A Common Story?

[smallwolf]

I was reading a couple of the other introductions earlier and could see a lot of myself in their stories. I am the generally the one that helps everyone, the one that has all the answers, the one that puts on a brave face, when underneath it is all turning to crap.

My anxiety ... future telling, finding problems that don't exist and my mind goes over and over these again and again. I know these thoughts are irrational and emotive, and yet these thought don't leave my head. I know that I am loved by family, but I just don't feel it or don't deserve it. Yin and Yang... one part of my head thinks irrationally and the other (logical side) know that it should not be the case.

With my psychologist started a happy memories session yesterday. Going through it I ended in tears. As helpful as it was, it seemed like one of the few memories in my life that seems to get overtaken by every other problem in a sea of black and those happy memories fade away. (I work from home as a software developer and have always been logical, even if a glass half empty. There is little/no thanks in the work I do anymore.)

I am tired and despondent in feeling this way. I hope that I am not complaining too much. Just want to know that I am not alone.

[demonblaster]

Welcome wolf

I aim to return & talk more just not sure when

Here you're not alone

Thanks for posting

Bbl ☺

[TogALot]

Hi small wolf. It took me a while to post on these forums, but after posting the other night for the first time I did feel a bit better, even for just a short while. Reading peoples stories that echo my own situation is almost a relief, that I am not alone, that there are others that will understand exactly how I feel.

Like you, I see a lot of my story in others and I am sure now that reading so many similar stories and knowing others feel the same will help and maybe we can all support each other as we fight a common battle.

[Bethie]

Welcome smallwolf

Your not alone in any of this. I feel your pain. One of my biggest hurdles with anxity and depression is projecting into the future.

If it helps a happy memory can be your on here now and communicating how and what you feel😊😊 that's a positive.

Staying in the now is easier said than done. Something I personally do is close my eyes, put my hand on my heart and just focus on the sound of it. Might sound strange but it lets me know things are ok.

Please keep checking in. I'm only New here but people who have been on here for ages can help with advice probably more.

Your not alone...you've taken a huge positive step by being here. A journey of a thousand miles starts with 1 step

[demonblaster]

Wolf Bethie & togs hey welcome, think we've met Bethie here, very good posts both of you btw

Wolf I too have less now but what the ? Thoughts of scenarios in the future, I think it branches off depression & irrational as you said so they're rubbish thoughts, nothing that can be addressed so Im starting to learn to let them slide through & dismiss as nah just trying to pull me down, not having that.

Other thoughts if we can change or learn from when we're strong enough then hopefully we can work through, & put them to bed.

Good you have logic working for you, by focus & listening to those moreso can aid in pulling strength back up.

Depression buries our strength but I believe its not gone. Another way of bringing it back is to continue thinking of those good memories, although you said fading they'd still be there i hope, everytime you do it blocks another negative thought. Any break from the downs lessons the habit causing the constant downs.

Glad you found the happy memories helped & tears are a release of emotion so exhausting as it is some stress is getting out

Good on you posting & opening up, as you can see here's a great safe caring community people wanting to be there for eachother.

Please when you're ready feel free to continue

Tc all ☺

[smallwolf]

Thank you for those replies. Here is why I should be happy... a loving wife, 2 kids, cat, a job, house. But I feel detached from everything... one occasion when I was walking up the road near my house and there was a fleeting moment of happiness. And I then wondered why I was happy and the feeling was foreign. Did I deserve to be happy? Logically YES, but my heart says otherwise...

In one session I went through the cognitive distortions, and pretty much ticked them all! The problem I face regarding the negative thoughts vs the logical mind is that the negative thoughts are winning, and my logical side says to snap out of it. the other consequences are that I don't feel as productive as I "used to be", and times when I draw a total blank as to what I was/should be doing. And if you are also self-critical introvert, the downward spiral begins.

I work from home as a software developer. People send me their problems when all other avenues have failed. And typically at this stage the customer might also be irate. So I don't really have anyone to talk through issues and problems with. I get to ruminate on everything that sucks and cannot resolve in the timerframe. I just shuffle from one problem to the next. The happy memories (at least in my head) then float/fade away like leaves in the wind. And successes get taken by the next problem. (While writing this I searched for happy memory examples and now in hindsight I could find some. An example, I am also studying BTh and in Greek/Hebrew I got a 7. That should be a happy memory. At the time I also fixated on the mistakes I made in either the exam or papers (written assessments).

I would like to stop beating myself up but its very difficult.

It is hard to recognise happy memories when you feel down.

[Croix]

Dear Smallwolf~

Your talk of Happy Memories sounded familiar.

I have found when down that reading other peoples happy memories or writing down one of mine can help to lift the mood.

This sounds all very well, and is actually more difficult than it sounds, you did say "It is hard to recognize happy memories when you feel down" which is very true, however if you can it is well worth it.

I have a thread:

Forums / Staying well / Store Your Happy Memories Here:

Which attempts to do just that. People skim though it reading anything that catches their fancy, or write down a memory of their own that is pleasing to oneself and others too. It makes a change from the problems people have and seems quite popular.

Thinking of a memory can be very hard as when the mind is preoccupied by anxiety and depression, in fact it can appear that there are none.

To get the ball rolling you may be reminded by something someone else wrote. I've recently been reminded of an incident with a wallaby by a post in that thread, and was able to write it down, even though before I'd not thought of it for years.

The other way is to see what a random word brings up when you reflect on it. Perhaps try "Commodore"?

I actually find the writing is the most therapeutic aspect for me. By the time I've put the words how I like my attention has often drifted from the anxiety it was preoccupied with.

I hope this can help

Croix

[demonblaster]

Hey Wolf & all

Replied earlier, post not through yet

Hope today's a bit lighter for you

[smallwolf]

Lighter ... Sort Of.... I still have sleepless nights, and the chest remain tight. Was going to "there is still time in the day for it go downhill" but I have remain positive.

On holidays tomorrow and I have found some happy memories that I have written down. They are only triggers, but happy memories none the less.

I realise there are up to be up and down hours and days. The thing that irritates me the most are the extremes. I can be OK, and then (example only) I get an email that throws me a curve ball, and that can wreak the remainder of the day for me.

My toolkit is growing... I have apps on my phone, REBT, and now happy memories. I also joined (?) "the mighty" on FB and that page and this site become a good outlet for me.

I am a work in progress... have to keep telling myself that.

[demonblaster]

Good on you, your positive attitude Wolf "work in progress" & holding onto a positive mindset is really helpful

Sleep's so important for us, carries & creates more tension from stress.

Sorry scanned through previous posts do you excercise which can help with stress release & sleep.

You're really doing well working at getting through this ? REBT .. ? breathing techniques

Tc