Never done this before

[Moonstruck]

Good morning all,

My loving partner died 3 weeks ago and I've been different each day....managing to do all the essentials but at times in a confused "lost" sort of way that I hide well. I conduct conversations with others, some who know, some who don't very easily...chatting and laughing and carrying out the essentials of daily life, paying bills, making appointments, car services, new appliances etc....as if nothing had happened.

Most mornings though I want to lie in bed for the whole day,never seeing or speaking to anyone. Driving in the car when a piece of music plays that reminds me of "us" the tears come. I attended a small group meeting of member of a club I belong to (of course it's all been shut down and in limbo since Corona, so nothing happened to distract me from the loss)....just needed to see familiar faces. Strangely enough conversation seemed to shut down and become a bit stilted when I arrived..no one mentioned my loss at all. I was longing for a hug, so I could give way to my pent up emotions, but there were none.

No touch,no comfort offered....nothing! Why was this? These are great people and I know they care and like me..........but they didn't offer any words of comfort. Perhaps I was wrong about them being my friends, perhaps they couldn't give a stuff about me after all...what an idiot I am!

The loss is not just"him"...a person. It's the other things that have also gone. No one knows me, "gets"me, or thinks I am as beautiful as he did. No one will tell me how lovely I look (even when I don't ) any more. No one calls me "darling". No one has my crazy at times black, sense of humour. I don't know anyone else who laughs at the same things we did. It's all those things that have gone too. No one comes in the door and immediately enfolds me in a hug.

Why didn't my friends comfort me?

[quirkywords]

Moon, Grandy ahs offered supportive and kind suggestions.

I think that you go with your feelings, your gut instinct. No rules as has been said before, for grieving.

You probably feel empty and directionless you have lost your compass. You may feel lost.

It is still very early days and accepting what is happening is the gift you can give yourself.
Like many of us you maybe overthinking things. Instead of how will I be, can you just be.

Quirky

[Moonstruck]

What is beginning to be obvious to me is that...nothing seems to "touch" me any more. Nothing seems to have meaning, or has much of an impact on me. I don't seem to react the way I used to...no enthusiasm. No motivation or anticipation about anything. Just going through the motions of existing and being as little bother to others as possible.

Don't even care if I never speak to another person all day...breathe sigh of relief when darkness falls (always was a "night person" anyway) and no one can see me...the later it gets the better...less chance of anyone contacting me. I want no interaction with others at all.

I cry so very easily, like a little child. a real cry-baby. went to the ocean and so many places are around where we used to walk, sit and talk, the club verandah overlooking the sea where I'd look up and he'd wave from up there already waiting for me......I could see him walking in the distance on his long morning beach-walk, a tiny speck which got clearer as he became closer...sometimes the speck would be so tiny I couldn't be sure it was him...but I knew the way he swung his arms as he walked....magic moments. No one told me they would never return. so why did they happen at all?

what was the point? answer is, there is no point. No answer at all. Our mothers foolishly reproduced the species....and here we all are...with a "life"... thanks to a brief biological moment between a male and a female and we carry that "gift" they gave us until we can carry it no longer......we had no say in it at all.

[White_Rose]

Hello Moon

You are so very unhappy and I grieve for you. There is no way through this morass except by going through it. It does stink a bit I know. I left my husband after 20 years and I still miss being with him. There is still grief for what might have been. I had not realised how much he controlled my life and once I left I was unsure how I would manage. Not very well at the start but I learned as I went along.

My grief for my mom's death was overwhelming and I cried for months. It's OK to do this. Keeping it all choked up is exhausting. Cry when you need to. Tears can bring healing. Have you thought of holding a kind of memorial for your husband? Not immediately but sometime. Perhaps a gathering of family and friends at your home. Bring out the photo albums, talk about past events, cry if you need, remember family jokes. It helps to remember the good things though you may feel sad for the future loss.

That feeling of being lost and alone is one of the steps towards more comfort. Please do not try to recapture your feelings. They will return in a while. So much pain, anger, loss and devastation will come and go for a while. Let them happen, wash over you and dissipate. It's not easy I know but you will get through this slowly.

Mary

[Moonstruck]

You see, it takes me by surprise....these waves of immense sadness (is it grief?) he died back in May. This morning on the car radio they played "Try to Remember"...an old song that goes "try to remember, the kind of September when life was sweet and oh so mellow...try to remember the kind of September when grass was green and grain was yellow....." it's very moving with a kind of melancholy running through it....urging the listener to "try and remember" what "it" was like.

Out of the blue...I dissolved into floods of tears, pouring down my face as I drove. I yelled out "I can't do this any more"....(cars are good like that, you can scream your fury and rage).

Does anyone know who has lost a long-time partner, a person who loved them so so much....how long this lasts? It's not every day.....so why did this happen when that harmless old song played on the radio?? How much longer do I dissolve without warning into floods of tears??? I drove to the beach and sat on top of a hill looking at the ocean, tears running down my face!!! How much longer?

[quirkywords]

Moon

the answer is no one knows and it will ebb and flow.

The unpredictability of grief or loss can be hard to plan for.

I have cried in the freezer section of supermarket but no cried oat funeral.

I cried over a song honest lullably by joan baez and have no idea why!!

[blondguy]

Hi Moon!

There is no time limit on grieving....unfortunately. It is a horrible period of time to go through

Bear Hugs and understanding always

Paul

[Quercus]

Hi Moonstruck,

I've nothing useful to add to what others are saying already.

Quirky wrote about the frozen food isle and I agree too. Grief just seems to hit whenever it wants to. I always seem to break down when I'm alone in the car. No idea why.

Just wanted to say I'm listening too and care.

❤️Nat

[Moonstruck]

Dear friends....firstly thank you for your loving words and support....believe me, they are most appreciated and help. What has been interesting is other people's words, reactions..or lack of etc during this time....also how I myself react to them....yes I guess "interesting" is as good a word as any. It's all been so "new"...

e.g. earlier today an acquaintance/neighbour told me "your bigggest problem is boredom" then proceeded to tell me I should volunteer for various things to "get me out of the house and my mind on other things" etc....she then listed the places I should contact re volunteering (as I am retired now) "you have too much time on your hands".....everything she said made sense and she was probably right!!!

But...and here's the big "but".....since our conversation I have felt "less than"...."inadequate, boring, not doing it right, a failure, etc".

The conversation began with my saying how good I felt the night before to be with a group of old friends again (our activities had been severely curtailed and stopped altogether due to Covid restrictions) and that I almost "didn't feel like coming home again".....that's when she told me where I should volunteer and my "big problem was boredom".

I felt so inadequate and ashamed......I was all prepared to start ringing organisations etc straight away to prove I was a worthwhile human being. She is a nice person who I am sure meant well.....but this was the result.

I have felt terrible the rest of the day......is this my own fault? Or was she unwise in her choice of words? Am I too sensitive? Am I handling grief in a weaker way than other people are? She will probably ask me next time she sees me, if I have begun any volunteer work....what will I say?

[Elizabeth CP]

I think Grief is unpredictable & very different for each person. Different things can trigger quite intense reactions which are hard to explain logically. You asked .is this my own fault Only if it is your fault for being human with normal human emotions!!! As for being weaker than others NO. I lost my father 30 years ago and every so often things pop up which reignite the feeling of grief. I am sure she meant well with her advice but she is not in your shoes so doesn't understand exactly what you are experiencing.

If you think volunteering may help go ahead and organise it because you think it might help but don't do it because someone else said it you should. If you do try volunteering & it doesn't work then you can decide for yourself if you want to keep trying or if you believe it won't help.

Speaking for myself I'd be really upset if someone told me my problem was boredom & told me to volunteer to keep my mind off things!!! You don't deserve to feel ashamed & inadequate.

[quirkywords]

Moon

elizabeth has given you helpful suggestions. I agree do something because you want to not because someone has told.

it is hard when we say every one grieves individually yet people tell you what to do.
Do not feel inadequate or ashamed . Please follow your instincts and grieve in your own way.

A friend of mine was dating 3montbs after her husband to whom she was married for 40 years, died suddenly. She felt that people had not right to judge her and she lost some friends over her decision.
. Some people felt unless you mourned for a year it wasn’t right.
I think people think because something helped them grieve that will help every one.

I think your neighbour thought she was helping and would not imagine the effect her words would have on you

You know what’s best for yourself.