Never done this before

[Moonstruck]

Good morning all,

My loving partner died 3 weeks ago and I've been different each day....managing to do all the essentials but at times in a confused "lost" sort of way that I hide well. I conduct conversations with others, some who know, some who don't very easily...chatting and laughing and carrying out the essentials of daily life, paying bills, making appointments, car services, new appliances etc....as if nothing had happened.

Most mornings though I want to lie in bed for the whole day,never seeing or speaking to anyone. Driving in the car when a piece of music plays that reminds me of "us" the tears come. I attended a small group meeting of member of a club I belong to (of course it's all been shut down and in limbo since Corona, so nothing happened to distract me from the loss)....just needed to see familiar faces. Strangely enough conversation seemed to shut down and become a bit stilted when I arrived..no one mentioned my loss at all. I was longing for a hug, so I could give way to my pent up emotions, but there were none.

No touch,no comfort offered....nothing! Why was this? These are great people and I know they care and like me..........but they didn't offer any words of comfort. Perhaps I was wrong about them being my friends, perhaps they couldn't give a stuff about me after all...what an idiot I am!

The loss is not just"him"...a person. It's the other things that have also gone. No one knows me, "gets"me, or thinks I am as beautiful as he did. No one will tell me how lovely I look (even when I don't ) any more. No one calls me "darling". No one has my crazy at times black, sense of humour. I don't know anyone else who laughs at the same things we did. It's all those things that have gone too. No one comes in the door and immediately enfolds me in a hug.

Why didn't my friends comfort me?

[quirkywords]

Moon

please do not apologize for grieving and being human. Not self indulgent in the least. You write honestly and clearly and I am sure who feel like you wont feel alone because of your words.

I am glad you have a plan for the ashes. Im movie there is a sound track of music full of emotion.

I understand this habe nee a hard time for you but writing you have helped me and others and I thank you for that.

[Paw Prints]

Dear Moon,

Lass there is no need to apologise for your post... I don't see it as a self indulgent sob story...

You are grieving lass... it is natural that you would want to share that today is important to you... his birthday is one of those special days... scattering some of his ashes in a place you both loved is a lovely idea.

I am sitting with you in spirit lass... it's ok let your tears fall... you are hurting... I'm here to listen if you want to talk...

Gentlest of hugs

Paws

[CMF]

Oh Moon,

How besutiguk6. The song was not coincidence. Your beloved was telling you he is still with you in spirit.

It is not a sob story. You need support, understanding, a place to vent, share how you're feeling. We are for you, for whatever you need dear friend.

Cmf x

[Moonstruck]

Unbeliever....this is a reply to Unbeliever who asked the following questions:

How are you dealing with the loss of someone who you truly loved and who truly loved you? What is it like 10 months later Moonstruck? Are you gradually feeling better? Or are some aspects getting worse for you? Do you feel that you are able to cope? Or do you still sometimes feel afraid that you are going to fall apart? Is there anything that I or anyone else can do to make things better or easier for you?

I'll try and give some brief answers noting we have a word count:

1. I'm not sure I am "dealing" with the loss at all, it happened and I can't make it unhappen. I can't yet seem to make this sense of "loss" go away. I have lost a lot of things in my life...I am sick of losing things.

2. 10 months later it is not as raw, I don't cry as much, I seem to have "accepted" it more but that doesn't it "feel" any better. I want the "feeling" back I had when he was alive. I would be content with the "feeling" I had then if I can't actually have the living breathing human.

3. Aspects getting worse are my abilities to be strong, relaxed and confident in other mundane areas of my life. My ability to cope every day seems to be getting worse. Getting organised and working out how to spend my days is getting worse, not better. It seems the "fall out" from his death is getting worse, rather than the heartbreak itself.

4.No I don't feel I am able to cope. 5. Yes I feel afraid that I am going to fall apart, not so much over his death, but over other things that happen that in the past I may have just brushed off and dealt with as everyday life and difficulties...now they seem tremendous and overwhelming. In fact the fear of "falling apart" is becoming stronger, not better.

6. To make me feel better, you or anyone else could touch me. If hugging me is too much to ask, then just a finger touching my arm would be enough...human contact. Touch. I don't feel another human's hands any more. that would make me feel better.

Thank you for your questions Unbeliever...and I hope you found this thread.....love Moon S

[Moonstruck]

I don't think Unbeliever has seen my answers to his/her questions. No matter I guess. we had been both getting off topic you see, on the Night Owls thread so I directed Unbeliever to this one to find my answers...bless him/her anyway for asking the hard hitting stuff.

My experiences and after effects of a partner's death may be of interest to others, who may have to go through it in the future, although it is likely to be a totally opposite reaction to my own. I wonder if there are any emotions/effects/behaviours that are common to all, or do we all react so differently to death? does anyone know?

You know those movie scenes where the loved one is by the hospital bed, holding the dying persons' hand, talking to them, making it easier for them to pass, listening to their last words, perhaps those of love or those left unsaid...just being there, watching them go peacefully, kissing their brow.......when I see those scenes I can't relate to them at all...I didn't have that chance to say Goodbye.

My last hospital visit we discussed where I should park my car when I came to bring him home...to be closest to his ward, how long a walk to the carpark, if he'd need a wheelchair etc.......there was no mention of perhaps he wouldn't come home at all! as I left I gave a last little wave through the curtain around his bed and he called out softly "Bye Beautiful". Those were the last words he said to me. No sign of distress, pain, or emergency.

No serious talks with Drs that things had taken a turn for the worst etc...nothing! Next day I got a phone call, saying when the nurse went to do usual checks, obs, medication etc..everything was fine. An hour later she checked on him again and he was gone! They did not ring me to "come in and things looked serious"...I guess there was no reason to. which dying experience would have helped me more I wonder...being able to see his last breath...or just a quick "Bye Beautiful"?

[quirkywords]

Moon

I find many of events in movies are not like real life. In movies at hospitals there is is always a medical expert on hand who understands and is supportive.

I think bye beautiful may have helped but who knows.

I know people who have had time with a loved one at home with a chance to say goodbye who still found the experience hard and the grieving difficult.

Moon I appreciate you sharing your experiences with others so honestly.

[Paw Prints]

Hello Moon,

I had written a reply to you, but my internet connection dropped out & I lost the lot so take 2:

I have never lost a partner, but I have lost far too many loved ones over the years & I grieved each & everyone differently...

To my thinking having your last memory being him saying "Bye Beautiful" is very special...

I have been beside loved ones as they passed... it was nothing like in the movies... there were no final words, no squeezing of hands... in my case there had been months/years of palliative care so their passing was expected...I don't think that if you had been there for your partner's last breath it would have made things any easier for you now... it sounds as though he passed so suddenly that it would still have been an unexpected shock for you.

I lost my 2nd brother 5 years ago... he was my best friend as well as being my sibling... he had his dinner, watched some telly & went to bed... his wife found he had died during the night... no illness/no warning... I still haven't come to terms with his passing... the sense that it is so unfair... that he was too young... the feeling of being cut adrift... of no longer having that sense of having someone who always had my back... it has affected my life in so many ways.

From what you have said your partner slipped quietly away... there would not have been any final words had you been there... Lass you were the last person he connected with... I don't doubt you were the last person he thought of... there is every probability he had been thinking of you coming in to take him home...

Sending you hugs

Paws

[CMF]

Dear Moon,

I often hear of people who pass when those with them leave the room. My father did. The words 'Bye Beautiful will forever be treasured words for you. It is heartbreaking that you had no warning, no time to prepare or sit and speak last words but I feel assured that it was a peaceful passing from this life to the next. As heart wrenching as it is, those words are now so precious.

I have no answer as to why it happened that way. Perhaps the plan was for you not to see any suffering,even so I do understand how hard it is to comprehend but I'm sure there are more signs, like the song, for you to know his spirit is with you.

Comfort and hugs

Cmf x