Never done this before

[Moonstruck]

Good morning all,

My loving partner died 3 weeks ago and I've been different each day....managing to do all the essentials but at times in a confused "lost" sort of way that I hide well. I conduct conversations with others, some who know, some who don't very easily...chatting and laughing and carrying out the essentials of daily life, paying bills, making appointments, car services, new appliances etc....as if nothing had happened.

Most mornings though I want to lie in bed for the whole day,never seeing or speaking to anyone. Driving in the car when a piece of music plays that reminds me of "us" the tears come. I attended a small group meeting of member of a club I belong to (of course it's all been shut down and in limbo since Corona, so nothing happened to distract me from the loss)....just needed to see familiar faces. Strangely enough conversation seemed to shut down and become a bit stilted when I arrived..no one mentioned my loss at all. I was longing for a hug, so I could give way to my pent up emotions, but there were none.

No touch,no comfort offered....nothing! Why was this? These are great people and I know they care and like me..........but they didn't offer any words of comfort. Perhaps I was wrong about them being my friends, perhaps they couldn't give a stuff about me after all...what an idiot I am!

The loss is not just"him"...a person. It's the other things that have also gone. No one knows me, "gets"me, or thinks I am as beautiful as he did. No one will tell me how lovely I look (even when I don't ) any more. No one calls me "darling". No one has my crazy at times black, sense of humour. I don't know anyone else who laughs at the same things we did. It's all those things that have gone too. No one comes in the door and immediately enfolds me in a hug.

Why didn't my friends comfort me?

[Moonstruck]

Paws and Quirky....thanks for being interested and caring...means a lot. I'm ashamed to tell you I didn't go to that first meeting...but the honest reason is...my recent injury flared up that particular day, and was in so much pain, I could see as the day wore on, it would be useless to start on that day. (whether this was psychosomatic I cannot tell, could have been...our minds and bodies are so interactive together) but I can start again whenever I like, it was not a firmly committed date...so there's always next week. I haven't shelved the idea and will try again. As Paws suggested, one step at a time and this was sort of how I was doing it strangely enough.

Paws, I had my clothes out I chose to wear, looked up map on the exact location, checked their details a few more times on their website...asked professional opinions whether it would be beneficial (both said Yes)....so am disappointed with myself for not going...but as I said, I was in pain so didn't push myself.

Someone asked what I thought I had lost or changed since my partner died...and I would have to say firstly "confidence"....that's what seems to have gone. I could go anywhere, do anything when he was alive, whether he was involved or not...didn't matter. Now I feel I am completely alone, with absolutely no one in the world who is "on my side' or who I can confide in, when things go wrong.....confidence in the smallest things has gone, even what clothes to wear or whether I look good enough to go out .....Thank you for letting me share with you.

[Croix]

Dear Moon~

There is absolutely no reason to feel ashamed, trying to do a new venture outside your experience can be most daunting, and made worse if there is nobody there to encourage you. Add to that the injury flaring up. So you missed a particular meet. This is only one, there will be I would imagine plenty more opportunities in the future.

Mrs C has said I can say the first time she contemplated going to swimming exercises her main worry was body shape (misplaced:) and what others would think.

It took several times before she went, and when she did her worries melted away. Everyone there was just another human being, of all shapes and sizes, and all were concentrating on the exercise and trying to follow the instructor, not looking at others.

In time she gained friends there for a coffee after and now looks forward to the classes.They are part of her weekly routine

Hang in there , you will make it in time

Croix (who is trying the smaller pool for those who do not move well)

[Moonstruck]

Long time Croix...are you still there and OK? I am getting better at going new places, trying new things...went yesterday to something no real trouble. adding to this factor of "joining new things" is that all my life it's clear to me now that I have never felt the need to foster female friendships in my life...ever! I have a 50 years plus best friend or whatever one calls it these days....because she is the same as me. She never liked groups of females only either, since we were very young. She always loved men, as did I, still do.

I'd much prefer to be in a group of men, or at least mixed, than women. The idea of joining a "womens group" is the furthest thing from my mind..I couldn't stand it!! I like men better than women, I find their company relaxing and easy to talk to...can't be bothered analysing this..that's just the way it is!

Now in my mature years of course there seems to be more women who, like me at present, are "single" and so seem to seek each other out...I don't. It's strange territory for me.

Bowling is up and running again thank God and am putting my name down for next big event..wish me luck!

I just want to ask you...re the loss of the first Mrs Croix....if you don't mind my intrusion...how long did you miss her for? How long will I miss him? How long will certain songs bring me to tears? How long before I can go back to our familiar venues without him?

I stand outside and look in but don't trust myself to walk in the doors. Particularly now we have to "sign in" with our phones etc everywhere we go...and I'm afraid I'll get shaky and not be able to do it smoothly with all these emotions assailing me..the grief may hit me like a boulder just by being there in that place.....I stand on the footpath across the road and stare! How long Croix?

[Hanna3]

Hi Moon,

Excuse me coming by, I have never noticed this thread before and I read your last post and I just wanted to say, I have never liked groups of all women either! I am mid-sixties and single... and give me guys or a mixed group of men and women any day over all women! I don't find women especially friendly and they're very critical and tend to gossip about each other... men are more straight forward and direct - women go behind people's backs I find.

I don't seem to click with any of the women here where I live now in my age group except one whom I knew years ago. She is quiet like me. Where I lived before I had about four women friends, all were single either widowed or divorced or never married.. and we got on well. But that was just a small group.

I don't join a lot of things here because I don't seem to relate to the women in my agegroup much at all - I enjoy the company of men, and now know a few men in the music school where I go and I enjoy their company... and my one woman friend. I would like a couple of women friends as I live alone and it's good to have one or two good women pals... but i can't find them!

I don't know if it helps to know there are others of us around who also prefer mixed groups or men... I am always anxious in groups of women I don't know!

It sounds like you've had a tough time Moon, and I hope things improve for you.... warmest wishes.

[Moonstruck]

Thank you Hanna3.....this is just me venting at the moment.nothing really intelligent to post, but I believe I can use Forum to "vent"..I hope so. for some reason I am in a bad way today...just miss him so very much. Its terribly hot here and I need to get out of this house into a place (air conditioned of course) where other people are....I just want him to come back..please let him come back...to just talk to me, hug me, laugh with me..don't let me sit all alone any more.

I see him sitting at the table when we are out, standing at the bar, buying our drinks...but there's no one there...I know this. I haven't gone mad...just am able to see him so very clearly. I am so tired of doing everything alone. I am not ready for this. I am not ready for retirement with no one to do things with....I may not have retired at all if I knew it would be every day and night alone, alone.....I feel so very lonely today...something I have not felt in many decades. I like my own company, I don't get bored.

but need to be in a crowd now....I see a man in the distance, wearing similar clothes, same coloured hair...perhaps it's him...turn around, please turn around and let me see your face...Please be him, please be him.

[Sophie_M]

Dear Moonstruck 

We can hear (or read) how bad you're feeling today. We can hear how much you are missing your partner, and we just wanted to extend some care and support your way. Please know that in lonely moments you are always welcome to come here and reach out for support. We know our support and online company is nowhere near the same as having your partner back, but hopefully, it will help ease some of that loneliness and emotional pain. 

Please try to do something kind for yourself today. Please reach out to someone you love for support. 

We're not sure if you're aware, but there is a service called FriendLine. It is a national support line for people who are feeling lonely. Conversations are anonymous. They can be contacted on 1800 4 CHATS (1800 424 287). Here is there website: https://friendline.org.au/?url=/. Griefline - 1300 845 745 - might also be a good option for you. 

Please continue to reach out for support as you see fit. 

[Hanna3]

Hi there Moon,

I'm so sorry you're having a bad time and feeling so low. I'm sorry I don't know how long ago you lost your partner and if you have any other family.,, or what kind of place you live in - town or city. I know when I lost my mother a long time ago I used to think I heard her footsteps sometimes.. grieving is a long tough process... and I'm sorry you're feeling so alone with nobody to do things with.

I live alone with my dog Sam... and have been single for much of my life. It definitely can be lonesome to come home to an empty house, and have nobody to share things with. You must be going through a huge adjustment. Do you have a friend nearby you can see/talk to/visit for a little while at all? Or someone to phone? I find even just a telephone conversation with a friend can be a huge help.

I wish I could help more... you do have people here who will offer your support and understanding... so feel free to vent away... that's OK! I do know what it's like to lose someone you love, and to miss a partner... all I can say is it takes time and more time and more time. You will come to a place where you can cope and even laugh again, but I'm sure that all feels a bit hopeless now - but it will happen.

Sending kindest wishes your way.. will try to check back later to see how you're going...

[CMF]

Dear Moon,

I can't imagine how it feels. I wonder, do you notice signs from him? I know he is with you in spirit, in your heart.

Sending you hugs my dear friend x

Cmf

[Moonstruck]

CMF...thanks for replying. I am a believer in "signs" and maybe, just maybe I have had one or two. One was so clearcut I fail to explain what else it could be..except "coincidence" which of course what the sceptics would say....I told a friend why a certain song, an old one, not a popular one you ever hear actually....I hadn't heard it for years. I explained how I heard it one day on the car radio and it fitted the occasion so perfectly I began to cry...it reminded me so much of him , a song about things and people lost, but a beautiful song by famous singer of years ago....a song for the "oldies" I guess, very rarely heard.

Weeks later, next time grief got on top of me I was out shopping, various errands, decided time to go home, I couldn't handle any more....as soon as I started the car up, that song was beginnng on the radio..I couldn't believe it. If I'd driven home a few minutes later, or few minutes earlier I'd have missed it.

It's his birthday today and I remember last year he didn't feel up to going out to a restaurant so I cooked a special dinner for him...I suppose it's as good a day as any to spread some of his ashes somewhere...I have some in my garden and thought I'd somehow put some into the ocean ...we both loved the ocean and walked down there very often.

It always looks so dramatic, calm and peaceful in the movies doesn't it?...standing on a cliff top, looking out to sea while the ashes drift gently into the sky. Well there won't be any clifftop overlooking my ocean...so who knows how I'll end up getting them into the waves.....I will figure something out. But it has to be today.

[Moonstruck]

Sorry for my last post on here...self-indulgent sob story..i have to get on with it..like countless others before me. I cant change what happened...its useless sobbing about it to you all...sorry...