A Common Story?

smallwolf · ‎12-12-2017

I was reading a couple of the other introductions earlier and could see a lot of myself in their stories. I am the generally the one that helps everyone, the one that has all the answers, the one that puts on a brave face, when underneath it is all turning to crap.

My anxiety ... future telling, finding problems that don't exist and my mind goes over and over these again and again. I know these thoughts are irrational and emotive, and yet these thought don't leave my head. I know that I am loved by family, but I just don't feel it or don't deserve it. Yin and Yang... one part of my head thinks irrationally and the other (logical side) know that it should not be the case.

With my psychologist started a happy memories session yesterday. Going through it I ended in tears. As helpful as it was, it seemed like one of the few memories in my life that seems to get overtaken by every other problem in a sea of black and those happy memories fade away. (I work from home as a software developer and have always been logical, even if a glass half empty. There is little/no thanks in the work I do anymore.)

I am tired and despondent in feeling this way. I hope that I am not complaining too much. Just want to know that I am not alone.

Ggrand · ‎22-05-2018

Hello Smallwolf,

Yes I'll agree it's easier to give out helpful advise but when it comes to us being self compassionate and using our own advice well...

Being kind to yourself is...

to self talk only positives about you..
encourage yourself...tell yourself you can do it..
have patience with yourself. If at first you fail, try again.
listen to you ...to the way your talking to yourself.
forgive yourself..this one is hard, but we can try..

When saying be kind to yourself we are saying all these things at once....

Im also saying to you Tim, Deebi, Pamela and everyone reading or posting, to be kind to yourself. 🤗🌹. always.

Grandy..xx

Music_Freak · ‎22-05-2018

Grandy,

I hate to admit it, but I rarely, if ever, do what you talked about. Too much of the opposite 😞

Anyway Wolfy, I'm just popping in to say hello since I haven't posted here for a while, also I wanted to echo what everyone else has mentioned here 🙂

Croix · ‎31-05-2018

Dear Tim~

I saw on Shelley Anne's thread you mentioned you had a half day back today. I'd imagine even a half day could be pretty stressful. The accounts you gave of your job before showed how full of pressure it is.

Going back can be a pretty hard thing to do, I do hope they are understanding and try to give you tasks that you are comfortable with.

Croix

demonblaster · ‎31-05-2018

Dear Wolfy and all ☺

I read somewhere you did a half day back at work, I really hope that went ok for you, very courageous and another forward positive move. You're strength is in being proactive, you're an inspiration to many myself included and you help so many. I like how you keep going and look for ways of improvement. I believe you'll get on top of this.

There's certainly hard times you're living but the great thing is in the short pleasant time I've known you there's been many positives. I'm excited for you with the doors opening at Uni and that you're having more people contact and the two opportunities for work at Uni.

I heard you mention on a thread in response to a psych ? Any side effects from the meds and you said no if I understood so I'm hopeful your stomach pain has eased off?

Reading back I thought when you're struggling this might help

"wife and I were just having a walk in the neighborhood, and I realized
that it was a really beautiful day. And it was warm.
And there was this wonderful little bit of a breeze. And birds sounded
really beautiful. And flowers smelled really great. And my wife’s hand
felt really good in my hand. And we’re walking and I just started to
cry, and she was like, ‘What’s wrong?’ And I said,
‘I just realized that I don’t feel bad. I just realized I’m not
existing, I’m living.'"

My hope for you Wolfy is too feel like that at a constant.

Deep "gratitude" for being there for me and always listening and not giving up. Means SO much Wolfy, you and many here do ⚘

I believe you have the goods to achieve this.

Suns shining, birdies singing, it's not stinking hot. Gotta be good

☺🕊

PamelaR · ‎31-05-2018

Hiya Wolfy

Read on another thread you'd returned to work for 1/2 day. How did that go? I know it's not easy at all. I did that after my breakdown and was so lucky to have a supportive team and return to work coordinator. My transition went smoothly. I hope you had a similar experience, though I know your workplace isn't the best. Sending you lots of hugs.

When you're up to it, please let us all know how things are. We're all thinking of you.

Kind regards

Pammy

smallwolf · ‎31-05-2018

Hi All,

Thanks for the support. It has been a while between drinks so to speak. I have my last and only assignment to hand in tomorrow. The following is part of an email I sent to a select few in my support group on Wednesday, and all events mentioned on Wednesday. I have some stuff to talk to my psych about. Not sure if I mentioned this elsewhere, but I did apply for a paid position going at the college! The email read...

Last week (?) I went back to the psychiatrist to see how I was going. Other than upping my medication to 150mg, we also spoke about the transitioning back into work, starting with ½ day a week. I know (!) that does not sound like a lot. Today was the day that happened. In the morning, and after the morning service I went to the library and instead of working on my assignment (the only one I have) decided to do work. Even though I had been speaking with some people from work, this felt different. My anxiety was returning. In my naïve view it is somewhere between moderate and severe. Not as bad as the events that triggered by time off work, and not quite as bad as the events that first caused me to see a GP, but the physical symptoms were/are ever present. At the time of writing this email, over 2 hours from the when I stopped, I still have a little trouble concentrating. Concentration was also a problem in the midday service. I hope that by writing this down, I might get the stupid thoughts out of my head (self critic stuff) and will be able to think about the assignment that is due on Jun 1.

Tim

PamelaR · ‎31-05-2018

Thank you Wolfy for updating us!

Dare I say it, you could always ask for an extension.... 🙂

CMF · ‎01-06-2018

Hey Tim,

well done for applying for that job. I wish you all the best with it. Sorry to hear the 1/2 day at work was so challenging. I hope this gets easier for you but pls don't put too much pressure on yourself.

cmf x

smallwolf · ‎04-06-2018

Too many thought flying around my head. Frustration. Failure. Anger. Mostly with myself. Why (you ask)?

I had a psychologist appointment today. I got lots of homework to do. In addition to the pleasure lists etc. I have to (1) maintain a positive items journal and (2) write down 3 things each day to look forward to (3) there are other things that I have to do as well, as I could not answer her questions in the time allowed.

On the upside... worked out that it is hard for to find gratitude in (small) things, and I dwell on the negative. On the downside, hard for to find gratitude in (small) things, and I dwell on the negative. That is where the homework comes in.

So I sent a couple of texts to wife about this, but in the end (emotionally) fell into a hole. She offered to stay at home this afternoon but I told her to go to work. I tried to do a little more work today, and the anxiety comes back without reason. We spoke about that at my session today. She is really concerned about my current job. And I am waiting for a reply from the college about the position there. I bought flowers for the house today and they are sitting at the end of the bench in the kitchen. I can see them from where I am writing here. Something to brighten up the space.

If you put the memory and concentration issues to the side, the increase in the dosage of ADs (sort of) worked. Until today. All of the other side effects of the ADs gone. Except 2 others that I won't mention here.

Hope to speak with wife after dinner when kids asleep. She says not to forget that she/they love me.

AAARRRGGGGHHHHH! That is my just screaming inside my head. Should start dinner. I will get into the it once I start. Starting is the hard bit. I will be OK. Just have to get out of the hole. Or is it a valley that I am walking through. See how I feel later tonight.

Tim

PamelaR · ‎04-06-2018

Hello lovely Tim.

Not sure I'm the best person you'd want around now, since I have the knack of getting right to the core and sometimes with little forethought for the person. Please tell me to go away if I hurt you.

You are such a wonderful natured person who gives a lot to others. However, when it comes to be kind to your you find it extremely difficult. I think that is why in part your homework is difficult to do, i.e. that you have to identify 3 things your do well and 3 things you look forward. And you are so used to beating yourself up.

I'm holding out my hand to help lead you through that valley your in, so you can come out on top of the cliff overlooking the sea. Fill your lungs with the air and watch the sea gulls soar as the waves come tumbling in, breathing out as the huge tide goes back out. The sun is setting just on the horizon, the bright yellow/orange is magnificent. It lights up your face. Fill a basket tied to a helium balloon with all your thoughts and worries about work and the emails you've received let the balloon float up into the sky into the bright horizon and disintegrate.

Then breath again:)

The flowers are a blessing for you, your wife, children and your house. What sort did you buy?

Kind regards

PamelaR