Lost My Best Friend Of 10 Years To Suicide

[Bee1998]

In February this year (2021), I received a phone call to say that my best friend had died (committed suicide). At first I was calm/in shock, as it did not feel real.... Once I hung up the phone, I broke down into tears. I felt a sudden darkness/coldness run through me, and I felt the most sadness I've ever felt in my whole life. I did not stop crying for the next few days after finding out the daunting news. My eyes were swollen and black all around from the amount I had cried. I just could not stop. I refused to leave my bed, as I felt physically sick every time I did.

A few months have passed, and I am starting to feel a lot better than I did (in regards to the sadness), but I am not the same as I used to be. Every day since I lost my friend, I have felt so lost and stuck in the same place constantly. She was the only person in my life that I could properly talk to about anything and everything, and the only person who actually understood and gave real, honest advice. She was the only friend I could be entirely myself around, and the longest/closest friend I had my entire life. She was like a sister to me. In high school we had sleepovers at each others houses almost every night and spent every weekend together. We had baths and showers together, slept in the same bed, we did everything together. We were inseparable. Even once we had finished high school, we drifted apart for a while and didn't speak, but when we came back into contact, it was like we never stopped talking, like we saw each other just yesterday. We always had this special bond between the two of us. We both always knew that no matter how long we went without seeing each other or speaking, we would still love each other forever.

It has been a really rough past few months for me, as I haven't been able to speak to anyone properly about what happened, so it has been bottled up inside.

I just miss my friend so much, and often I have thoughts like "Maybe this is just a joke, and she will reappear one day soon." It doesn't feel real.....

I have also been having really strong thoughts of suicide myself, pretty much every day since I lost my friend. Could really use someone to talk to....

[Sophie_M]

Hi Bee1998, thank you for reaching out to us.
We know how hard it can be to open up on these forums, and so we thank you for having the courage to post. Please know that you've come to a safe, non-judgemental space to talk things through and our community is here to offer as much support, advice and conversation as you need.

We are so sorry to hear about the loss of your friend and can imagine this must be an extremely difficult and overwhelming time for you. Losing a friend is an incredibly tough situation to be in and so it is understandable why you might feel so sad and hurt by this. Please know that you never have to go through this alone, and support is always here for you.

If you would like some help finding mental health support, we would recommend that you get in contact with the Beyond Blue Support Service. They are available 24/7 by phone on 1300 22 4636 or on Webchat 1pm-12am AEST on our website: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport  One of our friendly counsellors will be able to talk through these feelings with you and can offer support, advice and referrals.

We also strongly urge that in overwhelming moments you get in touch with our friends at Lifeline (13 11 14) or the Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467).

Please feel free to keep reaching out here on your thread whenever you feel up to it

[white knight]

Hi, welcome

Sophie has given you some good advice there.

I've lost my brother and uncle to suicide. My sister and I attempted. So I know what you are going through.

Firstly, this is a grieving process and that is different for everyone. It can include long term difficulties so be prepared. Yes this event will change you also, a different perspective on life.

But it doesn't have to be all negative. Your friend was obviously troubled and confused about her life, disenchanted. It is a shame because life can be so spectacular and fulfilling.

Choose the fulfilling road for yourself. Set aside some short periods of time say 20 minutes every time you grieve for your friend to cast your mind back to your good times. At the end of that period, stand up and get on with your life, find joy, talk to others and seek happiness.

Death unfortunately is part of life, we must accept it but live in the present not the past.

You can plant a rose Bush for your friend, a pot plant, a special song.

You can choose a YouTube video...like this

YouTube prem rawat sunset

Google that. But please don't dwell too long in your grief, short periods are best.

And fill your life with laughter. You are worth it.

TonyWK

[romantic_thi3f]

Hi Bee1998,

Thank you for your post. I am so sorry to hear about your friend. My heart is aching as I read your post because I can see how close you both were and how much you're hurting right now. I'm really glad that you decided to share this with us.

This community is absolutely a place to talk to. Your post went to the grief section so you're welcome to jump on threads there (or anywhere), and if you like, I'm totally okay with chatting to you here as well for as long as you need.

Can I ask why you've been bottling things up so much? Grief is so hard and so lonely, but there are people around you- feel free to let us know how we can be here for you. Sophie M shared some hotline numbers and there is also Griefline too.

We're here for you.

rt

[Aaronsis]

Hi Bee1998

I know exactly the thoughts of "Maybe this is just a joke, and she will reappear one day soon." I am so sorry that you have lost your dear friend and even more so that it was by suicide. I have learnt some stuff since I lost my brother in 2019, some of it here on this forum, and that is that mourning a death from suicide is very different than feeling the loss of someone to a death that is "acceptable". What I mean is that if your friend had of passed through a heart attack or road trauma or cancer you have answers, you have the sum of 1 + 1= 2, it all adds up and while you are still in pain and suffer sadness, it is acceptable. I have found that mostly when someone dies by suicide it is "unacceptable". We have trouble understanding, we blame ourselves, we are confused and as you said, in total disbelief. The person may not have left a note, so you make up story after story in your brain as to why, even if they did leave a note, there is still room for so many unanswered questions. The sum is kind of like 4824 x 963 (a + b) = what the hell.

I am so proud of you for opening up to us and to come to chat and to let us know how tough this has been for you. It is tough, it is so tough but I wanted to also say that with the right support there is the chance for peace. Peace for your thoughts and peace for the feelings. They say time also heals all wounds, I don't find that to be true, I think in time we learn to live with the wounds and acknowledge the days that are heavier than others and to take comfort in the days that feel ok.

A few months is not very much time so please do not feel like you "should" be doing better or "should" be feeling differently. Grief is a very personal journey and it takes as long as it takes. So be kind to you, let the days that it hurts happen and also allow yourself to have good days too, there is no guilt in being able to remember your friend and laugh, or to have a smile, this is what she would have wanted for you, don't you think?

Part of my recovery was to engage with a counsellor who specialized in grief from suicide. I also credit talking to the wonderful community here, even after two years I have still not left! I also engaged in some hypno therapy, once again, not for everyone but it was the trick for me.

The feeling of being lost is also one I felt too, let us pass you a compass and help you on your way to feeling better.

Hugs to you Bee1998 and I am so sorry you have lost your dear friend.

Hugs

Sarah xx

[Bee1998]

Hi romantic_thi3f,

thank you for your response.

I have been bottling things up, as I haven't had friends or family around me to talk to. Have been very emotionally and physically alone for the past four months.

[romantic_thi3f]

Hi Bee1998,

No worries and I'm really glad to hear back from you.

Oh gosh, that sounds so hard. I think even when we are surrounded by people it can still feel a little lonely, but I'm still a big believer in people need people to cope.

I hope that you're maybe feeling less alone by reading these replies to you? I wish that I could take the pain away for you, but the best I can do is sit with you (virtually). Maybe you could share more about how you are feeling if you like, or more about your friend, either way; we'll listen.

rt

[Bee1998]

Hi Aaronsis,

I really enjoyed reading your response, and I can tell how understanding and thoughtful you are. I am sorry to hear about your brother, that would have been extremely difficult to cope with.

I never really know what to say in my responses to people on here, but I want to thank you for taking the time to read my thread and to reply to it.

[Bee1998]

HI romantic_thi3f,

I completely agree with you saying "people need people to cope." I have been trying to reach out to friends for months, with no success... every time the weekend comes around, every single person I contact either doesn't respond to me, or says they are busy/already have plans....

It's starting to make me angry now, as I have discovered these people aren't my friends. I am always the one contacting them first to catch up or talk, and never the other way around. Half the time I am left on read by a girl I thought was my only close friend.

I have tried so hard to be around people who I enjoy spending time with since my friend passed, but have had no success, and I can't understand why. It feels like the world is punishing me and kicking me while I'm down, but I know I don't deserve to be treated like this.

Starting to feel like it's a sign that I'm meant to be alone for the rest of my life.

[Aaronsis]

Hey Bee1998

I am glad that my response made you feel that you are understood and that we do care so much about you here, because we do. Thank you for your kind words to me about my brother, it was very hard to cope with, the worst, but, with the support I got here, talking and sharing and taking on board what other community member did and do to manage grief I was able to make some progress. I also had a wonderful counsellor who was able to put suicide into perspective for me, it was not something I really knew much about and I think having some knowledge helped me too.

It is totally fine to say whatever you like in your response, even start talking about something else or even say nothing at all...or even just thanks....there are no rules here. This is your thread tho so you can chat about whatever you feel like or you may not want to chat anymore either, totally up to you and both is fine.

I can see tho that you have put some other posts up and I wanted to reach out to you on those but also am aware that you might like some fresh opinions and others to chat to also. I am here for you Bee1998, to chat about whatever.

Hugs to you

Sarah xx