alone and hated

[christacat]

I am 35 and possibly suffer undiagnosed depression and anxiety, possibly also autisim or asbergers (dont trust doctors or GPS so can't get an official diagnose). Have been told I need meds (too scared to take them), have anger issues, no social skills, am dumb and stupid, hard on myself,  obsessive as well. Have had conselling on and off, haven;t seen one since 2009 after I had a panic attack/meltdown.(she didn't help at all,just smirked at me)

I don't fit in or belong anywhere. All through out primary school and high school, I was bullied alot and got into trouble alot too. I had the odd friend here and there, but no one I could connect to. Would try different hobbies-as i got told by consellors I had back then- but got teased for them and never found anyone on the same wavelength....it is the same today. No matter which site I go to for people who share my interests, or a group in 'real life' I never fit in, am the butt of everyone's jokes, anyone I reach out to just rejects and uses me. Then comes the 'teasing' over my hobbies and interests, that I am obsessive, that my hobbies suck. I had to leave a web site I was at for nearly four years-was just sick of the constant rejection from others and never felt like I fitted in and used by everyone who i thought liked me.. Now yet again I have nowhere else to go and feel lost, losing interest in things, because what's the point? I had no one to share them with. I got slagged off for them all the time, I tried to take pride in them and liked myself, not caring what others think but I still don't have anyone to connect to,  I don't get along with my own age group either, especially with people I work with, they just go on about parties and drinking and barely notice I am around.

I am at a lost at what to do anymore. I worry so much over this, I barely leave the house sometimes (I dont see the point, i have no one to hang out with and i just get teased for being wierd) and feel suicidal on and off. , please don't suggest conselling or meetups.com (had a panic attack two years ago before I was meant to go to a meetup, now the group wants nothing to do with me) or meds.

[S_A_D_]

One thing at a time Christacat,

First, are you willing to admit that we share at least 2 things in common: We both like the cinema, and we both dislike bars and pubs, true, yes?

Second, do you agree there is a big difference between not liking something and hating it? I don't like the pub, but during the day I sometimes go into a pub to have some of their wonderful food, or play a game of pool. I do not hate the pub, but I don't like it either. Especially at night.

Do you think that the reason you have come to believe that nobody likes you is because everyone hates you? Do you think everyone hates you? Even me?

Trust me, I don't hate you. I just don't know you. Would you like it if we were friends on here?

Will you be my friend?

[luke_c]

Well that makes at least two people that want to know Christacat, and that's on one depression forum and one thread!

Luke

[luke_c]

Hi Belle,

High school was a struggle for me as well. I just got bullied and racially abused. And I was pretty out there and extroverted kind of person as well. For instance, I would bring my tape player and sing songs in front of the whole school (I was a failing singer by the way, I did it to for entertainment more than anything), I'd bust out songs such as "Hello Madduh, Hello Fadduh, here I am at Camp Granada", chances are you've heard it, it's from 1963. The sad part was that I thrown bits of fruit at me and people calling me who knows what. People used to call me "Curry" in a derogatory and racist way (my mum's Thai and dad's a Kiwi, but I look like someone closer to Pakistan or Indian, even though I have no ancestors from there) and make of fun of me with a mock Indian accent. Others would say I'm weird, screwed in the head, gay, defenseless piece of shit and so forth. On top of this was physical abuse, getting kneed in the leg, punched and people would pick fights with me. Almost everyday this would happen to me. Like you Belle, while I had some friends, I didn't hang out with the "cool kids" and listen to pop music (couldn't see what so great or inspiring about it to be honest), or a cocky rugby league players who thought they could beat everyone up and sexually abuse people (serious, that's what they did!), etc. or drive a Commodore with my P plates on and sticking my arm out the window and thinking I'm king shit.

But you know what, when I look now, I'm glad I was "different" to everyone else, and feel like it's not a real struggle to be myself these days (even though I do struggle with depression a bit). Even though I haven't personally encountered bullying and racism for quite a while, I find it is much easier for me now to stick to my guns and stand up for myself. The only real regret I had was why I used to beat myself up a lot back then.

Luke

[luke_c]

I agree with you, pubs can be a crap place, especially when they get busier. People get trashed and some go looking for fights. As someone told me, all some of them do by 10:00 at night is talk crap. And I totally dislike using the restrooms there as well.

Cinemas have a more positive environment, people are there to watch a movie, not get off their face.

[christacat]

yes I would like to be your friend

[luke_c]

I would (like to be your friend) too Christacat.

Speaking of cinemas, I went lastnight and saw The Lone Ranger. Good film, recommend it. I then found out later The Lone Ranger was a fictitious character that first appeared on a radio show in 1933 and since then has been a part of radio shows, TV series, films (in the 1960s) and comic strips.

[S_A_D_]

Thank You Christacat for accepting my request to be your friend. I am your friend. 

I want you to know there are people everywhere that are not friendly towards me, and some who are nasty. When people are nasty toward me, I get defensive and argumentative, and this has just happened to me, so I'm not feeling very friendly right now. I don't like to take out my anger on my friends, but I do. This is not fair on them, but being fair doesn't get considered when I'm in a heightened emotional state.

I'm sorry if my anger at them makes you feel like I'm angry at you. I'm not angry with you. It hurts so much when people are nasty, especially when if feel they try to make their attitude my fault. It's not my fault they are nasty toward me. They are supposed to know I have a mental illness and be gentle. They are also supposed to be able to control their emotions in ways they know I can't. Giving me a lecture about emotional intelligence is nasty and hypocritical. Like, how can they tell me I'm a defective person for getting emotional and irrational if they do too?

I feel like they think we're in a pub, and they're looking for a fight, just like Luke says above. I think most people would not try to claim I'm a bad person for defending myself when I'm under attack. 

NO! I don't like feeling bullied, especially by other people with mental illness. We need to work together and cooperate, and stand up for each other. We are stronger together, and when united we can achieve anything.

I am your friend. Are you my friend? Are we friends?

[S_A_D_]

I find a lot of your advice helpful Luke. You seem like a good, kind person, and I would like to be your friend. Will you be my friend too, Luke?

I haven't seen Lone Ranger yet, but the ads make it look funny and now that I have a recommendation from you I think I will see it.

I have seen Fast & Furious 6 recently, and it was absolutely freaking brilliant. The jokes made about it on Facebook are all accurate: the airport runway at the end of the film goes on for ages. Not as much as depicted on Facebook (ie. from Spain to Siberia), but it is unrealistically long, like an entire freeway or something. Funny stuff.

Christacat: Have you recently seen any films worth recommending?

[christacat]

No I haven't.

[christacat]

My loneliness has gotten worse lately, just don't know what to do anymore.