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Alone..Depressed..Sad..
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Dear Grandy (with waves to ER, DP, Paws and Fiatlux)~
It can be very hard to close a chapter in your life. The volunteering certainly helped - for quite a while, however your body is telling you that it is plain physically too hard for you.
At the same time the amount of grief you suffer at the treatment by toxic people is far to much to keep on living with, you don't need it.
I know your friend does not wish to return without you, however that are an adult and really do have to chart their own course in life. You have always been a very giving person and try to see to everyone's needs, however that has to be balanced by your needs, physical and mental.
I realy liked ER's post and think it is spot on. Can I suggest you do nothing for a while then see if there is anything lacking in your life and then think about that to do about it. You may be surprised at your conclusions.
Sadly grandchildren do not remain the same and have more and more other interests. That does not mean they are not pleased to see you, won't enjoy going to the movies with you, or some other activities, however the habit/lure/way of life of technology is very great. They are in no way less loving, just have more in their lives.
As some of those pains recede you might tell yourself you are on the right track
(Sorry about you car)
Croix
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Dear Fiatlux~
I'm very sorry your son treats you the way he does, he certainly does not get those toxic traits from you. Unfortunately there is no real way to deal with it, if you retreat he follows, if you say anything you are abused or accused of it being your fault. As you rightly feel, he enjoys the power and cruelty.
Avoidance is really the only answer "Avoid loud and aggressive persons; they are vexatious to the spirit" as set out in the Desiderata is only sensible.
When writing out your story do you know why? True you cannot sit everyone down and talk, it does not work. If they were empathetic and understanding it would. So are you writing it to inform them when it is likely some will dismiss or twist it, or for yourself -probably a much better reason.
It is sad.
Croix
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Dear Fiatlux,
I just thought I’d add to Croix’s kind response and say it feels like what you are needing right now is a compassionate witness. What I have learned in my own life is that family are not always the people who are able to provide this. Yet it is through such witnessing that we begin to heal. There is a beautiful quote from Peter Levine:
Trauma is not so much what happens to us but what happens inside of us in the absence of an empathetic witness.
While you were able to be a witness for your mother and her experiences, it may be that you have to look outside family to find that support you are looking for. I have found working with a good psychologist has really helped. It was very uncomfortable for me to be seen and witnessed at first which is a symptom of my own complex trauma. But slowly as I have allowed that in therapy I have begun to break open in a good way, to be held in a space with another human that in turn has allowed me to learn to hold space and presence with myself. We are often clinging on for dear life for such a long time, and then there is this surrender when we are finally seen that enables us to feel our grief and pain and then it begins to organically heal.
So just wanting to give you some gentle encouragement in the direction of finding the right support, even if you have to quest a bit to find it. It feels much too fraught in the context of your family from what you have described, so just wondering if you can find a way to reach out beyond that context to find some compassionate guidance and presence with someone who is the right fit for you.
Take care,
ER
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I find 2 of my adult children don’t really want to know about my health or my relationship. They don’t want to read anything I write and have made a joke about a regular blog I write. They are kind children and loving hands on parents. I feel they see me as their mum and not a friend.
Grandy at the op shop where you volunteer many people leave because of pain.
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Hello everyone…..🤗..
Thank you all for your wise words…I have been battling so hard to not go back…saying no to my friend and even the area manager for the past 2 weeks…I was determined to do what I really so much want to do….stay away from the shop…forever..
Right now, I’m not happy with myself, bordering on hating myself, I am weak when the decision I made effected a lot of people, the shop has been closed on the days I used to work…the girls who worked outback are not needed now because the shops closed….I didn’t know that, until I ran into one of those workers earlier this week, while I was doing my grocery shopping….feeling sad the shops closed for the community on those days plus the ladies were let go as well….Betty wanting to go back, and the area manager asking me to come back a couple of days prior….before I even knew I said it…words came without any thoughts even reaching my brain….I will start work again…which I did today..and all day today I was cursing myself for it… I don’t want to be there anymore, it’s hard to interact with people…I hated everything about today and I hate myself also for not ever being able to live my life without surrendering myself to other peoples needs….I’m so over me right now…I’m physically sore and mentally drained….only got myself to blame though…I let me down and worse still, I let you all down…sorry..
👩❤️💋👩Grandy…
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Dear Grandy,
You absolutely did not let us down, or anyone else, or even yourself. I understand why you went back, because countless times I have gone back into situations that weren’t good for me because I felt I had to meet someone else’s needs. And that behaviour for me comes from an adaptive strategy I learned in childhood that the safest thing was to meet other people’s needs and expectations while ignoring myself. And it was the safest thing back then.
I think if you can understand that the part of you that is trying to please others is a natural survival response then you can see how that part of you is trying to protect you. It’s just that the adaptive strategy isn’t actually necessary now, but it can still feel that way.
It is a very hard pattern to let go of. My psychologist is trying to get me to do it at the moment. The other day she was encouraging me to sit with my vulnerable self and feel kindness to myself in relation to a loss. I felt a strong resistance. She got me to feel into that and let unfold whatever emerged. Next thing I knew I had a visualisation of the part of myself trying to care for myself in a fist fight with the part that sabotages the self-caring part. It actually made me laugh out loud because it was kind of comical seeing these two parts of myself in fisticuffs. But underlying it was a powerful belief in me that I don’t deserve care that became very obvious.
The challenge is beginning to allow the part of yourself that wants to meet your own needs to rise above any other pressures and expectations you may be feeling as well as any beliefs of feeling unworthy of your own care. You still have the option of deciding not to keep going at the shop but it’s ok that you felt compelled to return. Just be gentle with yourself and maybe even visualise letting it all go and the relief you will feel in your body when you feel free of it. At the end of the day it’s the shop’s responsibility to find staff. If you want to give them a solid reason, you can say it has been hard on you physically and mentally as you’ve described and you need to not be doing it.
Recently I had to cut off a relationship with a long term friend. It had been a very unequal friendship for years where she used me to get her needs met. It got to a point I was far too exhausted to deal with her anymore and attempts to make the friendship more balanced hadn’t worked. It took me a couple of years really to separate from the friendship because like you I found it so hard to say no. But now I have done it, it’s truly a relief. Because she goes into a vulnerable child-like state it felt like killing Bambi at one level. But I could see neither myself nor her were going to grow the way things were. She now might turn and look into herself more to take more responsibility for her own life, just as the shop in your case has to take responsibility for their needs with staff.
I know it’s not easy, but please don’t hate yourself Grandy. You are a beautiful soul, deserving of love and kindness and the choices you want for your life. Maybe imagine giving yourself a big, warm hug 🤗 Know that you are doing your best and try not to judge yourself. Maybe just see if you can feel gentle encouragement from within and give yourself that nurturance that you so readily give to others.
Much love and support to you Grandy 💕
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Hello Dear Grandy,
I wish I could come over with a cuppa & just be there with you lass.
Our lovely Eagle Ray has said everything so much better than I could. Please be gentle with yourself & remember just because you have gone back doesn't mean you have to stay. It's ok to tell them you tried, but it isn't working & you won't be back.
Always here for you lass
gentle 🐻 hugs
Paws
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Hi everyone and a happy Sunday to you all,
Just dropped by to catch up on some reading here.
Is anyone else feeling tired this time of year?
We had daylight savings start and I put my tiredness down to not sleeping well. But yesterday, I fell asleep in the afternoon and today I can barely keep my eyes open.
My highlight for the week were the trick or treaters coming to the door all dressed up for Halloween. I prepared for it this year and bought a pack of kinder chocolate for the kids. It was actually nice to see them all as they ran up to the front door. I haven’t interacted with kids in ages and I miss it.
My son is in the USA with my daughter and they’ve sent me some lovely pictures together. I so wish I could be with them.
Today I actually headed out to Bunnings for a look around and after 30 minutes I was exhausted and thirsty and headed back home.
I did a good deed for myself today and have decided to start clearing out my wardrobe. I have decided to do a bag of clothes a week. This way I don’t feel overwhelmed by the task. I threw out some old clothes that nobody else could wear and took a bag of really good clothes to the donation bin. So right now I’m exhausted.
Take care everyone and have a lovely week. Tiredly yours. Fiatlux 🙏🏼
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Hey Grandy 👩❤️💋👩 and everyone 😊
Darlin sweet friend. First thing to say is honestly you haven't let anybody down, I doubt very much if any dear soul here feels that way either 🤗
It's a real shame too that you feel you've let yourself down although I do get where you're coming from. One way of looking at it is you're slowly and that's fine, learning to stand up for yourself. You left is one thing and the other is you didn't return straight away and they came to you not the other way around which wouldn't have been bad either of course. So bit by bit you are hun learning to look after our precious soul 💫
You're such a good hearted kind lady Grandy. Against every fibre in your being you still went back to work which is helping many people even though it's hurting your body and mind which is far from ideal.
Eagle's right you certainly don't have to stay there.
At some point weren't they training someone for out the front? I'm guessing that hasn't worked out for whatever reason but that would give you an out when someone else can do the front.
Another option which I know wouldn't be easy for you huns is I suggest to put in writing why you've left and saying about how it affects your physical health as well.
If you're thinking this could help whether you'd want to mention the no support factor too but that might get under their skin but then it should because it's them that haven't bothered backing up their staff. Anyway even if that was omitted potentially they might become aware of just how much this works affecting people in many ways and act on it.
Like for a start making it easier on your bodies to pick up and move heavy items.
You could throw some suggestions in that would make it easier on everyone.
You're Gold there I've said and meant this. You're also a pillar in that society. Good on you and for your kindness to be helping so many people. Just don't want you feeling worse for it dear Grandy love 💜
I've been wondering how you've been going in the break you had mentally and physically? I very much hope life was a little easier at least with the poor shoulders and body. When pain eases doesn't our lives become easier. Often wonder how you're going huns 🗯
One day I hope you'll see what a beautiful soul you are. We do and I'd have no doubt people that are lucky enough to know you would too.
Try and be gently with yourself sweetyheart you really are a dear kind good person.
Deep care and love Grandy hun always 🤗💞
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Hello Dear Eagle Ray, Paws, Deebi👩❤️💋👩, Croix, Fiatlux and everyone….🤗..
Thank you so much ER, Paws and Deebi for your caring posts….I really do appreciate it…
On Monday one of the sorting girls that disrespected me by not listening to me and totally went against my request did apologise to me…and that a lot to me…The other girl didn’t and worked as if nothing happened..I accepted that as well and whe I wasn’t busy ou front went out to help them with the overwhelming amount of donations…..we continued working as if nothing ever went on…..
It only took a day back at work for my groin and leg to start aching and hurting again..but no sciatic pain at night…so I’m being careful…I told my area manager that I’ll rethink my decision during the Christmas break….You’re right Deebi, I was training one of the girls outback to take my place, but she absolutely refuses to work out in the shop…When I went to get my mammogram which was a Tuesday, I drove passed the shop and it was closed with an unbelievable amount of donation left at the door and down the ramp…it upset me to see the shop closed, anyway I have the key to the shop so I took them all into the shop, otherwise people would go through them and scatter them all over the street and laneway…Seeing the shop closed was I suppose another reason I returned….
Eagle Ray, I thought about what you wrote and I think that you’re right about trying to please everyone is a survival response…Its all I’ve ever known…I learned earlier in life that to not please people meant abusive punishment would always follow….because I was always told I was greedy to put my needs first….at my age I don’t think I will be able to change that…it’s embedded too deeply into my brain…Eagle Ray, it’s hard to like oneself when doing/saying what we know is right for us, is always stopped by my mind making me feel selfish and guilty so I do whatever I can to keep some type of peace around me…It’s never ending, a constant with what ever I do or say when I interact with people…
Fiatlux, I am pleased you had a nice Halloween and you’re doing good deeds for yourself and your son arrived safely…I dislike daylight savings…
Deebi👩❤️💋👩, I feel like our management don’t care about their workers or their customers..even though we are a charity based shop…it’s all about money to them…geez the prices management put on second hand clothes is sometimes higher then brand new clothes…it’s wrong and I know it’s wrong so I try to whelp hen I am able to….I found out from regular customers of mine that they rang up management to find out what happened to me….thinking I was put off…..How nice was that?
I hope everyone has a good day today…its hot here today…so I’m recovering from yesterday and just resting my leg…
Love to you all with hugs..🩷🤗🦄.
👩❤️💋👩Grandy..
