it's more defensiveness than a switching off from you.l'm sure they still think about us inside.

Anyway , day ata time eh .

rx

[There]

Hey Rx,

I can understand the staring at the symbol for the day. I do the same kinda thing. My fiends say I like to your tire myself but I guess it’s just that I don’t want to let go. Guess we have to at some point though, right?

I totally get that she might have gone bananas at the stress and people handle things in their own ways. I know circumstances make for quick decisions and things said that will want to be taken back but I dunno I think people should always be re-evaluating themselves and looking within to find what is truly going on. It’s also easy to not do that when you have rose colored glasses on and all you can think of is how wonderful the other person is.

I think it would be hard having a child with someone you aren’t with anymore. It adds an extra level of pain, specially at the start. How are you going with your ex w in that situation?

Thats a way to look at it ‘switching off’ my ex h did that. I’m sure that’s what Mr. M has done. I just want him to realize what an idiot he’s being, but he doesn’t think he’s an idiot. He thinks he’s made the best decision for himself. They’ve known each other for like 12 years and I always wonder if they will make it long term. Kills me deeply to think that.

J x

[Ruby3]

Hi j,

You’re right it definitely hard that we have a child together. I love my son to bits but if I didn’t have him I feel like I would have healed quicker as I wouldn’t have to still see my ex every two weeks and have to communicate for the sake of our child. Is that an awful thing to say?

ive has a rough week to be honest. I was trying so so hard to be civil to my ex for our child’s sake and he just continues to treat me with disgust which is just so frustrating. He had the affair. He’s the liar. He pushed me and yet I’m the one trying. Why am I doing that?? My psychologist recommended a child mediator, that way I don’t have to tell the ex what’s best for my son, they will. Maybe he’ll hear it from them.

I’ve noticed today (because I still check his mistresses instagram) that she has posted a semi loved up pic of her and her fiancé and kids so maybe my ex and her are not together? Does that make it better though or worse that even though he can’t have her he still doesn’t want me?

im in a weird place this week that’s for sure.

Hope you’re ok j. You seem a little better.

Nikki x

[There]

Hi Nikki,

It’s not a horrible thing to say at all. You would’ve healed quicker and no one is doubting at all that you don’t love your son to bits. It’s all on your ex and the contact you have to have. It’s easy when you don’t have to contact them (I’m sure I’d be in such a worse place if I had to contact/see my ex if we had a child).

That is such a fantastic suggestion from your pyscholoist to get a child mediator. That would take the pressure off you. I guess you can just see if it works and if it doesn’t I’m sure there’s another solution.

I would recommend that you block her on Facebook and insta. I spent so much time stalking my ex husbands gf and it did nothing for me but cause me pain and make me cry. This time round I blocked Mr. Ms new flame straight away before anything went up. I won’t lie... I’ve wanted to unblock her and stalk her but what does that do for me? Nothing. What does it do for you? What do you get out of looking at her insta page?

I don’t know if it’s worse him not wanting to be with you or him not being able to be with her... that’s a tough one to ponder and it would kill me because I’d probably obsess over it.

I hope the weird place you’re in is you moving through to a place where you get a bit of relief. I see you’re taking all the right steps which is such a good thing.

I’ve been better but I feel so lost today (and I feel like that still quite often). I just miss him so much. I look back at photos (not good I know) and think about all the good and wonder why the bloody hell hes done this. I find it so hard being runner up or not even on his radar. Does he miss me? Miss us? No - he’s thinking of her. I still can’t believe it. My mind never switches off. Sucks.

Im so glad we can chat on here, you have been such a help to me Nikki. I hope I can continue to be help to you. I really appreciate that we know what the other is going through.

Did you chat to your psychologist about feeling like you’re dying inside? Do you still feel like that? How are you sleeping?

J x

[There]

I just don’t want this to be my reality. For all his faults (and mine) we hardly fought, enjoyed the same interests, sex was not an issue at all ever, were always laughing and that’s just the tip of the good times. I just don’t understand what she has that I don’t... it just kills me to the point I can’t cope. You put on a happy face, try not to think about it and try to move on but every second of every day I just wish he didn’t do this.

[Ruby3]

Hi J

i know, I feel the same. It’s ok I promise, you’re going through the questioning stage and that’s good because it means you’re one step closer to the acceptance phase.

Allow yourself to think about it for a certain amount of time each day or week etc and then force yourself to stop.

The reason we can’t understand is because we would never ever do this to someone. It’s not who we are to inflict pain on someone like this. And what you have to remember is is if he will do it WITH her he will do it TO her.

I wish I could help you more but all I can tell you is that what you are feeling is exactly the same as me, so I understand where you’re coming from. The thought of my ex with his new mistress makes me physically sick but deep down I know that if he begged me tomorrow to take him back would I? And after all he’s done no I wouldn’t.

We deserve more than this. And we will get it. We do not settle for someone who does not make us their everything.

Everything happens for a reason J, now that we are free of these selfish men we are available for a better love from someone who would never do this to us.

Nikki x

[Ruby3]

Ps. I was just thinking, maybe we should start thinking of what the purpose of these men were? Why they were brought into our life? Rather than what we have lost if that makes sense?

for example was meeting your ex fates way of bringing you to victoria for a reason that you are yet to discover?

Maybe my ex’s purpose to my life was to give me my son? And because we moved to Australia together maybe that was what he was meant to bring to my life for a reason I’m yet to discover?

sorry I’m rambling, it makes sense in my head! 🙂

nikki x