I made a big mistake...

_Nik_ · ‎17-11-2019

hi,

I have been feeling suicidal for a while, and that's just been a common fact about me. But, I don't tend to tell people this. There was this guy, a few years older than me (he's a year 12) and he's been helping me out, he's a good friend of mine, but sometimes he gets angry when I do what he says is "stupid things" to myself. At least, I know he cares.

We go to drama together, and I only get to see him for two hours each week, which is hard, but that's not the point.

I made a big mistake:

I opened up a group chat, with about 10 people (my friends from drama) and I wrote a goodbye note. I don't think I should have done that. I also have anxiety, so I'm kinda scared that I made a mistake. I just wanted to say goodbye, in case I did something. I'm not planning anything just yet, but it was a "Just in case" note. I didn't tell them that though.

Only one person has replied. What should I do?

Aaronsis · ‎17-11-2019

Hi Nik

I am so glad that you have reached out and come to get some support, I can see how scared and worried you are and you are in a place now to get some support and comfort here.

I would like to say though if you are not safe right now to please call an ambulance on 000, if you are ok but not feeling right at this moment can I ask you to call Lifeline on 13 11 14, there you will get to speak to some wonderful people who are professionals and can help you through this time.

I can hear how desperate you are in that you did write a good bye note to your friends, I also hear that you are really regretting doing that. I am not sure what your friends would be thinking but I am sure that they are probably not sure what to do and how to react, depending on what you have said in your note they may have also seen it as an appreciation note and that you might be expressing your gratitude for their friendship.

Can I also ask if you have spoken to your parents about how you are feeling? I know you will not want to worry them however, they love you and will want to support you and comfort you through this time. If you are not sure what to say you could show them your post here as it expresses very well how you are feeling and addresses the note that you sent to your friends. I think also your parents would want to hear how you are feeling from you, and might I suggest that if one of your school friends have spoken to their parents they might be concerned and make contact with your parents. Please reach out to them.

I lost my 19 year old brother to suicide only 3 months ago and I can tell you right now I would have given anything to be there with him at the point you are at now and to say how proud I was of him for speaking out, that mental illness and thoughts of suicide and worries in life can be helped with some assistance and that this is a rough time in your life and not the rest of your life. I would have held him and listened all night to him if it meant saving him. Please give your parents the chance to help you, please let them love you and support you.

I am so proud that you have reached out here and that you have spoken, you are so very brave and so very much loved and needed in this world Nik, hugs to you right now.

Please come back and chat as I care and would like to know how you are getting along.

AS

white knight · ‎17-11-2019

Hi Nik, welcome

I'm sorry to hear your situation and feelings, you sound quite fragile.

Like AS I also lost my brother, he was 26yo and in 1978 a long time ago. (So sorry AS) Myself ans my sister have also attempted.

So what is the biggest message I'd like to say to you? Firstly get help as AS said, ring 000. Also be aware that as you grow up these tendencies tend to drift away then you'll be Soooo glad you remained strong as life will be so exciting.

Friends and family that are not trained in mental health will not have empathy towards your situation I'm afraid. Google

Beyondblue topic they just wont understand - why?

So that is why this forum is so good, a place you can go where birds of a feather talk together 🙂

Your action of saying goodbye will be seen as attention seeking. I know you didnt want that but it does highlight how sad and confused you are in life. Believe me, it is all temporary. This fellow seems to care- hang onto him as a friend because they are the type of people you need in your life.

Finally, as you talk to your friends if the topic arises about your goodbye message, just say "yeh, sorry about that, it wasnt the right thing to do, I wasnt feeling well". Now if they dont forgive you then it is their problem but most will.

I hope you stay in the forum as you please. You can add to your story if there is any developments and we can guide you through any issues.

PS well done in writing in, that takes courage even though its confidential.

TonyWK

_Nik_ · ‎18-11-2019

Thank you for your advice.

Firstly, I know that they did not see it as a gratitude for their friendship, as I got a call from the police (that I missed) which surely would have been them saying something. I tried to call the police back, but they have no idea what I am talking about and I think they thought I was wasting their time.

My parents do know what I am going through but I don't tend to tell them stuff, as I know it upsets them and that hurts me. I don't tell them stuff because I don't want them to stop me.

I must seem hopeless, sorry.

- Nik

_Nik_ · ‎18-11-2019

Thank you for your advice.

I didn't think about it being attention seeking, but now that you mention it, I guess some people could see it at that way. Thanks for the advice on what to say when I see them next, I was trying to not stress to much about it.

romantic_thi3f · ‎18-11-2019

Hi ~Nik~,

Thanks for your post and I'm sorry to hear how much you're struggling right now. For what it's worth, I'm glad that you're still here and haven't planned anything yet.

I know that if it had have been me on the other end of that group chat, I might not have replied either. Not because it seems like you are attention seeking, but because it would shock me to the core to know that someone I was friends with was thinking of ending their life. I don't really know that there's anything that seems quite right to say; I know I certainly wouldn't want to say goodbye!

I know that you regret sending that message, but I wonder if maybe now that you've done it you can use this to your advantage? You've worried your friends enough to call the police, but maybe was that needed? To show you that they care about you? I'm interested to know too how things go when you next catch up with them.

RT

Aaronsis · ‎18-11-2019

Hi Nik

Can I start by saying you are most definitely not hopeless and I am so very happy that you have come back to chat, I hear what you are saying that you don't want to tell your parents too much as you don't want them to stop you, and you also said that you don't want to hurt them and the thought of them in pain actually hurts you. I feel somewhat hopeful that these feelings of hurting your parents will help you to stay, can I say that hurt is not even close to what they will be feeling should you chose to take your life. I am by no means trying to guilt you here but just want to say that my father is a broken man now, he will never be the same again. We actually just got matching tattoos to honor my brother, my dad is 70, it was his first. The pain and crying and emotion that came out of that man when he received that call was heart wrenching and sickening, I wish that on no human ever.

You are so loved and wanted in this world Nik, your parents love you and the fact your friend called the police suggests how much they care too, this is a rough time now Nik, this does not have to be a life sentence for you, there are so many people who would sit with you and help and hug you and get you through this time.

Please come back and chat and please reach out to someone or LifeLine 13 11 14 if you are really in a tough spot Nik, you are worth it, every bit of it.

Huge hugs to you Nik

Sarah

_Nik_ · ‎19-11-2019

Hi, I'm back again.

Some interesting things have happened... I don't think interesting is the right word, because it's more like some bad things have happened.

1. Yesterday my mum took me to the emergency department, which I was in for about 6 hours. I've been in the ED before but last time nothing changed, so I'm hoping that something happens this time.

2. Apparently the police did get involved, and that kind of scares me.

3. I had to apologize for writing the goodbye note.

4. There is a chance that I won't be allowed back at my drama, because of complaints and if that happens I won't ever see my friends again, and I won't ever get to see him, who is the only one I could talk to. I'm really scared.

5. If I am allowed back, a couple of my friends want to talk to me face to face, but they don't realise how much I don't want to do that. I really just want to isolate myself and stop talking for the rest of my life. Drastic I know, but I'm scared, embarrassed and feeling quite stupid.

If I had know this would have happened before I sent the note, I honestly wouldn't have said it. Drama is my life, and I don't know how to live without it. Fingers crossed I don't have to.

- a very scared Nik

white knight · ‎19-11-2019

Hi Nik

Think about the word “forgiveness”.

You made a mistake, everyone deserves a second chance. If that does not happen then that groups organisers and those friends aren’t worth your time.

Move on. In life people move away, friendships come and go, that isafact of life Nik.

We all learn from mistakes, those that claim they don’t make mistakes are fibbers

TonyWK

romantic_thi3f · ‎20-11-2019

Hi ~Nik~,

It's good to hear back from you even though it doesn't really sound like you have good updates for us!

Can you tell us how it went on at the ED?

"Drama is my life, and I don't know how to live without it". - Thank you for sharing this. In all that's gone wrong lately this feels like the thing that has gone right. Because it's telling me and showing me straight up that this is really something you want to live for.

What is the next step? One thing that you could potentially do is talk to the school counsellor - they'll be able to have a chat with the drama teacher privately and hopefully help you back in, especially knowing how important it is to you.

I know you don't want to face your friends. It's not drastic, it's understandable. But flip it - if this had happened to one of your friends, don't you think you'd want to see them too? I know I sure would. Even if it was hard.

RT