Alone..Depressed..Sad..

[Ggrand]

Hi..I'm new here..just need to put my feeling down..no one to talk to makes depression and anxiety so hard...the last 4 days I have either been in bed crying or on the lounge crying..I can't seem to get out of this...I am becoming a prisioner in my own home as its getting progressively difficult to go out.. I have to go out Tuesdays so I do everthing on that day but it's like I'm holding my breathe all day until I get back to the safety of my home then I can let go and that starts the cycle again of spending the next 6 days at home either in bed or on the lounge sad and depressed...I really feel like just giving up.. My husband passed away 4 years on This coming Thursday. My children live 6 hours drive away and have small children so I don't see them that much.Bad mum and grandmum I am on there last visit i was pleased to see them but I just wanted them to go home. I feel so aweful and numb atm..

[Ggrand]

Hello Deebi👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩, Hanna and everyone...🤗.

Same Hanna..at home, my marriage if I stood up or even disagreed I would get into trouble...It’s not fair that this has continued all these years..and because of this I’m being used at work..and I’m not sure but I think my supporter is using me as well...

My supporter is supposed to take me weekly for a walk..but all she wants to do is go places to eat..She wants to take me tomorrow to the club for lunch...I don’t want to go their.it’s to busy and the smell of beer is going to trigger me... I can’t tell her because I will feel guilty for upsetting her plans...

She works and gets paid..I get the dsp..All these lunches after specialists, tests ect..is costing me money that I don’t have..I mean the cost of 1 meal eating out..is maybe equivalent to a few meals at home..and now again tomorrow..when she is supposed to be taking me out in the park for a walk....

Awe..I love pictures of Unicorns 🦄, dragons 🐉..any mythical creature..I wish I could see the beautiful picture that Mr Deebi bought you...Thats so comforting and sweet that you thought about me..with the unicorn 🦄 and butterflies...thank you so much bbff...Love you deeply sss precious friend..💚🦋🌹🕊🌱..🌜🐻🤗🌛.

I’m okay...🤜👿🤛..I don’t understand why I get so confused and start feeling overwhelmed when I have to do something I don’t want to...Before with my parentsand hubby..it didn’t bother me I just done it..I could block out my emotions and thoughts..I don’t seem to be able to do that now...I so much wish I could..

I gave my fur babies a trim and a bubble bath this afternoon..they look so cute, and their fur is soft and shiny..they both have long fur..

Sending my love, care and love to everyone..🦋💜🤗..

[demonblaster]

Hello my bbff 👩‍❤️‍👩 and all ☺

Beautiful I'm sorry I said I'd bbt at mine and haven't yet.

Want to reply to you here but think best if I wait a bit.

Just spent substantial time and still haven't finished on another thread. Taking an age last few days.

Darlin I don't like that and she's let you down before with walking .I know she's good in many ways but as you say she's paid for this and it's the walk you need more than eating out and yes costing $ you can't afford.

I know you don't like confrontation. I think you'd be able to say nicely without russling any feathers. You could also say about your heart health you need it and I suggest tell her how you feel about clubs and the beer. These things she needs to know. Also that you won't take rot!

I know it's hard for you lovey. I also know and get you wanting to stand up for yourself.

You need whats been promised sweetylove.

Overall she sounds lovely. Keep in mind she's doing the wrong thing by the sounds so hoping their wouldn't be too much if any flak.

Really love you beautiful.

Bbl 👩‍❤️‍👩💜😚🌈🗯⚘

[Hanna3]

Hi Grandy (waves to Deebi, Paws, everyone)

Grandy I popped on BB for a moment and saw your post. With your supporter, she is being very thoughtless excuse me for saying... she should be taking you for your walk, on a dsp we can't afford lunches out, I understand completely - I've had problems so often with people inviting me out to things i can't afford! People don't understand how little money you get on a pension... and then I've had to go through the embarrassment of telling them I can't afford it - and then the humiliation of being so poor - and it's awful I know..

Dear lady, just do explain to her in whatever way is easier for you - I know this is hard - can you say you just want a cup of tea or coffee and not eat? So you could sit and keep her company but not pay for a meal? It would be best to explain to her you can't afford a lunch out on the dsp, but if you can't manage that (I understand if you can't, it's embarrassing and difficult to stand up to someone who is better off than you) then suggest a coffee only... I've done this before. But she does need to understand you can't manage to keep going out for lunch... could you say you'd rather walk?

I know this is hard, but just do say something... she is at fault for expecting you to pay...it's disappointing she is doing this to you... and putting you in this position...

Soft hearted kind people do get pushed around Grandy dear... at your work too... do try with the supporter... I am backing you here... I absolutely understand - I've had to tell people I can't afford to go out with them so often.. I've told little Sam about your problem and he is sitting beside me telling me you are a good kind person and he's sorry people don't understand how we people (and furs!) living on the dsp can't do these things...our furs have to be fed, little Sam just pointed out to me! He's got his head on my knee watching me type this - he'd curl up on your lap and give you a doggie kiss if he could...to give you the strength to tell this woman you would love to have lunch but unfortunately you can't afford it because you have to pay for your furs' food and vet bills...

I am sorry you have to worry about things like this - be strong, little Sam and I are cheering you on from the town starting with B... we're out on the porch cheering (well Sam is woofing) - hope you can hear us... our porch faces your direction... me and a little dog cheering you on! Let us know how you go ... hugs, fluffy ones!!! be strong!

[demonblaster]

Hey beautiful Grandy 👩‍❤️‍👩 Hannah and all 👋

Grandy love I was hoping to talk with you here today but still taking lonng time posting and its late now so tomoz gorgeous.

I really hope today was ok for you beautiful friend.

Love you heaps dear Grandy besty. PubAok yAdimh with 💜 & 🗯

Thanks so much for your really good positives at mine was lovely reading. More to reply there.

Love our fabulous friendship. You're so precious dear friend 🤗👩‍❤️‍👩⚘😚🗯🌈

Hannah thanks hun ☺ Good of you saying I'm a good friend to this beautiful lady. She too is a great friend to me. We're so lucky to have met here.

Cool loven the cutey fur cuddles. Sams a sweety.

Have a good sleep everyone 😴

[Hanna3]

Hi Deebie,

Yes there's wonderful supportive people on this thread it's so nice to see...

Grandy I hope everything went OK yesterday...

Fluffy warm puppy hugs from little Sam to everyone hug hug

[demonblaster]

Hi beautiful bbff 👩‍❤️‍👩 Hannah and everyone ☺

Dear Grandy I hope you're doing ok beautiful really do but I suspect you're not travelling so well. For that I truly am sorry darlin 🤗 Always close by lovely. Hope I'm wrong.

Such a long hard journey isn't it.
We must believe we'll get through and so much progress has been made so we know we can do it 🤝🏋️‍♀️

It's absolutely not fair to carry on hurting for so long or at all for that matter geez it's so wrong! I believe we'll come to the day honey it'll only be thoughts and memories without feeling. We're capable of so much and learning how to.

Grandy you're a good character reader so I sadly am guessing you're right about your supporter.
It's a hard situation sweety that I hope you find in your own time you can approach and do what you need that's best for you.

She's been told I assume to take you for walks so she wouldn't have much ground to stand on but I don't think it'd come to friction. I hear how beautifully you talk to people. Dear Grandy you're such a treasure and so kind but sweetyheart it's ok to say what you need and can't do. Poor love so hard isn't it. I know this works you up. Breathe beautiful. You got this!

Oh Grandy we were in a toy shop so it must've been on a toy. The piccy of 2 unicorns. Wow if I see them again I'll avatar them for you to see for a bit and you could copy the pic to your pc if you like.

You know your feelings erupting doing something you don't want to is I think normal lovey. It's taking you out of your comfort but it's not a comfy zone though.
Could be you're doing opposite to what beasty wants and [IT]'s jacking up.
I think later when the dust settles you'd feel liberated gorgeous friend.

Ahh the dear little furs they look so cute all clean and sparkly. It'd be so good if swod honey and I could see the beautifuls for real.

Darlin you moved me at mine. Thank you so much for what you said. I'm SO incredibly grateful to have such a beautiful besty in my life. Love you very much Grandy always honeyheart.
Please look after yourself 💜👩‍❤️‍👩🌈🗯🏋️‍♀️🤝😚💗

Grandy attracts beautiful people Hannah hi hun. She's such a precious soul.

Hope you're managing too darl ☺

⚘

[Ggrand]

Hello Deebi👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩, Hanna and everyone...🤗..

Thank you for your beautiful and caring posts..

Sorry I haven’t replied earlier...

I’m okay..wishing that I could say no..or speak up when I need to... I know she has a food card for if she takes us out..the other inmate never paid for anything yet I do...I see her use the food card for herself and inmate every time she takes us out together but not for me...that is so unfair...Had lunch on Friday at the club...

Supporter knows my goal is to feel safe enough for me to walk anywhere I want to and feel safe enough to do that..We both made that my goal well over 12 months ago..and maybe she’s taken me about 3 or 4 times for a small walk...

VS therapist said I have to learn to care for me..and saying no is one way to do so, without feeling guilty I’ve let the other person down... she doesn’t know how hard that is..

Yesterday, my neighbour Mrs NSC..rang me at 9am and asked me if I could go to the local hardware shop (32klms) and get her 2 bags of sand cement, she is tiling her sunroom and didn’t want to shower and put clean clothes on...of course I said yes. because how could I say no when she helped me last Saturday?..

Its feeling like I owe supporter because she is helping me..and Mrs. NSC because she helped me...Am I thinking wrong?...No..because I owe them returned help...

I am okay..don’t get me wrong..because I like helping people, but right now feel like I’m being used...ha My life story....

Supporter has booked me in for every Friday from 1pm...something that she should have done when she first was assigned to help me....I wonder if she will follow through..I think it’s going to be more of visits to me instead of walks....I suppose I’ll find out soon enough...

I feel ungrateful writing this out but I needed to, because my thoughts are going round and round in circles...Hopefully putting it here will get it out of my head..

I am going to sit outside today after I try to put weed control onto those annoying weeds...

Sorry for the vent...

Love you dearest bbff....with 🐻 🤗..swsd...🙏..

My care, love and hugs to everyone..💜🦋🤗..

👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩Grandy..🌜🕊🌱🌛..

[Hanna3]

Hi Grandy (waves to Deebie and everyone)

I do know learning to speak up for yourself is hard believe me - it took me a long, long time to learn to do that and sometimes I still don't manage. It's OK you didn't manage to say something to your supporter this time, we'll have to get you feeling stronger for next time dear lady! I am sorry she is putting you in this position... you sound so kind and kind people so often find it hard to stand up for themselves - and from what little I know about you it sounds as if your husband didn't help you to feel better about yourself (apologies if I am wrong just from the little bits I've read..)

Your neighbour asked a very big favour of you to drive so far to get the sand... I understand it was difficult after she helped you... so you have returned the help... now don't feel obliged to do something that big again in a hurry!!

I know it's very hard to learn to do these things without feeling bad/guilty about standing up for yourself, you feel you are letting the other person down - but you aren't, you are setting healthy boundaries for yourself, but people in your life have taught you to feel guilty about saying no to things they ask..

Don't be hard on yourself Grandy, it's hard to learn to do things you have had it hammered in to you by others that you should feel guilty about - they've taught you the wrong lesson, you do need to be able to stand up for yourself and feel OK about it, or people will just take advantage of you..easy for me to say, I know i can still feel guilty sometimes if I stand up for myself..

I have always let friends tell me their problems and then they never listened to when I had a problem - I have learnt to let them talk for a while, and then I deliberately change the topic to something about me, to get them to realize that in turn for me listening to their problems, they have to listen to mine sometimes... it's taken a long time to learn to do this! (and I learnt it from the internet by Googling the problem!)

You will get there Grandy, and remember you are a kind, gentle, caring, lovely person and you have friends here.. little Sam sends doggy kisses and soft fluffy gentle hugs..remember you're a wonderful person! oxoxoxoxoxo hug hugs

[Ggrand]

Hello Hanna..Deebi👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩..and everyone...🤗..

Thank you for your care..

I don’t mind doing things for people..I enjoy it in a way..and it never really bothered me until recently....Saturday her phone call woke me...so I was rushing around to get dressed have my cuppa etc to go to town...I expect I was a little annoyed she woke me..plus as you probably know...shops in that town close at 12..and shut on Sunday. I had to hurry up and wake up...I am not a morning person...

My supporter....I know she is very kind to me and shows a lot of care..but wants to do what she wants to do in the allocated time with me...The weekly Friday visits she has scheduled for me are for 1pm...after her lunch break..I don’t like eating out for many reasons..the crowd and chattering noise is one..people watching each other, another is I don’t trust the cleanness of the food..I mean how many hands have touched it and did they wash their hands first..I’ve always felt this way eating out or at fast food places..

Today I smashed my bedhead..(on purpose)..it’s an old bedroom suite I have and the bedhead had those big wings on it..which stuck out a foot each end...I took they smashed wood of..then put a thick wire mesh across it, some padding and material..I want to cover the material with some venal, when I can find some...I am happy with my bedhead I made today...as soon as I can afford some paint, I’m going to paint the two wardrobes and dressing table a nice fresh cream colour..I can’t budge them they are made from wood and the varnish is just about gone...will have to paint them in my bedroom..which has carpet...Now that’s going to be fun,,

Feeling much better then this morning..took it all out on my bedhead...I hope it doesn’t fall down on me tonight 😂..

Thats another weekend over..I hope you all enjoyed yours..

Love to you Aunty Deebi..24/7 = 💭🐻🤗💜.pubaok..

My love, hugs and care to everyone...💜🦋🤗..

👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩Grandy..

[demonblaster]

Beautiful Grandy 👩‍❤️‍👩 hi Hannah and all 👋

Dear lady 🤗 this makes me so 😤&😔
The other day Mrs NSC hymm we might need to adjust that name, asked you to help her with furniture I thought uh oh. Was your bod ok after?

What a shame lovey it coming to this. You've made such amazing progress with her. It certainly looks like she's using you poor love.

And the bloody supporter too geesh!
Using the card for inmate and not you what the! She'd be in big trouble at work if they knew about this and the walking.

Hannah wrote a very supportive caring post 💗
I too feel it's ok for now that you couldn't bring yourself to sorting it but for your self esteem and sake as you're aware it's time for you to look after yourself as VS also is saying. I do get it being hard honey.

Because of the beautiful gentle lady you are & how you've been treated from childhood through to adult it's no wonder you're hesitant to retalliate.
My suggest is with them both take your time to think through the best way to approach this.
Bottom line is both are doing the wrong thing by you. You don't deserve this crap.

I think if you approach one thing at a time could be easier darl.
If you said you'd like to do the walk then she can't muck with the meal allowance and you wouldn't be in that difficult position.

You're so good hearted and considerate not wanting to upset her dear Grandy. Keep remind ing yourself she's doing wrong by you.
No matter how nice she is this is a tainted side of her that's affecting you unfairly putting it mildly.

Standing your ground honey would be rising above your appalling treatment.
l'm so sorry you're in this situation.
Maybe these things are happening to help with healing from the universe Grandz. Hard though.

How rank NSC. Grandy please just say sorry I'd like to help but can't. She doesn't need any explanation. If she has a problem with that's her problem and her loss of probably the best ever friend in her life.

You're not at all ungrateful they're doing wrong by you!
Not at all a problem at all sweety you saying how it is and how you're feeling.

Hannah I'm sorry you've gone through similar too. So so wrong.

Love you heaps gorgeous Grandy 🤗
PubAok lysvm awyis yadimh sss bbff gg swod I pray.
👩‍❤️‍👩💜🤝💗🗯🏋️‍♀️