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Sophie_M Welcome to the Grief and Loss section
  • replies: 27

Everyone’s experience of grief or loss is unique. You might experience all kinds of difficult or overwhelming emotions, and you might sometimes wonder if the sadness will ever end. This is a normal reaction to loss. There is no right or wrong way to ... View more

Everyone’s experience of grief or loss is unique. You might experience all kinds of difficult or overwhelming emotions, and you might sometimes wonder if the sadness will ever end. This is a normal reaction to loss. There is no right or wrong way to grieve, but it can help to allow yourself to: share your grief, and let others support you. This forum category is for all discussions relating to how grief and loss has affected you, providing a space for you to express your feelings, discuss difficult moments and anniversaries, and honour the memories of your lost loved ones. Please be aware that threads in this forum may contain discussions of self-harm and suicide.

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Quercus Anticipatory grief: coping when someone is very unwell
  • replies: 13

Hi, From where I sit 2021 has been even worse than last year. Dad has stage 3/4 cancer. Specialist says I'm at high risk too. My Nan (94) is not in a healthy place. And someone so very very dear to me has passed away (more bloody cancer, my goodness ... View more

Hi, From where I sit 2021 has been even worse than last year. Dad has stage 3/4 cancer. Specialist says I'm at high risk too. My Nan (94) is not in a healthy place. And someone so very very dear to me has passed away (more bloody cancer, my goodness how I loathe that C word). But strangely it's not death that has me so upset... It's my reaction once I anticipate future grief. I found I shut down and block people out. It's like I'm trying to prepare myself for life without that person. I don't know how to stop doing this. I worry that it hurts the people I love and they may not understand why I have backed away. Good old Google introduced me to an idea I'd never heard of. Anticipatory grief. Apparently other people feel this too. Psychology websites suggested spending more quality time with the person/ people. I seem to have done the opposite. It has helped me cope without my depression taking over but now I feel guilty. I didn't support my friend as I should have. I need to learn from this and change for my Nan and my Dad (although I'm stubbornly positive he will survive this). Has anyone else experienced this reaction? Could you find ways to stop yourself isolating? Thank you in advance and seeing as this thread is in the grief section I hope you are managing to get through the days coping with your own loss and know you can always write for support. There's no time limit on grief. Nat

SapphireDreams Loss of one of the only family members I have left... Sheer guilt
  • replies: 6

I feel like there should've been something that could've been done. The way it happened was so out of the blue, I miss him so much. But I can't get past it. All I do is feel like it's my fault... He was the best pop and overall one of the best people... View more

I feel like there should've been something that could've been done. The way it happened was so out of the blue, I miss him so much. But I can't get past it. All I do is feel like it's my fault... He was the best pop and overall one of the best people I knew. How do I cope with this? I feel alone, like my circle is getting so small, and it'd almost be gone soon. I love my pop but now I only really have my mum left family wise...

Niamhs_mum Recently bereaved
  • replies: 3

we lost our youngest daughter on 21st february very suddenly - it has thrown our world off its axis and our family is distraught. She was our baby and at 21 yrs old had so many hopes and dreams. Each day is a living hell and the pain is so overwhelmi... View more

we lost our youngest daughter on 21st february very suddenly - it has thrown our world off its axis and our family is distraught. She was our baby and at 21 yrs old had so many hopes and dreams. Each day is a living hell and the pain is so overwhelming.

Imarni I’ve lost my best friend- my companion dog
  • replies: 3

Yesterday we had to put to sleep my best mate. He was my companion dog and he would nudge me when distressed. He was 11 large boy and not to well. There is a story behind his purchase and the breeder. It was quite amazing and so he had a very special... View more

Yesterday we had to put to sleep my best mate. He was my companion dog and he would nudge me when distressed. He was 11 large boy and not to well. There is a story behind his purchase and the breeder. It was quite amazing and so he had a very special bond for both of us. I knew it was coming but wanted him comfortable and planned at home. I left it too late. He had a turn possibly a stroke. So we had to rush to get him to a vet to be put to sleep. I feel so sad, so guilty and just like my purpose is gone. If I didn’t have a little cat who also senses my distress and comes and cuddles me I would not wish to continue. I feel just distraught. I know animal people will get it but I have some friends who don’t. I lost my other cat late last year and I’ve lost parents recently and to me this is far worse. My pets were everything. I do not have a strong bond to my children who are now adults. I am so anxious about the well-being of my little cat but I do have have this about my children and I think it upsets the kids. I know I won’t cope if anything happens to her.

masopaul I was a monster
  • replies: 4

I have treated so many people badly and in particular my sister and her husband who then passed away. Some of the last words mentioned to him were that I was sorry for how I treated him and he accepted the apology well he said he did. She says she fo... View more

I have treated so many people badly and in particular my sister and her husband who then passed away. Some of the last words mentioned to him were that I was sorry for how I treated him and he accepted the apology well he said he did. She says she forgives me and I have poured tears in front of her but I just don't understand how she could forgive me. its been nearly 7 years

phoenix74 It feels like the death of my mother left me with nothing...
  • replies: 3

Hi. My first post here. I'd love to be able to help people here just through my experiences with anxiety and depression over the last 30 years or so. At the moment, I'm afraid - mainly of death. I'm also deeply depressed. I've always struggled in thi... View more

Hi. My first post here. I'd love to be able to help people here just through my experiences with anxiety and depression over the last 30 years or so. At the moment, I'm afraid - mainly of death. I'm also deeply depressed. I've always struggled in this world - haven't worked or studied for many years. Just got by. Day by day. Month by month. Just over 2 years ago my mother died. I was close to her - and was her carer for the last few years of her life. It was a body blow. I don't get on as well with my father. Now, as I said, I'm worried about myself. I don't eat. Can't stand the thought of eating. I just drink coffee all day. I don't take care of myself. I don't do any exercise. I don't look after my teeth. They're a mess - and if I survive long enough there will be a reckoning with a dentist one day. I've a passion for films, which I used to enjoy writing about. I still watch as many good ones as I can - and keep up to date. Thanks to COVID, my infrequent outings with good friends have dried up to nothing. No going out. Very little keeping in touch. Often I'll start to panic about the fact that death is inevitable. I've had kidney cancer - successfully beaten through surgery. But I didn't heed the warning I was so clearly getting. Continued to smoke. Kept on drinking. At least I don't drink anymore now. I can't stand it. But everything else that is bad for me I do. I watched as my mother died in agony. Is that what I've got to look forward to? All my treasured memories gone for all eternity. No children to carry on after me. But hey, at least I'm not suicidal at the moment. I'd like another 50 years! I'd like to work as a carer in the future and become more healthy. I'd like to write again. The problem is that I avoid people as much as I possibly can. I just get through days. I'm finding first steps towards a better future so impossible to take. I just want to know I'm not alone - and I want someone to know that I'm here. That I exist and that I'm slowly crumbling....

Guest_342 What do I do?
  • replies: 3

Hi there. My little nephew passed away this week and the service is coming up in a few days. I live alone and my boyfriend lives interstate and won't be coming here for it. I have been really anxious about the service because my brother and his wife ... View more

Hi there. My little nephew passed away this week and the service is coming up in a few days. I live alone and my boyfriend lives interstate and won't be coming here for it. I have been really anxious about the service because my brother and his wife are friends with my ex-fiance. I haven't spoken with any of his friends (didn't hear from them when we split) or him for 2.5 years. I want my brother and his wife to have the love and support of all their friends but I feel like I can't grieve properly because my thoughts are clouded with fear of the awkwardness and and that they might not be friendly towards me. It's making me angry because I want to be grieving for my nephew instead of this stupid selfish worry. I'm terrified. I wish this could be a day that i can solely focus on the love I have for my family and my nephew. Everyone going has their own partners and children and I'm scared I'll find myself standing there alone having to have awkward conversations with people who were once part of my friendship group.

Moonstruck Never done this before
  • replies: 77

Good morning all, My loving partner died 3 weeks ago and I've been different each day....managing to do all the essentials but at times in a confused "lost" sort of way that I hide well. I conduct conversations with others, some who know, some who do... View more

Good morning all, My loving partner died 3 weeks ago and I've been different each day....managing to do all the essentials but at times in a confused "lost" sort of way that I hide well. I conduct conversations with others, some who know, some who don't very easily...chatting and laughing and carrying out the essentials of daily life, paying bills, making appointments, car services, new appliances etc....as if nothing had happened. Most mornings though I want to lie in bed for the whole day,never seeing or speaking to anyone. Driving in the car when a piece of music plays that reminds me of "us" the tears come. I attended a small group meeting of member of a club I belong to (of course it's all been shut down and in limbo since Corona, so nothing happened to distract me from the loss)....just needed to see familiar faces. Strangely enough conversation seemed to shut down and become a bit stilted when I arrived..no one mentioned my loss at all. I was longing for a hug, so I could give way to my pent up emotions, but there were none. No touch,no comfort offered....nothing! Why was this? These are great people and I know they care and like me..........but they didn't offer any words of comfort. Perhaps I was wrong about them being my friends, perhaps they couldn't give a stuff about me after all...what an idiot I am! The loss is not just"him"...a person. It's the other things that have also gone. No one knows me, "gets"me, or thinks I am as beautiful as he did. No one will tell me how lovely I look (even when I don't ) any more. No one calls me "darling". No one has my crazy at times black, sense of humour. I don't know anyone else who laughs at the same things we did. It's all those things that have gone too. No one comes in the door and immediately enfolds me in a hug. Why didn't my friends comfort me?

Dee61 Lost my Dad and Motivation
  • replies: 4

Last June I lost my Dad in England to natural causes, and I knew that he was ready to be with mum. I've 'apparently' been coping well since - except that I haven't been really and now it has caught up with me. It has been the physical loss of Dad tha... View more

Last June I lost my Dad in England to natural causes, and I knew that he was ready to be with mum. I've 'apparently' been coping well since - except that I haven't been really and now it has caught up with me. It has been the physical loss of Dad that I've found so hard to cope with. He is not on the end of my mobile phone - we used to speak to each other every day or two. He encouraged me to start my PhD two years ago and, although he never sent many texts he sent this one at the start: Yes I know your going to be working hard iwill be right along side of you all the way and dont worry about me i will be ok we are going to get through this together by for now love lots [smiling boy emoji]. After his death, I've found it incredibly difficult to keep working on my PhD. His text stopped being an encouragement - I feel abandoned. I'm still chipping away at it, but 'not achieving' my usual amount is (to me) failure. I kind of feel lost, but want to persevere. Time allocated to the PhD means that, even if I don't work on that, I'm 'not allowed' to use the time for anything else. Nothing is getting done. I'm now not sleeping properly, staying at home, not catching up with friends, and not touching base with my Supervisors. I can't even face going to work. I just wish that I could get back to my normal self and 'function'. The myriad of thoughts that constantly whirl around in my head gives me a headache and I am so tired of thinking and not getting anywhere with anything. I miss Dad so much - I know what he would say, and what I should do; I just can't seem to do it. I just need to know that I will get through this (even though I'm not sure how at the moment).

Kat_Kai1067 I CANT STOP CRYING!!
  • replies: 4

My grandpa died 2 tears ago. I can never seem to get over it. Last week it was his birthday. I can't stop crying.

My grandpa died 2 tears ago. I can never seem to get over it. Last week it was his birthday. I can't stop crying.